Green Blades of Grass

I lay here on this solid ground

In the spot you were laid to rest

Your body lies underneath me

But your soul lives in my chest

I place my hand upon the earth

Green blades run between my fingers

I try to clear my mind of thoughts

But the memory of you lingers

Flowers left beside your grave

Tell me others think of you too

We all know deep inside our hearts

This place is not where we will find you

Those places where we laughed together

Before you went away

Those are the places we will find you

Those are where your memory stays

And when we need to know you're near

A breeze will brush our cheek

Kisses from the heavens

For the words we can not speak

A hummingbird will share its joy

A star will shine brightly from above

A strangers smile will catch our eyes

And fill our hearts will love

God will send us subtle signs

To comfort us throughout our day

We must learn to find the beauty

In each gift He sends our way

Time can not separate us

Nor can this earth keep us apart

Green blades of grass between my fingers

Your life's song plays in my heart

For my daughter Amanda Kellie Andrews

Six Months...

It's hard to believe I have made it through 6 months without holding your little skinny body. Or having you purposely grind your bony butt in my lap after I scratched your back for a while. It's strange not smelling nail polish and nail polish remover every single day as I pass by your old room or the kitchen counter. Lauren just bought 25 new nail polish colors so I think she going to try and bring that Mandy smell back :) it's weird getting ready in the morning and not fighting over rug and mirror space with you. Lauren tries to hog the space, but eventually her nice side kicks in and she scoots over. I swear I can still hear your heavy footsteps pounding the floor of the hall. How could someone so tiny sound like freaking Bigfoot? 

If you were physically here with us I think you would like helping with your Amanda Panda Choose The Right foundation. It gets pretty tiring cutting pledge cards and wrapping wristbands, but it is also very rewarding. You would know just the right things to say to kids who leave us messages about how they are struggling. When I respond to them I never really feel like its me responding, but your voice through me. So thank you for staying with me and helping me out. 

I have to be honest and say when I had my surgery last month I was a little disappointed that nothing went wrong. If I could have just left this world for one short moment so I could see your face again and hold you in my arms, if even for a minute, it would have been all I needed. But no... I had an amazing surgeon and everything went perfectly well!

Shopping hasn't been any fun for me since you left us. I miss playing phone tag in the mall with you and your friends and hearing you tell them to stay close to me or I would be out of your sight within seconds making you try and find me by calling my phone to hear my ringtone. Now i just wander around aimlessly for a while and usually leave without buying a thing.  All I see and think is "that would look good on Amanda" and I want to buy it for you as a surprise because you loved surprises and they always made you smile and you would reward me with a big hug. 

Wow... Writing the word hug just made my eyes start to pour. I can't begin to tell you how much I miss our daily hugs. How you and Lauren would make a sandwich out of me in a hug and you would finish by grabbing my butt and Lauren would grab my chechees. I miss those silly poems you and Breanna would write back and forth and how you would spam her with a 100 text messages in one hour just because you were bored. I miss seeing the three of you hanging out in the kitchen or having girl talks in one of your rooms. I miss hearing your dad say " I bet I know what will make her smile!" when you were having a bad day and it didn't matter how grumpy you were, you would always grin from ear to ear when he pulled out his wallet and gave you a twenty. You were so stubborn too. Remember when your dad said something like "Amanda don't be stupid" so you didn't talk to him for two whole weeks until he apologized (and gave you a twenty).

I'm so glad you liked taking pictures of yourself because we have so many beautiful photos to look at now. My favorites are when your friends share some random picture or video we haven't seen before. Especially if you are talking  in it because I miss the sound of your voice so much. Nothing replaces the most beautiful image of you live and in person though. That's the one I really need. Sometimes I just close my eyes and picture you coming to lay on me or next to me to cuddle. I can feel the weight of your little body and the heat from your skin as you sink in next to me. I lay there and smell the scent from your freshly washed hair. It's wet against my skin, but I just gently move it to the side a little. Those are the memories I want to remember. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the memories of your angel day and my mind wants to replay every moment, every phone call, every hug, tear shed, and every last image. Then I try and drown out those thoughts with a sweet smile of yours instead or I have a good cry in my car or my office with my door closed, or at home in the bathtub/shower where the tears can run into the water. I just let it out and then I take a deep breath (and sometimes an anxiety pill). I quiet the voices in my head and listen gently for the one voice that will bring me comfort. The Lord has been good to me Amanda. He has wrapped His loving arms around me and allowed your arms to continue to circle me too so that I can have the strength to face each day without you physically here. We always said that you were the glue that bonded us together and now you are the glue that holds us together because we all want to be the best versions of ourselves for you. We have grown closer as a family and you are to thank for that. I know you are still with us. I feel you with us all the time. When your friends hang out at the house, I think they feel you there too.

We had such a great time celebrating your 17th birthday by singing you happy birthday at the cemetery with a large group of your friends and some adorable panda bear cupcakes that we made,  then we brought them back to the house for taco night two.

We made everyone come to our house this year for Christmas. I know you were there sitting around that table with us, smiling because you had everybody here in your favorite dwelling spot, surrounded  by tons of love.  I found that when you surround yourself with people who bring you joy that its hard t feel like you should be sad. I am so grateful for all of your friends (now our friends) who take the time to remember us. Who leave me random messages and check in with me to let me know they are doing okay. I appreciate even more though the trust they place in me when their hearts and minds are fragile and they reach out to me because they just need someone to listen and encourage them to keep going. Some of your friends come over just for hugs! I love that!

Your dads been talking about moving to a newer home that wouldn't require as much upkeep. I'm not a fan of the idea because we have so many memories of you growing up here, but I know we can take those memories with us where ever we go and that your spirit will come with us too if we ever make the move. Alyssa cried when she heard he wanted to move. I promised that we would stay here until they graduate from school so she and Ashten can keep coming over during the week to hang out. Alyssa keeps eating all the empanadas so its kind of like you are still here! 

While I don't think any of us will ever get over the sad days, we will get through them. I know we will because you will always be there to help us my little hummingbird (that hummingbird reference will have to be a whole blog post of its own! Your dad thinks I'm the crazy bird lady, but I don't care because it brings me joy) 

Well Stinkerbell... Give Walnut, Nana, Robin, grandpa Jack & George,grandma Helen, grandma Lola, my friend Robbie, Aliah, and baby J'Lynn a hug for me. I will always love you with all my heart. I know 6 months is nothing compared to the years we have left until we are no longer separated, but I'm going to try and just take one breath and one day at a time until I see you again. Thank you for the strength you give us to carry on. I love you baby girl. Forever and ever, to the moon and back, billions and billions Carl Sagan Gee Paw. 

Love mama

First Days

I will never forget your first day in this world. You made quite an entrance arriving in the middle of the night and only giving me two hours notice from the time my contractions started until you made your first appearance on December 19th, 1995, a little after 4:00am. I couldn't even have pain killers because you were in such a hurry. You had the umbilical cord wrapped tightly around your neck so you came out purple and quiet. I made your dad go and give you a little pinch to get you to cry (Yes... the doctor said that was a good idea!) That night, you stayed with me in my hospital room while your dad went home and slept. It was so close to Christmas that some of the hospital staff were going through the halls singing Christmas carols. Your aunt Monica and I got up to watch them. Their sweet songs lulled you right back to sleep. You, my love, will always be the best early Christmas present I will ever have.

Your first day of kindergarten you met a little girl named Victoria Perez. You two found each other that first day and became best friends within minutes. You had many first days together, including failed attempts at sleepovers where you would both end up in bed with us or Tori's parents.  Tori was your first friend to take you on a play date. You got to have McDonald's and had no problem speaking up and telling Donna and Gil that you did NOT like cheese on your burger. When we moved from Arcadia to Monrovia right before you started second grade, we knew there would be first days that you two would experience without each other so we made our best attempt to keep you connected by meeting up for dinner at the mall every Friday night. That lasted until almost middle school and our family dinners became less frequent, but that never stopped you from being friends with each other and using Facebook to share your first days together.

You started 2nd grade at a new school you didn't seem worried at all. You quickly made friends with Carina, Emily, and many others. You were ready to learn and explore your new world. You were so confident and happy.

Middle school wasn't an easy time for you because you got terribly sick during 7th grade and were in and out of the hospital for 6 months. You were so sick all the time that we had to put you on independent study. Your friends that you met in the 6th grade (Sophie, Sierra, and Kayla) stayed by your side though and had you over whenever you were well enough to go out.

You grew up a lot during the time you were sick. Friends often told us that you seemed like you had an old soul after that year. When you were cleared to go back to school in 8th grade, you were a little anxious about seeing all of your friends again and going back to school, but you did great.  You even came home with a couple new friends, Alyssa and Ashten. You have always had such a kind heart and a strong belief in making people feel good while conquering the injustices you saw in the world, like when Alyssa was told she couldn't attend 8th grade graduation. You and Asthen made her a diploma and held your own ceremony for her so she didn't feel left out. You even had me play graduation music for her.

The first day of each new high school year used to be so nerve racking for you because you were worried about finding your classes, remembering your locker combination, what teachers you would get, whether you would have your close friends in class, and if you had the right outfit chosen (after trying on about 30 outfits). Your room would look like a tornado had passed through it by the end of the night. I would have to give you tylenol pm just to make you tired. Then you would crawl under a pile of clothes and try to go to sleep. Last year, your friends were nervous too, so they came over and spent the night so you could all go to school together.

You had two real boyfriends, Rudy and Gus. Not at the same time of course, but both were able to capture a piece of your heart. Together you shared first kisses, first dates, valentines, break-ups, make-ups, and birthdays. This picture was taken on your 16th birthday. You looked gorgeous! You were so excited because that meant you would be able to get your driving permit, and then, your license.

Today would have been the first day of your Junior year. I have to admit that most days I feel like I can hold myself together, but yesterday I could feel my grief creeping up on me slowly, waiting for the perfect moment to come crashing down on me. I fought back tears most of the day and enjoyed a family outing (Yes... we were an 'outdoor' family yesterday!) Then last night, Emily stopped by to bring me a "first day of school Panda shirt". How wonderful it felt to know that I was being thought of too. That shirt was just what I needed to open up the flood gates of tears. Oh how it saddens me to think we will not have any more first days of school. This morning, I wanted to fight with you over room on the bathroom rug. I wanted to share make up and watch the morning news on the bathroom tv with you. I wanted to be able to yell down the hall to hurry up because we were going to be late AGAIN. I wanted to tell you that you looked beautiful like always and that you picked the perfect first day of school outfit. I wanted to make you lunch and buy you school supplies. It made me think about last week, when I was at Staples picking up some markers and envelopes to mail your CTR wristbands out and I saw a teenager about your age trying to get her parents to let her add a frivolous article to their already full shopping cart. I had to stop myself from shouting, "Oh please... just let her have it. Don't you know how lucky you are?"

I knew today would be hard for your friends too, because it was so hard for me. Your friends had shared so many stories of you sharing your lunch with them and that really warmed my heart. So I talked Lauren in to helping me make lunches for all 16 of your lunchtime friends.  We put in all of your favorite foods. PB and J sandwiches, fruit punch, hot Cheetos, fruit roll-up, chocolate chip muffin, and a granola bar. We packed them in brown paper bags because you like to tell Lauren and I that it made you felt special and like someone really loved you because they took the time to pack a lunch in a brown paper bag. Then Lauren dropped them off at school with Brandon. We wanted you to be part of the first day of school and you were sweetie. Your friends were surprised and grateful. Not only were they fed physically, but I believe their souls were fed as well. They know you love them still and you are going to be walking those halls with them, sharing lunches with them, and sending them hugs and kisses from heaven.

Before I left for work, after wiping away another mess of tears, the mailman dropped off a card from Sister Terrill. She wrote, "Back to School - May be tough - just remember that Amanda is now in the only school that really counts! Thinking of you each day." I can't tell you want it means to get these random cards from people. Sometimes it's like the world expects you to just move on already, but then there are people who understand that my heart will always miss you and I will have both good and bad days. We all will. It comforts me to know that you really are in the school that really counts. The Lord is teaching you all He needs you to know so you can continue to do your missionary work. You will continue to learn and grow, and with that growth, you will be able to pour blessings from the heavens on to all of us. I know I will have many first days without you now, but the first day I look forward to most is the one were we are reunited. I will love you forever and always my love.

Mama

I Miss...

What I miss about you... 

I miss your chocolate brown eyeballs and your beautiful lips.   How your smile could make my heart skip a beat.

I miss going shopping with you for shoes and clothes and how if I said I was going to Target you always tagged along. I liked buying you things because you could make anything, no matter the price, new or used, look absolutely fabulous. Mostly though, I just liked having you by my side. 

I miss your sarcasm. Hearing you tell Lauren to put a bag over her face before leaving the house and all of your constant teasing. We all knew that every time you were saying something mean (in your teasing way) that you were really saying "I love you". 

I miss you walking through the house in your bra and panties, carefree and happy. Especially in your pretty pink sequined "party panties" that made you want to dance around the house. 

I miss your beautiful voice. You sang so lovely, even though you refused to sing at church we would get to hear you sing in the shower, in your room, and in the car. How I would love to hear you sing to me now,  or just say my name. 

I miss your random text messages asking for food, sending me pictures of the dogs, funny videos, asking for rides, and how you would send me that "mama!" text if I didn't answer your first text. 

I miss that ridiculous machine gun sound that you made when you slept. Man that noise drove us all nuts. 

I miss you taking pictures of yourself - ALL the time! You wanted to model and loved photography.

You loved making goofy faces and dressing like a dork when you were in your playful mood.  

I miss making food for you and your friends. Smiley face fries, quesadilla's, and empanadas were some of your favorite after school snacks. Sophie says you guys used to climb on the garbage can, then the wall, and on to the roof of the garage so you could eat them up their in the sun. 

I miss fighting for bathroom space in the morning. You were such a counter hog! No matter how big of a floor-mat I got you still stood firm in the middle making me keep one foot on the cold floor. 

I miss driving you to school everyday. It drove me nuts that you were ALWAYS late, but when I asked you why you couldn't be on time - ever- you said you liked walking in to first period late because everyone would say good-morning to you, even your teacher, and that just made you feel even more special. 

I miss your laughter. Oh how it made my heart happy to hear your laughter in the other room when you were hanging out with your friends or your sisters. You really were a happy person. You filled my life with joy and sunshine. 

I miss you telling me I needed to leave the house if you were going to clean so you could get in to your groove and blast your music. 

I miss the excitement that lit up your face when "Border Wars" or some other prison show would come on tv and how it drove you nuts that I loved reading books all the time. Two days before you left us you told me "Mom! Stop reading all these books! You're going to rot your brain cells. Now get in there and watch some tv!" 

I miss taking you to walk the Duarte trail - only to have you abandon me so you could run up and meet your boyfriend for a few minutes. 

I miss dropping you off and picking you up on Friday nights when you would meet up with your friends.

I miss being able to tell you how I loved the birthday party you threw for me four days before you left us. You planned it secretly with my friend and co-worker and it was wonderful! You gave me a memory I will never forget. 

I miss the constant radio channel wars we had in the car.  

I miss wrestling you to try and blow on your belly. Okay, maybe the blowing didn't really make you laugh but you did think my attempts were funny. For someone so tiny, you were so darn strong! 

I miss watching you do the Butt Bible workouts and how you made Zumba look like someone having seizures standing up. 

I miss having you call me or send me a Facebook message when you were in the other room because wanted something but you were too lazy to get up.  

I miss the phone calls when I was out of town to tell me you were hungry, even when your dad was at home in the backyard. 

I miss making lunches for you and putting them in brown lunch sacks because you said it made you feel loved. Even though I knew you were stealing a line from a book we both read, it always made me want to make lunch for you. I also miss how you would say food always taste better when I made it for you, even though I know food, in general, taste better when you don't have to make it yourself. 

I miss cuddle time. Having you climb in my lap or lay across me so I could scratch your back.  

I miss taking you on driving lessons. You were so focused. You would have been a great driver. You worked so hard to bring your grades up so you could drive the BMW as your reward. Now your dad can't bear to part with it because it was going to be yours. We are still so proud of you. 

I miss hearing about the teachers that drove you nuts and why and having you present your fact of the day from Mr. Ho's class. School was not your favorite place to be, but you loved your friends and certain teachers. You were given Saturday school for being late countless times, but you would beg me not to make you go because you got more done with the second threat of in-school detention. 

I miss your obsession with your hair that refused to grow and all the special products you would try off the Internet to help it along. I even miss finding your hair extensions all over the house. 

I miss finding your clothes strewn all around the house. Our house is so clean now. I'd take the dirtiness all over again if it meant you were still with us.

I miss hearing about your road trip stories that you took with your dad, Dean, and the Judd's. I miss you teasing me about coming along with you because you didn't like that I needed to stop every four hours to pee when your bladder was made of iron. 

I miss how you sucked at school math but always seemed to know your numbers when it came to working for Nathan and Mandy during the summer babysitting and selling glow stuff at special events. 
I miss the confidence you showed when you taught me the ropes of selling all things that glow. 

I miss you telling your dad and I that we were disgusting for kissing each other in front of you. 

I miss being able to say your name without someone looking at me with sad, knowing eyes.

I miss the smell of your freshly washed hair.  It was one of the new shampoo and conditioners you found on Amazon to make your hair grow. I miss your smells so much I ordered a bottle just so I can smell you with me. 

I miss looking for you in your room in the morning to wake you up only to find you sleeping with Lauren in her room, tangled in some strange position. 

I miss seeing you carry your dog around the house and having you tell us that Spike needed to stay alive until you graduated from high school because you wanted him to be there. He's pretty upset that he doesn't get to go now!

I will miss watching you graduate from high school and college. Seeing you fall in love and get married. Watching you become a mother and your children, our grandchildren grow up.  I  will miss you every day my little Stinkerbell. You are my heart and my soul. You were and will always be the glue that bonds each member of our family together and keeps us connected to one another.  Most of all I think I will miss our daily hugs and how you always gave a little butt squeeze at the end.  

I just miss you. Every single thing about you. I love you Amanda Kellie Andrews. Always have. Always will.