My letter to Mandy(from her cousin Matt)
I remember when I saw the pictures you posted from your senior prom on Facebook. You looked even more stunning than when you went the year before and you looked like you were having an even better time with your friends. With me living clear across the country, I was looking forward to being able to at least see a glimpse of how beautiful you looked, knowing that I couldn’t be there in person.
But I did get to see you in person at your high school graduation. Now I know that on your big day I was just a face in a supportive crowd, but the hug you gave me let me know that you appreciated my efforts to cheer you on. You once again looked beautiful in your cap and gown and I couldn’t have been more proud to see you celebrating with your friends.
Twice I’ve mentioned your beauty, but neither time compared to how you looked years later in your wedding dress. I remember being especially honored that your invites extended even to family members that you didn’t see but maybe once a year. I will never forget Katie, Lauren and Breanna standing by your side as you said your vows. Or taking my seat with Brian and Uncle Matt as we all struggled to be manly men and fight back tears. Or giving a hug to Aunt Kristen and a handshake to Uncle Rich, telling them they did well with their no-longer-a baby girl.
But most of all, I remember how these memories aren’t memories at all. They are scenarios that I play out in my head, through my imagination, because that is the only way they are possible. My beautiful cousin has become a memory, one that comes with equal amounts of joy and sorrow.
When I met you, you were a young thing. maybe 5 or 6. My life took me away from California mere months before you were born and for some reason it took years for a visit back to my home state before we were introduced to one another. In fact, it was my first time meeting the entire Andrews clan - my “new” Uncle Rich, cousin Breanna and you. Admittedly, my relationship with those two would grow over the years but there was something about you that I was drawn to immediately. You weren’t exactly an open book, but when you did peel back a layer we had a lot of fun.
The annual summer visits continued and so did our times together. When I made visits to the LA area, I spent the majority of my time with the Saver clan. But the times you and your sisters were able to come along were always memorable. The funny thing is I actually remember my cousins getting jealous that I would spend more time with you than them (something I will argue to this day, I thought it was pretty even). But really, it wasn’t just me - everyone wanted to spend more time with you. Whether it was chasing you in the wave pool at Raging Waters or having karate demonstrations in the living room, you were so much fun to be around.
As you grew up, the personality of a “little kid” started to fade and a young woman started to come into the picture. But what was so great about it is that you never lost sense of who you were. You may not have said it out loud, but your family was so important to you. I could tell by the way you interacted with you sisters and your cousins and aunts and uncles. And me. You were always much more of a cuddly person than some of us were so when you would lay on my lap on the couch at first I wasn’t sure what to do. But now, I wish nothing more than to feel your embrace once again.
What’s sad is all these great memories I personally have, they now come with a price. The price of knowing that I will never be able to make more. For reasons that only you will know, you exited this world in July. At 16 years old, you were gone.
Getting the call from Katie will go down as one of the worst days of my life. And there lies where the hurt really begins to come. As much I wanted to see you more (as well as all of my West Coast family), I was a once-every-summer kind of relative. So while it’s going to hit me hard the next time I come for a visit and you won’t be there, it kills me that everyone in that area has had to go without your presence in their day to day life.
Especially your parents. I can’t pinpoint the exact time it happened, but your mom and I have gotten really close over the last few years. And your dad is someone who I have grown to respect as a person after just a few hours of work and conversation in the back yard. To watch both of them have to make preparations for their 16-year-old daughter’s funeral is gut wrenching.
I have no idea how your mom keeps it together. Maybe she doesn’t and she only shows the good days. But I have used her as a source of strength in the past few months. If she can keep going through all of this, I can make it through anything. And your dad... well let’s just say his speech at your funeral is a moment I will never forget. To hear a father talk about the daughter he will never hold again brings tears to my eyes right now just to think about.
And your sisters. You look at pictures of the three of you and you know that you guys had something special. Anytime that I start to think of you, I think of them. And then I think my own brothers and a stepsister who I am fortunate to have as family and I can’t begin to think what they are going through.
Then come your Saver cousins, Katie and Brian, both roughly the same age as you. They weren’t prepared for this and shouldn’t have to handle facing life without you. You came to Katie’s graduation (one of the greatest days I have ever been a part of) and they were supposed to come to yours.
But on a personal note, the one that gets to me the most is my Uncle Matt. He has always been like a second father to me and to hear him get emotional, something I have never seen or heard, gets to me. And when I watch the video that Katie made of you and I see him holding you when you were so young, I can see why. He watched you grow up and he loved you like his own daughter.
You see, it’s all this. All of this heartache that we all as a family - parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents - have to now deal with. And throw your friends in there because a fact I have had to come to terms with is that a lot of them knew you much better than I did. And they are all hurting now and will continue to. And the reason why we are all hurting is something I will never understand. Knowing that your death came at your own hands is such a hard concept to grasp. It makes me equally sad that you felt whatever you felt and angry because you acted on it.
But somehow - through the anger, the sorrow, the tears, the frustration - something has happened. Yes, the reason for my visit to California in July came under terrible circumstances. But it was honestly one of the best visits I’ve had. In a way, your death has brought all of us even closer together. I was around the right people I needed to be around and we laughed when we needed to and we hugged when we needed to.
And I just wish I could hug you now. When I see a picture of you, I just want to wrap you in my arms so tight that it’s uncomfortable. But even more important than the longing to see you again, the realization that you’re no longer here or the emotions surrounding both of those thoughts - is CTR.
You had no idea that when you posted that blog it was going to become a movement. That when you talked about Choose The Right, that it would become a mantra your friends and family - and now complete strangers - would adopt. You made a decision that day that I know with everything that I have that you would take back if you could. But we are moving forward with a movement of trying to instill that thought process into everyone else. Times are going to be tough but when faced mounting obstacles there is a path in front of us to choose. And we have the knowledge and the power to always choose the right.
I was talking to a friend tonight about you and how I have so many emotions bottled up. She suggested to write a letter to you to get it all out and I agreed. This is a concept that I started months ago but could never bring myself to work on. Now, in the past half hour I’ve just let my fingers do the talking. I’m not going to go back and edit because if I could see you again I wouldn’t be able to control what I would say.
But I would say all the things I never got the chance to - I love you. I miss you. And for you, I will always, always choose the right.
-- Matt
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