To Amanda's senior friends -
This message is to all of Amanda's friends who are finishing up their last day(s) of high school and who have already, or who are now preparing to walk across that graduation stage. We are so proud of you. We know that your high school journey was filled with many ups and downs. You experienced friends who brought new life into this world and the loss of friends dear to you. You've gone through trials that pushed you to grow into young adults faster than expected. Some of you have stumbled along the way and some of you shared your strength to help those who had fallen to stand back up again. If you are one who has stumbled, I hope you don't beat yourself up over it. We've all been there a time or two. As Amanda once said "live and let learn . Brush it off. There would be no learning if everyone didn't step off their path for a while."
Many of you have expressed how wrong it feels to graduate without Amanda walking beside you. While we feel that too, I also believe she will be walking that stage THROUGH you. Because each and every accomplishment and struggle, she has been there to whisper guidance and encourage you to choose the right.
I was a little bummed that the MHS principal wouldn't consider having an extra seat left open for your two missing classmates or let Amanda's dog, Spike, walk on her behalf because he didn't want to glorify the actions that caused their death. I was bummed, but I understand. Sometimes adults think they know what's best for you "kids". He is just looking out for you.
What I realize now is that you are aren't kids anymore. You are now young adults and you don't need an empty seat to acknowledge the loss you have felt and how you wish your friends could be there with you. They will be.
Mrs. Baham was kind enough to get our family tickets to the graduation and it will be our honor to be there in the stands to celebrate your journey.
Just because you are graduating, don't think you need to have your life figured out. You have plenty of years left to be an adult. Take time to explore your options and become the person that brings you the most joy in your life.
Please know we will always be here for you. To give a warm hug, listen, make you tacos, whatever you need (except college homework help - I'm done with homework!)
Live wisely and always choose the right.
Sincerely - The Andrews
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
May 30, 2014
August 27, 2012
First Days
I will never forget your first day in this world. You made quite an entrance arriving in the middle of the night and only giving me two hours notice from the time my contractions started until you made your first appearance on December 19th, 1995, a little after 4:00am. I couldn't even have pain killers because you were in such a hurry. You had the umbilical cord wrapped tightly around your neck so you came out purple and quiet. I made your dad go and give you a little pinch to get you to cry (Yes... the doctor said that was a good idea!) That night, you stayed with me in my hospital room while your dad went home and slept. It was so close to Christmas that some of the hospital staff were going through the halls singing Christmas carols. Your aunt Monica and I got up to watch them. Their sweet songs lulled you right back to sleep. You, my love, will always be the best early Christmas present I will ever have.
Your first day of kindergarten you met a little girl named Victoria Perez. You two found each other that first day and became best friends within minutes. You had many first days together, including failed attempts at sleepovers where you would both end up in bed with us or Tori's parents. Tori was your first friend to take you on a play date. You got to have McDonald's and had no problem speaking up and telling Donna and Gil that you did NOT like cheese on your burger. When we moved from Arcadia to Monrovia right before you started second grade, we knew there would be first days that you two would experience without each other so we made our best attempt to keep you connected by meeting up for dinner at the mall every Friday night. That lasted until almost middle school and our family dinners became less frequent, but that never stopped you from being friends with each other and using Facebook to share your first days together.
You started 2nd grade at a new school you didn't seem worried at all. You quickly made friends with Carina, Emily, and many others. You were ready to learn and explore your new world. You were so confident and happy.
Middle school wasn't an easy time for you because you got terribly sick during 7th grade and were in and out of the hospital for 6 months. You were so sick all the time that we had to put you on independent study. Your friends that you met in the 6th grade (Sophie, Sierra, and Kayla) stayed by your side though and had you over whenever you were well enough to go out.
You grew up a lot during the time you were sick. Friends often told us that you seemed like you had an old soul after that year. When you were cleared to go back to school in 8th grade, you were a little anxious about seeing all of your friends again and going back to school, but you did great. You even came home with a couple new friends, Alyssa and Ashten. You have always had such a kind heart and a strong belief in making people feel good while conquering the injustices you saw in the world, like when Alyssa was told she couldn't attend 8th grade graduation. You and Asthen made her a diploma and held your own ceremony for her so she didn't feel left out. You even had me play graduation music for her.
The first day of each new high school year used to be so nerve racking for you because you were worried about finding your classes, remembering your locker combination, what teachers you would get, whether you would have your close friends in class, and if you had the right outfit chosen (after trying on about 30 outfits). Your room would look like a tornado had passed through it by the end of the night. I would have to give you tylenol pm just to make you tired. Then you would crawl under a pile of clothes and try to go to sleep. Last year, your friends were nervous too, so they came over and spent the night so you could all go to school together.
You had two real boyfriends, Rudy and Gus. Not at the same time of course, but both were able to capture a piece of your heart. Together you shared first kisses, first dates, valentines, break-ups, make-ups, and birthdays. This picture was taken on your 16th birthday. You looked gorgeous! You were so excited because that meant you would be able to get your driving permit, and then, your license.
Today would have been the first day of your Junior year. I have to admit that most days I feel like I can hold myself together, but yesterday I could feel my grief creeping up on me slowly, waiting for the perfect moment to come crashing down on me. I fought back tears most of the day and enjoyed a family outing (Yes... we were an 'outdoor' family yesterday!) Then last night, Emily stopped by to bring me a "first day of school Panda shirt". How wonderful it felt to know that I was being thought of too. That shirt was just what I needed to open up the flood gates of tears. Oh how it saddens me to think we will not have any more first days of school. This morning, I wanted to fight with you over room on the bathroom rug. I wanted to share make up and watch the morning news on the bathroom tv with you. I wanted to be able to yell down the hall to hurry up because we were going to be late AGAIN. I wanted to tell you that you looked beautiful like always and that you picked the perfect first day of school outfit. I wanted to make you lunch and buy you school supplies. It made me think about last week, when I was at Staples picking up some markers and envelopes to mail your CTR wristbands out and I saw a teenager about your age trying to get her parents to let her add a frivolous article to their already full shopping cart. I had to stop myself from shouting, "Oh please... just let her have it. Don't you know how lucky you are?"
I knew today would be hard for your friends too, because it was so hard for me. Your friends had shared so many stories of you sharing your lunch with them and that really warmed my heart. So I talked Lauren in to helping me make lunches for all 16 of your lunchtime friends. We put in all of your favorite foods. PB and J sandwiches, fruit punch, hot Cheetos, fruit roll-up, chocolate chip muffin, and a granola bar. We packed them in brown paper bags because you like to tell Lauren and I that it made you felt special and like someone really loved you because they took the time to pack a lunch in a brown paper bag. Then Lauren dropped them off at school with Brandon. We wanted you to be part of the first day of school and you were sweetie. Your friends were surprised and grateful. Not only were they fed physically, but I believe their souls were fed as well. They know you love them still and you are going to be walking those halls with them, sharing lunches with them, and sending them hugs and kisses from heaven.
Before I left for work, after wiping away another mess of tears, the mailman dropped off a card from Sister Terrill. She wrote, "Back to School - May be tough - just remember that Amanda is now in the only school that really counts! Thinking of you each day." I can't tell you want it means to get these random cards from people. Sometimes it's like the world expects you to just move on already, but then there are people who understand that my heart will always miss you and I will have both good and bad days. We all will. It comforts me to know that you really are in the school that really counts. The Lord is teaching you all He needs you to know so you can continue to do your missionary work. You will continue to learn and grow, and with that growth, you will be able to pour blessings from the heavens on to all of us. I know I will have many first days without you now, but the first day I look forward to most is the one were we are reunited. I will love you forever and always my love.
Mama
Your first day of kindergarten you met a little girl named Victoria Perez. You two found each other that first day and became best friends within minutes. You had many first days together, including failed attempts at sleepovers where you would both end up in bed with us or Tori's parents. Tori was your first friend to take you on a play date. You got to have McDonald's and had no problem speaking up and telling Donna and Gil that you did NOT like cheese on your burger. When we moved from Arcadia to Monrovia right before you started second grade, we knew there would be first days that you two would experience without each other so we made our best attempt to keep you connected by meeting up for dinner at the mall every Friday night. That lasted until almost middle school and our family dinners became less frequent, but that never stopped you from being friends with each other and using Facebook to share your first days together.
You started 2nd grade at a new school you didn't seem worried at all. You quickly made friends with Carina, Emily, and many others. You were ready to learn and explore your new world. You were so confident and happy.
Middle school wasn't an easy time for you because you got terribly sick during 7th grade and were in and out of the hospital for 6 months. You were so sick all the time that we had to put you on independent study. Your friends that you met in the 6th grade (Sophie, Sierra, and Kayla) stayed by your side though and had you over whenever you were well enough to go out.
You grew up a lot during the time you were sick. Friends often told us that you seemed like you had an old soul after that year. When you were cleared to go back to school in 8th grade, you were a little anxious about seeing all of your friends again and going back to school, but you did great. You even came home with a couple new friends, Alyssa and Ashten. You have always had such a kind heart and a strong belief in making people feel good while conquering the injustices you saw in the world, like when Alyssa was told she couldn't attend 8th grade graduation. You and Asthen made her a diploma and held your own ceremony for her so she didn't feel left out. You even had me play graduation music for her.
The first day of each new high school year used to be so nerve racking for you because you were worried about finding your classes, remembering your locker combination, what teachers you would get, whether you would have your close friends in class, and if you had the right outfit chosen (after trying on about 30 outfits). Your room would look like a tornado had passed through it by the end of the night. I would have to give you tylenol pm just to make you tired. Then you would crawl under a pile of clothes and try to go to sleep. Last year, your friends were nervous too, so they came over and spent the night so you could all go to school together.
You had two real boyfriends, Rudy and Gus. Not at the same time of course, but both were able to capture a piece of your heart. Together you shared first kisses, first dates, valentines, break-ups, make-ups, and birthdays. This picture was taken on your 16th birthday. You looked gorgeous! You were so excited because that meant you would be able to get your driving permit, and then, your license.
Before I left for work, after wiping away another mess of tears, the mailman dropped off a card from Sister Terrill. She wrote, "Back to School - May be tough - just remember that Amanda is now in the only school that really counts! Thinking of you each day." I can't tell you want it means to get these random cards from people. Sometimes it's like the world expects you to just move on already, but then there are people who understand that my heart will always miss you and I will have both good and bad days. We all will. It comforts me to know that you really are in the school that really counts. The Lord is teaching you all He needs you to know so you can continue to do your missionary work. You will continue to learn and grow, and with that growth, you will be able to pour blessings from the heavens on to all of us. I know I will have many first days without you now, but the first day I look forward to most is the one were we are reunited. I will love you forever and always my love.
Mama
August 11, 2012
Measuring Your Absence
How do we measure your absence my love?
In breaths, moments, months, weeks, days, or hours?
Shall we number the tears that have burned our cheeks,
Or the petals that have fallen off the summers flowers?
Do we count each memory shared with another,
Or the hugs that were given in your name?
So many comments left on your Facebook wall,
Reminding us that we are not alone in our pain
Last night as I lay next to your sister,
The moon crawling towards the morning sun,
I swear I felt you cuddled tightly in my arms,
I could almost feel you breathing... only our breaths were one.
Do we measure your absence in dreams my love?
If so, you've only been gone from me for a day.
Do we go by the number of Wednesdays gone by?
There have been four since you went away.
Do we use the number of sympathy cards received,
And the hearts that have been touched near and far?
Or do we count the times we lost it, together and individually,
By your headstone, in the shower, alone in bed, or the car.
Shall I count each time I used your shampoo to smell you near.
Each picture stared at, touched, and lightly kissed.
I wonder if any of the things we do here now,
Can truly measure the depth of how much you're missed.
Perhaps we should measure our time without you,
By the prayers we have given on bended knee.
Or all the pleas asking why you left us so soon.
Requests sent to heaven to keep your spirit close to me.
Does it really matter that it is the 11th of the month?
All these reminders that we are now physically apart.
No... I will not measure your absence, my love,
Instead I will carry your life's song forever in my heart.
In breaths, moments, months, weeks, days, or hours?
Shall we number the tears that have burned our cheeks,
Or the petals that have fallen off the summers flowers?
Do we count each memory shared with another,
Or the hugs that were given in your name?
So many comments left on your Facebook wall,
Reminding us that we are not alone in our pain
Last night as I lay next to your sister,
The moon crawling towards the morning sun,
I swear I felt you cuddled tightly in my arms,
I could almost feel you breathing... only our breaths were one.
Do we measure your absence in dreams my love?
If so, you've only been gone from me for a day.
Do we go by the number of Wednesdays gone by?
There have been four since you went away.
Do we use the number of sympathy cards received,
And the hearts that have been touched near and far?
Or do we count the times we lost it, together and individually,
By your headstone, in the shower, alone in bed, or the car.
Shall I count each time I used your shampoo to smell you near.
Each picture stared at, touched, and lightly kissed.
I wonder if any of the things we do here now,
Can truly measure the depth of how much you're missed.
Perhaps we should measure our time without you,
By the prayers we have given on bended knee.
Or all the pleas asking why you left us so soon.
Requests sent to heaven to keep your spirit close to me.
Does it really matter that it is the 11th of the month?
All these reminders that we are now physically apart.
No... I will not measure your absence, my love,
Instead I will carry your life's song forever in my heart.
July 30, 2012
Serving a Mission
July 29th
Rich and I went to church today at the Arcadia Foothill building so we could hear the daughters of our friends give farewell talks. One of the girls, Lauren, is going to BYU and her older sister, Cammie, is leaving to serve a mission in South Carolina. I used to tell Rich there was no way I could every be apart from one of our girls for 18 months while they served a mission. How could I go through my day without hearing their voice or being hugged by my girls? In fact, until we went to temple and were sealed to our daughters for time and all eternity, I would experience ocassional panic attacks. Knowing that we were sealed together forever took away those terrifying moments. Now my little girl is off serving a mission. Not in the Carolina's somewhere or in some foreign country where a second language is necessary to communicate, but she is serving a mission on the other side of the veil for her heavenly father. Having watched the reactions of friends and family to Amanda's passing and the Choose The Right message that was shared during her service being carried forward, I am certain that Amanda has impacted and changed many lives for the good. Still... I selfishly wish our separation was only to be for a short 18 months, and when she has finished her mission she will return to earthly home for us to raise her.
People keep asking me how I'm doing. My typical response to that question BEFORE Amanda's death would have been "good" or "great", but now all I can think of is "I'm hanging in". The truth is most of the time I do feel good because of the comfort the Lord and Amanda have been sending. Sometimes I actually feel guilty for not grieving more. I can hold it all together most of the time because I find myself taking each breath, each minute, each moment, each hour, each day, and each night as they come. I can manage if I keep living in the now. It's those desperate glances towards the future that throw me off... moments when the reality of not seeing my little girl until the next phase of our lives that sends my heart racing in panic and desperation. I ache so much from the loss of her physical being next to mine. Tonight as I made preparations for our Sunday night family dinner with our girls and their boyfriends, I felt that now familiar and unwanted panic creeping up on me, stealing away my strength. I kept thinking, "this dinner table should be set for 7 people(or 8 if Amanda's boyfriend also came), not six. We should be fighting over who has to sit in the oddball chair." There is an awkwardness about my life now. Hovering on the border of who I was before July 11th, who I am now, and who I am to become. As I sink in to this new life without one of my greatest lifes blessings, I find myself wondering where this new journey will take me. Will I make her proud of how I respond to this new way of living... without her?
Eventually, I know that people will move on with their lives. The condolence cards will stop coming. Her friends won't forget her, but they will have days when she isn't the first and last thing they think about. They will have nights when they dont feel the need to cry themselves to sleep. They will find joy and laughter in the simple beauty of life and live as though she were living through them. Will those days come for our family too? As much as I want to always remember her, I don't want it to always hurt to remember.
Amanda is serving a new mission now. One I know she didn't plan on serving for many, many years. Life is what it is though. There is no magic spell, wand, or fairy dust to change the outcome or our new circumstances. When people ask me how many daughters I have, I will always say "THREE!" with love and pride in my heart. Two that are with us, and one that is serving a mission for the Lord.
Rich and I went to church today at the Arcadia Foothill building so we could hear the daughters of our friends give farewell talks. One of the girls, Lauren, is going to BYU and her older sister, Cammie, is leaving to serve a mission in South Carolina. I used to tell Rich there was no way I could every be apart from one of our girls for 18 months while they served a mission. How could I go through my day without hearing their voice or being hugged by my girls? In fact, until we went to temple and were sealed to our daughters for time and all eternity, I would experience ocassional panic attacks. Knowing that we were sealed together forever took away those terrifying moments. Now my little girl is off serving a mission. Not in the Carolina's somewhere or in some foreign country where a second language is necessary to communicate, but she is serving a mission on the other side of the veil for her heavenly father. Having watched the reactions of friends and family to Amanda's passing and the Choose The Right message that was shared during her service being carried forward, I am certain that Amanda has impacted and changed many lives for the good. Still... I selfishly wish our separation was only to be for a short 18 months, and when she has finished her mission she will return to earthly home for us to raise her.
People keep asking me how I'm doing. My typical response to that question BEFORE Amanda's death would have been "good" or "great", but now all I can think of is "I'm hanging in". The truth is most of the time I do feel good because of the comfort the Lord and Amanda have been sending. Sometimes I actually feel guilty for not grieving more. I can hold it all together most of the time because I find myself taking each breath, each minute, each moment, each hour, each day, and each night as they come. I can manage if I keep living in the now. It's those desperate glances towards the future that throw me off... moments when the reality of not seeing my little girl until the next phase of our lives that sends my heart racing in panic and desperation. I ache so much from the loss of her physical being next to mine. Tonight as I made preparations for our Sunday night family dinner with our girls and their boyfriends, I felt that now familiar and unwanted panic creeping up on me, stealing away my strength. I kept thinking, "this dinner table should be set for 7 people(or 8 if Amanda's boyfriend also came), not six. We should be fighting over who has to sit in the oddball chair." There is an awkwardness about my life now. Hovering on the border of who I was before July 11th, who I am now, and who I am to become. As I sink in to this new life without one of my greatest lifes blessings, I find myself wondering where this new journey will take me. Will I make her proud of how I respond to this new way of living... without her?
Eventually, I know that people will move on with their lives. The condolence cards will stop coming. Her friends won't forget her, but they will have days when she isn't the first and last thing they think about. They will have nights when they dont feel the need to cry themselves to sleep. They will find joy and laughter in the simple beauty of life and live as though she were living through them. Will those days come for our family too? As much as I want to always remember her, I don't want it to always hurt to remember.
Amanda is serving a new mission now. One I know she didn't plan on serving for many, many years. Life is what it is though. There is no magic spell, wand, or fairy dust to change the outcome or our new circumstances. When people ask me how many daughters I have, I will always say "THREE!" with love and pride in my heart. Two that are with us, and one that is serving a mission for the Lord.
July 24, 2012
Hugs Heal Part II
A couple weeks ago I wrote a blogpost called "Hugs Heal - So Hug Like You Mean It". In that post I shared the hugs that have impacted me most in my life. At the time, there were only around 16 hugs that had etched their memory deep into my soul.
On July 11th, 2012, my world changed forever when my beautiful 16 year old daughter Amanda took her own life and, with that devastating event, the number of significant hugs that I have received and have given has become uncountable. Hugs came to us immediately from coworkers, neighbors, relatives, church members, friends of our family, and friends of our daughters. Prayers and hugs were sent out across Twitter with a #HugsHeal hashtag and Facebook wall notifications. Friends of Friends, who didn't even know us sent out their hugs and prayers and I felt strengthened by them all. Strangers who understood our grief from having endure the same dire circumstances and strangers who had never experienced the loss of a child, but knew it would feel almost unsurvivable without love from others; strangers or not.
In our LDS faith, as in many others, when someone passes the congregation pulls together to provide love, support, and meals. Lots and lots of meals. With each meal that is dropped off, I could almost see the remnants of tears that spilled onto their aprons as they prepared nourishment for our family using ingredients of love, friendship, hope, and pain. One of my co-workers came by the day after Amanda's passing, knowing that our home would be filled with teenagers coming to grieve, pay respects, and heal each other, she brought tons of snacks and drinks. When Amanda's friends came, we were prepared and I was extremely grateful. Friends and family came from near and far to hold us. My friend Lara, who I mention in my Hugs Heal blog, even organized my kitchen while our family friend Mandy J. cleaned up. Others stopped by to volunteer their services, even if it meant walking our three dogs. Church members who served their mission in our area and who had become a part of our family came too. We had visitors from North Carolina, Texas, Utah, BC, and both Northern and Southern California... all to wrap their arms around us to tell us we are not alone. Donations also poured in to help with the funeral expenses, taking a huge burden off our shoulders so we could focus on the healing process with our two older daughters.
I don't think I could have made it through without all of you. No one should ever have to experience a loss of any kind alone. Whether it be the loss of a loved one, a family pet, or friend, we should all learn to reach out to one another and give what we can of ourselves. My daughter Amanda was a very happy girl who had a brief moment of despair. Let this be a reminder to all of us to love deeply. My daughter was very loved and she loved deeply. We know she did not intend for the outcome to be this final, but it can not be changed. We must Carry On and live worthily so we can all be reunited again. Think about your decisions before you act. Choose the Right (CTR).
I feel like I have so much writing to do, but my heart will only let me get it out in pieces. Bare with me. Love Me. Hug Me. #hugsheal
On July 11th, 2012, my world changed forever when my beautiful 16 year old daughter Amanda took her own life and, with that devastating event, the number of significant hugs that I have received and have given has become uncountable. Hugs came to us immediately from coworkers, neighbors, relatives, church members, friends of our family, and friends of our daughters. Prayers and hugs were sent out across Twitter with a #HugsHeal hashtag and Facebook wall notifications. Friends of Friends, who didn't even know us sent out their hugs and prayers and I felt strengthened by them all. Strangers who understood our grief from having endure the same dire circumstances and strangers who had never experienced the loss of a child, but knew it would feel almost unsurvivable without love from others; strangers or not.
In our LDS faith, as in many others, when someone passes the congregation pulls together to provide love, support, and meals. Lots and lots of meals. With each meal that is dropped off, I could almost see the remnants of tears that spilled onto their aprons as they prepared nourishment for our family using ingredients of love, friendship, hope, and pain. One of my co-workers came by the day after Amanda's passing, knowing that our home would be filled with teenagers coming to grieve, pay respects, and heal each other, she brought tons of snacks and drinks. When Amanda's friends came, we were prepared and I was extremely grateful. Friends and family came from near and far to hold us. My friend Lara, who I mention in my Hugs Heal blog, even organized my kitchen while our family friend Mandy J. cleaned up. Others stopped by to volunteer their services, even if it meant walking our three dogs. Church members who served their mission in our area and who had become a part of our family came too. We had visitors from North Carolina, Texas, Utah, BC, and both Northern and Southern California... all to wrap their arms around us to tell us we are not alone. Donations also poured in to help with the funeral expenses, taking a huge burden off our shoulders so we could focus on the healing process with our two older daughters.
I don't think I could have made it through without all of you. No one should ever have to experience a loss of any kind alone. Whether it be the loss of a loved one, a family pet, or friend, we should all learn to reach out to one another and give what we can of ourselves. My daughter Amanda was a very happy girl who had a brief moment of despair. Let this be a reminder to all of us to love deeply. My daughter was very loved and she loved deeply. We know she did not intend for the outcome to be this final, but it can not be changed. We must Carry On and live worthily so we can all be reunited again. Think about your decisions before you act. Choose the Right (CTR).
I feel like I have so much writing to do, but my heart will only let me get it out in pieces. Bare with me. Love Me. Hug Me. #hugsheal
October 13, 2010
Abraham Lincoln said "Whatever you are, be the best you can be.". All I can say is I'm trying. I'm really trying. But it so hard to be your best when you are stretched, puLled, tugged, and yanked in twenty different directions. There's a point when you've taken on so much that work spills over in to your personal life and your personal life spills over to your work life. Eventually, you fail at something, whether you really failed or just believed you failed doesn't really matter because in your heart, you didn't give whatever you failed 100%. I need another me or another mini me to help me get back to 100% so I can feel like me again. Going in at 7:00am and leaving between 7:00 and 9:00pm still isn't enough work time to get caught up and I have nothing left to offer my family when I finally do get home. I won't give up though. I have a boss that believes in me and I know she has my back. I have a work team that continues to be high performers which allows me to focus on my to do list. I have a co-worker who makes me laugh my ass off every day. I have kids that give me hugs every night and a husband who understands when I just need a little shoe therapy. Last but not least, I have faith that the lord will not ask me down a path alone.
I'm feeling better just having written this down. Time to seal the deal with a bowl of cereal!
I'm feeling better just having written this down. Time to seal the deal with a bowl of cereal!
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