Blessed

You know that feeling you get when you download a new playlist, set it on shuffle, and just start walking while the words dance through your thoughts touching on distant memories? You look up at the stars and feel the night air gently kiss your skin. That feeling you get when you are embraced by the realization that there really is so much more than this material world we are walking through and the moment of gratitude that sinks into every ounce of your soul because you know without a doubt that God's hand painted this life for you.  The good, the bad, happy and even the tragically sad. He knew you would need bright colors, highlighted with just the right edge of darkness. He knew that darkness would help you learn to shine even brighter. He never asked you to paint the colors alone. He is with you in every stroke. He asks nothing of you. He just wants to know if in the end... will you still choose Him like HE chose you.

I love that feeling. It's love, hope, joy, and heartache all rolled up in one. It's what I call being alive.

#Blessed.

Lessons I Learned From My Dog Walnut

I said I would speak at church when needed… as long as I could pick my own topic. Mostly because I’ve always wanted an opportunity to share a story with you that taught me so many lessons, sometimes I feel like I still have “aha” moments where I realize I still have more to learn, even though it happened over 14 years ago.

Lessons I learned From Walnut

As I tell you this story, I want to see if you can find the following lessons:

·      Be Prepared

·      Follow the council of priesthood holders

·      Are you really prepared?

·      Prayer works

·      Don’t pass judgment

·      Goodbye is not forever

Be Prepared

Back when we lived in Arcadia, our family rented an old Spanish style house on a large fenced in lot on the corner of Huntington Drive and Golden West. Some of you know it as the house that the MTA bus crashed into, which is totally irrelevant, but an interesting fact that drew my husband to the house. This was our first house and even though our last apartment was quite large and we were allowed to own a cat, it was just a cat. My girls and I wanted a dog. Dogs are way cooler.

Having had plenty of lectures from my husband about being a responsible pet owner, I did my homework. I went on line and researched animal breeds that would be good with young children. Amanda was about 4 ½ and the older girls were 11 at the time. The girls and I poured over animal shelter sites and searched for the perfect dog to rescue. We spent at least a couple hours doing our research. I even went down the Pasadena Humane Society to check out the dogs ahead of time, just to make sure my heart was really in it.  They explained that part of the adoption process was to have the pet meet each of the family members. Which in my mind meant I wasn’t going to be able to just sneak whatever dog we wanted home and say “surprise!” so Rich couldn’t say no.

Follow the Council of Priesthood Holders

That afternoon, Rich came home early and we met him with excitement and begged him to go with us to get a dog. Only one problem… Rich didn’t think we were ready for a dog. So on came the lecture “As a priesthood holder (yes, he actually pulled the priesthood card), I feel compelled to tell you that we are not ready to adopt a dog.  The side fence is broken and could fall over any time; we need to buy food and a dog bed. Someone needs to walk and clean up after it.  I explained that we HAD prepared by researching breeds and humane societies.

He had us have a family prayer together, where again he used words like guidance, being prepared, responsibility, etc. At the end of it we opened our eyes and said… “Can we go get a dog now!”  He just shook his head because he knew we only heard what we wanted to hear, which in our minds was “we are getting a dog!”

Somehow we got him to go with us to the Humane Society to “Just take a look”.   I grew up with a boxer and that’s what I wanted. A dog with short hair because I somehow remembered they would shed less (WRONG).  We had the attendants bring back a couple dogs for us to meet that met my criteria, but in actuality were crazy hyper and all over the place. Then she brought back a dog she thought our girls would like. A big 105lb Anatolian Sheppard named Walnut who was covered in thick, long hair.

Rich sat in a corner completely irritated and uninterested. The dog went and lay behind him, trying to hide farther back. Then the attendant told us his story. Walnut was given to a little girl named Haley for Christmas. She and her mom loved him for 3 years, until her mom passed away from cancer and Haley had to move in with her dad and her step mom. They told us how awful it was the day Haley had to say good bye to her dog and how cruel that step mom must be to not let her keep him. Now Walnut had not only lost the only two people in his world, but had been taken to a shelter where they were running out of time on how long they could keep him. He was acting very depressed and never showed any interest in people that came to check him out, until our girls came up to his cage. She said that they probably reminded him of Haley. That is when I noticed that Rich’s hand had left his lap and was calmly petting the sweet, scared dog behind him. That’s when he looked at me and said, “We are taking this dog”.

Our happy family left the humane society plus one dog that night and took him directly to the groomer for a bath. That’s where we learned that he was a complete chicken and had to be carried, all 105 lbs of him, into the groomers or doctors office.

Are You Really Prepared?

When we got him home, Rich took off Walnut’s collar to make it a little larger. We decided that while he did this, we would take our new dog outside so he could get to know his new yard. That’s when he walked over to the side of the yard, pushed on the fence that was broken, which fell over and scared him so bad he took off running – right down Huntington Drive during 5:30 pm traffic. I chased after him as the girls went to get their dad.  The last I saw of him, he was about 2 blocks ahead of me and disappeared into some bushes. We checked those bushes over and over again, to no avail. That’s when we broke up into two cars and started our 2-hour search.  Lauren and I searched while Amanda was in the backseat making commentaries like “Well… we HAD a dog.” And “Dad said we weren’t ready for a dog, I guess this is what he meant.”

Prayer Works

Finally, in desperation I pulled over in front of the bushes where I had last seen him. It was getting really dark and our chances of finding him were growing slim. So I did the only thing I knew how to do. I said, “Let’s pray”. That’s when I said “Look Lord, I know we suck as dog owners, and maybe we weren’t as prepared as I thought we were, but if you help us find this sweet lost dog, I promise you we will be good to him and treat him like part of our family.” I opened my eyes and found Lauren just staring at me… “That’s the prayer that’s going to get our dog back?” she questioned me.  “just go look in the bushes again”, I told her.  She walked over to the building and just as she was walking up to the bushes, the garden lights came on and were shining brightly on a terrified dog. Lauren excitedly came running back to the car, exclaiming, “Your prayer worked! He’s in the bushes!” And I yelled back… “and you just left him there! Go get him!” We took him home and the next day Rich fixed the fence.

Don’t Pass Judgment

Two weeks later the girls and I were proudly walking our new dog. When we got to the park, a car pulled up beside us with a little girl and what looked like her mother. The little girl rolled her window down and said, “Did you adopt that dog? Is his name Walnut?” I looked at her and said “We did. Are you Haley?” She told us about how she used to put dresses and high heels on him and how much she loved him, but when her mom died and she moved in with her dad, the apartment was too small for him and there wasn’t a yard for him to play in so he just seemed so unhappy. Her step mom said it was the hardest thing they had to do, but they knew giving him up would be best for him. 

Immediately, I felt this bitterness in my heart that I held towards a woman I had never met, dissolve and a gentle reminder from the Lord that it wasn’t my role to judge in the first place. We are to love unconditionally, just like a dog who gratefully wags his tail with forgiveness, joy, and enthusiasm... even after being left home alone all day. We swapped information with them and told them they could see him anytime.

Years later, in 2006, we took Walnut to the vet because he was having problems with his hip. When they did an xray to see if he was healthy enough for surgery, they found a large mass in his lungs.  We made a decision to take him home and love him until he showed us he was ready to go. When that day came, we called a vet out to our house. Walnut was in a lot of pain and just keep crying and throwing his head on the ground so the vet gave him something to calm him so the girls and our dog Spike could come out and say good bye. As he lay on his favorite rug, next to the door way between our living and dining room, we said a family prayer and told him what an amazing member of the family he had been. How he taught us how to love unconditionally and brought so much joy into our lives. Then we released him from this world and his pain. It was the most heartbreaking, yet beautiful experience in my life.

Six years later, our family came together in prayer in the exact same spot where we said good bye to Walnut, to say goodbye and release our daughter Amanda from this mortal world. She also gave so much, but left much too soon.  Though our hearts ached to say good bye, there was also a sweet realization that goodbye is not final. Walnut left early so he could be there to welcome Amanda home again. They ARE together again.

I testify to you that if we prepare ourselves appropriately, not just by reading scriptures occasionally, but by living a life that proves we are prepared for the Savior to come again, and if we not just seek, but follow the council of our priesthood holders, turning to The Lord in earnest prayer that is free from judgment and pride, that our goodbyes will not be forever.

The Slow Dance of Grief

My sweet friend, who recently lost her husband after a long battle with a terminal illness, sent me a text. In it she asked "Does the pain ever go away?"  Having lived with my own grief for almost two years now, I answered her as I wish someone would had me. I said...

Honestly... The pain of losing someone never goes away. You just learn how to manage it. It's like an uninvited guest who sits quietly... waiting for you to acknowledge its presence. In the beginning it climbs all over you like a cranky two year old who can't be satisfied... no matter how much you coddle it, or pray for it to be still and let you rest. 

Each breath you take will leave you aching for more... Like you never have enough air to fill you up. You become numb and wonder what matters and what doesn't. You struggle to feel anything, even though you also feel everything so intensely. Your life will be split into time frames of remembrance. Your life when you felt complete and everything was good... Even when it wasn't. The day you lost your love. And the day after when you stepped into your new life of having to live physically apart. 

Then one day you realize in a strange moment that it hasn't begged you to hold it or cry with it for a few hours and you feel a little guilty because you actually feel relieved to not have to entertain it. Sometimes you feel obligated to dance a slow painful and unfamiliar dance with this unwanted partner. He pushes you backwards as you step on his toes. Over time, you learn the dance. Eventually you gain quiet strength and you tell your guest... "It's time for me to take the lead. I will dance with you and I will hold you close to my heart, but I will set the pace and melody."

Slowly... You start to heal. You can say their name without people flinching in sadness. You find yourself loving more deeply and forgiving more freely. Your memories become a beautiful song that plays gently in the background of your life, like the soundtrack of your heart. Sometimes, like during holidays and special anniversary dates, the music will blast in your head until you learn that it's okay to turn it down again. It never really stops playing. You never stop hearing it, but it softens and becomes your partner. The pain... Just like the music or the unwanted guest is truly always there. You just learn to lead it in your own dance. Somehow... All that emptiness is slowly filled with hope for the future and the knowledge that you will be together again. 

Tears From Heaven

Have you ever prayed so hard for something that tears poured down your face and your heart ached from such a heavy plea? Well... I will go on record and say most days and nights I'm okay, but there are these moments when my heart is longing for Amanda and knowing I have to wait until we meet again in heaven is not enough for me. I know I can't have her back in the physical realm with us, so my prayers are never unrealistic. I usually pray that she is happy, knows how much we love and miss her, that she is able to watch over us and send us signs of her presence in our every day lives, and that she is growing and learning while building our castle in heaven. 

The other night, Amanda was on my mind a lot and I couldn't sleep, so I laid in bed reading. I heard her dog, Spike, start to whimper in his sleep and I wondered if he was having a bad dream. Then my mind raced to a thought that maybe he missed Amanda. Then I thought "what if he doesn't remember her?" And my tears started to fall like a faucet that had been left on. "Does she miss US? Does she miss me?" It was a moment of sad desperation. A mother needing to know that her daughter loved her and missed her. It's weird because I usually feel so secure in this knowledge, but this night, I needed a sign. I needed to know with all my heart that my Amanda loved me and missed me as much as i did her. I selfishly wanted to know that she was sad too. Not so sad that she couldn't be happy or that her heart ached from longing, but enough to miss us. So I prayed. I prayed that God would let her know how much I loved and missed her and that He would give a sign that she loved and missed me too. I prayed and I cried. 

Eventually, I must have fallen asleep. I was deep in a world of comfort and much needed sleep when I I was awoken by a kiss. A soft kiss planted gently on the upper left side of my lip. I moved my hand to that spot in bewilderment and confusion. When I touched that spot I felt a tiny seed of moisture right above where the sensation on my lip still lingered. A teardrop. I rubbed the moisture between my thumb and trigger finger in disbelief. Then I quickly felt my eyes to see if I was crying in my sleep. I wasn't. I sat up and studied my husbands sleeping position to see if maybe he gleeked me, but he was facing the opposite direction. As I searched desperately for a legitimate answer, I heard a tender chuckle in my mind say "mama... You asked for God and I to send you a sign. Why is it so hard to believe He would answer your prayer?" "I love you and I miss you more than you'll ever know, but I am ALWAYS with you." 

So you may be reading this thinking I'm crazy and that's okay because it's hard for me to believe too, but I am just going to try and accept it for what it was and needs to be for me. God heard my plea and answered my prayer. He allowed Amanda to give me a tender kiss and when she did, a tear drop fell from her eyes. She loves us. She misses us. And she is always with me. God hears our every prayer. The answers will come if we are patient and faithful. He will not leave us alone. For His love and the love of my sweet family, I will always be grateful and never question their depth again. 

Green Blades of Grass

I lay here on this solid ground

In the spot you were laid to rest

Your body lies underneath me

But your soul lives in my chest

I place my hand upon the earth

Green blades run between my fingers

I try to clear my mind of thoughts

But the memory of you lingers

Flowers left beside your grave

Tell me others think of you too

We all know deep inside our hearts

This place is not where we will find you

Those places where we laughed together

Before you went away

Those are the places we will find you

Those are where your memory stays

And when we need to know you're near

A breeze will brush our cheek

Kisses from the heavens

For the words we can not speak

A hummingbird will share its joy

A star will shine brightly from above

A strangers smile will catch our eyes

And fill our hearts will love

God will send us subtle signs

To comfort us throughout our day

We must learn to find the beauty

In each gift He sends our way

Time can not separate us

Nor can this earth keep us apart

Green blades of grass between my fingers

Your life's song plays in my heart

For my daughter Amanda Kellie Andrews

Six Months...

It's hard to believe I have made it through 6 months without holding your little skinny body. Or having you purposely grind your bony butt in my lap after I scratched your back for a while. It's strange not smelling nail polish and nail polish remover every single day as I pass by your old room or the kitchen counter. Lauren just bought 25 new nail polish colors so I think she going to try and bring that Mandy smell back :) it's weird getting ready in the morning and not fighting over rug and mirror space with you. Lauren tries to hog the space, but eventually her nice side kicks in and she scoots over. I swear I can still hear your heavy footsteps pounding the floor of the hall. How could someone so tiny sound like freaking Bigfoot? 

If you were physically here with us I think you would like helping with your Amanda Panda Choose The Right foundation. It gets pretty tiring cutting pledge cards and wrapping wristbands, but it is also very rewarding. You would know just the right things to say to kids who leave us messages about how they are struggling. When I respond to them I never really feel like its me responding, but your voice through me. So thank you for staying with me and helping me out. 

I have to be honest and say when I had my surgery last month I was a little disappointed that nothing went wrong. If I could have just left this world for one short moment so I could see your face again and hold you in my arms, if even for a minute, it would have been all I needed. But no... I had an amazing surgeon and everything went perfectly well!

Shopping hasn't been any fun for me since you left us. I miss playing phone tag in the mall with you and your friends and hearing you tell them to stay close to me or I would be out of your sight within seconds making you try and find me by calling my phone to hear my ringtone. Now i just wander around aimlessly for a while and usually leave without buying a thing.  All I see and think is "that would look good on Amanda" and I want to buy it for you as a surprise because you loved surprises and they always made you smile and you would reward me with a big hug. 

Wow... Writing the word hug just made my eyes start to pour. I can't begin to tell you how much I miss our daily hugs. How you and Lauren would make a sandwich out of me in a hug and you would finish by grabbing my butt and Lauren would grab my chechees. I miss those silly poems you and Breanna would write back and forth and how you would spam her with a 100 text messages in one hour just because you were bored. I miss seeing the three of you hanging out in the kitchen or having girl talks in one of your rooms. I miss hearing your dad say " I bet I know what will make her smile!" when you were having a bad day and it didn't matter how grumpy you were, you would always grin from ear to ear when he pulled out his wallet and gave you a twenty. You were so stubborn too. Remember when your dad said something like "Amanda don't be stupid" so you didn't talk to him for two whole weeks until he apologized (and gave you a twenty).

I'm so glad you liked taking pictures of yourself because we have so many beautiful photos to look at now. My favorites are when your friends share some random picture or video we haven't seen before. Especially if you are talking  in it because I miss the sound of your voice so much. Nothing replaces the most beautiful image of you live and in person though. That's the one I really need. Sometimes I just close my eyes and picture you coming to lay on me or next to me to cuddle. I can feel the weight of your little body and the heat from your skin as you sink in next to me. I lay there and smell the scent from your freshly washed hair. It's wet against my skin, but I just gently move it to the side a little. Those are the memories I want to remember. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the memories of your angel day and my mind wants to replay every moment, every phone call, every hug, tear shed, and every last image. Then I try and drown out those thoughts with a sweet smile of yours instead or I have a good cry in my car or my office with my door closed, or at home in the bathtub/shower where the tears can run into the water. I just let it out and then I take a deep breath (and sometimes an anxiety pill). I quiet the voices in my head and listen gently for the one voice that will bring me comfort. The Lord has been good to me Amanda. He has wrapped His loving arms around me and allowed your arms to continue to circle me too so that I can have the strength to face each day without you physically here. We always said that you were the glue that bonded us together and now you are the glue that holds us together because we all want to be the best versions of ourselves for you. We have grown closer as a family and you are to thank for that. I know you are still with us. I feel you with us all the time. When your friends hang out at the house, I think they feel you there too.

We had such a great time celebrating your 17th birthday by singing you happy birthday at the cemetery with a large group of your friends and some adorable panda bear cupcakes that we made,  then we brought them back to the house for taco night two.

We made everyone come to our house this year for Christmas. I know you were there sitting around that table with us, smiling because you had everybody here in your favorite dwelling spot, surrounded  by tons of love.  I found that when you surround yourself with people who bring you joy that its hard t feel like you should be sad. I am so grateful for all of your friends (now our friends) who take the time to remember us. Who leave me random messages and check in with me to let me know they are doing okay. I appreciate even more though the trust they place in me when their hearts and minds are fragile and they reach out to me because they just need someone to listen and encourage them to keep going. Some of your friends come over just for hugs! I love that!

Your dads been talking about moving to a newer home that wouldn't require as much upkeep. I'm not a fan of the idea because we have so many memories of you growing up here, but I know we can take those memories with us where ever we go and that your spirit will come with us too if we ever make the move. Alyssa cried when she heard he wanted to move. I promised that we would stay here until they graduate from school so she and Ashten can keep coming over during the week to hang out. Alyssa keeps eating all the empanadas so its kind of like you are still here! 

While I don't think any of us will ever get over the sad days, we will get through them. I know we will because you will always be there to help us my little hummingbird (that hummingbird reference will have to be a whole blog post of its own! Your dad thinks I'm the crazy bird lady, but I don't care because it brings me joy) 

Well Stinkerbell... Give Walnut, Nana, Robin, grandpa Jack & George,grandma Helen, grandma Lola, my friend Robbie, Aliah, and baby J'Lynn a hug for me. I will always love you with all my heart. I know 6 months is nothing compared to the years we have left until we are no longer separated, but I'm going to try and just take one breath and one day at a time until I see you again. Thank you for the strength you give us to carry on. I love you baby girl. Forever and ever, to the moon and back, billions and billions Carl Sagan Gee Paw. 

Love mama

Dreams

It funny how the mind protects people in their most fragile states, turning off pieces of memories for a time. Perhaps it is so our minds can simply rest from all of the 'what if's' allowing time to heal. We've talked about that as a family... it seems we've all stopped dreaming since Amanda's passing. Or at least, none of us can recall our dreams. But I think that is the Lords way of saying, "Be gentle and patient. She has work to do here. When she is ready AND when YOU are ready, she will come to you. Rest now. Be still and know that I am with her and I am here for you."

I had one night when I was starting to fall asleep when I could almost feel her cuddled in my arms and smell the sweetness of her clean wet hair. I breathed her in as if she was truly there. I could feel our breaths move together, one breath in for each breath out. I know it was just me, but in that state of near sleep, it felt so real to me and I just treasured that moment. It hurts sometimes because I want to see Amanda so desperately and I feel like all of my memories come from pictures around my house. I don't want to remember her through snapshots, I want to know and feel her in each moment. 

I've missed dreaming. Sometimes her friends write about how Amanda came to them in a dream and it makes me smile because it's like she is going to the people who needed it the most. She is handling the most fragile first. I feel like she has never left us, at least in spirit, but still... I want her to come to me too. 

Last night I slept without any dream recollection, then woke up for a bit and fell back asleep. In my second round of sleep early this morning, I got my wish. A dream with Amanda in it... at last :)

It started off a little strange and irritating. I remember there was an odor coming from the side of our house that smelled a little like dog pee. When I went to the side of the house, I found a doorway that led to a very long hallway that was connected to our house. Down that hallway were little pee puddles and near the end of that long hall was Spike, Amanda's chihuahua, lifting his leg on the wall, leaving a trail that led me straight to a room. When I opened the door to the room, Spike ran inside. Inside the room was a bed like Amanda's and a big white fluffy down comforter just like she had. I was looking around the room and then looked at the bed when I saw the comforter move. Amanda was under the covers. She looked out at me and smiled and said "Hi mama". I looked down at her and said "Hi sweetie. I've missed you. What are you doing in this room?" She climbed out from under the fluffy comforter and said, "I'm helping some other kids cross to the other side. See... here comes one now." Then a little child appeared and she went to the wall, which appeared very thin, like a white sheet, and she led the child through the wall saying "It's okay... go to Him." Then she climbed back under the comforter and pulled it up to her chin and said, "I love you mama." I said "I love you too baby", then I walked out of the room to find a Swiffer to clean up the pee puddles leaving Amanda to do her job.

Figures... I would finally have a dream with Amanda in it and all I can think about is cleaning up the pee puddles! I thought about that dream a lot today though and found great peace in it. It assured me that she is okay. She still loves and knows us and that she is doing her job to help others cross the veil to be with their Heavenly Father. It tells me that the veil is thin and she is still very close to us... as close as crossing over a hallway to another room. It also reminded me that Spike thinks he owns that little girl, but sometimes his possessiveness can come in handy. I know I won't be blessed with dreams every day, but I will learn to cherish each one I am given, just as I've learned to find the beauty in this loss of ours. It may be a while before I see Amanda again in the spirit world, until then, I will keep her in my dreams.

First Days

I will never forget your first day in this world. You made quite an entrance arriving in the middle of the night and only giving me two hours notice from the time my contractions started until you made your first appearance on December 19th, 1995, a little after 4:00am. I couldn't even have pain killers because you were in such a hurry. You had the umbilical cord wrapped tightly around your neck so you came out purple and quiet. I made your dad go and give you a little pinch to get you to cry (Yes... the doctor said that was a good idea!) That night, you stayed with me in my hospital room while your dad went home and slept. It was so close to Christmas that some of the hospital staff were going through the halls singing Christmas carols. Your aunt Monica and I got up to watch them. Their sweet songs lulled you right back to sleep. You, my love, will always be the best early Christmas present I will ever have.

Your first day of kindergarten you met a little girl named Victoria Perez. You two found each other that first day and became best friends within minutes. You had many first days together, including failed attempts at sleepovers where you would both end up in bed with us or Tori's parents.  Tori was your first friend to take you on a play date. You got to have McDonald's and had no problem speaking up and telling Donna and Gil that you did NOT like cheese on your burger. When we moved from Arcadia to Monrovia right before you started second grade, we knew there would be first days that you two would experience without each other so we made our best attempt to keep you connected by meeting up for dinner at the mall every Friday night. That lasted until almost middle school and our family dinners became less frequent, but that never stopped you from being friends with each other and using Facebook to share your first days together.

You started 2nd grade at a new school you didn't seem worried at all. You quickly made friends with Carina, Emily, and many others. You were ready to learn and explore your new world. You were so confident and happy.

Middle school wasn't an easy time for you because you got terribly sick during 7th grade and were in and out of the hospital for 6 months. You were so sick all the time that we had to put you on independent study. Your friends that you met in the 6th grade (Sophie, Sierra, and Kayla) stayed by your side though and had you over whenever you were well enough to go out.

You grew up a lot during the time you were sick. Friends often told us that you seemed like you had an old soul after that year. When you were cleared to go back to school in 8th grade, you were a little anxious about seeing all of your friends again and going back to school, but you did great.  You even came home with a couple new friends, Alyssa and Ashten. You have always had such a kind heart and a strong belief in making people feel good while conquering the injustices you saw in the world, like when Alyssa was told she couldn't attend 8th grade graduation. You and Asthen made her a diploma and held your own ceremony for her so she didn't feel left out. You even had me play graduation music for her.

The first day of each new high school year used to be so nerve racking for you because you were worried about finding your classes, remembering your locker combination, what teachers you would get, whether you would have your close friends in class, and if you had the right outfit chosen (after trying on about 30 outfits). Your room would look like a tornado had passed through it by the end of the night. I would have to give you tylenol pm just to make you tired. Then you would crawl under a pile of clothes and try to go to sleep. Last year, your friends were nervous too, so they came over and spent the night so you could all go to school together.

You had two real boyfriends, Rudy and Gus. Not at the same time of course, but both were able to capture a piece of your heart. Together you shared first kisses, first dates, valentines, break-ups, make-ups, and birthdays. This picture was taken on your 16th birthday. You looked gorgeous! You were so excited because that meant you would be able to get your driving permit, and then, your license.

Today would have been the first day of your Junior year. I have to admit that most days I feel like I can hold myself together, but yesterday I could feel my grief creeping up on me slowly, waiting for the perfect moment to come crashing down on me. I fought back tears most of the day and enjoyed a family outing (Yes... we were an 'outdoor' family yesterday!) Then last night, Emily stopped by to bring me a "first day of school Panda shirt". How wonderful it felt to know that I was being thought of too. That shirt was just what I needed to open up the flood gates of tears. Oh how it saddens me to think we will not have any more first days of school. This morning, I wanted to fight with you over room on the bathroom rug. I wanted to share make up and watch the morning news on the bathroom tv with you. I wanted to be able to yell down the hall to hurry up because we were going to be late AGAIN. I wanted to tell you that you looked beautiful like always and that you picked the perfect first day of school outfit. I wanted to make you lunch and buy you school supplies. It made me think about last week, when I was at Staples picking up some markers and envelopes to mail your CTR wristbands out and I saw a teenager about your age trying to get her parents to let her add a frivolous article to their already full shopping cart. I had to stop myself from shouting, "Oh please... just let her have it. Don't you know how lucky you are?"

I knew today would be hard for your friends too, because it was so hard for me. Your friends had shared so many stories of you sharing your lunch with them and that really warmed my heart. So I talked Lauren in to helping me make lunches for all 16 of your lunchtime friends.  We put in all of your favorite foods. PB and J sandwiches, fruit punch, hot Cheetos, fruit roll-up, chocolate chip muffin, and a granola bar. We packed them in brown paper bags because you like to tell Lauren and I that it made you felt special and like someone really loved you because they took the time to pack a lunch in a brown paper bag. Then Lauren dropped them off at school with Brandon. We wanted you to be part of the first day of school and you were sweetie. Your friends were surprised and grateful. Not only were they fed physically, but I believe their souls were fed as well. They know you love them still and you are going to be walking those halls with them, sharing lunches with them, and sending them hugs and kisses from heaven.

Before I left for work, after wiping away another mess of tears, the mailman dropped off a card from Sister Terrill. She wrote, "Back to School - May be tough - just remember that Amanda is now in the only school that really counts! Thinking of you each day." I can't tell you want it means to get these random cards from people. Sometimes it's like the world expects you to just move on already, but then there are people who understand that my heart will always miss you and I will have both good and bad days. We all will. It comforts me to know that you really are in the school that really counts. The Lord is teaching you all He needs you to know so you can continue to do your missionary work. You will continue to learn and grow, and with that growth, you will be able to pour blessings from the heavens on to all of us. I know I will have many first days without you now, but the first day I look forward to most is the one were we are reunited. I will love you forever and always my love.

Mama

Measuring Your Absence

How do we measure your absence my love?
In breaths, moments, months, weeks, days, or hours?
Shall we number the tears that have burned our cheeks,
Or the petals that have fallen off the summers flowers?
Do we count each memory shared with another,
Or the hugs that were given in your name?
So many comments left on your Facebook wall,
Reminding us that we are not alone in our pain

Last night as I lay next to your sister,
The moon crawling towards the morning sun,
I swear I felt you cuddled tightly in my arms,
I could almost feel you breathing... only our breaths were one.
Do we measure your absence in dreams my love?
If so, you've only been gone from me for a day.
Do we go by the number of Wednesdays gone by?
There have been four since you went away.

Do we use the number of sympathy cards received,
And the hearts that have been touched near and far?
Or do we count the times we lost it, together and individually,
By your headstone, in the shower, alone in bed, or the car.
Shall I count each time I used your shampoo to smell you near.
Each picture stared at, touched, and lightly kissed.
I wonder if any of the things we do here now,
Can truly measure the depth of how much you're missed.

Perhaps we should measure our time without you,
By the prayers we have given on bended knee.
Or all the pleas asking why you left us so soon.
Requests sent to heaven to keep your spirit close to me.
Does it really matter that it is the 11th of the month?
All these reminders that we are now physically apart.
No... I will not measure your absence, my love,
Instead I will carry your life's song forever in my heart.

I Miss...

What I miss about you... 

I miss your chocolate brown eyeballs and your beautiful lips.   How your smile could make my heart skip a beat.

I miss going shopping with you for shoes and clothes and how if I said I was going to Target you always tagged along. I liked buying you things because you could make anything, no matter the price, new or used, look absolutely fabulous. Mostly though, I just liked having you by my side. 

I miss your sarcasm. Hearing you tell Lauren to put a bag over her face before leaving the house and all of your constant teasing. We all knew that every time you were saying something mean (in your teasing way) that you were really saying "I love you". 

I miss you walking through the house in your bra and panties, carefree and happy. Especially in your pretty pink sequined "party panties" that made you want to dance around the house. 

I miss your beautiful voice. You sang so lovely, even though you refused to sing at church we would get to hear you sing in the shower, in your room, and in the car. How I would love to hear you sing to me now,  or just say my name. 

I miss your random text messages asking for food, sending me pictures of the dogs, funny videos, asking for rides, and how you would send me that "mama!" text if I didn't answer your first text. 

I miss that ridiculous machine gun sound that you made when you slept. Man that noise drove us all nuts. 

I miss you taking pictures of yourself - ALL the time! You wanted to model and loved photography.

You loved making goofy faces and dressing like a dork when you were in your playful mood.  

I miss making food for you and your friends. Smiley face fries, quesadilla's, and empanadas were some of your favorite after school snacks. Sophie says you guys used to climb on the garbage can, then the wall, and on to the roof of the garage so you could eat them up their in the sun. 

I miss fighting for bathroom space in the morning. You were such a counter hog! No matter how big of a floor-mat I got you still stood firm in the middle making me keep one foot on the cold floor. 

I miss driving you to school everyday. It drove me nuts that you were ALWAYS late, but when I asked you why you couldn't be on time - ever- you said you liked walking in to first period late because everyone would say good-morning to you, even your teacher, and that just made you feel even more special. 

I miss your laughter. Oh how it made my heart happy to hear your laughter in the other room when you were hanging out with your friends or your sisters. You really were a happy person. You filled my life with joy and sunshine. 

I miss you telling me I needed to leave the house if you were going to clean so you could get in to your groove and blast your music. 

I miss the excitement that lit up your face when "Border Wars" or some other prison show would come on tv and how it drove you nuts that I loved reading books all the time. Two days before you left us you told me "Mom! Stop reading all these books! You're going to rot your brain cells. Now get in there and watch some tv!" 

I miss taking you to walk the Duarte trail - only to have you abandon me so you could run up and meet your boyfriend for a few minutes. 

I miss dropping you off and picking you up on Friday nights when you would meet up with your friends.

I miss being able to tell you how I loved the birthday party you threw for me four days before you left us. You planned it secretly with my friend and co-worker and it was wonderful! You gave me a memory I will never forget. 

I miss the constant radio channel wars we had in the car.  

I miss wrestling you to try and blow on your belly. Okay, maybe the blowing didn't really make you laugh but you did think my attempts were funny. For someone so tiny, you were so darn strong! 

I miss watching you do the Butt Bible workouts and how you made Zumba look like someone having seizures standing up. 

I miss having you call me or send me a Facebook message when you were in the other room because wanted something but you were too lazy to get up.  

I miss the phone calls when I was out of town to tell me you were hungry, even when your dad was at home in the backyard. 

I miss making lunches for you and putting them in brown lunch sacks because you said it made you feel loved. Even though I knew you were stealing a line from a book we both read, it always made me want to make lunch for you. I also miss how you would say food always taste better when I made it for you, even though I know food, in general, taste better when you don't have to make it yourself. 

I miss cuddle time. Having you climb in my lap or lay across me so I could scratch your back.  

I miss taking you on driving lessons. You were so focused. You would have been a great driver. You worked so hard to bring your grades up so you could drive the BMW as your reward. Now your dad can't bear to part with it because it was going to be yours. We are still so proud of you. 

I miss hearing about the teachers that drove you nuts and why and having you present your fact of the day from Mr. Ho's class. School was not your favorite place to be, but you loved your friends and certain teachers. You were given Saturday school for being late countless times, but you would beg me not to make you go because you got more done with the second threat of in-school detention. 

I miss your obsession with your hair that refused to grow and all the special products you would try off the Internet to help it along. I even miss finding your hair extensions all over the house. 

I miss finding your clothes strewn all around the house. Our house is so clean now. I'd take the dirtiness all over again if it meant you were still with us.

I miss hearing about your road trip stories that you took with your dad, Dean, and the Judd's. I miss you teasing me about coming along with you because you didn't like that I needed to stop every four hours to pee when your bladder was made of iron. 

I miss how you sucked at school math but always seemed to know your numbers when it came to working for Nathan and Mandy during the summer babysitting and selling glow stuff at special events. 
I miss the confidence you showed when you taught me the ropes of selling all things that glow. 

I miss you telling your dad and I that we were disgusting for kissing each other in front of you. 

I miss being able to say your name without someone looking at me with sad, knowing eyes.

I miss the smell of your freshly washed hair.  It was one of the new shampoo and conditioners you found on Amazon to make your hair grow. I miss your smells so much I ordered a bottle just so I can smell you with me. 

I miss looking for you in your room in the morning to wake you up only to find you sleeping with Lauren in her room, tangled in some strange position. 

I miss seeing you carry your dog around the house and having you tell us that Spike needed to stay alive until you graduated from high school because you wanted him to be there. He's pretty upset that he doesn't get to go now!

I will miss watching you graduate from high school and college. Seeing you fall in love and get married. Watching you become a mother and your children, our grandchildren grow up.  I  will miss you every day my little Stinkerbell. You are my heart and my soul. You were and will always be the glue that bonds each member of our family together and keeps us connected to one another.  Most of all I think I will miss our daily hugs and how you always gave a little butt squeeze at the end.  

I just miss you. Every single thing about you. I love you Amanda Kellie Andrews. Always have. Always will. 

9-25-10

My kids tease me that I have no friends outside of work. They say that my sister and friend Godo don't count because Kellie is, well, my sister, and Godo is a friend that I met through work, even though we've been close friends for about 12 years. It isn't easy for me to open my heart to people because it seems I always have to say good-bye at some point.

My best friend growing up was Lara. We were pretty much inseparable from about 8 years old to 20 years old, the point when a very close friend of mine died in a car accident and my world sort of fell to pieces. I found myself walking numb in a life I didn't really understand anymore. Everyone around me just wanted to get high and I found myself suffocating in doubt and shattered dreams. My mom and step dad and I weren't really getting along for reasons I can't even recall. My world was dark and lonely. As much as I tried to make sense of it all, my sorrow kept pulling me under. One night, in a moment of weakness and despair, I took about 20 Tylenol PM's hoping to end the pain. Lara called me that night and sensing that something was wrong, but unable to get over to me, called our friend Nate. Nate came over that night and stuck his fingers down my throat and then made me drink coffee all night. In the morning he took me to a place where he worked as a volunteer and introduced me to a shrink who told me I didn't really want to die. He told me that I needed to focus on me and get away from the things that were weighing me down. As much as it hurt to know what I would have to leave behind, mainly Lara, I knew that he was right. I didn't want to be a part of a world that celebrated the memory of a friend by getting high and drinking, but that didn't mean I didn't want to be part of this world. I've never told anyone about that night. Partially because of the shame I feel when I think of the pain I would have inflicted on those that loved me if my attempt to kill my own pain would have succeeded and partially because it hurts too much to remember. Funny thing is that Robbie's death was the tipping point for saving my life. His death changed me and what I thought was important. I walked away from the person I was to become the person I wanted to be.

After phoning my cousin Nick in LA to see if I could come crash on his floor while I worked my way back in to school, I packed my bags and said good-bye to my family and friends in northern California, promising to pave the way so Lara could come join me soon. Lara and I wrote each other every week, each letter closed with a promise to meet up again. With each letter I wrote though, came a realization that bringing Lara to my future life would also mean bringing a past I couldn't bear any more. Guilt weighed heavy on my broken heart. She was literally my other half, and walking away from her because I was afraid of falling back in to a world of pot and beer bongs was the hardest thing I've ever done. I know she would have understood my reasons, but I didn't want to hurt her with my decision.
Slowly, with a chasm of broken promises and unspoken sorrow, we began to drift apart.

It took me a while to make friends in southern California. My cousin was away in Europe for the first month I lived here. Thankfully, I had my sister Kellie, who I idolized growing up. She had come down a few years before me, staying with Nick just as I had. Kellie lived with her boyfriend, Guy, at the time so I spent a lot of time hanging out with them and with my new friend Erin. My parents, who were mad that I packed up and moved away, actually called my cousin Nick while he was in Europe and told him I was having parties and taking his Mercedes out cruising. I didn't understand why they made up those lies, but my life was far from what they described and their accusations drove a wedge between us that just seemed to get deeper as the years have passes. Kellie helped get me a job as a waitress at The Bakery Cafe, where she also worked. I struggled with the new job at first, as it required me to open up to people. There was this crowd of kids about my age who came in twice a week after some meeting. They all drank coffee and chatted a few hours. After a month of waiting on the only people close to my age, I was frustrated that they had never asked me if I wanted to go do something and at last, I worked up the courage to tell them so. One of the guys innocently asked if I had gone out and done anything fun yet. All of that lonely frustration was unleashed on this poor unsuspecting guy. I went off on a tangent about how they were the only ones my age and that they had never once introduced themselves or asked me to go hang out with them.  They apologized and offered to take me out on Friday night for a motorcycle ride to the beach.  I was excited and my sister was pissed.  First for going out with people I barely knew and for riding on the back of a motorcycle that liked to go fast. Kellie made her boyfriend Guy come by the restaurant in his police uniform to make sure the group knew I needed to be brought home in one piece or he would have to shoot them before my sister did. That night was so exhilarating and it made me feel so alive. Alive like I hadn't felt in about 6 months.

Finally, I had some friends who I could hang out with and not worry about peer pressure working it's way in to disrupt my life with gin and tonic promises. These new friends went to meetings 2-3 times a week to share and support each other in their sobriety, which worked out perfectly for me.

Life was really starting to turn around. Spending time with Kellie and Erin was goods. I was on the right track going to school, working at night, working as a hair model in a few shows for free haircuts and styles, and then being a nanny to my boss’s kids while she was at work. The more I got involved in work and school, the freer I became. Still... There was this guilt that bore a hole in my heart.  My letters to and from Lara came less frequently.  I met Cesar as I was coming off a pretty intense relationship with a guy named Darryn.   I loved Darryn but our love wasn't meant to be.  Cesar was what some might call my rebound guy. He spoke no English, so I decided to learn Spanish.  Being young and foolish, we got married after dating for about 8 months in a little chapel in Las Vegas.  Needless to say, I got pregnant just as quickly.  I learned almost immediately after finding out I was pregnant that Cesar had problems dealing with stress and anger.  If our baby, who we named Lauren after my best friend Lara, would cry when he was trying to sleep, he would punch me in the back knocking the wind right out of me.  He was abusive and controlling, insisting that all of the can goods had the labels facing forward, his shoe laces were washed and ironed weekly, and everything was in perfect order... all of the time.  I didn't know this side of Cesar before we married and I was too proud to admit to my family that I had made a mistake and that I needed help getting away from him.  I knew I needed to get out of the hell I was living, but I had to plan my escape so I could take Lauren with me. Not a week would pass by without Cesar telling me that if I made him mad, he would take Lauren across the border and in to Tijuana and I would never see her again.  For an entire year, I walked on eggshells so as not to set him off. I took beating after beating, bearing them alone because I was too ashamed to tell anyone, even though secretly I wished someone would come save us.  There were countless nights when I went to bed and wondered if that would be the night he took my life.

Sometimes the only reason I kept on fighting was because I couldn't stand the thought of Lauren not being raised by me.  A pivotal moment came when Lauren at the age of two witnessed her dad pin me to the ground and try to strangle me.  She jumped on her fathers back and tried pulling him off me with all her might, the whole time yelling to him "no poppy no!”  He pushed Lauren off his back and unwrapped his hands from my throat.   Lauren, at the age of two, became my hero.  That night I vowed to do everything within my power to get us away from him.  I worked two jobs and skimped where ever possible.  If I wanted to make a personal call to my sister, I had to do it from work or from a pay phone because I wasn't "allowed" to answer our phone at home. We had basically become roommates, sleeping in separate rooms but playing by his rules, and his rules alone. Two weeks before I would have had enough money to move out and file for a divorce he came home in a really bad mood and instigated a fight and once again changed the course I was traveling. That night he chased me through out apartment complex, dragging me by my hair.  One of our neighbors called out her window asking if I wanted them to call the police.  I screamed yes just as I was diving away from one of his famous round kicks which missed my hip but landed solid on my right thigh. The police finally came and took Cesar away to jail.  I called my sister Kellie at 3:00 in the morning hysterical as I tried to explain everything that had happened over the past coupe years leading up to Cesar's arrest for spousal abuse. I wanted so badly to have Lara there with me. With her I was always strong, independent and confident. Cesar had broken me down both physically and emotionally. He left me feeling powerless, small, ugly, fat, undeserving of love, and anybody but who I really was.  My family rallied around me and I found the strength to change the direction of my life forever.  Over time, I found the strength and confidence I had as a teenager, but in tenfold.  I learned to forgive Cesar, because I knew I would never heal if I didn't.  I married an amazing man who could kick Cesar's ass in a heartbeat and never had to fear him again :-)

No.  I don't have a ton of friends outside of work, but it is because my best friends are my family.  My sister, my daughters, and my husband.  I'm going to find Lara again one day and when I do, I feel like our connection will still be there, just like when we were growing up.

Enough for now... more later.