Pressing Forward

Last week I had a couple days that were a little overwhelming for me. (Pretty much for everyone really) But for me personally it was like my head just told my heart that this is real. I know it is true. I mean, I'm not in denial, but there are days when it really sinks in that I won't be able to hold you in my arms anytime soon and that I can only hold you in my heart and my memories. There are times when my grief is so strong  that I have to get on my knees and ask the Lord to carry that burden for me for a while. And you know what? He always does. He always grants me peace so I can recover my strength.

I still struggle with dreaming and I wish I could see you more. Last week I had a another strange dream. In this dream I was having a team meeting and for some reason, we were all given a task of describing our homes. People on my team were talking about traditional, modern, Spanish, and craftsman style homes and when it was my turn to describe my home all I could say is "My home is just walls that hold the love inside. My home has been visited by angels. My home is peaceful, but can also be so sad and lonely sometimes." In my dream I started crying because my heart was missing you and all the ways you helped fill our home with love, laughter, and joy. I felt sadness like I haven't felt in some time. My boss and friend, Gail, decided she would drive me home. She was there for me and she knew I just needed someone to be with, even if it was just in silence. Right before we left I decided I should run back inside and go to the bathroom. (Funny how pee keeps playing a role in my dreams. Perhaps I should stop drinking water before bed!) As I was going back up the steps there was an elderly Hispanic woman starting to go down them. Her daughter and granddaughter were with her, but both kept walking while she struggled with each step. So I reached out my hands to her to help her down. She looked at me with deeply sad eyes. I knew that loss. I've felt that sadness. With both of her hands in mine, she slowly made her way down two steps. Her granddaughter appeared behind me and told her in Spanish to hurry up. The old woman looked backward towards a past she wasn't ready to leave behind and then forward, towards a future that wasn't coming fast enough, then she sat down on the steps. Tired of fighting the currents of life. I sat down next to her, still holding one of her hands. I was tired too. Her granddaughter just stood there staring at us like we were both crazy. Neither of us cared though. We sat there for a minute or two gathering our strength. Then I gave her hand a squeeze and whispered in Spanish, "Shall we try again?" She squeezed my hand back and took a deep breath. Taking her other hand in mine, I slowly helped her to her feet once more.   When she reached the bottom step her granddaughter put her arm around her and with understanding in her eyes, allowed me to transfer the weight of her grandmothers burdens to her. By helping this beautiful old woman, I was able to release my own sadness and feel gratitude for all I've been given. 

What does it all mean? Sometimes it feels like people want us to move through our sorrows and leave them behind.  But to leave behind our sorrows means we would also have to leave behind the memories that brought us happiness to begin with. They don't want to see us sad or cry, but sometimes that's exactly what we need. What I need. I believe this dream was a reminder to me that it is okay to take a break from the busyness of this life. Its okay to stop and feel my heartache and release my tears. We also need to be aware that there are others out there who feel just as we do and by reaching out to them, whether it is to lift them up or just sit with them while they gather their strength, you can find peace and joy in yourself as well. 

I think I've always tried to be live a full life, but your passing has changed me in so many ways, and almost all of them for the better. I take time to slow down and listen to life. The hummingbird that makes its soft noise before it steals nectar from our plants, the swishing sound the trees make as a breeze blows gently through its branches, each word of a song meant for me to hear in the moment I need it most, and the whispers of the still small voice that reminds me you are near. I purposely look for moments of happiness to fill my world instead of dwelling on the whole you've left behind. Our house may be empty of your physical being, but your spirit stills dwells within each of us and within our home. I am never alone. I know there will be times when each step will take all of my strength and I may need to lean on others at times, but I promise if YOU keep reaching down to help me up, I will not give up. I will find the strength within myself to keep pressing forward through this journey and will look for ways to lighten or share someone elses burdens for awhile. 

Connections

Well love, it's been a couple weeks since I've written for you. I can't begin to express how much I miss you. How I wish I could turn back time and take away the hurt you felt that day so our world could be happy again. Dad and I drove to Utah last weekend to visit with the Melton's because Jeff's health has been deteriorating. Jeff was able to stay up for nearly three hours to visit with us and he even sang us a special song that he wrote for you as if it was coming from me. 

Jeff wanted to know if there was a message he could give to you. Your dad and i took turns sharing our thoughts with him. I gave Jeff the biggest hug I want him to give to you. It was long, full of love, and both of us were crying. I told him to tell you I love you and I miss you and I'm sorry if I didn't hear something you were trying to tell me. I asked him to give Aliah a hug from her mom, Camille, and her sister, Lauren too and to give a kiss to baby J'Lynn for Alicia and her grandma, your Aunt Kim. Of course we stayed with the Judd's while we were in Utah. It is evident that everyone thinks of you often. Nathan, Mandy, and I were having a conversation and by the end we were all tearing up a bit. Sometimes I have to really fight to hold back my tears and it is comforting when I'm with someone who is okay if a few teardrops fall. Most of the time I save my tears for my car rides to and from work though. It's like my safe zone. I have to tell you though, the makers of my "waterproof" eyeliner failed to consider the strength of a grieving mothers tears! 

Camille and I have become friends and Facebook pen pals, bonded by similar circumstances. Her daughter Aliah left them at the age of fourteen, a little over a year ago. I know neither of you thought your actions through and never intended for your actions to be this final. I'm so sorry for the hurt and helplessness that you felt in that very moment that led you to such a desperate action. I get this feeling that you and Aliah have come together, just as we have been connected with her family. We are all bonded to each other now. We are family.  It's nice to be able to share my feelings with someone who understands the loss I feel. The way the memories of that dreadful day can try and steal away the beautiful memories of a lifetime. Aliah's sister Lauren was so brave. One day she took a moment to reach out to me to share their story and from that very moment, I felt like you and Aliah were helping our paths intertwine. Lauren even reached out to your sister, Lauren and they were able to share things with each other that others might not understand. One day I went to the cemetery to sit with you and there were two birds that kept flying over my head. With each fly over they would let out a scream. I really felt like that was you and Aliah telling me you had found one another. I laughed out loud and said, "Are you trying to tell me you found each other?" and those darn birds came and screamed at me again. That really made me smile, because it almost sounded like one of those crazy noises you would make when you were being silly. Then Aliah's mom, Camille experienced a dream where she saw you two together. Camille just joined Facebook and she and I have become so close through just a few messages. I feel like I can tell her anything and we are able to lift each other up on those difficult days.

I know the Lord knows that we will have difficult days ahead, to say the very least, and he has placed people in our lives with your help who will support us in those times, just as we will be here to support them when they need someone to help carry them through. Amanda - your friends have become our family. There are days when our house seems so quiet without you here and one or two of them will randomly show up to do homework or just hang out. They fill our home with your memories and laughter. I know that they come here when they are feeling down to be comforted by your sweet spirit that remains, but I don't know if they realize how much we are comforted by their presence too. 

We continue to spread your Choose the Right message through your pledge wall. Together, with the help of your friends, we have distributed almost 3000 wristbands. One of your friends was wearing your wristband on the bus and a man asked her what CTR meant. She explained it to him and he immediately went on to Facebook to learn more about it. As she explained it so eloquently, "It's like a trickle effect. One person wears a wristband and shares the message with someone else. That person is so moved that they vow to take the pledge as well. That means another life can be saved and everyone wearing a wristband is connected by your message and the pledge to live wisely and always choose the right. You are changing lives every day, even from beyond the veil. Thank you for helping us make these connections my love. I know that you and Aliah are watching over us. I am so very proud to be your mom. I love you stinkerbell. 

- mama panda's mama

Dreams

It funny how the mind protects people in their most fragile states, turning off pieces of memories for a time. Perhaps it is so our minds can simply rest from all of the 'what if's' allowing time to heal. We've talked about that as a family... it seems we've all stopped dreaming since Amanda's passing. Or at least, none of us can recall our dreams. But I think that is the Lords way of saying, "Be gentle and patient. She has work to do here. When she is ready AND when YOU are ready, she will come to you. Rest now. Be still and know that I am with her and I am here for you."

I had one night when I was starting to fall asleep when I could almost feel her cuddled in my arms and smell the sweetness of her clean wet hair. I breathed her in as if she was truly there. I could feel our breaths move together, one breath in for each breath out. I know it was just me, but in that state of near sleep, it felt so real to me and I just treasured that moment. It hurts sometimes because I want to see Amanda so desperately and I feel like all of my memories come from pictures around my house. I don't want to remember her through snapshots, I want to know and feel her in each moment. 

I've missed dreaming. Sometimes her friends write about how Amanda came to them in a dream and it makes me smile because it's like she is going to the people who needed it the most. She is handling the most fragile first. I feel like she has never left us, at least in spirit, but still... I want her to come to me too. 

Last night I slept without any dream recollection, then woke up for a bit and fell back asleep. In my second round of sleep early this morning, I got my wish. A dream with Amanda in it... at last :)

It started off a little strange and irritating. I remember there was an odor coming from the side of our house that smelled a little like dog pee. When I went to the side of the house, I found a doorway that led to a very long hallway that was connected to our house. Down that hallway were little pee puddles and near the end of that long hall was Spike, Amanda's chihuahua, lifting his leg on the wall, leaving a trail that led me straight to a room. When I opened the door to the room, Spike ran inside. Inside the room was a bed like Amanda's and a big white fluffy down comforter just like she had. I was looking around the room and then looked at the bed when I saw the comforter move. Amanda was under the covers. She looked out at me and smiled and said "Hi mama". I looked down at her and said "Hi sweetie. I've missed you. What are you doing in this room?" She climbed out from under the fluffy comforter and said, "I'm helping some other kids cross to the other side. See... here comes one now." Then a little child appeared and she went to the wall, which appeared very thin, like a white sheet, and she led the child through the wall saying "It's okay... go to Him." Then she climbed back under the comforter and pulled it up to her chin and said, "I love you mama." I said "I love you too baby", then I walked out of the room to find a Swiffer to clean up the pee puddles leaving Amanda to do her job.

Figures... I would finally have a dream with Amanda in it and all I can think about is cleaning up the pee puddles! I thought about that dream a lot today though and found great peace in it. It assured me that she is okay. She still loves and knows us and that she is doing her job to help others cross the veil to be with their Heavenly Father. It tells me that the veil is thin and she is still very close to us... as close as crossing over a hallway to another room. It also reminded me that Spike thinks he owns that little girl, but sometimes his possessiveness can come in handy. I know I won't be blessed with dreams every day, but I will learn to cherish each one I am given, just as I've learned to find the beauty in this loss of ours. It may be a while before I see Amanda again in the spirit world, until then, I will keep her in my dreams.

What do YOU want?

No one wants to think about getting sick or making end of life decisions for themselves or someone they love, but getting sick happens and death will eventually happen too. Questions about how you want to live your life, what kind of care you would like to receive, and the extent of what measures are to be taken on your behalf should be addressed while you are healthy and alert, not in a moment of desperation or left to family to determine what YOU would want. 

I have always been a strong believer that we should be the ones in control of our health care. Years ago, when I worked on the Health Plan side of KP, I would go present at health fairs and employer events. I would talk to employees about why they should choose Kaiser Permanente and how to navigate this big system of ours. I would always tell them that if they have a bad experience, they need to let us know about it by contacting member services. If they don't feel like they connect with the provider they were assigned, they can ask to switch to someone else. This is THEIR health plan and they must have a voice in the care they receive. I've also wondered why we haven't made Advance Directives part of our enrollment packet. Some may argue that it sets a tone of "you might die with us", but I think it can be approached it a way that says, "We want YOU to help us make these very important decisions. Tells us how you want us to care for you." 

When my late grandmother was in her 80's, she and I became pen pals. Writing letters back and forth became a weekly thing. As her health slowly deteriorated, her letters included words to me about how she wanted the end of her life to be handled. She did not want drastic measures taken on her behalf. She was quite clear that she did not want to be put on life support or have her life prolonged if the quality of life was poor. She had already arranged for a plot next to my cousin where she wanted her cremated ashes to be buried and reminded me of that in almost every letter. My grandmother lived until she was almost 98 years old. She had a high quality life and wanted to leave this world with grace and dignity. When my aunt wanted to hold on to her even longer by requesting extreme efforts by her medical team, I was able to provide the advance directive that my grandmother had given me and my nana's wishes were respected and upheld. Those letters and that advance directive gave me and my sisters the peace of mind we needed to make the right decisions for my grandmother in a time when the heart begs you to do something completely different. 

When our daughter Amanda was 12 years old she was very ill and spent six months of her 7th grade year in and out of the hospital. One day I came home from work and her older sister came to me in a panic because Amanda had written a will. My heart skipped a beat to think my 12 year old daughter thought she was going to die. I went to talk to her about it and she looked at me with surprise and laughed and said, "Mom... don't you know that you are supposed to write your will when you are healthy? The people on TV said it's called a Living Will and you should have one so people know what to do with you and your stuff." With a deep sigh, I realized my daughter, who had become a tv infomercial addict during her illness, had the clarity and insight that most adults don't think to have. She understood the concept of "letting people know your wishes". 

When she passed away away at the age of 16, her sisters and I reread every word she had written. Her clothes were to go to her friends - if we could find someone who could fit in to her 00 pants - she added with a smiley face. She wanted her dog to go to her sister Breanna (who politely said we could keep him). Her make-up and nail polish collection to her sister Lauren Her music to her cousins. In a final note to her dad and I our then 12 year old daughter wrote "Dear mom and dad... Enjoy the memories and my stuffed bunny". This took a huge weight off my shoulders, because I knew what my daughter would want us to do. We called over a couple of her 'tiny' friends and had them do their back to school shopping in Amanda's closet. Amanda, being an extreme fashionista, had an amazing wardrobe and she was able to bless her friends who weren't financially able to go back to school shopping on their own. I was able to release her belongings with the assurance that I have truly been left with the most beautiful memories and that those are more important than any material goods. 

Amanda also taught me another lesson about the importance of making your wishes known. At sixteen years old with one month left to go before she could get her drivers license, Amanda went with her dad to DMV so her older sister, Breanna, took her drivers test. Amanda saw Breanna filling out an Organ Donor card and asked what that meant. Breanna and her dad explained that it means when you die, you are offering to give some of your organs to others so they can live or improve the quality of their life. Amanda, without any hesitation, asked if she could sign up. Once again, she made her wishes clear. So, after learning of her death our family was able to act without hesitation. We knew what she would want. 

I realize that Advanced Directives are not the same as writing a will or becoming an organ donor, but the concept is the same. It is about making your wishes clear and letting others know what YOU want to happen to YOU. I believe, it is one of the kindest things you can do for your loved ones because you take away the guilt of having to make those tough decisions. It provides peace of mind for those who may be left to act on your behalf because they know you and what you want. So I leave you with this thought... Are you prepared? Have you made your wishes known? What do YOU want?