Pressing Forward

Last week I had a couple days that were a little overwhelming for me. (Pretty much for everyone really) But for me personally it was like my head just told my heart that this is real. I know it is true. I mean, I'm not in denial, but there are days when it really sinks in that I won't be able to hold you in my arms anytime soon and that I can only hold you in my heart and my memories. There are times when my grief is so strong  that I have to get on my knees and ask the Lord to carry that burden for me for a while. And you know what? He always does. He always grants me peace so I can recover my strength.

I still struggle with dreaming and I wish I could see you more. Last week I had a another strange dream. In this dream I was having a team meeting and for some reason, we were all given a task of describing our homes. People on my team were talking about traditional, modern, Spanish, and craftsman style homes and when it was my turn to describe my home all I could say is "My home is just walls that hold the love inside. My home has been visited by angels. My home is peaceful, but can also be so sad and lonely sometimes." In my dream I started crying because my heart was missing you and all the ways you helped fill our home with love, laughter, and joy. I felt sadness like I haven't felt in some time. My boss and friend, Gail, decided she would drive me home. She was there for me and she knew I just needed someone to be with, even if it was just in silence. Right before we left I decided I should run back inside and go to the bathroom. (Funny how pee keeps playing a role in my dreams. Perhaps I should stop drinking water before bed!) As I was going back up the steps there was an elderly Hispanic woman starting to go down them. Her daughter and granddaughter were with her, but both kept walking while she struggled with each step. So I reached out my hands to her to help her down. She looked at me with deeply sad eyes. I knew that loss. I've felt that sadness. With both of her hands in mine, she slowly made her way down two steps. Her granddaughter appeared behind me and told her in Spanish to hurry up. The old woman looked backward towards a past she wasn't ready to leave behind and then forward, towards a future that wasn't coming fast enough, then she sat down on the steps. Tired of fighting the currents of life. I sat down next to her, still holding one of her hands. I was tired too. Her granddaughter just stood there staring at us like we were both crazy. Neither of us cared though. We sat there for a minute or two gathering our strength. Then I gave her hand a squeeze and whispered in Spanish, "Shall we try again?" She squeezed my hand back and took a deep breath. Taking her other hand in mine, I slowly helped her to her feet once more.   When she reached the bottom step her granddaughter put her arm around her and with understanding in her eyes, allowed me to transfer the weight of her grandmothers burdens to her. By helping this beautiful old woman, I was able to release my own sadness and feel gratitude for all I've been given. 

What does it all mean? Sometimes it feels like people want us to move through our sorrows and leave them behind.  But to leave behind our sorrows means we would also have to leave behind the memories that brought us happiness to begin with. They don't want to see us sad or cry, but sometimes that's exactly what we need. What I need. I believe this dream was a reminder to me that it is okay to take a break from the busyness of this life. Its okay to stop and feel my heartache and release my tears. We also need to be aware that there are others out there who feel just as we do and by reaching out to them, whether it is to lift them up or just sit with them while they gather their strength, you can find peace and joy in yourself as well. 

I think I've always tried to be live a full life, but your passing has changed me in so many ways, and almost all of them for the better. I take time to slow down and listen to life. The hummingbird that makes its soft noise before it steals nectar from our plants, the swishing sound the trees make as a breeze blows gently through its branches, each word of a song meant for me to hear in the moment I need it most, and the whispers of the still small voice that reminds me you are near. I purposely look for moments of happiness to fill my world instead of dwelling on the whole you've left behind. Our house may be empty of your physical being, but your spirit stills dwells within each of us and within our home. I am never alone. I know there will be times when each step will take all of my strength and I may need to lean on others at times, but I promise if YOU keep reaching down to help me up, I will not give up. I will find the strength within myself to keep pressing forward through this journey and will look for ways to lighten or share someone elses burdens for awhile.