Six Months...

It's hard to believe I have made it through 6 months without holding your little skinny body. Or having you purposely grind your bony butt in my lap after I scratched your back for a while. It's strange not smelling nail polish and nail polish remover every single day as I pass by your old room or the kitchen counter. Lauren just bought 25 new nail polish colors so I think she going to try and bring that Mandy smell back :) it's weird getting ready in the morning and not fighting over rug and mirror space with you. Lauren tries to hog the space, but eventually her nice side kicks in and she scoots over. I swear I can still hear your heavy footsteps pounding the floor of the hall. How could someone so tiny sound like freaking Bigfoot? 

If you were physically here with us I think you would like helping with your Amanda Panda Choose The Right foundation. It gets pretty tiring cutting pledge cards and wrapping wristbands, but it is also very rewarding. You would know just the right things to say to kids who leave us messages about how they are struggling. When I respond to them I never really feel like its me responding, but your voice through me. So thank you for staying with me and helping me out. 

I have to be honest and say when I had my surgery last month I was a little disappointed that nothing went wrong. If I could have just left this world for one short moment so I could see your face again and hold you in my arms, if even for a minute, it would have been all I needed. But no... I had an amazing surgeon and everything went perfectly well!

Shopping hasn't been any fun for me since you left us. I miss playing phone tag in the mall with you and your friends and hearing you tell them to stay close to me or I would be out of your sight within seconds making you try and find me by calling my phone to hear my ringtone. Now i just wander around aimlessly for a while and usually leave without buying a thing.  All I see and think is "that would look good on Amanda" and I want to buy it for you as a surprise because you loved surprises and they always made you smile and you would reward me with a big hug. 

Wow... Writing the word hug just made my eyes start to pour. I can't begin to tell you how much I miss our daily hugs. How you and Lauren would make a sandwich out of me in a hug and you would finish by grabbing my butt and Lauren would grab my chechees. I miss those silly poems you and Breanna would write back and forth and how you would spam her with a 100 text messages in one hour just because you were bored. I miss seeing the three of you hanging out in the kitchen or having girl talks in one of your rooms. I miss hearing your dad say " I bet I know what will make her smile!" when you were having a bad day and it didn't matter how grumpy you were, you would always grin from ear to ear when he pulled out his wallet and gave you a twenty. You were so stubborn too. Remember when your dad said something like "Amanda don't be stupid" so you didn't talk to him for two whole weeks until he apologized (and gave you a twenty).

I'm so glad you liked taking pictures of yourself because we have so many beautiful photos to look at now. My favorites are when your friends share some random picture or video we haven't seen before. Especially if you are talking  in it because I miss the sound of your voice so much. Nothing replaces the most beautiful image of you live and in person though. That's the one I really need. Sometimes I just close my eyes and picture you coming to lay on me or next to me to cuddle. I can feel the weight of your little body and the heat from your skin as you sink in next to me. I lay there and smell the scent from your freshly washed hair. It's wet against my skin, but I just gently move it to the side a little. Those are the memories I want to remember. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the memories of your angel day and my mind wants to replay every moment, every phone call, every hug, tear shed, and every last image. Then I try and drown out those thoughts with a sweet smile of yours instead or I have a good cry in my car or my office with my door closed, or at home in the bathtub/shower where the tears can run into the water. I just let it out and then I take a deep breath (and sometimes an anxiety pill). I quiet the voices in my head and listen gently for the one voice that will bring me comfort. The Lord has been good to me Amanda. He has wrapped His loving arms around me and allowed your arms to continue to circle me too so that I can have the strength to face each day without you physically here. We always said that you were the glue that bonded us together and now you are the glue that holds us together because we all want to be the best versions of ourselves for you. We have grown closer as a family and you are to thank for that. I know you are still with us. I feel you with us all the time. When your friends hang out at the house, I think they feel you there too.

We had such a great time celebrating your 17th birthday by singing you happy birthday at the cemetery with a large group of your friends and some adorable panda bear cupcakes that we made,  then we brought them back to the house for taco night two.

We made everyone come to our house this year for Christmas. I know you were there sitting around that table with us, smiling because you had everybody here in your favorite dwelling spot, surrounded  by tons of love.  I found that when you surround yourself with people who bring you joy that its hard t feel like you should be sad. I am so grateful for all of your friends (now our friends) who take the time to remember us. Who leave me random messages and check in with me to let me know they are doing okay. I appreciate even more though the trust they place in me when their hearts and minds are fragile and they reach out to me because they just need someone to listen and encourage them to keep going. Some of your friends come over just for hugs! I love that!

Your dads been talking about moving to a newer home that wouldn't require as much upkeep. I'm not a fan of the idea because we have so many memories of you growing up here, but I know we can take those memories with us where ever we go and that your spirit will come with us too if we ever make the move. Alyssa cried when she heard he wanted to move. I promised that we would stay here until they graduate from school so she and Ashten can keep coming over during the week to hang out. Alyssa keeps eating all the empanadas so its kind of like you are still here! 

While I don't think any of us will ever get over the sad days, we will get through them. I know we will because you will always be there to help us my little hummingbird (that hummingbird reference will have to be a whole blog post of its own! Your dad thinks I'm the crazy bird lady, but I don't care because it brings me joy) 

Well Stinkerbell... Give Walnut, Nana, Robin, grandpa Jack & George,grandma Helen, grandma Lola, my friend Robbie, Aliah, and baby J'Lynn a hug for me. I will always love you with all my heart. I know 6 months is nothing compared to the years we have left until we are no longer separated, but I'm going to try and just take one breath and one day at a time until I see you again. Thank you for the strength you give us to carry on. I love you baby girl. Forever and ever, to the moon and back, billions and billions Carl Sagan Gee Paw. 

Love mama

How Social Media Helped Heal Community

Social Media is an interesting phenomena. Some people use social media to share what they had for breakfast or what they are listening to while others post vacation photos or clever sayings. Some postings are song lyrics with no explanation that leave you wondering if it was just a song that person liked or if there is something you need to be concerned about. Social media is also a place to learn and share articles, viewpoints, and perspectives with others across vast geographical locations who have common interests. Some people use social media to rant about political opinions and some people do not post anything at all. Choosing to quietly observe (cyber-stalk you might say) the lives of friends and acquaintances. Until recently, my personal interest in Facebook had become more of an observer than a contributor and I found myself on Twitter to learn, grow, and communicate with people in the health care industry. I have a few friends on Twitter where more personal exchanges would occur, but I typically used Twitter on a professional level.  In July, when my daughter passed away, my impressions and ideas on how and who used social media were completely flipped. 

I recall quite vividly standing in my backyard with my family, huddled a few yards away from all the friends and family who came as soon as they heard of Amanda's passing. We were waiting for the coroner to arrive and praying that she would let us see our daughter before taking her body away. My husband, in a protective fatherly panic said "We need to shut down Amanda's Facebook wall." I knew his concern was that people were going to talk about how she died, instead of how she lived.  No one wants to hear, see, or talk about death by suicide, especially the family of the victim.  In that moment I was filled with complete confidence and assurance that her wall needed to stay up. Looking at him and then my two older daughters, I said "I understand where you are coming from, but I am going to have to disagree with you. Her friends are going to need a place to express their feelings, pour out their pains, and share their memories. I think this can be a place for them to heal each other." I asked our girls what their thoughts were and they were in agreement. The wall should stay up. 

Within 24 hours a twitter friend of mine started a prayer chain with others on Facebook and love came pouring in. Over the days that followed, we watched as Amanda's friends and even strangers expressed how Amanda impacted their lives. They shared loss and memories through stories and pictures. If one friend posted a comment that was concerning, ten teens responded with "call/text me now" or words of encouragement. I, personally, took to another form of social media, blogging, to express my emotions. We even stumbled upon a "Choose the Right" (CTR) blogpost that Amanda had written the year prior which became the inspiration for her memorial service that was attended by nearly 1000 people. We wondered if the those attending her service would take her message to heart. that answer was answered almost immediately after her service, when Amanda's Facebook wall was flooded with posts by kids promising to choose the right. Teens vowing to stop cutting themselves, try harder in school, or just be kinder to people. Others sending private messages confessing their attempts at suicide and promising they would never try it again. I have learned over the past several months which messages I should reply to and which ones are meant to be a private message to Amanda. Some messages led to phone calls or long nights of texting back and forth between myself and someone who was on the edge of making a permanent decision. We used Amanda's Facebook wall to share information on depression recognition, self harm and suicide prevention sessions sponsored by the YMCA and a wonderful group called Five Acres. After a couple weeks of messages, wall posts, and other comments our family realized that our youth, teens, and young adults are fragile souls that need help, guidance, and to know they are loved. So we started the process of forming a non profit foundation to keep Amanda's CTR message alive. A Facebook "Amanda Panda's Choose The Right" page was created where people could take the pledge to choose the right by liking the pledge wall. Those that leave their address behind are mailed a free CTR wristband to remind them of their pledge.

In our family community of Monrovia, California, over 2200 people have officially liked the Facebook pledge wall and, with the help of Amanda's friends and other community members, we have given out over 5500 wristbands that have reached from our city all the way to New Zealand and England. Our nonprofit status has been finalized and our website is up. Recently we challenged ourselves to get 2000 page likes by Amanda's 17th birthday. To help with that effort, our local online newspaper "The Monrovia Patch" helped us share our message generating about 40 page likes within the first couple hours after publishing.  Forty may seem like a small number, but every time someone likes our page on Facebook, it shares it in their personal feed for their friends to see, sharing our message with anyone that follows them. 

Through social media, we have been able to connect with other groups with similar interests, banding together to help keep our youth and loved ones ALIVE. I don't know what we would have done had this occurred in a time where technology was not available to allow these opportunities to share, communicate, and heal each other. 

Live wisely and Always Choose the Right!