Spiritual Self Reliance

Last week my husband and I were asked to give a talk in church on spiritual self reliance, so I thought I'd share my talk with you too. 

The topic sounded like a contradiction in itself. I've always felt I like spiritual self reliance isn't about becoming independent of god, but becoming completely dependent on him. Our Heavenly Father is there and a relationship with him is essential to building spiritual strength. Yes, he wants us to be independent in our temporal needs, but he has shown us over and over again, through scripture and revelation that he has not sent us here to walk this world alone.

In the end we can't be spiritually self-reliant because we're completely dependent on God. Stop trying to be self-reliant in that area; say "Uncle". Think of the hymns: "I Need Thee Every Hour" and the line from "Guide Us O Thou Great Jehovah" that says "we are weak but thou art able..." He gives us tools, but we need to create a quiet place/ time in our lives so that we can tune in. Nobody else can get you to Heaven...you have to have your own testimony.

The blessings of temporal self-reliance become obvious in times of crises, but spiritual self-reliance is equally crucial in difficult times. Those with firm spiritual foundations are blessed with peace, reassurance, and greater faith when calling on Heavenly Father for help.

When our sweet Amanda passed away the weight of our loss was so heavy that I did the only thing I knew would help me through. I prayed.

I asked The Lord to carry my heartache until I was strong enough to carry it on my own. To lend me His strength so I could be there for our family and all of Amanda's friends.

Before her physical body left our home, her father gave her a priesthood blessing. The police officers who responded to our home stood amongst us, heads reverently bowed, tears in their eyes, leaning on the strength of OUR faith.

When our home was filled that evening with about fifty of Amanda's family and friends, I knew the one blessing that we could share with them was the assurance that Heavenly Father would not leave them alone in their sorrow, so we gathered everyone together and offered up a prayer of comfort for them.

When I spoke to the representatives at One Legacy about organ donation, I knew without question that it was what she and Heavenly Father would want us to do. But when I was asked about donating her arm and leg bones I had to run outside and ask my husband "you're sure about us being restored to our most perfect form right? Cause if not Amanda's going to be really mad!" A year later I went through the temple to help amanda receive her endowments. During the washing and anointing part when the blessing says "you will walk and not be weary, run and not be faint" I heard amanda say, "See mom, I'm fine!" And I cried like a baby in relief. I already knew the answer to that question, but The Lord sent his reassurance anyway.

During Amanda's viewing and memorial service I felt like I, as well as my family, had arms wrapped around us. I never once thought to myself, "I can handle this on my own." Instead I gave myself up completely to The Lord and allowed him to help guide me through.  

When brother Mike Miller spoke at her service about the plan of salvation, I felt like The Lord was speaking directly to me, through him. Reminding me that Jesus was standing by Amanda's side pleading her case to our father in heaven. When one of her sisters questioned how god could take her Sister away, I held her tight and said "He is just as sad as we are. But he wants you to know that even though this was not his doing, he sent angels into our home to carry her spirit to him" The adversary wants us to believe this was gods doing so we will turn away from our one true savior. He knows the only way for us to see the blessings we received in the temple when our family was sealed together come to fruition is if we don't let our faith be shaken. Satan preyed on Amanda's moment of desperation, but he doesn't realize he lost because we have all just grown closer to god.

When a lady at the nail salon asked me in all sincerity if Mormons believed that suicide was a sin and that our daughter would go to hell. I looked her straight in the eyes and told her that the beauty of Heavenly Father is that he loves and forgives us all. That I can move forward each day because I know with every bit of my heart, mind, and soul that she is with Him.

When we were inspired to start the Amanda Panda CTR foundation to share the message to choose the right, I got on my knees to ask The Lord what he wanted me to do and how I, personally, should share this valuable message. I listened for his promptings and then followed them without question. When I have someone reach out to me  on our Facebook pledge page in a moment of despair, I always stop and ask Heavenly Father how I should respond, and if it's a teenager in need, I ask amanda to help me phrase what The Lord wants me to say in a way that will connect with someone her age.  I talk to them or text them until I am comfortable that they are okay. At the end of those moments, when I can finally let out a sigh of relief, I give thanks and say "WE did it. We saved another life today." I don't say "I" or "You" but we, because it is my reliance on Heavenly Father that I may hear and receive his message and my willingness to set aside my own thoughts to relay what he knows his special child needs to hear. This to me is spiritual self reliance.

I've shared this dream with some, but I'd like to share it with you again. This dream happened about a month after Amanda passed away. This dream was significant because I had stopped having dreams with amanda in them, just as had everyone else in our family. So when this dream occurred it was a reassurance of things I felt I knew, but spoken to me in a way I could understand them. I remember there was a faint odor coming from the side of our house. When I went to the side of the house, I found a doorway that led to a very long hallway that was connected to our house. Down that hallway were little pee puddles and near the end of that long hall was Spike, Amanda's chihuahua, lifting his leg on the wall, leaving a trail that led me straight to a room. Spike was looking at me like "can I make this anymore obvious... Follow me" When I opened the door to the room, Spike ran happily inside.  Inside the room was a bed like Amanda's and a big white fluffy down comforter just like she had. I was looking around the room and then looked at the bed when I saw the comforter move. Amanda was under the covers. She looked out at me and smiled and said "Hi mama". I looked down at her and said "Hi sweetie. I've missed you. What are you doing in this room?" She climbed out from under the fluffy comforter and said, "I'm helping some other kids cross to the other side. See... here comes one now." Then a little child appeared and she went to the wall, which appeared very thin, and she led the child through the wall saying "It's okay... go to Him." Then she climbed back under the comforter and pulled it up to her chin and said, "I love you mama." I said "I love you too baby", then I walked out of the room to find a Swiffer to clean up the pee puddles leaving Amanda to do her job.

Figures... I would finally have a dream with Amanda in it and all I can think about is cleaning up the pee puddles! I thought about that dream a lot though and find great peace in it. It assured me that she is okay. She still loves and knows us and that she is doing Heavenly Father's work.  It tells me that the veil is thin and she is still very close to us... as close as crossing over a hallway to another room. It also reminded me that following Spike was like following the spirit. if you are willing to listen and follow the spirit's promptings, good things will await you and you will be guided to the path that brings you to Him and those you love.

On another night, more recently, Amanda was on my mind a lot and I couldn't sleep, so I laid in bed reading. I heard her dog, Spike, start to whimper in his sleep and I wondered if he was having a bad dream. Then my mind raced to a thought that maybe he missed Amanda. Then I thought "what if he doesn't remember her?" And my tears started to fall like a faucet that had been left on. "Does she miss US? Does she miss me?" It was a moment of sad desperation. A mother needing to know that her daughter loved her and missed her. It's weird because I usually feel so secure in this knowledge, but this night, I needed a sign. I needed to know with all my heart that my Amanda loved me and missed me as much as i did her. I selfishly wanted to know that she was sad too. Not so sad that she couldn't be happy or that her heart ached from longing, but enough to miss us. So I prayed. I prayed that God would let her know how much I loved and missed her and that He would give a sign that she loved and missed me too. I prayed and I cried.

Eventually, I must have fallen asleep. I was deep in a world of comfort and much needed rest when I I was awoken by a kiss. A soft kiss planted gently on the upper left side of my lip. I moved my hand to that spot in bewilderment and confusion. When I touched that spot I felt a tiny seed of moisture right above where the sensation on my lip still lingered. A teardrop. I rubbed the moisture between my thumb and trigger finger in disbelief. Then I quickly felt my eyes to see if I was crying in my sleep. I wasn't. I sat up and studied my husbands sleeping position to see if maybe he gleeked me, but he was facing the opposite direction. As I searched desperately for a legitimate answer, I heard a tender chuckle say "mama... You asked for God and I to send you a sign. Why is it so hard to believe He would answer your prayer?" "I love you and I miss you more than you'll ever know, but I am ALWAYS with you."

So you may be thinking I'm crazy and that's okay because it's hard for me to believe too, but I am just going to try and accept it for what it was and needs to be for me. God heard my plea and answered my prayer. He allowed Amanda to give me a tender kiss and when she did, a tear drop fell from her eyes. She loves us. She misses us. And she is always with me. God hears our every prayer. The answers will come if we are patient and faithful. He will not leave us alone. He wants us to turn to him not just our moments of sorrow, but to lift up our voices in gratitude for all the subtle blessings in our life.

Having such strong spiritual connections to our Heavenly Father does not free us from the burdens and challenges of life. You may notice that I usually leave after sacrament. This new life of ours has brought with it challenges of dealing with depression and a need to experience more calmness and quiet moments with The Lord. I find myself sitting in our backyard having conversations with God as I soak in the sounds of a hummingbird stealing nectar from our flowers or feeling a gentle breeze swish through our trees. Each moment becomes a personal connection between the savior, The Lord, Amanda, and myself. I don't just wait for significant moments of beauty to remind me of this beautiful gift of life we have been given, I constantly seek out those moments. His love is all around us, it's in the laughter that fills our home from having Amanda's best friends over all the time. Itstares back at me from the eyes of Amanda's best friends little baby, Nathan. It's in the hugs and smiles my daughters share. I have a strong spiritual connection with The Lord because I WANT to have one, so I make an effort to keep him near.

Heavenly Father wants us to wrap HIS arms around ourselves, to carry his spirit with us always so our testimony can be a beacon of light to others. He wants us to be spiritually self reliant by being dependent upon him, not independent from him. I don't wish for anyone to experience the loss we have, but I do wish you could each have something that opens your heart and soul to the revelation that the relationship you have with your Heavenly Father is the most important one you will ever experience. I pray that you will find peace and strength in the knowledge that he is there to guide you through this journey back to Him.

 

The Words I Would Say

When I think of what Amanda would tell her friends to encourage them to keep living and not make the same mistake she did, this song by the Sidewalk Prophets often comes to mind. Be strong in The Lord and never give up hope. 

Live wisely and always choose the right.

Tears From Heaven

Have you ever prayed so hard for something that tears poured down your face and your heart ached from such a heavy plea? Well... I will go on record and say most days and nights I'm okay, but there are these moments when my heart is longing for Amanda and knowing I have to wait until we meet again in heaven is not enough for me. I know I can't have her back in the physical realm with us, so my prayers are never unrealistic. I usually pray that she is happy, knows how much we love and miss her, that she is able to watch over us and send us signs of her presence in our every day lives, and that she is growing and learning while building our castle in heaven. 

The other night, Amanda was on my mind a lot and I couldn't sleep, so I laid in bed reading. I heard her dog, Spike, start to whimper in his sleep and I wondered if he was having a bad dream. Then my mind raced to a thought that maybe he missed Amanda. Then I thought "what if he doesn't remember her?" And my tears started to fall like a faucet that had been left on. "Does she miss US? Does she miss me?" It was a moment of sad desperation. A mother needing to know that her daughter loved her and missed her. It's weird because I usually feel so secure in this knowledge, but this night, I needed a sign. I needed to know with all my heart that my Amanda loved me and missed me as much as i did her. I selfishly wanted to know that she was sad too. Not so sad that she couldn't be happy or that her heart ached from longing, but enough to miss us. So I prayed. I prayed that God would let her know how much I loved and missed her and that He would give a sign that she loved and missed me too. I prayed and I cried. 

Eventually, I must have fallen asleep. I was deep in a world of comfort and much needed sleep when I I was awoken by a kiss. A soft kiss planted gently on the upper left side of my lip. I moved my hand to that spot in bewilderment and confusion. When I touched that spot I felt a tiny seed of moisture right above where the sensation on my lip still lingered. A teardrop. I rubbed the moisture between my thumb and trigger finger in disbelief. Then I quickly felt my eyes to see if I was crying in my sleep. I wasn't. I sat up and studied my husbands sleeping position to see if maybe he gleeked me, but he was facing the opposite direction. As I searched desperately for a legitimate answer, I heard a tender chuckle in my mind say "mama... You asked for God and I to send you a sign. Why is it so hard to believe He would answer your prayer?" "I love you and I miss you more than you'll ever know, but I am ALWAYS with you." 

So you may be reading this thinking I'm crazy and that's okay because it's hard for me to believe too, but I am just going to try and accept it for what it was and needs to be for me. God heard my plea and answered my prayer. He allowed Amanda to give me a tender kiss and when she did, a tear drop fell from her eyes. She loves us. She misses us. And she is always with me. God hears our every prayer. The answers will come if we are patient and faithful. He will not leave us alone. For His love and the love of my sweet family, I will always be grateful and never question their depth again. 

Dear Chosen One

Dear Chosen One,

Yes. I am talking to you.

Why are you so surprised to hear you are chosen? Remember that The Lord knows each of us by name. He knows our wants, our fears, our joys, and our sorrows. He knows even when we can't find the words to lift up in prayer to Him. He is listening to your heart which speaks directly to His. You have been chosen to do great things. Things that you may consider ordinary and normal, like being kind and loving to others, are great in the eyes of The Lord. You have a light that shines so bright it is a beacon of hope to those whose worlds are dim. Do not let it burn out or dull. Feed the light through scripture reading, prayer, and doing good unto others. Walk upright as a chosen child of God should. Do not be discouraged. Do not grow weary of doing good. Life is hard and overwhelming sometimes, but you can find joy in the journey. Joy in a memory or a smile or the rain or sunshine. Look for the blessings in your life... count them one by one. There are many great things in store for you. If you find yourself struggling, I hope you will remember how special you are and that The Lord has plans for you greater than you can see.

I'd like to re-share with you a dream i had a couple months after Amanda passed away. It started off a little strange and irritating. I remember there was an odor coming from the side of our house. When I went to the side of the house, I found a doorway that led to a very long hallway that was connected to our house. Down that hallway were little pee puddles and near the end of that long hall was Spike, Amanda's chihuahua, lifting his leg on the wall, leaving a trail that led me straight to a room. When I opened the door to the room, Spike ran happily inside. Inside the room was a bed like Amanda's and a big white fluffy down comforter just like she had. I was looking around the room and then looked at the bed when I saw the comforter move. Amanda was under the covers. She looked out at me and smiled and said "Hi mama". I looked down at her and said "Hi sweetie. I've missed you. What are you doing in this room?" She climbed out from under the fluffy comforter and said, "I'm helping some other kids cross to the other side. See... here comes one now." Then a little child appeared and she went to the wall, which appeared very thin, like a white sheet, and she led the child through the wall saying "It's okay... go to Him." Then she climbed back under the comforter and pulled it up to her chin and said, "I love you mama." I said "I love you too baby", then I walked out of the room to find a Swiffer to clean up the pee puddles leaving Amanda to do her job.

Figures... I would finally have a dream with Amanda in it and all I can think about is cleaning up the pee puddles! I thought about that dream a lot though and find great peace in it. It assured me that she is okay. She still loves and knows us and that she is doing her job to help others cross the veil to be with their Heavenly Father. It tells me that the veil is thin and she is still very close to us... as close as crossing over a hallway to another room. It also reminded me that following Spike was like following the spirit. if you are willing to listen and follow the spirit's promptings, good things will await you.

One day I was sitting at church listening to the primary get up and talk about choosing the right. I swear to you Amanda's voice was screaming in my ears "I'm so sorry. I made ONE bad choice and I lost it all. I'm so sorry mom". What happened to Amanda that dreadful afternoon she left us was that in a split second a choice was made. The consequence of that choice were unintended and permanent. You are not super human. These vessels we call bodies are very fragile. You must protect them and keep them clean. You don't ever want to be that voice screaming down "I'm sorry". Remember these three simple words. Choose The Right. Carry them throughout everyday of your existence, when confronted with the pressures of of mortal life, repeat them or ask yourself "what would Jesus want me to do? " Be a friend to everyone, defend those that cannot defend themselves. Be kind. Find a way to make someone else smile. CTR.

Take the Choose the Right pledge

I pledge to...

Be kind and forgiving
Never bully or be cruel to others
Speak out for those who can’t
Share sincere compliments, hugs, and smiles
Reach out to someone when I feel lost or alone
Remember I am loved beyond measure
Think about the consequences of my actions
Make smart choices
Live wisely
Always Choose the Right

Remember that YOU are chosen. You are loved beyond measure.

Live wisely and always choose the right.

Kristen Andrews
https://www.facebook.com/AKAChooseTheRight

Green Blades of Grass

I lay here on this solid ground

In the spot you were laid to rest

Your body lies underneath me

But your soul lives in my chest

I place my hand upon the earth

Green blades run between my fingers

I try to clear my mind of thoughts

But the memory of you lingers

Flowers left beside your grave

Tell me others think of you too

We all know deep inside our hearts

This place is not where we will find you

Those places where we laughed together

Before you went away

Those are the places we will find you

Those are where your memory stays

And when we need to know you're near

A breeze will brush our cheek

Kisses from the heavens

For the words we can not speak

A hummingbird will share its joy

A star will shine brightly from above

A strangers smile will catch our eyes

And fill our hearts will love

God will send us subtle signs

To comfort us throughout our day

We must learn to find the beauty

In each gift He sends our way

Time can not separate us

Nor can this earth keep us apart

Green blades of grass between my fingers

Your life's song plays in my heart

For my daughter Amanda Kellie Andrews

Six Months...

It's hard to believe I have made it through 6 months without holding your little skinny body. Or having you purposely grind your bony butt in my lap after I scratched your back for a while. It's strange not smelling nail polish and nail polish remover every single day as I pass by your old room or the kitchen counter. Lauren just bought 25 new nail polish colors so I think she going to try and bring that Mandy smell back :) it's weird getting ready in the morning and not fighting over rug and mirror space with you. Lauren tries to hog the space, but eventually her nice side kicks in and she scoots over. I swear I can still hear your heavy footsteps pounding the floor of the hall. How could someone so tiny sound like freaking Bigfoot? 

If you were physically here with us I think you would like helping with your Amanda Panda Choose The Right foundation. It gets pretty tiring cutting pledge cards and wrapping wristbands, but it is also very rewarding. You would know just the right things to say to kids who leave us messages about how they are struggling. When I respond to them I never really feel like its me responding, but your voice through me. So thank you for staying with me and helping me out. 

I have to be honest and say when I had my surgery last month I was a little disappointed that nothing went wrong. If I could have just left this world for one short moment so I could see your face again and hold you in my arms, if even for a minute, it would have been all I needed. But no... I had an amazing surgeon and everything went perfectly well!

Shopping hasn't been any fun for me since you left us. I miss playing phone tag in the mall with you and your friends and hearing you tell them to stay close to me or I would be out of your sight within seconds making you try and find me by calling my phone to hear my ringtone. Now i just wander around aimlessly for a while and usually leave without buying a thing.  All I see and think is "that would look good on Amanda" and I want to buy it for you as a surprise because you loved surprises and they always made you smile and you would reward me with a big hug. 

Wow... Writing the word hug just made my eyes start to pour. I can't begin to tell you how much I miss our daily hugs. How you and Lauren would make a sandwich out of me in a hug and you would finish by grabbing my butt and Lauren would grab my chechees. I miss those silly poems you and Breanna would write back and forth and how you would spam her with a 100 text messages in one hour just because you were bored. I miss seeing the three of you hanging out in the kitchen or having girl talks in one of your rooms. I miss hearing your dad say " I bet I know what will make her smile!" when you were having a bad day and it didn't matter how grumpy you were, you would always grin from ear to ear when he pulled out his wallet and gave you a twenty. You were so stubborn too. Remember when your dad said something like "Amanda don't be stupid" so you didn't talk to him for two whole weeks until he apologized (and gave you a twenty).

I'm so glad you liked taking pictures of yourself because we have so many beautiful photos to look at now. My favorites are when your friends share some random picture or video we haven't seen before. Especially if you are talking  in it because I miss the sound of your voice so much. Nothing replaces the most beautiful image of you live and in person though. That's the one I really need. Sometimes I just close my eyes and picture you coming to lay on me or next to me to cuddle. I can feel the weight of your little body and the heat from your skin as you sink in next to me. I lay there and smell the scent from your freshly washed hair. It's wet against my skin, but I just gently move it to the side a little. Those are the memories I want to remember. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the memories of your angel day and my mind wants to replay every moment, every phone call, every hug, tear shed, and every last image. Then I try and drown out those thoughts with a sweet smile of yours instead or I have a good cry in my car or my office with my door closed, or at home in the bathtub/shower where the tears can run into the water. I just let it out and then I take a deep breath (and sometimes an anxiety pill). I quiet the voices in my head and listen gently for the one voice that will bring me comfort. The Lord has been good to me Amanda. He has wrapped His loving arms around me and allowed your arms to continue to circle me too so that I can have the strength to face each day without you physically here. We always said that you were the glue that bonded us together and now you are the glue that holds us together because we all want to be the best versions of ourselves for you. We have grown closer as a family and you are to thank for that. I know you are still with us. I feel you with us all the time. When your friends hang out at the house, I think they feel you there too.

We had such a great time celebrating your 17th birthday by singing you happy birthday at the cemetery with a large group of your friends and some adorable panda bear cupcakes that we made,  then we brought them back to the house for taco night two.

We made everyone come to our house this year for Christmas. I know you were there sitting around that table with us, smiling because you had everybody here in your favorite dwelling spot, surrounded  by tons of love.  I found that when you surround yourself with people who bring you joy that its hard t feel like you should be sad. I am so grateful for all of your friends (now our friends) who take the time to remember us. Who leave me random messages and check in with me to let me know they are doing okay. I appreciate even more though the trust they place in me when their hearts and minds are fragile and they reach out to me because they just need someone to listen and encourage them to keep going. Some of your friends come over just for hugs! I love that!

Your dads been talking about moving to a newer home that wouldn't require as much upkeep. I'm not a fan of the idea because we have so many memories of you growing up here, but I know we can take those memories with us where ever we go and that your spirit will come with us too if we ever make the move. Alyssa cried when she heard he wanted to move. I promised that we would stay here until they graduate from school so she and Ashten can keep coming over during the week to hang out. Alyssa keeps eating all the empanadas so its kind of like you are still here! 

While I don't think any of us will ever get over the sad days, we will get through them. I know we will because you will always be there to help us my little hummingbird (that hummingbird reference will have to be a whole blog post of its own! Your dad thinks I'm the crazy bird lady, but I don't care because it brings me joy) 

Well Stinkerbell... Give Walnut, Nana, Robin, grandpa Jack & George,grandma Helen, grandma Lola, my friend Robbie, Aliah, and baby J'Lynn a hug for me. I will always love you with all my heart. I know 6 months is nothing compared to the years we have left until we are no longer separated, but I'm going to try and just take one breath and one day at a time until I see you again. Thank you for the strength you give us to carry on. I love you baby girl. Forever and ever, to the moon and back, billions and billions Carl Sagan Gee Paw. 

Love mama

How Social Media Helped Heal Community

Social Media is an interesting phenomena. Some people use social media to share what they had for breakfast or what they are listening to while others post vacation photos or clever sayings. Some postings are song lyrics with no explanation that leave you wondering if it was just a song that person liked or if there is something you need to be concerned about. Social media is also a place to learn and share articles, viewpoints, and perspectives with others across vast geographical locations who have common interests. Some people use social media to rant about political opinions and some people do not post anything at all. Choosing to quietly observe (cyber-stalk you might say) the lives of friends and acquaintances. Until recently, my personal interest in Facebook had become more of an observer than a contributor and I found myself on Twitter to learn, grow, and communicate with people in the health care industry. I have a few friends on Twitter where more personal exchanges would occur, but I typically used Twitter on a professional level.  In July, when my daughter passed away, my impressions and ideas on how and who used social media were completely flipped. 

I recall quite vividly standing in my backyard with my family, huddled a few yards away from all the friends and family who came as soon as they heard of Amanda's passing. We were waiting for the coroner to arrive and praying that she would let us see our daughter before taking her body away. My husband, in a protective fatherly panic said "We need to shut down Amanda's Facebook wall." I knew his concern was that people were going to talk about how she died, instead of how she lived.  No one wants to hear, see, or talk about death by suicide, especially the family of the victim.  In that moment I was filled with complete confidence and assurance that her wall needed to stay up. Looking at him and then my two older daughters, I said "I understand where you are coming from, but I am going to have to disagree with you. Her friends are going to need a place to express their feelings, pour out their pains, and share their memories. I think this can be a place for them to heal each other." I asked our girls what their thoughts were and they were in agreement. The wall should stay up. 

Within 24 hours a twitter friend of mine started a prayer chain with others on Facebook and love came pouring in. Over the days that followed, we watched as Amanda's friends and even strangers expressed how Amanda impacted their lives. They shared loss and memories through stories and pictures. If one friend posted a comment that was concerning, ten teens responded with "call/text me now" or words of encouragement. I, personally, took to another form of social media, blogging, to express my emotions. We even stumbled upon a "Choose the Right" (CTR) blogpost that Amanda had written the year prior which became the inspiration for her memorial service that was attended by nearly 1000 people. We wondered if the those attending her service would take her message to heart. that answer was answered almost immediately after her service, when Amanda's Facebook wall was flooded with posts by kids promising to choose the right. Teens vowing to stop cutting themselves, try harder in school, or just be kinder to people. Others sending private messages confessing their attempts at suicide and promising they would never try it again. I have learned over the past several months which messages I should reply to and which ones are meant to be a private message to Amanda. Some messages led to phone calls or long nights of texting back and forth between myself and someone who was on the edge of making a permanent decision. We used Amanda's Facebook wall to share information on depression recognition, self harm and suicide prevention sessions sponsored by the YMCA and a wonderful group called Five Acres. After a couple weeks of messages, wall posts, and other comments our family realized that our youth, teens, and young adults are fragile souls that need help, guidance, and to know they are loved. So we started the process of forming a non profit foundation to keep Amanda's CTR message alive. A Facebook "Amanda Panda's Choose The Right" page was created where people could take the pledge to choose the right by liking the pledge wall. Those that leave their address behind are mailed a free CTR wristband to remind them of their pledge.

In our family community of Monrovia, California, over 2200 people have officially liked the Facebook pledge wall and, with the help of Amanda's friends and other community members, we have given out over 5500 wristbands that have reached from our city all the way to New Zealand and England. Our nonprofit status has been finalized and our website is up. Recently we challenged ourselves to get 2000 page likes by Amanda's 17th birthday. To help with that effort, our local online newspaper "The Monrovia Patch" helped us share our message generating about 40 page likes within the first couple hours after publishing.  Forty may seem like a small number, but every time someone likes our page on Facebook, it shares it in their personal feed for their friends to see, sharing our message with anyone that follows them. 

Through social media, we have been able to connect with other groups with similar interests, banding together to help keep our youth and loved ones ALIVE. I don't know what we would have done had this occurred in a time where technology was not available to allow these opportunities to share, communicate, and heal each other. 

Live wisely and Always Choose the Right!