I started out this morning with the intention of writing a blog about all of the things I am thankful for in my life, but was quickly derailed by my lovely daughter, Amanda, who excitedly asked me to write her list first. I know this may sound crazy, but I swear to you she talks to me all the time. She probably talks to you too, but you don't want anyone to think YOU are crazy so you just check it off as a memory or something Amanda would have said. But I have learned that those voices are not to be denied. Those are visits and Amanda has messages that she wants shared. Messages which turn in to blogs if I am willing to take the time to write them out. I'm going to try and write this one as I'm hearing her say it, so if there is sarcasm or humor, just know that Amanda is OUR daughter and that makes complete sense to me. Here it goes...
The first thing Amanda is grateful for is a loving Father in Heaven. "I know you thought you loved me the most, but He REALLY loves me! Boy am I glad he's forgiving too. I know I wasn't perfect, but He treats me like I am."
I'm grateful that Jesus Christ sacrificed himself for me and for each of you. I may not have understood that very well before, but I know it now. He died so that we could live. Not just as mortal beings, but as spiritual beings when our time on earth was through. He provided a way for our family to always be together. All that stuff they talked about in church makes sense now. "Things that are bound on earth are bound in heaven." That means that even death cant separate us. I can't wait to see my family again one day, but I hope they take their time!
I'm grateful for my family, including all of my extended family. We really are a great family. We love each other... and not in the past tense just because I'm gone from them physically. Everyone always said I was the bond that connected us to one another. Our family is crazy, nutty, and maybe not that normal, but we are a good family and we will always be connected to each other. I love my parents and my sisters. I'm blessed that they are mine.
I LOVE my dogs Spike, Ollie, and Coco. They still make me laugh every day. I know some people think I am gone, but I'm not. I'm right here with you all the time. Which means I can still play with my dogs! I love it when you come over and play with my dogs too.
I am so grateful for all of my friends. Friends that were like sisters and brothers to me. Sometimes we would fight, but that didn't stop us from being friends. I am so proud of how strong they have been. I never meant to hurt anyone. Heck, I didn't really mean to hurt myself. I hope they all know how much they are really, really loved. I know some of you have been going through a really difficult time, but hang in there. I know that doesn't sound right because I left early, but I wouldn't have if I had thought it through and I honestly didn't mean to. Trust me... It will get better. There are great things in store for you. Every time I see one of you go visit with my family or leave them a note, it makes my heart smile. I see how you have helped each other and perfect strangers who needed a smile too and it makes me grateful for each of you. You are all meant to do great things!
I am grateful that my parents found my blog post and shared the message about Choosing the Right. You guys probably would have laughed at me if I went around saying that before, but you get how important those three words can be and you have helped share that message and helped save other kids who needed to hear it. You are the bomb! Keep it going. Don't stop reaching out to others. You are making a difference every single day and I am so proud of you!
I am grateful for every moment I had with each of you. You made my life happy and full. You gave me things to laugh about every day. Thanks for being my family and friends. Thanks for being you. This is my favorite time of the year. Actually, from now until Christmas are my favorite times because it meant we would be spending time with family and I would be getting presents. Hey... what can I say... I love presents! Clothes, shoes, make-up... this is my time of the year! It kind of sucked that my birthday was right before Christmas because my presents were just kind of split up. It didn't help that I picked out all of my own stuff and would sneak in to my moms closet and wear them then put them back again right before my birthday or Christmas. Then on Christmas everything I opened I had already worn so that kind of took the fun out of it. My mom would always sneak me some extra money on the side to make me smile again. Here's what I've learned though... their is so much more to this season than receiving. Given is way better. Give a smile, a hug, an act of service, some kind words, help your mom or dad, or whoever you live with, around the house. Give one of your gifts to someone who has less than you. It will feel great. I promise you.
Anyhow... I've got my own work to do here and I think my mom has her own writing to do. Thanks for being you! I love you guys. Be grateful and love each other. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
Live wisely and always Choose the Right!!!
AKA
Amanda
Mandy
Mandykins
Mama Panda
Manda Panda
Manda
Amanda Kellie
Stinkerbell
Stink
Babe (oh yeah... You know who you are - I was your babe)
November 22, 2012
November 14, 2012
Investing in You
Today I finally worked up the courage to close out Amanda's bank account. It was getting hard to get those monthly reminders that I had yet one more thing left to do.
Something you need to know about Amanda is that she LOVED having a bank account because she LOVED money. She was so excited that Bank of America would allow her to have a debit card connected to her account at 14, instead of having to wait until she was 16. She has the Judd's to help thank for her ability to qualify. They would have her come out to Utah each summer and she would work for them selling anything that glows at special events, truck rallies, and fairs. She also babysat their boys on the days that Mandy J. would work part time. She made quite a bit of money during those summers, and while she did her best to spend most of it buying new clothes, she also came home with a few hundred dollars each time to put in the bank. The day she and I went to open her account, she explained to the bank officer that she was good at saving money during the summer and wanted a safe place to keep it. The bank officer smiled at the confident young lady in front of her and agreed to wave the age limit. From that day on, anytime Amanda had a few extra dollars in her pocket, she would ask if we could go to the bank so she could put it in her account. If the ATM would have accepted change, that would have gone in there too. Every time we would go to the bank she would count out her money, including her change, and then ask me if I wanted to add some to her fund. Before getting out of the car, she would say, "I'll give you my .63 cents (or whatever change she had dangling in her pocket) if you give me a dollar." I would always laugh and give her the dollar, even though I always let her keep her change.
So, as you can imagine, today's task was not an easy one for me. Pulling Amanda's death certificate out of my hope chest where some of my dreams stay tucked away was difficult. Explaining why I needed to close the account and filling out the forms was hard too. But more than anything, I felt like I was closing out a part of her and I just didn't want to do that. I've given a lot of thought as to what I would do with the amount that was in Mandy's account. It really wasn't much because this summer she didn't go to Utah like she usually does, so her funds were running low. Still... I had to ask myself, "Do I give it to her sisters or buy one of her friends something?" I kept thinking about what she would want me to do. Then, as the bank teller was handing me over her money, a total of $26.80, it hit me.
I collected her money and started across the street to Citibank, where we opened Amanda's non-profit foundation account (AKA Amanda Panda Foundation). As I was walking across the street, I heard Mandy's smiling voice in my head teasing me saying "Mom, I'll give you my .80 cents if you give me a dollar to make it even." So that's what I did. I spotted her the dollar and put the money in the ATM, just like she would have done. Yes... it was hard, but I realized her interests have changed too and though I closed out the old account, I helped her invest in something even more important. Saving lives. Together... we are investing in each of you. Know that you are all loved beyond measure.
Live wisely... and always Choose The Right.
http://www.facebook.com/AKAChooseTheRight
Something you need to know about Amanda is that she LOVED having a bank account because she LOVED money. She was so excited that Bank of America would allow her to have a debit card connected to her account at 14, instead of having to wait until she was 16. She has the Judd's to help thank for her ability to qualify. They would have her come out to Utah each summer and she would work for them selling anything that glows at special events, truck rallies, and fairs. She also babysat their boys on the days that Mandy J. would work part time. She made quite a bit of money during those summers, and while she did her best to spend most of it buying new clothes, she also came home with a few hundred dollars each time to put in the bank. The day she and I went to open her account, she explained to the bank officer that she was good at saving money during the summer and wanted a safe place to keep it. The bank officer smiled at the confident young lady in front of her and agreed to wave the age limit. From that day on, anytime Amanda had a few extra dollars in her pocket, she would ask if we could go to the bank so she could put it in her account. If the ATM would have accepted change, that would have gone in there too. Every time we would go to the bank she would count out her money, including her change, and then ask me if I wanted to add some to her fund. Before getting out of the car, she would say, "I'll give you my .63 cents (or whatever change she had dangling in her pocket) if you give me a dollar." I would always laugh and give her the dollar, even though I always let her keep her change.
So, as you can imagine, today's task was not an easy one for me. Pulling Amanda's death certificate out of my hope chest where some of my dreams stay tucked away was difficult. Explaining why I needed to close the account and filling out the forms was hard too. But more than anything, I felt like I was closing out a part of her and I just didn't want to do that. I've given a lot of thought as to what I would do with the amount that was in Mandy's account. It really wasn't much because this summer she didn't go to Utah like she usually does, so her funds were running low. Still... I had to ask myself, "Do I give it to her sisters or buy one of her friends something?" I kept thinking about what she would want me to do. Then, as the bank teller was handing me over her money, a total of $26.80, it hit me.
I collected her money and started across the street to Citibank, where we opened Amanda's non-profit foundation account (AKA Amanda Panda Foundation). As I was walking across the street, I heard Mandy's smiling voice in my head teasing me saying "Mom, I'll give you my .80 cents if you give me a dollar to make it even." So that's what I did. I spotted her the dollar and put the money in the ATM, just like she would have done. Yes... it was hard, but I realized her interests have changed too and though I closed out the old account, I helped her invest in something even more important. Saving lives. Together... we are investing in each of you. Know that you are all loved beyond measure.
Live wisely... and always Choose The Right.
http://www.facebook.com/AKAChooseTheRight
November 12, 2012
The Song of the Hummingbird
The week before Amanda left us, she and I spent quite a bit of time together in the backyard in our new recliner lounge chairs. I would read and she would text. I liked having her lay next to me. Even if we weren't always talking, I felt connected to her. It made me happy knowing she would actually WANT to hang out with me. Over the past few months I've found myself trying to take a moment to sit quietly each day and listen to the sounds around me and take in the beauty of my surroundings. It's my personal time to think about my life and feel connected to our Heavenly Father and, through that connection, I feel closer to Amanda. My favorite place to take these quiet moments is in my backyard where the trees sway with each gentle breeze and the worries of each day seem to melt away from me. It may seem strange to some, but I swear I can feel Amanda sitting in the chair right next to me. I keep wishing I'll look over and see her texting like everything was back to normal.
I noticed a few days after Amanda passed that there were a couple hummingbirds that would come visit out backyard to suck the sweet nectar out of our flowers. There is something about a hummingbird that brings my heart so much joy. Perhaps it's because they come fluttering so quickly in and out of our lives. They make a humming or buzzing noise when they are near by. Sometimes I can see them and sometimes I can only hear them.
Did you know Hummingbirds are always on the verge of starvation and because they have such a high metabolism, they come close to dying every night? When they wake in the morning it takes them almost a half hour to come out of their groggy state where they then rush to find life sustaining nectar and food. Do these characteristics sound like anyone else you know? This was Amanda every day! Always humming. Always finding joy and making hearts smile. Always telling me that she was starving and in need of tacos :)
Her sweet spirit still surrounds me. It lifts me up with a gentle constant hum. I'm so grateful for the sweet hummingbirds that sing their songs to my souls and remind me of her and how much I am loved.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)