My Testimony... Being a Daughter of Heavenly Father - KA

I am a Daughter of our Heavenly Father

Who loves me for who I am

Even when I don't live up to my fullest potential

He believes in me and my dreams

Even when I lose my focus

He trusts me to raise His children

Even though I sometimes lose my patience 

He has blessed me with a husband who holds the priesthood

Though I don't always feel worthy to receive His blessings

He understands the needs of my heart

Even when I am confused

He encourages me to choose the right

Even when I am tempted by worldly desires

He forgives me for my wrong doings

Even before I am ready to forgive myself

He pours His blessings upon me

Even when I forget to thank Him in prayer

He comforts me in my times of need

He comforts me before I ask

He wraps his loving arms around me

Even when I fail to hold him back

He lets me feel His love in quiet moments 

The Holy Spirit whispers it gently to my soul

I AM a daughter of our Heavenly Father who loves me so much that He sent His only begotten Son to experience our heartache and carry the sins of the world before sacrificing His own life to redeem us of those sins… to redeem me of my sins… just because he wanted me to have the choice to return to Him one day. 

Wow… I AM a daughter of our Heavenly Father. 

This is my testimony which I leave in the name of Jesus Christ.

- Sister Kristen L. Andrews

my eyes are red and tired 

stuck in a body that is achy

and a mind that is wired

wishing my dreams would take me

my nightly routine would be so lonely

had I not this world that listens in silence

there are pieces of my history 

on this electronic wall

a journal of my soul you could say

in the stillness of the night

this blog beckons me to play

sleep is gone for the moment

about to bring in a new day

My little girls have grown into young women

No longer their hero or the one they shower with kisses freely

I wait, like a thief, for moments I can steal away

A long hug, a conversation of more than Hello's and Goodbyes'

Quiet times... not shopping days when I'm spending money to be with one or all of them

Standing at the kitchen counter, sharing our day, laughing as silly Lauren dances in her undies and donkey slippers

Those are the moments I treasure

Every so often, I am blessed with a rare opportunity

Having one of them lay next to me, so close I can feel the warmth of her body

And see the soft, rhythmic rising in her chest

I take in the scent of her hair

Praying the minutes will pass like hours

When did I hold her like this last?

So many thoughts run through my mind

What does the future hold for her?

Who will be her true love?

Will she remember me when love fills her life?

Relax...  savor the moment

Oh, it is so very rare

These brief glimpses of our yesterday, carry me through our tomorrows

I am so blessed... even by stolen moments, I am blessed

What are you thinking, my sweet stinkerbell

What runs through your complex little mind
You seem to be caught under a spell
What are the answers you're wishing to find

I hope that you see this one day my love
Do you know how beautiful I think you are
How I have been blessed from heaven above
You shine as bright as the northern star

You're the wind as it blows sweet whispers in my ear
You bring joy to my day and hope in the night
I want to begin and end each one with you near
Goodnight my cuddle-queen, goodnight

I love you billions and billions and billions

When the Dark Wakes Up

I had combed my hair and brushed my teeth
and said "Now I lay me down to sleep",
but my toes were to wiggly to go to sleep yet
so I asked my mommy if I could play with my jet.
She said, "In the morning, when the daylight comes,
you can play with your jet, your trucks, and your drums."
Then she pulled the covers way up to my chin
and said "Now close your eyes and let sweet dreams begin."
As soon as she left, I hopped to the floor
Only to find my mother's eyes staring back through my door.
She said, "Young man, get on back to your room
and do it quickly before you wake up the moon."
"If the dark wakes up," she whispered to me,
"he'll be much too tired to set the day free."
She bent in closely and kissed my head,
then helped me get settled back into bed.
I closed my eyes and fell asleep at last,
in hopes that the dark would fade away fast.
In the morning, when daylight came,
it called to me to come play a new game.
But I was too tired from staying up late.
This time the daylight would have to wait.
So I pulled the covers back up to my chin
and prayed the dark would come back again.

Written for Nick and Dan when they were 3 yrs. old
ka

Sleepless Dreamer

The night calls out and beacons me to play. Thoughts dancing wildly in my mind. I toss and turn until the gentle lull succeeds and I find myself here once again. Sitting, drinking a warm cup of tea in the silence of the evening hours. There is a peacefulness about this time of night. A stillness that is difficult to find during the day. I hear the songlike breathing in rooms around me. I wonder what images fuel their dreams. Will they remember in the morning? Will I still be awake when they arise? I hope not. Sometimes that is my fate though. To lay sleeplessly and dream about sleep.

Breathe - For Lauren

 

They say breathing should come naturally

Yet I find myself gasping for air

These walls closing in all around me

Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll disappear

I know my reality is not so desperate

Still… my heart finds trouble beating

My pulse yearns for the rhythm of our love song

But the chorus has become self-defeating

In an effort to keep you near to me

I pretend it is easy to just be your friend

My heart, it seems, does not like being deceived

And refuses to allow me to mend

My mind is quietly whispering

What my heart wishes not to hear

Somehow I must learn to breathe

Without you as my source for air

I pray that I’ll be strong enough

To move forward into a new day

To learn to exist with you as just my friend

Or find the courage to walk away

As I stand in the echoes of my emptiness

I know I am not left to walk alone

The struggle is hearing their voices above yours

And the love that keeps calling me home

I’ll put one foot in front of the other

Take one breath in for each breath out

Each effort rewarded by finding myself

And learning what I’m all about

When the walls start closing in again

And my heart takes a moment to grieve

I’ll reach out to those that love me

And keep finding a way to breathe

One breath in for each breath out

Yes… all I have to do is breathe

ka

The Girl Who Faded Away - a short fictional story by me

I didn’t know this girl we are writing about very well.  Well, actually, I went to school with her since preschool, but, I mean, I never really knew her.   Our English teacher, Mr. Segal, told us about her though; about how she slowly faded away.  Her name was Michelle Roberta Anderson.  Michelle was sixteen and went to Monrovia High School.  She wasn’t into brand names and designer jeans like all the other kids.  Instead, she always wore a red sweat jacket with holes in the elbows and blue jeans that didn’t get washed very often. When kids at school walked by her, she kept her eyes focused on the ground and prayed quietly to herself that they wouldn’t tease her again.  She told herself that if she prayed hard enough, one day she would just fade away and never have to face these kids again. 

Ever since Michelle was in Kindergarten, she was known as an outsider.  She was quite, shy, and kept to herself all of the time.  I mean, she must have been a total loner, because I would have noticed her… wouldn’t I have?  Why didn’t she even try to make friends?  Anyway, as she grew older, she seemed to distance herself more and more.  During class breaks and lunchtime, Michelle would sit by herself under the shade of an old oak tree, writing in a book, which must have been her journal.  She would write in that book for hours sometimes, pouring out her heart and soul, as if it were her only lifeline and her one true friend. 

Michelle must have gotten sick a lot, because she missed a lot of school.  Sometimes she wouldn’t come to school for days, but when she finally returned, she would be wearing that same red sweater and old blue jeans.  One of my friends said they heard she was just being rebellious against her parents.  That she was one of those rich kids that had everything, but she refused to wear the clothes her parents bought her.  I thought that was just crazy.  Could someone hate their parents so much that they would walk through life, day after day, wearing the same ugly clothes?

Sometime in the middle of our Junior year, Michelle started missing school more and more, until eventually, she stopped coming at all.  It took a while before anyone noticed.  Her teachers were encouraged by the school district to mark everyone in attendance so they would get the money for each student, so they never really took a real roll count.  So even though they should have noticed she wasn’t there, it didn’t seem to make a difference.  Michelle didn’t have any friends so there wasn’t anyone to report her absence.  Then, one day, the gardeners found a book under the old oak tree where Michelle used to spend her time.  That book was Michelle’s journal and in it were these words written over and over again.

Can’t you hear me screaming?

Don’t you see these tears that stain my face?

My body has been broken and bruised,

I’m so tired of the human race.

Will anyone notice if I loose this fight?

Does anyone hear these words I pray?

Can’t you hear me screaming?

Can’t you help keep me from fading away.

By the time that journal was found, it was too late.  Michelle’s tired and broken body was found in a make-shift forte, where she had been living under the freeway.  She was still wearing that red sweat shirt and those old blue jeans.  The outline of her body was spray-painted on the cold cement ground where she slept every night.  Sad thing is, after just a few short weeks, even that is slowly starting to fade away.

KA

If I Only Worked Part Time

I would spend my spare time looking at the world

through the eyes of my four-year-old daughter

and loving my family as a dog would love.

Through my daughters eyes,

 I would find visions of rainbows in jars of finger paint

and hunt for nuggets of gold from the sandbox

to help my family buy a house.

I would make masterpieces of play-dough

and stare with awe and wonder

as a seedling grows into bean sprout

I would be home to greet my family as a dog does,

Refreshed, lovingly, and unconditionally.

I would rush to meet them at the door with my tail wagging.

I would curl up with them when they are sad

and lick their faces when they need to laugh.

I would enjoy my life experiences, then apply them at work.

Reminding myself that when things aren't going my way,

I can make my happy ending out of cookie-dough when I get home.

Cece and Lara

My sister.  My soulmate.  My friend. 

Where did you go?  Why did you leave?  

I can't figure out if I did something wrong,

I wonder how I could be so naive? 

Why do I pretend to be so darn strong?

You were the one I shared my soul with, 

Someone I learned to lean on.

My head says you'll be back again,

This distance doesn't mean you're really gone.

Perhaps you just need time to figure your new world out,

But my heart aches quietly for the friendship we had,

I struggle to understand what this silence is about.

When will I stop feeling so sad?

I try to move on from this place where we were

Try new friends, but they don't seem to fit.

It's easier to keep my feelings locked inside.

But it is harder than I choose to admit.

Slowly, cautiously,  I move through the motions.

Knowing when we again meet, our paths will not part

For you are my sister.  My soulmate.  My friend.

And forever a piece of my heart.

Carry On

I sit in your empty room at night
Dreaming dreams that will never be.
The aroma of your toys and clothes
Bring you near to me.
We used to sing you lullabies
For our night time was never through
Until we sang that special song…
Oh sweet girl, I will always love you
I long for those precious nights again
Yes, I know I’ll have them back in time
Until then I have these memories of you
And of our fingers intertwined

Don’t cry mommy,
I am not gone
Carry on mommy,
Carry on, carry on

I can’t tell you how much I miss you
This has been so hard to understand
I miss your silly laughter
And having you take my hand
I wish I could blow bubbles on your belly
Or tickle your little feet
Everything is different now
It’s so hard to feel complete
I look for your everywhere
Like we’re are playing hide and go seek
I hope you’re happy up in heaven
I know you’re smiling down on me

Don’t cry brother,
I am not gone
Carry on brother,
Carry on, carry on

I used to plan my days around you
You were always there by my side
People seemed to swarm to you
Oh, how you filled my heart with pride
Now when I think of you, I smile
Though my heart still feels the pain
I go on because I know you would want me to
But living just isn’t the same
When I look at all the pictures of you
I think of how you touched our lives in so many ways
You visit me in my dreams at night
But I can never make you stay

Don’t cry daddy,
I am not gone
Carry on daddy,
Carry on, carry on

I sit here by Heavenly Father’s side
He tickles me like you
And Jesus sings my favorite song
Like mommy used to do
The angels take turns holding me
When I want to feel you near
And when you say your prayers at night
They always let me hear
So don’t cry family,
I am not gone
Carry on family
Carry on, Carry on

For the Motzkus Family

ka

A Father’s Kiss - In loving memory of Jessica Iris Motzkus

Her Father holds her in His loving arms,

And with a kiss He lets her go.

He sends his beloved daughter down,

To her family waiting below.

He knows that they will love her,

And take care of her fragile heart.

The temple bond He sealed them in,

Promises they will never truly part.

His Father’s intuition reminds Him

How faith can be shaken when in rough seas,

So He blows kisses from the heavens

To etch her smile forever in their memories.

A family kneels in prayer together.

Hearts breaking as they try to comprehend.

How the love and joy they shared with her,

Could come so abruptly to an end.

He tries His best to comfort them,

Somehow hoping to lighten their load.

The bonds of eternity begin to strengthen,

As she prepares their castle at the end of their road.

She sits, perfected, by His side,

As He watches the scene below.

Her father holds her in his loving arms,

And with a kiss he lets her go.

Kristen Andrews 6/16/04