Burning Embers

Sirens breaking through the stillness of the night
Jarring those sleeping from the comfort of their bed
Burning embers quickly spread  with dangerous flight
Licking the hills with their flaming tongues of orange and red
Families watching as their homes burn to the ground
Memories sent to the heavens in billows of smoke
Tears etch their way down the soot stained skin they've found
Arms of neighbors and strangers become their cloak
Small voices asking parents "Where do we call home now"
While heros come sharing food, clothes, shelter, money and heart
They cling to each other and take a silent vow
They will fall together in comfort and not crumble apart
Strengthened by the love of co-workers, family, and friends
They receive blessings because of those burning embers
So much lost and so much to mend
But it's the love and charity their hearts remember

May we always remember to comfort each other and fall together.  My sincere gratitude and thanks to the firefighters who have saved so many people and homes.
Kristen Andrews

Blessed

You know that feeling you get when you download a new playlist, set it on shuffle, and just start walking while the words dance through your thoughts touching on distant memories? You look up at the stars and feel the night air gently kiss your skin. That feeling you get when you are embraced by the realization that there really is so much more than this material world we are walking through and the moment of gratitude that sinks into every ounce of your soul because you know without a doubt that God's hand painted this life for you.  The good, the bad, happy and even the tragically sad. He knew you would need bright colors, highlighted with just the right edge of darkness. He knew that darkness would help you learn to shine even brighter. He never asked you to paint the colors alone. He is with you in every stroke. He asks nothing of you. He just wants to know if in the end... will you still choose Him like HE chose you.

I love that feeling. It's love, hope, joy, and heartache all rolled up in one. It's what I call being alive.

#Blessed.

Please Stay

On July 11th, 2012 our daughter Amanda died by suicide. It's been two years, one month and twenty-nine days since I have heard her voice, seen her smile, watched her sleep, cuddled her on the couch, heard her say "I love you too", been wrapped tightly in one of her daily hugs, stared admiringly at her as she walked away confidently, received some random weird text video about wanting food, or enjoyed the sound of her laughter. 

Amanda's friends still refer to our home as "Amanda's house" when they tell people where they are. It will always be Amanda's house, Amanda's BMW, Amanda's family and dog. You know... I'm totally okay with that too. It warms my heart from within. It means they still feel her here in our home and hopefully it will always be a place of comfort and security for them.

Even though it's been over two years since her death, she never leaves my mind and my heart still aches for her. I'm able to pull myself together every day by focusing on the good memories. I like to look over at the passenger seat of my car where she would have been rushing to put on her make up before school, leaving foundation finger smudges on my rear view mirror. I imagine her so vividly that I can feel her warmth next to me and see her look over at me and smile. I rarely have a day when I'm driving to work and my mind doesn't drift back to memories of the day we lost her and the days that followed. I replay every moment in slow motion, as tears gently burn their trace across my skin.  Where I was when I got the call, who was in the room with me, the guilt over not answering my phone the first time Lauren called me because my meeting at work seemed more important, having to make those heart wrenching calls to the rest of our family to tell them to "Come home. Please come home". Having my boss walk me to her car to drive me home and pleading gently with God the whole way there. The overwhelming love and support from friends, family, and even strangers. Oh... And all of the flowers that were delivered that week. It's weird how something so beautiful can feel so suffocating.  I relive this almost every day. When I get to work, I dry my eyes, take a deep breath, say a prayer to tell her I love her, and move forward. 

I don't want to remember that day or the time that followed, but it's a part of my memory just as strong as the day I gave birth to her. I wonder what it would be like if she were still here. What job she would have, who her boyfriend would be, what fashion style she would be rocking, and whether I would have been wise enough to know I should cherish everything about her or would I just take for granted each moment I had been blessed to share with her. Sometimes I hear the shenanigans her friends get into and think "well... At least I don't have to go through that or worry about Amanda making poor choices" and then I'm filled with instant regret because I would be so happy to have just one more argument or one night of lecturing her for coming home late. At least, in the end, I would have her here with me. She might be mad or disappointed that she was in trouble, but she would be here.

I don't like speaking in past tense, but that is what I am left with without her here. I don't want to focus on her story ended because the life she lived is so much more than that one moment in time. I've learned to say the word suicide without blinking, flinching, or crying in front of people. It's strange how people use suicide phrases in their daily vocabulary to express feelings or to joke around. I guess I never used to hear it before, I probably used to say them myself more than I know, but now each word of those joking phrases jumps out and takes hold of my breath. Clutching my lungs tightly before slowly allowing me to breathe again.

It's sad and tragic that we must assign a specific month, week, or even one day devoted to suicide awareness and prevention. There has been increasing attention and focus on suicide prevention, especially after a beloved celebrity passed by their own hand. Yet, suicide still seems to be something that is whispered instead of talked about. I am not ashamed that my daughter left the world the way she did. I do not begrudge her for not speaking out and asking for help through a difficult time, even though with every ounce of my being I wish she had. That's the thing... people who are suicidal don't think logically. They are experiencing an internal pain which takes over their thought process and presents only one possible solution. I wish I could have stopped her from feeling sad or alone in that moment of despair. I wish my love would have been strong enough to keep her here. I've had people say it's hard to understand how Amanda could have made such a "selfish" decision, taking away her pain and transferring it to her family and friends. In a moment of despair, you don't always stop to imagine how the world would be darkened without your light or have the ability to picture your life getting better. Whether you are 16 and experiencing a break up with the love of your life or 60 and tired of feeling numb and hollow, the depth of emotional desperation is immeasurable. You truly believe that no one will understand your pain or that no one can make you feel whole again. 

This is where I need to you to listen though...  

Those voices in your head are WRONG. You WILL make it through. You are NOT going to feel this way forever. This world WOULD be dark and sad without you in it. YES... even perfect strangers will ache at the loss of you. There are so many people who would do anything to help you. To listen to your story and sing a song of hope to your soul. You matter. If you are thinking that suicide is your only way out. It isn't. You say you don't want to burden anyone with your pain, but the pain you would leave them to deal with would be 100 x's worse. Trust me. Stop thinking about the rope, the gun, the pills, the knife, and any other exit strategy you've been planning. Reach out to someone. Anyone. None of us were meant to journey through this world alone. Please keep living. Please... Please stay.

You are loved beyond measure. Live wisely and always choose the right. 

Please post a candle in your front window at 8:00pm on September 10th in honor of world suicide prevention day.

Spiritual Self Reliance

Last week my husband and I were asked to give a talk in church on spiritual self reliance, so I thought I'd share my talk with you too. 

The topic sounded like a contradiction in itself. I've always felt I like spiritual self reliance isn't about becoming independent of god, but becoming completely dependent on him. Our Heavenly Father is there and a relationship with him is essential to building spiritual strength. Yes, he wants us to be independent in our temporal needs, but he has shown us over and over again, through scripture and revelation that he has not sent us here to walk this world alone.

In the end we can't be spiritually self-reliant because we're completely dependent on God. Stop trying to be self-reliant in that area; say "Uncle". Think of the hymns: "I Need Thee Every Hour" and the line from "Guide Us O Thou Great Jehovah" that says "we are weak but thou art able..." He gives us tools, but we need to create a quiet place/ time in our lives so that we can tune in. Nobody else can get you to Heaven...you have to have your own testimony.

The blessings of temporal self-reliance become obvious in times of crises, but spiritual self-reliance is equally crucial in difficult times. Those with firm spiritual foundations are blessed with peace, reassurance, and greater faith when calling on Heavenly Father for help.

When our sweet Amanda passed away the weight of our loss was so heavy that I did the only thing I knew would help me through. I prayed.

I asked The Lord to carry my heartache until I was strong enough to carry it on my own. To lend me His strength so I could be there for our family and all of Amanda's friends.

Before her physical body left our home, her father gave her a priesthood blessing. The police officers who responded to our home stood amongst us, heads reverently bowed, tears in their eyes, leaning on the strength of OUR faith.

When our home was filled that evening with about fifty of Amanda's family and friends, I knew the one blessing that we could share with them was the assurance that Heavenly Father would not leave them alone in their sorrow, so we gathered everyone together and offered up a prayer of comfort for them.

When I spoke to the representatives at One Legacy about organ donation, I knew without question that it was what she and Heavenly Father would want us to do. But when I was asked about donating her arm and leg bones I had to run outside and ask my husband "you're sure about us being restored to our most perfect form right? Cause if not Amanda's going to be really mad!" A year later I went through the temple to help amanda receive her endowments. During the washing and anointing part when the blessing says "you will walk and not be weary, run and not be faint" I heard amanda say, "See mom, I'm fine!" And I cried like a baby in relief. I already knew the answer to that question, but The Lord sent his reassurance anyway.

During Amanda's viewing and memorial service I felt like I, as well as my family, had arms wrapped around us. I never once thought to myself, "I can handle this on my own." Instead I gave myself up completely to The Lord and allowed him to help guide me through.  

When brother Mike Miller spoke at her service about the plan of salvation, I felt like The Lord was speaking directly to me, through him. Reminding me that Jesus was standing by Amanda's side pleading her case to our father in heaven. When one of her sisters questioned how god could take her Sister away, I held her tight and said "He is just as sad as we are. But he wants you to know that even though this was not his doing, he sent angels into our home to carry her spirit to him" The adversary wants us to believe this was gods doing so we will turn away from our one true savior. He knows the only way for us to see the blessings we received in the temple when our family was sealed together come to fruition is if we don't let our faith be shaken. Satan preyed on Amanda's moment of desperation, but he doesn't realize he lost because we have all just grown closer to god.

When a lady at the nail salon asked me in all sincerity if Mormons believed that suicide was a sin and that our daughter would go to hell. I looked her straight in the eyes and told her that the beauty of Heavenly Father is that he loves and forgives us all. That I can move forward each day because I know with every bit of my heart, mind, and soul that she is with Him.

When we were inspired to start the Amanda Panda CTR foundation to share the message to choose the right, I got on my knees to ask The Lord what he wanted me to do and how I, personally, should share this valuable message. I listened for his promptings and then followed them without question. When I have someone reach out to me  on our Facebook pledge page in a moment of despair, I always stop and ask Heavenly Father how I should respond, and if it's a teenager in need, I ask amanda to help me phrase what The Lord wants me to say in a way that will connect with someone her age.  I talk to them or text them until I am comfortable that they are okay. At the end of those moments, when I can finally let out a sigh of relief, I give thanks and say "WE did it. We saved another life today." I don't say "I" or "You" but we, because it is my reliance on Heavenly Father that I may hear and receive his message and my willingness to set aside my own thoughts to relay what he knows his special child needs to hear. This to me is spiritual self reliance.

I've shared this dream with some, but I'd like to share it with you again. This dream happened about a month after Amanda passed away. This dream was significant because I had stopped having dreams with amanda in them, just as had everyone else in our family. So when this dream occurred it was a reassurance of things I felt I knew, but spoken to me in a way I could understand them. I remember there was a faint odor coming from the side of our house. When I went to the side of the house, I found a doorway that led to a very long hallway that was connected to our house. Down that hallway were little pee puddles and near the end of that long hall was Spike, Amanda's chihuahua, lifting his leg on the wall, leaving a trail that led me straight to a room. Spike was looking at me like "can I make this anymore obvious... Follow me" When I opened the door to the room, Spike ran happily inside.  Inside the room was a bed like Amanda's and a big white fluffy down comforter just like she had. I was looking around the room and then looked at the bed when I saw the comforter move. Amanda was under the covers. She looked out at me and smiled and said "Hi mama". I looked down at her and said "Hi sweetie. I've missed you. What are you doing in this room?" She climbed out from under the fluffy comforter and said, "I'm helping some other kids cross to the other side. See... here comes one now." Then a little child appeared and she went to the wall, which appeared very thin, and she led the child through the wall saying "It's okay... go to Him." Then she climbed back under the comforter and pulled it up to her chin and said, "I love you mama." I said "I love you too baby", then I walked out of the room to find a Swiffer to clean up the pee puddles leaving Amanda to do her job.

Figures... I would finally have a dream with Amanda in it and all I can think about is cleaning up the pee puddles! I thought about that dream a lot though and find great peace in it. It assured me that she is okay. She still loves and knows us and that she is doing Heavenly Father's work.  It tells me that the veil is thin and she is still very close to us... as close as crossing over a hallway to another room. It also reminded me that following Spike was like following the spirit. if you are willing to listen and follow the spirit's promptings, good things will await you and you will be guided to the path that brings you to Him and those you love.

On another night, more recently, Amanda was on my mind a lot and I couldn't sleep, so I laid in bed reading. I heard her dog, Spike, start to whimper in his sleep and I wondered if he was having a bad dream. Then my mind raced to a thought that maybe he missed Amanda. Then I thought "what if he doesn't remember her?" And my tears started to fall like a faucet that had been left on. "Does she miss US? Does she miss me?" It was a moment of sad desperation. A mother needing to know that her daughter loved her and missed her. It's weird because I usually feel so secure in this knowledge, but this night, I needed a sign. I needed to know with all my heart that my Amanda loved me and missed me as much as i did her. I selfishly wanted to know that she was sad too. Not so sad that she couldn't be happy or that her heart ached from longing, but enough to miss us. So I prayed. I prayed that God would let her know how much I loved and missed her and that He would give a sign that she loved and missed me too. I prayed and I cried.

Eventually, I must have fallen asleep. I was deep in a world of comfort and much needed rest when I I was awoken by a kiss. A soft kiss planted gently on the upper left side of my lip. I moved my hand to that spot in bewilderment and confusion. When I touched that spot I felt a tiny seed of moisture right above where the sensation on my lip still lingered. A teardrop. I rubbed the moisture between my thumb and trigger finger in disbelief. Then I quickly felt my eyes to see if I was crying in my sleep. I wasn't. I sat up and studied my husbands sleeping position to see if maybe he gleeked me, but he was facing the opposite direction. As I searched desperately for a legitimate answer, I heard a tender chuckle say "mama... You asked for God and I to send you a sign. Why is it so hard to believe He would answer your prayer?" "I love you and I miss you more than you'll ever know, but I am ALWAYS with you."

So you may be thinking I'm crazy and that's okay because it's hard for me to believe too, but I am just going to try and accept it for what it was and needs to be for me. God heard my plea and answered my prayer. He allowed Amanda to give me a tender kiss and when she did, a tear drop fell from her eyes. She loves us. She misses us. And she is always with me. God hears our every prayer. The answers will come if we are patient and faithful. He will not leave us alone. He wants us to turn to him not just our moments of sorrow, but to lift up our voices in gratitude for all the subtle blessings in our life.

Having such strong spiritual connections to our Heavenly Father does not free us from the burdens and challenges of life. You may notice that I usually leave after sacrament. This new life of ours has brought with it challenges of dealing with depression and a need to experience more calmness and quiet moments with The Lord. I find myself sitting in our backyard having conversations with God as I soak in the sounds of a hummingbird stealing nectar from our flowers or feeling a gentle breeze swish through our trees. Each moment becomes a personal connection between the savior, The Lord, Amanda, and myself. I don't just wait for significant moments of beauty to remind me of this beautiful gift of life we have been given, I constantly seek out those moments. His love is all around us, it's in the laughter that fills our home from having Amanda's best friends over all the time. Itstares back at me from the eyes of Amanda's best friends little baby, Nathan. It's in the hugs and smiles my daughters share. I have a strong spiritual connection with The Lord because I WANT to have one, so I make an effort to keep him near.

Heavenly Father wants us to wrap HIS arms around ourselves, to carry his spirit with us always so our testimony can be a beacon of light to others. He wants us to be spiritually self reliant by being dependent upon him, not independent from him. I don't wish for anyone to experience the loss we have, but I do wish you could each have something that opens your heart and soul to the revelation that the relationship you have with your Heavenly Father is the most important one you will ever experience. I pray that you will find peace and strength in the knowledge that he is there to guide you through this journey back to Him.

 

Tears From Heaven

Have you ever prayed so hard for something that tears poured down your face and your heart ached from such a heavy plea? Well... I will go on record and say most days and nights I'm okay, but there are these moments when my heart is longing for Amanda and knowing I have to wait until we meet again in heaven is not enough for me. I know I can't have her back in the physical realm with us, so my prayers are never unrealistic. I usually pray that she is happy, knows how much we love and miss her, that she is able to watch over us and send us signs of her presence in our every day lives, and that she is growing and learning while building our castle in heaven. 

The other night, Amanda was on my mind a lot and I couldn't sleep, so I laid in bed reading. I heard her dog, Spike, start to whimper in his sleep and I wondered if he was having a bad dream. Then my mind raced to a thought that maybe he missed Amanda. Then I thought "what if he doesn't remember her?" And my tears started to fall like a faucet that had been left on. "Does she miss US? Does she miss me?" It was a moment of sad desperation. A mother needing to know that her daughter loved her and missed her. It's weird because I usually feel so secure in this knowledge, but this night, I needed a sign. I needed to know with all my heart that my Amanda loved me and missed me as much as i did her. I selfishly wanted to know that she was sad too. Not so sad that she couldn't be happy or that her heart ached from longing, but enough to miss us. So I prayed. I prayed that God would let her know how much I loved and missed her and that He would give a sign that she loved and missed me too. I prayed and I cried. 

Eventually, I must have fallen asleep. I was deep in a world of comfort and much needed sleep when I I was awoken by a kiss. A soft kiss planted gently on the upper left side of my lip. I moved my hand to that spot in bewilderment and confusion. When I touched that spot I felt a tiny seed of moisture right above where the sensation on my lip still lingered. A teardrop. I rubbed the moisture between my thumb and trigger finger in disbelief. Then I quickly felt my eyes to see if I was crying in my sleep. I wasn't. I sat up and studied my husbands sleeping position to see if maybe he gleeked me, but he was facing the opposite direction. As I searched desperately for a legitimate answer, I heard a tender chuckle in my mind say "mama... You asked for God and I to send you a sign. Why is it so hard to believe He would answer your prayer?" "I love you and I miss you more than you'll ever know, but I am ALWAYS with you." 

So you may be reading this thinking I'm crazy and that's okay because it's hard for me to believe too, but I am just going to try and accept it for what it was and needs to be for me. God heard my plea and answered my prayer. He allowed Amanda to give me a tender kiss and when she did, a tear drop fell from her eyes. She loves us. She misses us. And she is always with me. God hears our every prayer. The answers will come if we are patient and faithful. He will not leave us alone. For His love and the love of my sweet family, I will always be grateful and never question their depth again. 

Amanda's Memorial Service 7-18-2012

We have been asked by many if we could share the comments given at Amanda's memorial service for those that weren't able to attend and those that just want to remember the beautiful spirit that was felt there. We are fortunate that a dear friend made a voice recording of her service so I have transcribed it here and will eventually get that transferred here as well. 

As always, we appreciate your support.  Thank you for loving us through our loss. We are overwhelmed with the outpouring of love from the over 1000 people that attended her memorial service and that continue to be part of our lives.  May you remember Amanda for the beauty she shared. How she loved and was loved by all. Remember her message... Live wisely. Love deeply. Laugh often. Cherish life and always, always... Choose the Right.

Amanda Andrews  - Eulogy  Given by Walter Steimle
As a friend I also search my heart and think what could I have done to make a difference to change the circumstances?  I realize accidents can happen, things don’t go as we expect.  Yet we here may still agonize over the question, “what if?”  For me relief from that agonizing question has come through Jesus Christ who suffered all things that we might not suffer.  And I trust the same is true for Amanda Andrews.  

We just sang “Each Life That touches Ours for Good” which was chosen by Amanda’s family, let me pick out some lines that particularly apply to Mandy.

“Each life that touches ours for good…
What greater gift doest thou bestow, what greater goodness can we know
Than Christ-like friends, whose gentle ways... Strengthen our faith, enrich our days
When such a friend from us departs, we hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory, Bringing us nearer, Lord to thee.   

Amanda Kellie Andrews was known by many names, Mandy, Stinkerbell, Amanda Panda, Mandykins, and Amanda McGregor. Knowing Mandy, I like the name Jesus Christ used for a young girl such as her – damsel. But what we do know about Amanda was that she was born a princess, lived as a princess, and died a princess returning to her Heavenly Father, the king.     So who would have greeted the return of this princess, Grandma’s and Grandpa’s have preceded her into the next life and perhaps were there as family; but one of her most beloved caregivers was Walnut, her Anatolian shepard. Walnut the family pooch watched over her and loved her until the day he died.  She knew he loved her not only because of what he did, but he said so – he was somewhat famous for saying “ wi wuv wu.” He did that truly. And Mandy loved animals in return.  Spike, her little Chihuahua misses her terribly.  He always slept with her in bed hugged to the point of almost being unable to breath at times.  The thought was that if Mandy did not end up as a border agent or some security law enforcement, she would be a veterinarian   Her love of animals extended to all kinds except black widow spiders and mice.  Black widows and mice were banned, but all other insects and creatures were to be cared for.   Of course some of those creatures right up there with Spike and Walnut were her family and friends.  Mandy was the “glue” in her family.  She tied Rich and his daughter Breanna to Kristen and her daughter Lauren in a way no other could for she was a blood sister and daughter to all.  One thing I didn’t need to be told is that Amanda was a Daddy’s girl though more so of late she worked her magic on her mother, because Rich isn’t the fan of clothes shopping that Kristen is.  And Amanda being the fashionista that she was, was a great help to Mom and sister alike in avoiding fashion disasters.  Sophie, Amanda’s friend said that Amanda could take Sophie’s old cast off’s and make them look better on her then Sophie could with the new stuff.  This is the kind of sister you love to have around and I’ve heard Amanda, Lauren, and Breanna have been compared to the Kardashians though I can’t imagine the famous trio has the true love for each other this trio of ours has. As I think about it, I think she had many more than two sisters. She loved her two sisters. They fought like sisters, they loved like sisters.She looked up to her sisters. And she had more than one mom and dad. Dean was a second father and Mandy Judd was a second mother and I'm sure there are many others out there who consider her as a daughter or a sister.

Now Mandy was a people person and she was a loyal and devoted friend.  She loved the local Fiesta Carnival, just don’t eat before the rides she warned.  She loved the Monrovia street fair with friends.  She didn’t just love fries, she loved smiley face fries shared with friends, and chili fries too.  She loved food, which was hard for me to believe as petite as she was.  She was known to call her Mom even when she was working in Georgia when she was hungry.  Flaming hot Cheetos, dirt cups, In-n-out, cup of noodles were standard fare.  She liked people to put coins in the soda vending machine in her garage because she could keep the money. She loved to take pictures and she had an eye for beauty in this world. She was a mediator, a peacemaker who often seemed to end up in trouble herself.  So often she was there to make people smile, because she cared and was devoted just like Spike and Walnut.  Often I only saw the stoic side of her, the tough side, not a lot of emotion.  But she was her parents girl and carried some of their best traits inside her.  One of those traits was setting people straight when they went wrong.  She wanted to always set things right.  She was a hard worker and a good little business woman.  She didn’t mess around when it came to business.  But the business of going to school was not really her thing. She didn’t like school though I suppose friends made it somewhat bearable.  She liked being 10 minutes late to first period because then everyone had a friendly hello for her.  Of course being late for school wasn't quite the same as being late for early morning seminary, which wasn’t nearly as nice as skipping it all together and the same went for early Sunday church.  That is something she’ll probably have to work on in the next life where she is now – but she will have Walnut’s help.  

So for many of you that have known Amanda well, and for the many who now know her a little better now; what will be her legacy, what difference will this all make?  I think that if she were here she would say Be Smarter, CTR – Choose the Right and don’t make the same mistake I did.  She might also say be beautiful, be a friend, eat more smiley face fries, hug Spike for me, and give me a hug.  In return you can be sure she would give you a hug, and if you are lucky a cheek squeeze.  So be smart. C.T.R - Choose the Right so that someday many years hence in the next life she will thank you for letting her make a difference for the better in your life. I testify that Amanda Andrews lives and not just in our hearts. But she lives. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Song: He'll Carry You

Father's Comments: by Richard Andrews   
Good morning brothers and sisters. My family and I are humbled at the turn out today. We are humbled by the kind words, the support and loving arms from those who have expressed their condolences to us. I am humbled by those of you who have traveled far from the East coast, central plains, and southern states. That is the impact that Amanda had on your lives. When we delivered the news to friends, there was no hesitation from friends that lived far who came. 

As a father helping raising three girls it is my duty to lay the spiritual foundation in our home that will carry our children throughout their lives.  Success  is only known as our children mature into adults and start making their own life choices.  Shortly after Amanda's passing I struggled with the question.  Had we done enough? Had I given her the spiritual armor she needed, not only to get her through this mortal existence,  but to get her through the next?  The question gnawed at me and I resided to, at least under this life time, that I may never know the answer.    A day  after her passing my wife and I got the answer.  We were surprised to find that Amanda had started a blog last year. Although she only had only a few entries, one stood out and gave us some spiritual insight on Mandy.   

She wrote:     

Saturday started off great, but its crazy how a good night can turn into a bad one based of dumb decisions, that's just the way it goes  live and let learn . Brush it off, Have no fear. Even if I'm grounded at the moment and don't have my phone i'll get through it. There would be no learnin' now if everyone followed the rules and never went a couple steps off their road . 

But anywhoooo, Saturday... it was good minus all the late night yelling from my parents. It was good, went to the fiesta again. Aha... Tried my first cumquat it was pretty scrumptious. Went swimming with some friends, jumped on a trampoline for a little, and looked at the stars. Sooo cliche.   

Sunday, now its Sunday... Sundays will never ever be my day. Wake me up at 9:00 in the morning to go to church and look out. You are guaranteed to have one of the grumpiest, meanest, back talking teenagers in the LDS building. Yeah thats right, if you didn't know, I'm Mormon.  LDS isn't the actual name of the church its just shortened so we dont have to say "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints".  So if you're looking for a couple inspirational, personal, well-planned talks and some of the worlds GREATEST deserts, foods and some pretty nice people, you found the right place. And well if you didn't get the hint I'm in trouble right now and the one day I kinda payed attention in church they just happen to be singing a song called "Choose the Right" and the first line of the song is "Choose the right when a choice is placed before you". If only that song could pop into my head whenever I'm about to make some dumb decisions.   She also writes, and I think this was intended for her parents - another verse she learned in class:   But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you. She continues... it's crazy how some of the littlest words and quotes can change my perspective on things.  Well... leaving you with that, I'm off... gonna go enjoy my grounding that I am blessed to have on this four day weekend . (That was definitely scarcasm for those of you who dont understand me) GREAT -_______-  . . . Maybe i can convince my parents to take a little family trip to City Walk (:   

And she did.   

Occasionally I would have the opportunity to drop Amanda off at school or at a friends house or public area. I would always leave her with these three letters. CTR.  Short for three simple words. "Choose the Right".  Some days I would forget to say them, Amanda would turn to me as she exited the car and say "Well, aren't you forgetting something"?  She was a constant reminder to her friends and family to always be good. She didn't tolerate back talking... except when it's to her own parents. To those young men and young women who are here today to honor Amanda... Remember these three simple words. Carry them throughout everyday of your existence, when confronted with the pressures of being a teenager repeat them or ask yourself what would Jesus want me to do?   To my family I turn and say, Amanda was received from Gods hands to ours and from our hands we deliver her back to him. Amanda has set the bar high for us. Our family was sealed in the temple together for time and all eternity. The Lord promises that if we live worthily we will be reunited as a family.  So did we do it right?  I am proud to say YES WE DID! We raised a valiant young spirit.  

As her family and friends know all to well, Amanda was never known for keeping her room clean. As parents, we choose our battles wisely but when the mess would make its way out from her room to the dinning room, to the kitchen, hallway, living room and... well you get the point. I would come home and call out, "Amanda Kellie Andrews!" Mandy would stomp out of her room exclaiming, "Why are you calling me that name!?"  "Well that's your name." "No!" She would exclaim, "That's my angry name. You only call me that when I've done something wrong!" "Well Mandy the house is a mess." "Have i done something wrong?" No, I would say."  "Well then you need to find something else to call me when you want me to clean up." We would stand there staring at each other until one of us laughed.     Then I would ask,  "Mandy, can you please pick up your stuff?" She replied "sure." and then promptly turn around walk back into her room and shut the door.  She eventually cleaned up, but she would do it on her own terms.   

I would like to direct these next few comments to Amanda's friends and the multitude of youth who knew her, knew of her and have come here to pay their respects.  Amanda did not wake up last Wednesday with the intent on ending up here today.  What happened to Amanda that dreadful afternoon was that in a split second a choice was made. The consequence of that choice were unintended and permanent.  I know I may not look like it but at one time I was your age. I thought I was invincible, I looked at myself as Superman. Some of you may still see the resemblance. I remember a time shortly after the 210 fwy was completed, I was racing my friend on that near empty freeway from Covina to Tommie's burgers in Eagle Rock. At over 120 mph my friend starts to lose control of his vehicle. Luckily, he was able to regain Control and we safely made it to Tommie's. But I was struck by the reality of what nearly happened. A foolish choice made on that freeway almost led to some very dire consequences. I can go on with a myriad of these situations that both myself and other have experienced with some having tragic results. You are not super human. These vessels we call bodies are very fragile. You must protect them and keep them clean. If you were truly a friend of Amanda's you will honor her memory not by dwelling on this tragic incident, but by the example of her kind and indiscriminate nature.  No matter what your social circumstance, ethnicity, or popularity, Amanda was your friend. She was a defender of those who were picked on or bullied and she often got in trouble for stepping in the middle of a fight and trying to diffuse it.  Those were the school suspensions we were most proud of.  Be a friend to everyone, defend those that cannot defend themselves. Be kind. Find a way to make someone else smile.   I feel all of us are better people for having had the privilege to know her. As parents we are honored to have been given the opportunity to raise one of Heavenly Father's most choice daughters.  We will struggle to fill the chasm in our hearts created when she left us. But we know that we can turn to our father in heaven to help ease some of that burden. When Amanda was a baby we would sing her a church hymn called "Come, Come, Ye Saints".  Written by William Clayton in 1846 and this hymn was regarded as a 19th century anthem to Mormon pioneers and often sung by the saints on their journey west along the Mormon trail.  

The hymn reads:  

Come, come, ye saints, no toil nor labor fear; But with joy wend your way. Though hard to you this journey may appear, Grace shall be as your day. Tis better far for us to strive Our useless cares from us to drive; Do this, and joy your hearts will swell - All is well! All is well!   Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard? 'Tis not so; all is right. Why should we think to earn a great reward If we now shun the fight? Gird up your loins; fresh courage take. Our God will never us forsake; And soon we'll have this tale to tell- All is well! All is well!   We'll find the place which God for us prepared, Far away, in the West, Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid; There the saints, will be blessed. We'll make the air, with music ring, Shout praises to our God and King; Above the rest these words we'll tell - All is well! All is well!   And should we die before our journey's through, Happy day! All is well! We then are free from toil and sorrow, too; With the just we shall dwell! But if our lives are spared again, To see the Saints their rest obtain, Oh, how we'll make this chorus swell - All is well! All is well!   

This hymn would magically put Amanda to sleep within minutes. As a baby we would just hum it to her. It calmed her so much that if she heard It start to be sung, she would cry out "No... Not that song!" and then quickly fall asleep. Church missionaries and family friends would sing it to her just so they could watch her reaction. It was if she was hypnotized. Sleep would always ensue before the first verse was over. About a month ago, while  sitting in a recliner chair and Amanda climbed in my lap to cuddle. I started humming the song and within minutes her body relaxed and she had fallen asleep. Now, as the saints of old, Amanda too rest from her toils here on earth in the arms of her Heavenly Father. We would like to play this song for you with hopes that as with Amanda,  you to may find peace.  But don't go to sleep!   I leave you these words in Jesus  name. Amen

Song: Come, Come Ye Saints

The Plan of Salvation - Given by Michael Miller

I'm grateful to be here and the opportunity to speak to you today at this memorial service for Mandy Andrews. I'm grateful for your presence. Your presence here today is a wonderful expression of love to Mandy and her family. I'm grateful for the spirit that's, or Rich's words and everything that has been said. I pray that the spirit will be with us for a moment that I may provide a little direction and give some comfort for those of us who may be experiencing some questions about this life and the ever after. 

Allow me to start from the beginning... God is the father of our spirits. We are literally His children and he loved us. We lived with our father in heaven before we were born on this earth. We were not like our Heavenly Father, nor could we become like Him without the experience of living in mortality with a physical body. God's whole purpose, his work and his glory, is to enable each of us to enjoy all of his blessings. He provided a perfect plan to accomplish this purpose. In the scriptures, God's plan is called "The Merciful Plan",  "The Plan of Happiness", "The Plan of Redemption", and the "Plan of Salvation". The essence of the plan was that man would have to opportunity of working out his own salvation with God's help. In Job, it says that when we heard about this plan, we were so excited that we "shouted for joy". All of God's children who have lived, who are currently living, and will yet live on earth choose to follow this plan in our pre-mortal state. Jesus Christ is central to God's plan. Through his atonement, Jesus Christ fulfilled his fathers plan made it possible for each of us to enjoy immortality. He wants every one of his children to find peace in this life and a fullness of joy in his presence after this life. He wants us to become more like him. 

Under the direction of the Father, Jesus Christ created the earth as place for us to live and gain experience. In order to progress and become like God, each of us had to obtain a body and be tested during a time of probation on earth. While we are here on earth, we are out of God's presence. We do not remember our pre-earth life. We must walk by faith, rather than by sight. The triumph of Jesus Christ over spiritual death by his suffering and over his physical death by his resurrection, is called The Atonement. Christ promises to forgive our sins on the condition that we accept him by exercising faith in him, repenting, receiving baptism by immersion  and the laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost, and striving faithfully to keep his commandments. Through continuing repentance, we may obtain forgiveness and be cleansed of our sins by the power  of the Holy Ghost. We are relieved of our guilt and shame and through Jesus Christ we become worthy to return to the presence of God. As we rely on the atonement of Jesus Christ, he can help us endure our trials, our sicknesses, and pain. We can be filled with joy, peace, and consolation. All that is unfair about life can be made right through the atonement of Jesus Christ. And then our spirit leaves our body and goes to the spirit world, a place of preparation, learning, and resting from care and sorrow. Alma the prophet said, "Now, concerning the ^astate of the soul between ^bdeath and the resurrection—Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are ^ctaken ^dhome to that God who gave them life." 

The spirit world is a wonderful place where you will be reunited with your family members who have passed away. As it has been said, Mandy is probably playing with Walnut now. I'm just wondering if he can say, "I love you" just a little better now or if he says it just the same. Her personality is the same. She still has her favorite colors, she still has her favorite songs, she still has that wonderful smile. In the spirit world, the gospel is preached to those who did not fully understand the gospel or  did not have the opportunity to hear it while here on earth. We our bodies and spirits are reunited in the resurrection we will be brought back to each other. When it is our time to stand before God, we do not stand alone. Can you imagine being all alone before God and pleading our case? Luckily we are appointed an advocate to stand with us. That advocate is Jesus Christ. The Savior pleads our case for mercy. He is the champion of our cause as no other can be. 

I'm going to read a little about the words of Christ as he was recorded, about the way and words he used when he pleads our case.  The Savior pleads for the spiritual lives of his spiritual children. Not because of their own worthiness, but because of the Savior's sacrifice, they will be spared. This is the Son's plea to the Father as recorded in the Doctrine and Covenants: 

“Father, behold the sufferings and death of him who did no sin, in whom thou wast well pleased; behold the blood of thy Son which was shed, the blood of him whom thou gavest that thyself might be glorified; “Wherefore, Father, spare these my brethren that believe on my name, that they may come unto me and have everlasting life.”¹

Brother Mcallister, in his book The Infinite Atonement, mentions that there may be yet another reason for advocacy, particularly Christ's: It brings about the spiritual bonding through Christ and his children that could not be achieved in any other way. It is the thread that knits our hearts and souls together. Who among us could watch him plead our case with fervent passion, listen to him rehearse the grueling events of Gethsemane, hear his expressions of unbridled love, and not feel a spiritual kinship with him?

As a result of the Saviors Atonement an advocacy, at the judgement day, when the eternal fate of all hangs in the balance, the Savior will stand "betwixt them and justice"(Mosiah 15:9). He will make the "intercession for the children of men" (Mosiah 15:8) He will plead the perfect balance between mercy and justice. He will be Mandy's advocate. He will be our advocate and our hope and salvation. 

It is my testimony that Jesus is our personal savior and that through him we can find hope, joy, and peace. Christ himself said, "Peace I leave with you. My peace I give unto you. Not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled. Neither let it be afraid." 

It is my prayer that we might be able to find this peace. Today and every day. I look forward to the time that we can all give Mandy a hug. And I leave this with you in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Song: Stay With Me by Michael McLean 

Closing Remarks - Given by Bishop James Stevenson
Brothers and sisters we have been taught the gospel here today through music and word. In closing, I would like to share with you, I've been asked by the family to read a poem written by Amanda's mother. It's entitled "Carry On, Carry On" - They gave it to me because they thought I could be emotional.

I can’t tell you how much I miss your laughter
And those teasing names that said you loved me too
You bugged me so much about cutting my hair
So it is short again just for you
I know I yelled because you would take my clothes,
But if you were here now they would all be yours
I would give up anything... Do anything
To have you here with me once more

Don’t cry Lauren,
I am not gone
Carry on sister,
Carry on, carry on 

When you were little I carried you every where
Until it drove you nuts and you'd push me away
The older we got the closer we became
I loved it when you would ask me to come stay
Remember how we wrote funny poems back and forth
And you said I smelled like moldy afghan goat cheese?
You always had the best sense of humor
Won't you come back to me please?

Don’t cry Breanna,
I am not gone
Carry on sister,
Carry on, carry on

Your friends and other family have been here sharing their memories with us
Eating smiley face fries on the roof in the sun
Jamming to your favorite "gangster" music each day
Going to the trail for a walk or run
Sleepovers and pillow fights, make-up, clothes, and boys
They share treasured secrets that bring us comfort and joy
Teachers and friends you haven't seen for awhile
Have all sent the most beautiful comments about you
You touched so many, many lives for good
We know you will live on in everything they do

Don’t cry loved ones,
I am not gone
Carry on friends,
Carry on, carry on

I've been so blessed to be your father
To have the Lord trust me with your care
I'll always cherish our road trips with the Judd's and Dean
Your cuddle chambers, chili fries requests, and bedtime prayers
Now when I think of you, I smile
Though my heart is aching from the pain
I go on because I know you would want me to
But living without you just isn’t the same
Desperately clinging to every memory of you
I think of how you touched our lives in so many ways
You visit me in my dreams at night
But I can never make you stay

Don’t cry daddy,
I am not gone
Carry on daddy,
Carry on, carry on

I sit in your empty room at night
Dreaming dreams that will never be.
Surrounded by all the things you loved,
For they bring you nearer to me.
I hug your pillow close to my heart,
Just a hint of perfume lingers from your shampoo.
I remember all the time we spent cuddling together.
Oh sweet girl, I will always love you.
I long for those precious moments again,
Yes, I know I’ll have them back in time
Until then I have my beautiful memories of you
And your skinny hugging arms wrapped around mine.

Don’t cry momma,
I am not gone
Carry on momma,
Carry on, carry on

I sit here by Heavenly Father’s side
Rubbing my hands through Walnuts soft fur
Jesus said He will watch over you now
And send you the spirit as a comforter
The angels sing me "Come, Come Ye Saints"
When I want to feel you near
And when you say your prayers at night
They always let me hear

So don’t cry family,
I am not gone
Carry on family,
Carry on, Carry on

We may be asking ourselves how do we carry on? I know that it is through our faith and our hope in Christ that he sends his spirit of peace to help us through these difficult times. I've seen that evident in the Andrew's home as I've been there and felt the spirit there and know that they've been comforted. I know that our savior is helping them carry on, but I want you to know that each of you is an influence and comfort to them as they struggle to make it through this time of sorrow and they are much appreciative of you and your prayers. I want you to know that that I have confidence, a strong faith, and hope of Christ. I have a testimony of the gospel. That I know that He lives and that through his atonement, and through his sacrifice for us we can make our way back to heavenly father. That is his great gift to us. He came to this earth to set an example for us. As we strive to live his commandments and to follow him, we will make our way back in to Heavenly Father's presence. I know that God lives. And that he is our heavenly father and Jesus Christ is his son, the savior of the world who atoned for our sins. And that through his resurrection, we all will be resurrected again. The end of our mortal life is not the end of our existence. We will carry on beyond the veil and progress. I pray that we will all feel comfort through the spirit of christ. That our pains will be eased as we continue to remember Amanda. As we remember her life and how she influenced us. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen

We thank those who have participated in this service today. Those who spoke and those who have shared their talents. We will conclude these services by singing "God Be With You Until We Meet Again".

Song: God Be With You Till We Meet Again

A Father’s Kiss - In loving memory of Jessica Iris Motzkus

Her Father holds her in His loving arms,

And with a kiss He lets her go.

He sends his beloved daughter down,

To her family waiting below.

He knows that they will love her,

And take care of her fragile heart.

The temple bond He sealed them in,

Promises they will never truly part.

His Father’s intuition reminds Him

How faith can be shaken when in rough seas,

So He blows kisses from the heavens

To etch her smile forever in their memories.

A family kneels in prayer together.

Hearts breaking as they try to comprehend.

How the love and joy they shared with her,

Could come so abruptly to an end.

He tries His best to comfort them,

Somehow hoping to lighten their load.

The bonds of eternity begin to strengthen,

As she prepares their castle at the end of their road.

She sits, perfected, by His side,

As He watches the scene below.

Her father holds her in his loving arms,

And with a kiss he lets her go.

Kristen Andrews 6/16/04