Borrowed Time

1992

We walk through life on borrowed time
Precious gifts sent from above.
Blessed we are to have the chance 
To fill someone else's heart with love.
And though sharing our hearts is a beautiful act, 
It is a also a difficult one people say.
Because we know there will come a time
When our love will be carried away.
The hardest part of living on borrowed time
Is trying not to keep asking "Why?"
And learning to accept the fact
That one day we must all say good-bye.
Remember in times when you feel alone
To trust in your memories to carry you through.
Let your heart gain strength in knowing, 
There are angels watching over you.

The Slow Dance of Grief

My sweet friend, who recently lost her husband after a long battle with a terminal illness, sent me a text. In it she asked "Does the pain ever go away?"  Having lived with my own grief for almost two years now, I answered her as I wish someone would had me. I said...

Honestly... The pain of losing someone never goes away. You just learn how to manage it. It's like an uninvited guest who sits quietly... waiting for you to acknowledge its presence. In the beginning it climbs all over you like a cranky two year old who can't be satisfied... no matter how much you coddle it, or pray for it to be still and let you rest. 

Each breath you take will leave you aching for more... Like you never have enough air to fill you up. You become numb and wonder what matters and what doesn't. You struggle to feel anything, even though you also feel everything so intensely. Your life will be split into time frames of remembrance. Your life when you felt complete and everything was good... Even when it wasn't. The day you lost your love. And the day after when you stepped into your new life of having to live physically apart. 

Then one day you realize in a strange moment that it hasn't begged you to hold it or cry with it for a few hours and you feel a little guilty because you actually feel relieved to not have to entertain it. Sometimes you feel obligated to dance a slow painful and unfamiliar dance with this unwanted partner. He pushes you backwards as you step on his toes. Over time, you learn the dance. Eventually you gain quiet strength and you tell your guest... "It's time for me to take the lead. I will dance with you and I will hold you close to my heart, but I will set the pace and melody."

Slowly... You start to heal. You can say their name without people flinching in sadness. You find yourself loving more deeply and forgiving more freely. Your memories become a beautiful song that plays gently in the background of your life, like the soundtrack of your heart. Sometimes, like during holidays and special anniversary dates, the music will blast in your head until you learn that it's okay to turn it down again. It never really stops playing. You never stop hearing it, but it softens and becomes your partner. The pain... Just like the music or the unwanted guest is truly always there. You just learn to lead it in your own dance. Somehow... All that emptiness is slowly filled with hope for the future and the knowledge that you will be together again. 

Green Blades of Grass

I lay here on this solid ground

In the spot you were laid to rest

Your body lies underneath me

But your soul lives in my chest

I place my hand upon the earth

Green blades run between my fingers

I try to clear my mind of thoughts

But the memory of you lingers

Flowers left beside your grave

Tell me others think of you too

We all know deep inside our hearts

This place is not where we will find you

Those places where we laughed together

Before you went away

Those are the places we will find you

Those are where your memory stays

And when we need to know you're near

A breeze will brush our cheek

Kisses from the heavens

For the words we can not speak

A hummingbird will share its joy

A star will shine brightly from above

A strangers smile will catch our eyes

And fill our hearts will love

God will send us subtle signs

To comfort us throughout our day

We must learn to find the beauty

In each gift He sends our way

Time can not separate us

Nor can this earth keep us apart

Green blades of grass between my fingers

Your life's song plays in my heart

For my daughter Amanda Kellie Andrews

Six Months...

It's hard to believe I have made it through 6 months without holding your little skinny body. Or having you purposely grind your bony butt in my lap after I scratched your back for a while. It's strange not smelling nail polish and nail polish remover every single day as I pass by your old room or the kitchen counter. Lauren just bought 25 new nail polish colors so I think she going to try and bring that Mandy smell back :) it's weird getting ready in the morning and not fighting over rug and mirror space with you. Lauren tries to hog the space, but eventually her nice side kicks in and she scoots over. I swear I can still hear your heavy footsteps pounding the floor of the hall. How could someone so tiny sound like freaking Bigfoot? 

If you were physically here with us I think you would like helping with your Amanda Panda Choose The Right foundation. It gets pretty tiring cutting pledge cards and wrapping wristbands, but it is also very rewarding. You would know just the right things to say to kids who leave us messages about how they are struggling. When I respond to them I never really feel like its me responding, but your voice through me. So thank you for staying with me and helping me out. 

I have to be honest and say when I had my surgery last month I was a little disappointed that nothing went wrong. If I could have just left this world for one short moment so I could see your face again and hold you in my arms, if even for a minute, it would have been all I needed. But no... I had an amazing surgeon and everything went perfectly well!

Shopping hasn't been any fun for me since you left us. I miss playing phone tag in the mall with you and your friends and hearing you tell them to stay close to me or I would be out of your sight within seconds making you try and find me by calling my phone to hear my ringtone. Now i just wander around aimlessly for a while and usually leave without buying a thing.  All I see and think is "that would look good on Amanda" and I want to buy it for you as a surprise because you loved surprises and they always made you smile and you would reward me with a big hug. 

Wow... Writing the word hug just made my eyes start to pour. I can't begin to tell you how much I miss our daily hugs. How you and Lauren would make a sandwich out of me in a hug and you would finish by grabbing my butt and Lauren would grab my chechees. I miss those silly poems you and Breanna would write back and forth and how you would spam her with a 100 text messages in one hour just because you were bored. I miss seeing the three of you hanging out in the kitchen or having girl talks in one of your rooms. I miss hearing your dad say " I bet I know what will make her smile!" when you were having a bad day and it didn't matter how grumpy you were, you would always grin from ear to ear when he pulled out his wallet and gave you a twenty. You were so stubborn too. Remember when your dad said something like "Amanda don't be stupid" so you didn't talk to him for two whole weeks until he apologized (and gave you a twenty).

I'm so glad you liked taking pictures of yourself because we have so many beautiful photos to look at now. My favorites are when your friends share some random picture or video we haven't seen before. Especially if you are talking  in it because I miss the sound of your voice so much. Nothing replaces the most beautiful image of you live and in person though. That's the one I really need. Sometimes I just close my eyes and picture you coming to lay on me or next to me to cuddle. I can feel the weight of your little body and the heat from your skin as you sink in next to me. I lay there and smell the scent from your freshly washed hair. It's wet against my skin, but I just gently move it to the side a little. Those are the memories I want to remember. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the memories of your angel day and my mind wants to replay every moment, every phone call, every hug, tear shed, and every last image. Then I try and drown out those thoughts with a sweet smile of yours instead or I have a good cry in my car or my office with my door closed, or at home in the bathtub/shower where the tears can run into the water. I just let it out and then I take a deep breath (and sometimes an anxiety pill). I quiet the voices in my head and listen gently for the one voice that will bring me comfort. The Lord has been good to me Amanda. He has wrapped His loving arms around me and allowed your arms to continue to circle me too so that I can have the strength to face each day without you physically here. We always said that you were the glue that bonded us together and now you are the glue that holds us together because we all want to be the best versions of ourselves for you. We have grown closer as a family and you are to thank for that. I know you are still with us. I feel you with us all the time. When your friends hang out at the house, I think they feel you there too.

We had such a great time celebrating your 17th birthday by singing you happy birthday at the cemetery with a large group of your friends and some adorable panda bear cupcakes that we made,  then we brought them back to the house for taco night two.

We made everyone come to our house this year for Christmas. I know you were there sitting around that table with us, smiling because you had everybody here in your favorite dwelling spot, surrounded  by tons of love.  I found that when you surround yourself with people who bring you joy that its hard t feel like you should be sad. I am so grateful for all of your friends (now our friends) who take the time to remember us. Who leave me random messages and check in with me to let me know they are doing okay. I appreciate even more though the trust they place in me when their hearts and minds are fragile and they reach out to me because they just need someone to listen and encourage them to keep going. Some of your friends come over just for hugs! I love that!

Your dads been talking about moving to a newer home that wouldn't require as much upkeep. I'm not a fan of the idea because we have so many memories of you growing up here, but I know we can take those memories with us where ever we go and that your spirit will come with us too if we ever make the move. Alyssa cried when she heard he wanted to move. I promised that we would stay here until they graduate from school so she and Ashten can keep coming over during the week to hang out. Alyssa keeps eating all the empanadas so its kind of like you are still here! 

While I don't think any of us will ever get over the sad days, we will get through them. I know we will because you will always be there to help us my little hummingbird (that hummingbird reference will have to be a whole blog post of its own! Your dad thinks I'm the crazy bird lady, but I don't care because it brings me joy) 

Well Stinkerbell... Give Walnut, Nana, Robin, grandpa Jack & George,grandma Helen, grandma Lola, my friend Robbie, Aliah, and baby J'Lynn a hug for me. I will always love you with all my heart. I know 6 months is nothing compared to the years we have left until we are no longer separated, but I'm going to try and just take one breath and one day at a time until I see you again. Thank you for the strength you give us to carry on. I love you baby girl. Forever and ever, to the moon and back, billions and billions Carl Sagan Gee Paw. 

Love mama

What do YOU want?

No one wants to think about getting sick or making end of life decisions for themselves or someone they love, but getting sick happens and death will eventually happen too. Questions about how you want to live your life, what kind of care you would like to receive, and the extent of what measures are to be taken on your behalf should be addressed while you are healthy and alert, not in a moment of desperation or left to family to determine what YOU would want. 

I have always been a strong believer that we should be the ones in control of our health care. Years ago, when I worked on the Health Plan side of KP, I would go present at health fairs and employer events. I would talk to employees about why they should choose Kaiser Permanente and how to navigate this big system of ours. I would always tell them that if they have a bad experience, they need to let us know about it by contacting member services. If they don't feel like they connect with the provider they were assigned, they can ask to switch to someone else. This is THEIR health plan and they must have a voice in the care they receive. I've also wondered why we haven't made Advance Directives part of our enrollment packet. Some may argue that it sets a tone of "you might die with us", but I think it can be approached it a way that says, "We want YOU to help us make these very important decisions. Tells us how you want us to care for you." 

When my late grandmother was in her 80's, she and I became pen pals. Writing letters back and forth became a weekly thing. As her health slowly deteriorated, her letters included words to me about how she wanted the end of her life to be handled. She did not want drastic measures taken on her behalf. She was quite clear that she did not want to be put on life support or have her life prolonged if the quality of life was poor. She had already arranged for a plot next to my cousin where she wanted her cremated ashes to be buried and reminded me of that in almost every letter. My grandmother lived until she was almost 98 years old. She had a high quality life and wanted to leave this world with grace and dignity. When my aunt wanted to hold on to her even longer by requesting extreme efforts by her medical team, I was able to provide the advance directive that my grandmother had given me and my nana's wishes were respected and upheld. Those letters and that advance directive gave me and my sisters the peace of mind we needed to make the right decisions for my grandmother in a time when the heart begs you to do something completely different. 

When our daughter Amanda was 12 years old she was very ill and spent six months of her 7th grade year in and out of the hospital. One day I came home from work and her older sister came to me in a panic because Amanda had written a will. My heart skipped a beat to think my 12 year old daughter thought she was going to die. I went to talk to her about it and she looked at me with surprise and laughed and said, "Mom... don't you know that you are supposed to write your will when you are healthy? The people on TV said it's called a Living Will and you should have one so people know what to do with you and your stuff." With a deep sigh, I realized my daughter, who had become a tv infomercial addict during her illness, had the clarity and insight that most adults don't think to have. She understood the concept of "letting people know your wishes". 

When she passed away away at the age of 16, her sisters and I reread every word she had written. Her clothes were to go to her friends - if we could find someone who could fit in to her 00 pants - she added with a smiley face. She wanted her dog to go to her sister Breanna (who politely said we could keep him). Her make-up and nail polish collection to her sister Lauren Her music to her cousins. In a final note to her dad and I our then 12 year old daughter wrote "Dear mom and dad... Enjoy the memories and my stuffed bunny". This took a huge weight off my shoulders, because I knew what my daughter would want us to do. We called over a couple of her 'tiny' friends and had them do their back to school shopping in Amanda's closet. Amanda, being an extreme fashionista, had an amazing wardrobe and she was able to bless her friends who weren't financially able to go back to school shopping on their own. I was able to release her belongings with the assurance that I have truly been left with the most beautiful memories and that those are more important than any material goods. 

Amanda also taught me another lesson about the importance of making your wishes known. At sixteen years old with one month left to go before she could get her drivers license, Amanda went with her dad to DMV so her older sister, Breanna, took her drivers test. Amanda saw Breanna filling out an Organ Donor card and asked what that meant. Breanna and her dad explained that it means when you die, you are offering to give some of your organs to others so they can live or improve the quality of their life. Amanda, without any hesitation, asked if she could sign up. Once again, she made her wishes clear. So, after learning of her death our family was able to act without hesitation. We knew what she would want. 

I realize that Advanced Directives are not the same as writing a will or becoming an organ donor, but the concept is the same. It is about making your wishes clear and letting others know what YOU want to happen to YOU. I believe, it is one of the kindest things you can do for your loved ones because you take away the guilt of having to make those tough decisions. It provides peace of mind for those who may be left to act on your behalf because they know you and what you want. So I leave you with this thought... Are you prepared? Have you made your wishes known? What do YOU want?

Serving a Mission

July 29th
Rich and I went to church today at the Arcadia Foothill building so we could hear the daughters of our friends give farewell talks. One of the girls, Lauren, is going to BYU and her older sister, Cammie, is leaving to serve a mission in South Carolina. I used to tell Rich there was no way I could every be apart from one of our girls for 18 months while they served a mission. How could I go through my day without hearing their voice or being hugged by my girls? In fact, until we went to temple and were sealed to our daughters for time and all eternity, I would experience ocassional panic attacks. Knowing that we were sealed together forever took away those terrifying moments. Now my little girl is off serving a mission. Not in the Carolina's somewhere or in some foreign country where a second language is necessary to communicate, but she is serving a mission on the other side of the veil for her heavenly father. Having watched the reactions of friends and family to Amanda's passing and the Choose The Right message that was shared during her service being carried forward, I am certain that Amanda has impacted and changed many lives for the good. Still... I selfishly wish our separation was only to be for a short 18 months, and when she has finished her mission she will return to earthly home for us to raise her. 


People keep asking me how I'm doing. My typical response to that question BEFORE Amanda's death would have been "good" or "great", but now all I can think of is "I'm hanging in". The truth is most of the time I do feel good because of the comfort the Lord and Amanda have been sending.  Sometimes I actually feel guilty for not grieving more. I can hold it all together most of the time because I find myself taking each breath, each minute, each moment, each hour, each day, and each night as they come. I can manage if I keep living in the now. It's those desperate glances towards the future that throw me off... moments when the reality of not seeing my little girl until the next phase of our lives that sends my heart racing in panic and desperation. I ache so much from the loss of her physical being next to mine. Tonight as I made preparations for our Sunday night family dinner with our girls and their boyfriends, I felt that now familiar and unwanted panic creeping up on me, stealing away my strength. I kept thinking, "this dinner table should be set for 7 people(or 8 if Amanda's boyfriend also came), not six. We should be fighting over who has to sit in the oddball chair." There is an awkwardness about my life now. Hovering on the border of who I was before July 11th, who I am now, and who I am to become. As I sink in to this new life without one of my greatest lifes blessings, I find myself wondering where this new journey will take me. Will I make her proud of how I respond to this new way of living... without her?


Eventually, I know that people will move on with their lives. The condolence cards will stop coming. Her friends won't forget her, but they will have days when she isn't the first and last thing they think about. They will have nights when they dont feel the need to cry themselves to sleep. They will find joy and laughter in the simple beauty of life and live as though she were living through them. Will those days come for our family too?  As much as I want to always remember her, I don't want it to always hurt to remember.


Amanda is serving a new mission now. One I know she didn't plan on serving for many, many years. Life is what it is though. There is no magic spell, wand, or fairy dust to change the outcome or our new circumstances. When people ask me how many daughters I have, I will always say "THREE!" with love and pride in my heart. Two that are with us, and one that is serving a mission for the Lord.

Amanda's Memorial Service 7-18-2012

We have been asked by many if we could share the comments given at Amanda's memorial service for those that weren't able to attend and those that just want to remember the beautiful spirit that was felt there. We are fortunate that a dear friend made a voice recording of her service so I have transcribed it here and will eventually get that transferred here as well. 

As always, we appreciate your support.  Thank you for loving us through our loss. We are overwhelmed with the outpouring of love from the over 1000 people that attended her memorial service and that continue to be part of our lives.  May you remember Amanda for the beauty she shared. How she loved and was loved by all. Remember her message... Live wisely. Love deeply. Laugh often. Cherish life and always, always... Choose the Right.

Amanda Andrews  - Eulogy  Given by Walter Steimle
As a friend I also search my heart and think what could I have done to make a difference to change the circumstances?  I realize accidents can happen, things don’t go as we expect.  Yet we here may still agonize over the question, “what if?”  For me relief from that agonizing question has come through Jesus Christ who suffered all things that we might not suffer.  And I trust the same is true for Amanda Andrews.  

We just sang “Each Life That touches Ours for Good” which was chosen by Amanda’s family, let me pick out some lines that particularly apply to Mandy.

“Each life that touches ours for good…
What greater gift doest thou bestow, what greater goodness can we know
Than Christ-like friends, whose gentle ways... Strengthen our faith, enrich our days
When such a friend from us departs, we hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory, Bringing us nearer, Lord to thee.   

Amanda Kellie Andrews was known by many names, Mandy, Stinkerbell, Amanda Panda, Mandykins, and Amanda McGregor. Knowing Mandy, I like the name Jesus Christ used for a young girl such as her – damsel. But what we do know about Amanda was that she was born a princess, lived as a princess, and died a princess returning to her Heavenly Father, the king.     So who would have greeted the return of this princess, Grandma’s and Grandpa’s have preceded her into the next life and perhaps were there as family; but one of her most beloved caregivers was Walnut, her Anatolian shepard. Walnut the family pooch watched over her and loved her until the day he died.  She knew he loved her not only because of what he did, but he said so – he was somewhat famous for saying “ wi wuv wu.” He did that truly. And Mandy loved animals in return.  Spike, her little Chihuahua misses her terribly.  He always slept with her in bed hugged to the point of almost being unable to breath at times.  The thought was that if Mandy did not end up as a border agent or some security law enforcement, she would be a veterinarian   Her love of animals extended to all kinds except black widow spiders and mice.  Black widows and mice were banned, but all other insects and creatures were to be cared for.   Of course some of those creatures right up there with Spike and Walnut were her family and friends.  Mandy was the “glue” in her family.  She tied Rich and his daughter Breanna to Kristen and her daughter Lauren in a way no other could for she was a blood sister and daughter to all.  One thing I didn’t need to be told is that Amanda was a Daddy’s girl though more so of late she worked her magic on her mother, because Rich isn’t the fan of clothes shopping that Kristen is.  And Amanda being the fashionista that she was, was a great help to Mom and sister alike in avoiding fashion disasters.  Sophie, Amanda’s friend said that Amanda could take Sophie’s old cast off’s and make them look better on her then Sophie could with the new stuff.  This is the kind of sister you love to have around and I’ve heard Amanda, Lauren, and Breanna have been compared to the Kardashians though I can’t imagine the famous trio has the true love for each other this trio of ours has. As I think about it, I think she had many more than two sisters. She loved her two sisters. They fought like sisters, they loved like sisters.She looked up to her sisters. And she had more than one mom and dad. Dean was a second father and Mandy Judd was a second mother and I'm sure there are many others out there who consider her as a daughter or a sister.

Now Mandy was a people person and she was a loyal and devoted friend.  She loved the local Fiesta Carnival, just don’t eat before the rides she warned.  She loved the Monrovia street fair with friends.  She didn’t just love fries, she loved smiley face fries shared with friends, and chili fries too.  She loved food, which was hard for me to believe as petite as she was.  She was known to call her Mom even when she was working in Georgia when she was hungry.  Flaming hot Cheetos, dirt cups, In-n-out, cup of noodles were standard fare.  She liked people to put coins in the soda vending machine in her garage because she could keep the money. She loved to take pictures and she had an eye for beauty in this world. She was a mediator, a peacemaker who often seemed to end up in trouble herself.  So often she was there to make people smile, because she cared and was devoted just like Spike and Walnut.  Often I only saw the stoic side of her, the tough side, not a lot of emotion.  But she was her parents girl and carried some of their best traits inside her.  One of those traits was setting people straight when they went wrong.  She wanted to always set things right.  She was a hard worker and a good little business woman.  She didn’t mess around when it came to business.  But the business of going to school was not really her thing. She didn’t like school though I suppose friends made it somewhat bearable.  She liked being 10 minutes late to first period because then everyone had a friendly hello for her.  Of course being late for school wasn't quite the same as being late for early morning seminary, which wasn’t nearly as nice as skipping it all together and the same went for early Sunday church.  That is something she’ll probably have to work on in the next life where she is now – but she will have Walnut’s help.  

So for many of you that have known Amanda well, and for the many who now know her a little better now; what will be her legacy, what difference will this all make?  I think that if she were here she would say Be Smarter, CTR – Choose the Right and don’t make the same mistake I did.  She might also say be beautiful, be a friend, eat more smiley face fries, hug Spike for me, and give me a hug.  In return you can be sure she would give you a hug, and if you are lucky a cheek squeeze.  So be smart. C.T.R - Choose the Right so that someday many years hence in the next life she will thank you for letting her make a difference for the better in your life. I testify that Amanda Andrews lives and not just in our hearts. But she lives. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Song: He'll Carry You

Father's Comments: by Richard Andrews   
Good morning brothers and sisters. My family and I are humbled at the turn out today. We are humbled by the kind words, the support and loving arms from those who have expressed their condolences to us. I am humbled by those of you who have traveled far from the East coast, central plains, and southern states. That is the impact that Amanda had on your lives. When we delivered the news to friends, there was no hesitation from friends that lived far who came. 

As a father helping raising three girls it is my duty to lay the spiritual foundation in our home that will carry our children throughout their lives.  Success  is only known as our children mature into adults and start making their own life choices.  Shortly after Amanda's passing I struggled with the question.  Had we done enough? Had I given her the spiritual armor she needed, not only to get her through this mortal existence,  but to get her through the next?  The question gnawed at me and I resided to, at least under this life time, that I may never know the answer.    A day  after her passing my wife and I got the answer.  We were surprised to find that Amanda had started a blog last year. Although she only had only a few entries, one stood out and gave us some spiritual insight on Mandy.   

She wrote:     

Saturday started off great, but its crazy how a good night can turn into a bad one based of dumb decisions, that's just the way it goes  live and let learn . Brush it off, Have no fear. Even if I'm grounded at the moment and don't have my phone i'll get through it. There would be no learnin' now if everyone followed the rules and never went a couple steps off their road . 

But anywhoooo, Saturday... it was good minus all the late night yelling from my parents. It was good, went to the fiesta again. Aha... Tried my first cumquat it was pretty scrumptious. Went swimming with some friends, jumped on a trampoline for a little, and looked at the stars. Sooo cliche.   

Sunday, now its Sunday... Sundays will never ever be my day. Wake me up at 9:00 in the morning to go to church and look out. You are guaranteed to have one of the grumpiest, meanest, back talking teenagers in the LDS building. Yeah thats right, if you didn't know, I'm Mormon.  LDS isn't the actual name of the church its just shortened so we dont have to say "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints".  So if you're looking for a couple inspirational, personal, well-planned talks and some of the worlds GREATEST deserts, foods and some pretty nice people, you found the right place. And well if you didn't get the hint I'm in trouble right now and the one day I kinda payed attention in church they just happen to be singing a song called "Choose the Right" and the first line of the song is "Choose the right when a choice is placed before you". If only that song could pop into my head whenever I'm about to make some dumb decisions.   She also writes, and I think this was intended for her parents - another verse she learned in class:   But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you. She continues... it's crazy how some of the littlest words and quotes can change my perspective on things.  Well... leaving you with that, I'm off... gonna go enjoy my grounding that I am blessed to have on this four day weekend . (That was definitely scarcasm for those of you who dont understand me) GREAT -_______-  . . . Maybe i can convince my parents to take a little family trip to City Walk (:   

And she did.   

Occasionally I would have the opportunity to drop Amanda off at school or at a friends house or public area. I would always leave her with these three letters. CTR.  Short for three simple words. "Choose the Right".  Some days I would forget to say them, Amanda would turn to me as she exited the car and say "Well, aren't you forgetting something"?  She was a constant reminder to her friends and family to always be good. She didn't tolerate back talking... except when it's to her own parents. To those young men and young women who are here today to honor Amanda... Remember these three simple words. Carry them throughout everyday of your existence, when confronted with the pressures of being a teenager repeat them or ask yourself what would Jesus want me to do?   To my family I turn and say, Amanda was received from Gods hands to ours and from our hands we deliver her back to him. Amanda has set the bar high for us. Our family was sealed in the temple together for time and all eternity. The Lord promises that if we live worthily we will be reunited as a family.  So did we do it right?  I am proud to say YES WE DID! We raised a valiant young spirit.  

As her family and friends know all to well, Amanda was never known for keeping her room clean. As parents, we choose our battles wisely but when the mess would make its way out from her room to the dinning room, to the kitchen, hallway, living room and... well you get the point. I would come home and call out, "Amanda Kellie Andrews!" Mandy would stomp out of her room exclaiming, "Why are you calling me that name!?"  "Well that's your name." "No!" She would exclaim, "That's my angry name. You only call me that when I've done something wrong!" "Well Mandy the house is a mess." "Have i done something wrong?" No, I would say."  "Well then you need to find something else to call me when you want me to clean up." We would stand there staring at each other until one of us laughed.     Then I would ask,  "Mandy, can you please pick up your stuff?" She replied "sure." and then promptly turn around walk back into her room and shut the door.  She eventually cleaned up, but she would do it on her own terms.   

I would like to direct these next few comments to Amanda's friends and the multitude of youth who knew her, knew of her and have come here to pay their respects.  Amanda did not wake up last Wednesday with the intent on ending up here today.  What happened to Amanda that dreadful afternoon was that in a split second a choice was made. The consequence of that choice were unintended and permanent.  I know I may not look like it but at one time I was your age. I thought I was invincible, I looked at myself as Superman. Some of you may still see the resemblance. I remember a time shortly after the 210 fwy was completed, I was racing my friend on that near empty freeway from Covina to Tommie's burgers in Eagle Rock. At over 120 mph my friend starts to lose control of his vehicle. Luckily, he was able to regain Control and we safely made it to Tommie's. But I was struck by the reality of what nearly happened. A foolish choice made on that freeway almost led to some very dire consequences. I can go on with a myriad of these situations that both myself and other have experienced with some having tragic results. You are not super human. These vessels we call bodies are very fragile. You must protect them and keep them clean. If you were truly a friend of Amanda's you will honor her memory not by dwelling on this tragic incident, but by the example of her kind and indiscriminate nature.  No matter what your social circumstance, ethnicity, or popularity, Amanda was your friend. She was a defender of those who were picked on or bullied and she often got in trouble for stepping in the middle of a fight and trying to diffuse it.  Those were the school suspensions we were most proud of.  Be a friend to everyone, defend those that cannot defend themselves. Be kind. Find a way to make someone else smile.   I feel all of us are better people for having had the privilege to know her. As parents we are honored to have been given the opportunity to raise one of Heavenly Father's most choice daughters.  We will struggle to fill the chasm in our hearts created when she left us. But we know that we can turn to our father in heaven to help ease some of that burden. When Amanda was a baby we would sing her a church hymn called "Come, Come, Ye Saints".  Written by William Clayton in 1846 and this hymn was regarded as a 19th century anthem to Mormon pioneers and often sung by the saints on their journey west along the Mormon trail.  

The hymn reads:  

Come, come, ye saints, no toil nor labor fear; But with joy wend your way. Though hard to you this journey may appear, Grace shall be as your day. Tis better far for us to strive Our useless cares from us to drive; Do this, and joy your hearts will swell - All is well! All is well!   Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard? 'Tis not so; all is right. Why should we think to earn a great reward If we now shun the fight? Gird up your loins; fresh courage take. Our God will never us forsake; And soon we'll have this tale to tell- All is well! All is well!   We'll find the place which God for us prepared, Far away, in the West, Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid; There the saints, will be blessed. We'll make the air, with music ring, Shout praises to our God and King; Above the rest these words we'll tell - All is well! All is well!   And should we die before our journey's through, Happy day! All is well! We then are free from toil and sorrow, too; With the just we shall dwell! But if our lives are spared again, To see the Saints their rest obtain, Oh, how we'll make this chorus swell - All is well! All is well!   

This hymn would magically put Amanda to sleep within minutes. As a baby we would just hum it to her. It calmed her so much that if she heard It start to be sung, she would cry out "No... Not that song!" and then quickly fall asleep. Church missionaries and family friends would sing it to her just so they could watch her reaction. It was if she was hypnotized. Sleep would always ensue before the first verse was over. About a month ago, while  sitting in a recliner chair and Amanda climbed in my lap to cuddle. I started humming the song and within minutes her body relaxed and she had fallen asleep. Now, as the saints of old, Amanda too rest from her toils here on earth in the arms of her Heavenly Father. We would like to play this song for you with hopes that as with Amanda,  you to may find peace.  But don't go to sleep!   I leave you these words in Jesus  name. Amen

Song: Come, Come Ye Saints

The Plan of Salvation - Given by Michael Miller

I'm grateful to be here and the opportunity to speak to you today at this memorial service for Mandy Andrews. I'm grateful for your presence. Your presence here today is a wonderful expression of love to Mandy and her family. I'm grateful for the spirit that's, or Rich's words and everything that has been said. I pray that the spirit will be with us for a moment that I may provide a little direction and give some comfort for those of us who may be experiencing some questions about this life and the ever after. 

Allow me to start from the beginning... God is the father of our spirits. We are literally His children and he loved us. We lived with our father in heaven before we were born on this earth. We were not like our Heavenly Father, nor could we become like Him without the experience of living in mortality with a physical body. God's whole purpose, his work and his glory, is to enable each of us to enjoy all of his blessings. He provided a perfect plan to accomplish this purpose. In the scriptures, God's plan is called "The Merciful Plan",  "The Plan of Happiness", "The Plan of Redemption", and the "Plan of Salvation". The essence of the plan was that man would have to opportunity of working out his own salvation with God's help. In Job, it says that when we heard about this plan, we were so excited that we "shouted for joy". All of God's children who have lived, who are currently living, and will yet live on earth choose to follow this plan in our pre-mortal state. Jesus Christ is central to God's plan. Through his atonement, Jesus Christ fulfilled his fathers plan made it possible for each of us to enjoy immortality. He wants every one of his children to find peace in this life and a fullness of joy in his presence after this life. He wants us to become more like him. 

Under the direction of the Father, Jesus Christ created the earth as place for us to live and gain experience. In order to progress and become like God, each of us had to obtain a body and be tested during a time of probation on earth. While we are here on earth, we are out of God's presence. We do not remember our pre-earth life. We must walk by faith, rather than by sight. The triumph of Jesus Christ over spiritual death by his suffering and over his physical death by his resurrection, is called The Atonement. Christ promises to forgive our sins on the condition that we accept him by exercising faith in him, repenting, receiving baptism by immersion  and the laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost, and striving faithfully to keep his commandments. Through continuing repentance, we may obtain forgiveness and be cleansed of our sins by the power  of the Holy Ghost. We are relieved of our guilt and shame and through Jesus Christ we become worthy to return to the presence of God. As we rely on the atonement of Jesus Christ, he can help us endure our trials, our sicknesses, and pain. We can be filled with joy, peace, and consolation. All that is unfair about life can be made right through the atonement of Jesus Christ. And then our spirit leaves our body and goes to the spirit world, a place of preparation, learning, and resting from care and sorrow. Alma the prophet said, "Now, concerning the ^astate of the soul between ^bdeath and the resurrection—Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are ^ctaken ^dhome to that God who gave them life." 

The spirit world is a wonderful place where you will be reunited with your family members who have passed away. As it has been said, Mandy is probably playing with Walnut now. I'm just wondering if he can say, "I love you" just a little better now or if he says it just the same. Her personality is the same. She still has her favorite colors, she still has her favorite songs, she still has that wonderful smile. In the spirit world, the gospel is preached to those who did not fully understand the gospel or  did not have the opportunity to hear it while here on earth. We our bodies and spirits are reunited in the resurrection we will be brought back to each other. When it is our time to stand before God, we do not stand alone. Can you imagine being all alone before God and pleading our case? Luckily we are appointed an advocate to stand with us. That advocate is Jesus Christ. The Savior pleads our case for mercy. He is the champion of our cause as no other can be. 

I'm going to read a little about the words of Christ as he was recorded, about the way and words he used when he pleads our case.  The Savior pleads for the spiritual lives of his spiritual children. Not because of their own worthiness, but because of the Savior's sacrifice, they will be spared. This is the Son's plea to the Father as recorded in the Doctrine and Covenants: 

“Father, behold the sufferings and death of him who did no sin, in whom thou wast well pleased; behold the blood of thy Son which was shed, the blood of him whom thou gavest that thyself might be glorified; “Wherefore, Father, spare these my brethren that believe on my name, that they may come unto me and have everlasting life.”¹

Brother Mcallister, in his book The Infinite Atonement, mentions that there may be yet another reason for advocacy, particularly Christ's: It brings about the spiritual bonding through Christ and his children that could not be achieved in any other way. It is the thread that knits our hearts and souls together. Who among us could watch him plead our case with fervent passion, listen to him rehearse the grueling events of Gethsemane, hear his expressions of unbridled love, and not feel a spiritual kinship with him?

As a result of the Saviors Atonement an advocacy, at the judgement day, when the eternal fate of all hangs in the balance, the Savior will stand "betwixt them and justice"(Mosiah 15:9). He will make the "intercession for the children of men" (Mosiah 15:8) He will plead the perfect balance between mercy and justice. He will be Mandy's advocate. He will be our advocate and our hope and salvation. 

It is my testimony that Jesus is our personal savior and that through him we can find hope, joy, and peace. Christ himself said, "Peace I leave with you. My peace I give unto you. Not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled. Neither let it be afraid." 

It is my prayer that we might be able to find this peace. Today and every day. I look forward to the time that we can all give Mandy a hug. And I leave this with you in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Song: Stay With Me by Michael McLean 

Closing Remarks - Given by Bishop James Stevenson
Brothers and sisters we have been taught the gospel here today through music and word. In closing, I would like to share with you, I've been asked by the family to read a poem written by Amanda's mother. It's entitled "Carry On, Carry On" - They gave it to me because they thought I could be emotional.

I can’t tell you how much I miss your laughter
And those teasing names that said you loved me too
You bugged me so much about cutting my hair
So it is short again just for you
I know I yelled because you would take my clothes,
But if you were here now they would all be yours
I would give up anything... Do anything
To have you here with me once more

Don’t cry Lauren,
I am not gone
Carry on sister,
Carry on, carry on 

When you were little I carried you every where
Until it drove you nuts and you'd push me away
The older we got the closer we became
I loved it when you would ask me to come stay
Remember how we wrote funny poems back and forth
And you said I smelled like moldy afghan goat cheese?
You always had the best sense of humor
Won't you come back to me please?

Don’t cry Breanna,
I am not gone
Carry on sister,
Carry on, carry on

Your friends and other family have been here sharing their memories with us
Eating smiley face fries on the roof in the sun
Jamming to your favorite "gangster" music each day
Going to the trail for a walk or run
Sleepovers and pillow fights, make-up, clothes, and boys
They share treasured secrets that bring us comfort and joy
Teachers and friends you haven't seen for awhile
Have all sent the most beautiful comments about you
You touched so many, many lives for good
We know you will live on in everything they do

Don’t cry loved ones,
I am not gone
Carry on friends,
Carry on, carry on

I've been so blessed to be your father
To have the Lord trust me with your care
I'll always cherish our road trips with the Judd's and Dean
Your cuddle chambers, chili fries requests, and bedtime prayers
Now when I think of you, I smile
Though my heart is aching from the pain
I go on because I know you would want me to
But living without you just isn’t the same
Desperately clinging to every memory of you
I think of how you touched our lives in so many ways
You visit me in my dreams at night
But I can never make you stay

Don’t cry daddy,
I am not gone
Carry on daddy,
Carry on, carry on

I sit in your empty room at night
Dreaming dreams that will never be.
Surrounded by all the things you loved,
For they bring you nearer to me.
I hug your pillow close to my heart,
Just a hint of perfume lingers from your shampoo.
I remember all the time we spent cuddling together.
Oh sweet girl, I will always love you.
I long for those precious moments again,
Yes, I know I’ll have them back in time
Until then I have my beautiful memories of you
And your skinny hugging arms wrapped around mine.

Don’t cry momma,
I am not gone
Carry on momma,
Carry on, carry on

I sit here by Heavenly Father’s side
Rubbing my hands through Walnuts soft fur
Jesus said He will watch over you now
And send you the spirit as a comforter
The angels sing me "Come, Come Ye Saints"
When I want to feel you near
And when you say your prayers at night
They always let me hear

So don’t cry family,
I am not gone
Carry on family,
Carry on, Carry on

We may be asking ourselves how do we carry on? I know that it is through our faith and our hope in Christ that he sends his spirit of peace to help us through these difficult times. I've seen that evident in the Andrew's home as I've been there and felt the spirit there and know that they've been comforted. I know that our savior is helping them carry on, but I want you to know that each of you is an influence and comfort to them as they struggle to make it through this time of sorrow and they are much appreciative of you and your prayers. I want you to know that that I have confidence, a strong faith, and hope of Christ. I have a testimony of the gospel. That I know that He lives and that through his atonement, and through his sacrifice for us we can make our way back to heavenly father. That is his great gift to us. He came to this earth to set an example for us. As we strive to live his commandments and to follow him, we will make our way back in to Heavenly Father's presence. I know that God lives. And that he is our heavenly father and Jesus Christ is his son, the savior of the world who atoned for our sins. And that through his resurrection, we all will be resurrected again. The end of our mortal life is not the end of our existence. We will carry on beyond the veil and progress. I pray that we will all feel comfort through the spirit of christ. That our pains will be eased as we continue to remember Amanda. As we remember her life and how she influenced us. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen

We thank those who have participated in this service today. Those who spoke and those who have shared their talents. We will conclude these services by singing "God Be With You Until We Meet Again".

Song: God Be With You Till We Meet Again

Hugs Heal Part II

A couple weeks ago I wrote a blogpost called "Hugs Heal - So Hug Like You Mean It". In that post I shared the hugs that have impacted me most in my life. At the time, there were only around 16 hugs that had etched their memory deep into my soul.

On July 11th, 2012, my world changed forever when my beautiful 16 year old daughter Amanda took her own life and, with that devastating event, the number of significant hugs that I have received and have given has become uncountable.  Hugs came to us immediately from coworkers, neighbors, relatives, church members, friends of our family, and friends of our daughters. Prayers and hugs were sent out across Twitter with a #HugsHeal hashtag and Facebook wall notifications. Friends of Friends, who didn't even know us sent out their hugs and prayers and I felt strengthened by them all. Strangers who understood our grief from having endure the same dire circumstances and strangers who had never experienced the loss of a child, but knew it would feel almost unsurvivable without love from others; strangers or not.

In our LDS faith, as in many others, when someone passes the congregation pulls together to provide love, support, and meals. Lots and lots of meals. With each meal that is dropped off, I could almost see the remnants of tears that spilled onto their aprons as they prepared nourishment for our family using ingredients of love, friendship, hope, and pain. One of my co-workers came by the day after Amanda's passing, knowing that our home would be filled with teenagers coming to grieve, pay respects, and heal each other, she brought tons of snacks and drinks. When Amanda's friends came, we were prepared and I was extremely grateful. Friends and family came from near and far to hold us. My friend Lara, who I mention in my Hugs Heal blog, even organized my kitchen while our family friend Mandy J. cleaned up. Others stopped by to volunteer their services, even if it meant walking our three dogs. Church members who served their mission in our area and who had become a part of our family came too. We had visitors from North Carolina, Texas, Utah, BC, and both Northern and Southern California... all to wrap their arms around us to tell us we are not alone. Donations also poured in to help with the funeral expenses, taking a huge burden off our shoulders so we could focus on the healing process with our two older daughters.

I don't think I could have made it through without all of you. No one should ever have to experience a loss of any kind alone. Whether it be the loss of a loved one, a family pet, or friend, we should all learn to reach out to one another and give what we can of ourselves. My daughter Amanda was a very happy girl who had a brief moment of despair.  Let this be a reminder to all of us to love deeply. My daughter was very loved and she loved deeply. We know she did not intend for the outcome to be this final, but it can not be changed. We must Carry On and live worthily so we can all be reunited again. Think about your decisions before you act. Choose the Right (CTR).

I feel like I have so much writing to do, but my heart will only let me get it out in pieces. Bare with me. Love Me. Hug Me. #hugsheal

A Father's Kiss

In loving memory of my baby girl Amanda. 16 years were not enough. 
You are ours for eternity and we will see you on the other side.

Amanda Kellie Andrews 12/19/1995-7/11/2012

Her Father holds her in His loving arms, 
And with a kiss He lets her go. 
He sends His beloved daughter down, 

To her family waiting below. 

He knows that they will love her, 
With every fiber of their hearts. 
The temple bond He sealed them in, 
Promises they will never truly part. 

His Father’s intuition reminds Him 
How faith can be shaken when in rough seas, 
So He blows kisses from the heavens 
To etch her smile forever in their memories. 

A family kneels in prayer together. 
Hearts breaking as they try to comprehend. 
How the love and joy they shared with her, 
Could come so abruptly to an end. 

He tries His best to comfort them, 
Somehow hoping to lighten their load. 
The bonds of eternity begin to strengthen, 
As she prepares their castle at the end of their road. 

She sits, perfected, by His side, 
As they watch the scene below. 
Her father holds her in his loving arms, 

And with a kiss he lets her go.

Love you baby - Mommy

"We'll love you forever. We like you for always. As long as we are living, our baby you'll be."

Carry On

I sit in your empty room at night
Dreaming dreams that will never be.
The aroma of your toys and clothes
Bring you near to me.
We used to sing you lullabies
For our night time was never through
Until we sang that special song…
Oh sweet girl, I will always love you
I long for those precious nights again
Yes, I know I’ll have them back in time
Until then I have these memories of you
And of our fingers intertwined

Don’t cry mommy,
I am not gone
Carry on mommy,
Carry on, carry on

I can’t tell you how much I miss you
This has been so hard to understand
I miss your silly laughter
And having you take my hand
I wish I could blow bubbles on your belly
Or tickle your little feet
Everything is different now
It’s so hard to feel complete
I look for your everywhere
Like we’re are playing hide and go seek
I hope you’re happy up in heaven
I know you’re smiling down on me

Don’t cry brother,
I am not gone
Carry on brother,
Carry on, carry on

I used to plan my days around you
You were always there by my side
People seemed to swarm to you
Oh, how you filled my heart with pride
Now when I think of you, I smile
Though my heart still feels the pain
I go on because I know you would want me to
But living just isn’t the same
When I look at all the pictures of you
I think of how you touched our lives in so many ways
You visit me in my dreams at night
But I can never make you stay

Don’t cry daddy,
I am not gone
Carry on daddy,
Carry on, carry on

I sit here by Heavenly Father’s side
He tickles me like you
And Jesus sings my favorite song
Like mommy used to do
The angels take turns holding me
When I want to feel you near
And when you say your prayers at night
They always let me hear
So don’t cry family,
I am not gone
Carry on family
Carry on, Carry on

For the Motzkus Family

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