Quote of the Day

December 26, 2008

Quotes from an amazing spiritual book I just read called "The Shack"

"Sadness is a wall between two gardens" - Kahlil Gibran

"God is a Verb" - Buckminster Fuller

"You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world, but a world lives in you." - Frederick Buechner

"An infinite God can give all of Himself to each of His children.  He does not distribute Himself that each may have a part, but to each one He gives all of Himself as fully as if there were no others." - A. W. Tozer

"Faith never knows where it is being led, but it knows and loves the One who is leading." - Oswald Chambers

"Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can not heal." - Author unknown


December 21, 2008

The Nana Letters - Foreward

My Grandmother has been my pen pal for quite some time. Our letters are changing though, changing as she has changed. I know it can be hard to look past the person Nana is now; Forgetful, bitter, depressed, lonely, and sad. But I know that's not who she is. She would have never chosen the life she lives at the age of 96. If she had her way, she would have been square dancing with Jack, the grandfather I knew. She really LOVED Jack and Jack really loved her. He had a grumpy teasing way about him. He loved to fart and then blame it on my nana or smack us with his newspaper as he walked by. Jack died over 20yrs ago. When he left, a piece of her heart went with him. That's when the CHANGE started.

Nana lived with a couple gentlemen after Jack's passing, and married one named Leonard (who she met by placing an add in a newspaper). He was a nice man, but he couldn't dance because it hurt his legs. His legs were eventually amputated and after a short time, Leonard passed away. This is when we started noticing the CHANGE even more. The tantrums, the confusion, the depression, the case of the nasties, these had all become part of the change. The change that took the sweet, feisty spirit of my grandmother and chased it away for good.

The dementia was and still is, the worst part. She doesn't remember the good stuff anymore and is often redundant in her letters, but every now and then, when I'm lucky, a moment of clarity strikes and she is like the nana we knew when we were young.

So... I was thinking that this would be a nice place to share some of her letters. YES... some of them are going to sound crazy and look like I can't type, but it is just because I want to keep the integrity of the letters as I received them, and I have to admit that she is a little "crazy" these days. But these letters are still part of our history. I will post them here to share. I'm going to write it just like she did - and she loves to right in her nursing shorthand. (Good thing I work with Dr.'s and nurses) So if it doesn't sound right, think of what I thought the first time I read them. I think the tone and content of her letters is dependent greatly upon the time of day she writes. Night hours are when the dementia is worse. She has a wonderful recollection of what happened 85 yrs ago, but could hide her own Easter eggs today and never find them. Sometimes she writes very happy letters describing her world that has gotten smaller. Cherish those. Sometimes she speaks mean and bitter things. Ignore those. That is not the woman we know that helped raise us as kids. For my sisters, my mother, my dad, my cousins, and anyone who reads this blog, my nana was, and still is, one of the most amazing women I have ever met. She has outlived 5 husbands, one I didn't even know about until about 5 years ago. She helped us become the independent people we are and in this afterlife, when her mind and body is perfected, I believe she will be there, with Jack, preparing the way for us, just as she has in this life.

The letters will be out of order, because I have kept them in different places and she doesn't like to date her letters. Some are postmarked, some are not, so bare with me. I will try and add a sidenote on ones that could use a little explanation. If you want to add a letter, you can email me at ldsklandrews@yahoo.com or mail it to me (email me for my address) and I'll post it here for all our family to share.
my eyes are red and tired 
stuck in a body that is achy
and a mind that is wired
wishing my dreams would take me
my nightly routine would be so lonely
had I not this world that listens in silence
there are pieces of my history 
on this electronic wall
a journal of my soul you could say
in the stillness of the night
this blog beckons me to play
sleep is gone for the moment
about to bring in a new day






December 19, 2008

The Nana Letters - April 2008

Dear Kristie,
Maybe you have heard already thru your mother "Bonnie" that I have a new address. you can pass the word along to Kel and Nick.

I now live with Roberta wherever she is. I fell @ my apt. and they passed a kid thru the window to open my locked door. Then to hospital to find no breaks so they called Roberta or said they'd put me in and adult foster home. Roberta presently works in Reno, Nevada 4 day work week so have room there and their home in Burns 3 da. I have my own old room here but Dave has a daughter that visits and then she gets it. Oh Well... so write me. o.k.?

Nana

SIDENOTE: My grandmother moved to a little town next to Burns Oregon about 3-4 years ago. She wanted to be close to my Crazy Aunt Berta - who is a traveling nurse and nana was convinced that my sister Kellie had stolen her car and was trying to steal her money from her bank account. When nana first moved to Oregon, she lived with Crazy Berta and Berta's husband Dave. Since Berta was out of the state for long periods of time, my nana thought that the neighbors would be suspicious that she (93 years old then) and Berta's husband Dave (in his 60's) were fooling around. She didn't want them to get the wrong idea, so she moved in to her own apartment, where she lived alone. One day, she fell in the bathroom, landing between the toilet and the shower. She managed to pull herself out to her bedroom, where she spent 3 days on the floor, unable to get up or call for help, locked inside her apartment. When the manager noticed that she hadn't been picking up her mail, he went to check on her. Lord only knows why he didn't have a spare key - guess he didn't need one since he had a kid he could throw through the window! After spending some time in the hospital for a bruised hip and a possible stroke, Social Services was called in and told her she could NOT live on her own anymore. She moved back in with Berta for a couple weeks and then found a private elderly boarding care home where she has been ever since.

My sister never stole my grandmothers car. In fact, I'm the one who spent 6 hours one Saturday afternoon during her 92nd year convincing her that it was time to give up her car keys. She has gout, which besides the pain, also causes her right foot to go numb. She also had a bad habit of disappearing on us for days at a time. One time, while she was living in San Diego, she went to the bank to get some money and never came home again. My aunt Oma's daughter called and said she was missing. We called the police and my sister Kim in Texas who's in the police department. They had to put out an APB on her. We found my grandmother 3 days later, taking a nap at a rest stop on her way to Oregon. (she was going to give Roberta her car and some money) Independence is a hard thing to give up and she didn't go down without a fight. When she finally surrendered her keys to me, I drove the car over to my sisters house before nana could change her mind. I'll explain the bank account stuff in another post.

December 18, 2008

The Nana Letters - undated

Dear Kristen
Did you have a good trip to Utah? I imagine there is as much snow there as here now. I think it will be 3 weeks before it is gone. Needless to say, I don't go out much.

The manager here keeps the walkways pretty clean, but I don't go out much, anyway. Go to the senior center for lunch on Wed. and Fri. and usually shop for groceries also. I miss my car very much but when I took my calif license in to get an oregon one they said I was too old. So Kiddo! Let that be a lesson! Don't get old!!!!

I love the paper you sent me. Thank you!!! I have decided to just send these bank statements of Amanda and Breanna. Lauren doesn't get one because she was included in a trust.

When I sent Kellie for her kids, she said she couldn't cash them and seemed pretty upset so I sent her one of my regular checks, but I had one just like this in my name and sent it to the bank and they accepted it and later I got it in the mail as withdrawn. You see, in 1999, I had a trust made and it says 20% of what I have at death goes to each daughter and 10% to each grandchild, which gives 0 to the great grands so I decided to set aside a small amount for them. You, no doubt make our a deposit check now and then. With that, I don't think there will be any trouble. Anyway, I think you and your husband can figure it out. Just say, it's from a 95 yr old grandma and they'll understand.

Anyway! Good luck! Just say, it is another work out for yours and your husbands brains. Ha! Ha!

SIDENOTE: My grandmother had sent my sister a deposit slip from her checkbook - not a check - and told my sister to just use that to get the money from her US Bank account to my sisters Bank of American account. Nana thought my sister just didn't know what she was doing. Kellie wasn't upset, just frustrated trying to get nana to understand how the bank system works.

Nana Letters 12-18-2008

Dear Kristen,

It was so nice to get your letter!  I wondered how you squeezed in the time.  I am very well on my 96th year.  I have missed Jack so much.  No more dancing.  Leonard just had BIG feet and had spent so long in the army, they eventually cut off both legs, but the army now sends me his remittance and with social security, I never spend it all.  I'm just a very lucky person.  It was so nice to talk to Kellie.  I am so happy to have my independence.  Yes the foster home makes good meals.  Not too many sweets though.

Bearing Best Wishes For A Holiday Season 
Filled With Peace and Joy

Are the girls in college close enough to still live at home?  How old is Amalia (Amanda) now?  I know your home must be lovely after all your husbands work.  You were lucky to catch someone so crafty.  

No, my ankles don't hurt.  But I don't have to shop for groceries and can always find somewhere different to wear every day.

So write again.  I swear to answer.  The lady here put up the Christmas tree today.  It is all lit up now. and yesterday she put boughs above the doorways.  Roberta had me out for Thanksgiving and I assume will also on Christmas.  So the lady arranges her day differently.  They are good friends.  Roberta is working in Nebraska again.  She is 54 now and will be content to stay home someday.  They always have good cars and no doubt lots of payments.  

Love to all the family,  Nana

December 15, 2008

The Nana Letters 9-06

Dear Krissy,

I miss being in Cal but this is Roberta's home and she came to San Dimas and brought me here and I feel I owe her a lot.  I lived with them for 5 months, then got my own apt. in town.  I lived with them for 5 months, then got my own apt. in town.  She is a traveling nurse and when I first got here, she was working in Reno and it was a 6 hour drive.  Her husband fixed up a trailer that she lives in wherever she is working.  Now, she is working in BOise, Idaho, but she says they don't pay as well as Reno did.  Her husband has 40 head of cattle on their ranch and sells one now and then.  

It appears both your mother(Bonnie) and Kellie consider me an imbecile.  So, I will stay in Oregon though I know winter will soon be here, we had quit a bit of snow last winter. 

I could not understand your mother, Bonnie.  One nite, we were chatting and then she called a policeman to talk to me.  He said I'd have to come with him and he put me in a police wagon with another lady who questioned me all the way.  I never knew where they took me but Bonnie said it was the psyschiatric  part of Dr.'s Hospital.  One man stayed like a guard with me and another kept asking me questions.  In about 2 hours they asked me to get in the car again and took me to another place.  It was a regular room with only 1 leather couch in it.  It was so cold so the one in charge brought me an oversize white bedspread to cover with.  She let me keep my money and took my purse.  I was so dumbfounded about all the carrying on.  In about an hour she came back and said I could go as Bonnie was here.  Mike never drove her car but that night he did.  When I got home - no one spoke.  We just went to bed.  The next day, I rented an apt so to speak - no furniture, just a refrigerator.  I was prepared to just sleep on the floor, but Bonnie came the next day and said Nick had driven to San Francisco and she said he would stop by and take me back to L.A.   I was glad to go and Nick took me to your house for a few days when Kellie got me a room with another lady at San Dimas Retirement Center.  I had to pay $922 for the rest of that month and when Roberta came for me, I had to pay almost $2000 to leave with my medication.  I kept writing to Roberta and Dave that I didn't understand the why of things - so she came after me.  Kellie at that time said she and Nick talked it over and had decided that I should turn my bank account over to them and they'd pay my bills.  

Nick brought his 2 kids and came to see me that weekend, but he didn't say anything about y money.  Kellie couldn't understand why he didn't ask for my bank account.  She came in a few days and asked me to go with her and she took me to a place in Glendora which I found out later was a psychiatric place.  Most of the people were men trying to hug and love each other.  There was one woman who said she had just said about her house "She didn't care if it burnt down" and her sons put her there.  Some man came and talked to me a lot.  I think he was the doctor there.  Anyway, Kellie and I had been there about ann hour when she got a call and had to leave.  so they gave me a bed and I was there 2 days.  I finally went to the office and said I'd like to leave and the man said, "Well, we were going to release you today" and he took me back to the retirement center.  That is when I wrote to Roberta to please come and get me.  I talked to the bank and they said a person would have to go to the prosecutor attorney and declare me incompetent to take over my bank account - but I didn't put that past Kellie because Matt wasn't working.

Anyway, Kellie never came to San Dimas Retirement anymore and I was glad to come with Roberta.  I just wanted you to know the details.  I don't trust Kellie and I'm afraid of her and Bonnie both.  

Anyway, I just want you to know that I have 12 bank accounts, but I have 16 great grandkids.  I had bought investments for the 4 babies at the time, except Danny, one of the twins.  He has a bank account, I had bought investments for Lauren (your baby then), Nickolas Kimoto, Kayla Gass, and Mathue Okarmus (Kathy's oldest).  Bonnie said I had asked her to keep them so I asked her to send them to me.  I had paid $1000 for each of them in the beginning.  the stock market has come up since I bought.  She said Mathue Okarmus had cashed his to get money for college.  So I have the 2 she sent me, which is Lauren's and Kayla Gass.

Bonnie isn't good about answering me, but since she sees the twins, (Nicholas and Danny Kimoto) I think Nicholas probably got his, she sees the twins frequently.  Laruen's will come due to pay out 7-1-2007, but it can be done earlier if she wants.  She must be about ready for College.  

Sometimes, I am not good on the phone, it seems my hearing aids make a difference.

Love U all, 
Nana

December 14, 2008

The Nana Letters - Jul 2003

Dear Krissy,
I want to say thanks for coming over to see me off the other day.  I came home the next day as Oma's daughter said I could only stay one night in Oma's room.  Oma, I think broke her r hip and was in the hospital for about 4 days, then to the rehab, but Oma wrote that they didn't get her up for several days and it was very painful.  

I think that I spoke about getting saving accounts for the great grandkids.  It is in the BofA and they could draw it out and when I die then they can.  You can add to it however.  

Well, people say it is very hot so I am in shorts and trying to kep cool.  I do get a little breeze when I open the back door.  Kellie came by yesterday.  I thought she was off me, but I guess she thought I would stay longer in Escondido.  I really made the trip to see a renter in Vista.  He pays one month and skips 2.  I finally have told him I will pay his first month rent to get rid of him.  So far, even that hasn't worked.  If it ever does, I will take my bedroll and stay until it sells.  Probably 3 weeks.  

Well my fish balls, potatoes, and corn are done so I will eat and go to the store for some cokes.  I have a red nose from the sun.

With all best wishes to all - Nana


December 13, 2008

The Nana Letters - 1-2-2008

Dear Krissy,
Thank you for the nicest gift and surprise of writing materials.  I will use them.  I got your note that you were making a trip to Salt Lake.  I hope it was a very pleasant journey.  Salt Lake is a very nice town though not real big.

When I was married to Bob Cooper (he used to follow the union work  wherever it was and we went to 1st Provo from Hanford, Washington for about 6 weeks and we bought 5 acres betwen Sandy and DRaper.  Bob drove every day to work and he built me cages and I raised rabbits.  I didn't like so much snow, but the rabbits really thrived.  I could catch one in the pen, hit it in the head, hang its hind legs up (tied) on a big nail, skinned it, then cut it up and we sold them to travelers.  That was my THING.  As I was staying home with Bonnie who was 3-4 then. and Roberta was in 2nd grade.  She had to ride the bus to Draper.

The winters were fierce.  Windy and cold with 3 ft of snow.  I finally told Bob I was leaving in the spring and a job got finished so we reclaimed our hourse in San Diego and went home.  He had become sickly in Utah and the Dr. told him (army doctor) he had 6 months.  So, he began going to the army hospital on the road to Frisco.  He went to the veteran's hospital for 3 wks at a time and would feel pretty good until once we were heading to the veterans and he said his chest hurt very badly so I said we'd better see the Dr. first and the Dr. took one look at him and ordered him to the hospital.  He died at 6 pm and is now buried in the veteran's cemetery of San Bruno.  By then, Roberta and Bonnie were both married so that was the beginning of my loneliness.  So I began square dancing and Jack became my partner.  That was a great 23 years.

You must be tired of this.

Love to all, Nana
My little girls have grown into young women
No longer their hero or the one they shower with kisses freely
I wait, like a thief, for moments I can steal away
A long hug, a conversation of more than Hello's and Goodbyes'
Quiet times... not shopping days when I'm spending money to be with one or all of them
Standing at the kitchen counter, sharing our day, laughing as silly Lauren dances in her undies and donkey slippers
Those are the moments I treasure
Every so often, I am blessed with a rare opportunity
Having one of them lay next to me, so close I can feel the warmth of her body
And see the soft, rhythmic rising in her chest
I take in the scent of her hair
Praying the minutes will pass like hours
When did I hold her like this last?
So many thoughts run through my mind
What does the future hold for her?
Who will be her true love?
Will she remember me when love fills her life?
Relax...  savor the moment
Oh, it is so very rare
These brief glimpses of our yesterday, carry me through our tomorrows
I am so blessed... even by stolen moments, I am blessed

December 12, 2008

The Nana Letters - Feb 2008

Dear Krissy,
How are you and all the family?  I am fine.  Roberta makes sure I keep well.  I think she feels at 95 that I should be falling apart.

Well, we had quite a bit of snow this year and it stayed on a long time.  Made me think Calif.? but Roberta does so much for me that I would never leave here.  Also, I like my little apt.  Can boss my own self!!! Dial a Ride comes at most commands.  I enjoy going to the senior center on Wed. and Fri for lunch and womenly gab.  Today I bought an extra one for supper, but I may keep it for tomorrow. 

Are you still working at Kaiser?  Must seem like your other home!  Does Rick (your dad) still live in the area?  Mike (your stepfather) calls me every now and then.  Bonnie will soon reach retirement age, but I bet  she'd rather be working.  It is nice to be able to stay in one job so long.  I worked til I was 81.  My patients would say "you are older than I am".  But I enjoyed the routine.  At home here, I never think routine except  "get the dishes done".  I have a cleaning lady every Thursday so that is ore excuse to let it go.  But I do make my bed except when she comes to change the linens.  She says she has a house and 2 dogs.  They don't allow pets in the apt. complex, but it is hard to tell a child they can't have a pet.  

I think you know Roberta is a traveling nurse and works in any state.  Now, she is in Reno and she has a trailer that Dave pulls to wherever she is for her to live in.  

Did you ever hear of "gout"?  It is just as crazy as it sounds.  I had it in a hand about 8 or 9 months ago and now I have it again in my R little finger and foot.  They say drinking lots of water is best - but I'm never thirsty.  3 cups of instant coffee does pretty good.  

How do Breanna and Lauren like college?  What are their majors?  Are they anxious to have their own apt?  All kids dream of when "I'm really big."  Did I tell u that I write to a boyfriend, but he is younger.  But just recovering from a broken knee.  I think we live about 600 miles apart so it will probably always be letters, but it makes going to the mail box an excursion - about 3/4 block.  If you have something that won't fit in the box, the carrier will bring it to the house, and they just open the door and walk in.  If you are not at home, they put it inside the screen door.  

Did you every play a card game of "Solitaire"?  That is my usual evening after Wheel of Fortune.  Sometimes there are later shows I enjoy, but not usually.  Last week, there was The Most Unusual Accident or Happening"  and The Most Outrageous @ another night.  Often, I just pick up a book, but I stay up too late then.  

Well, I do enjoy your letters and hope to hear from u again.   

So, How is Robert?

Love to all, Nana

December 7, 2008

The Nana Letters - 8-16-07

Dear Kristen,
   How nice of you to think of me!  Is there anyone who doesn't love to get letters!  yes, that is why we go to the mailbox.  (my typewriter needs a new ribbon, but what do I know about that?)
   Yes, I think you should have a pat on the back for all of your efforts!  I keep well, stay away from Dr.s!  I am 95 now, but my only sister is 100 on the 16th.  She fell not long ago and broke some ribs.  I wish we could live together, but I am considered old, too!  Out of my mother of 13 children, we are the only ones left!
   Pat your husband on the back for all his good work.  I have no desire to ever own a home anymore.  I have what I say is a nice apt. for $250.000 per month.  I get 10 times that in income since the gov't gives me Leonard's part.  He was in the service 30 years.  It is just a shame that he couldn't have lived longer.  This typewriter was actually his.
   Well, this is a small town.  Less than 5000 people so if anyone wants to shop, they go to Bend - 120 miles, plus $35.  The senior center runs a bus there twice a week.  I would like to live in Bend, but it would be too far from Roberta.  She still works 3 days a week in Boise, Idaho.  she has a little trailer that she lives in when she is off.  She and Dave,  her husband, are very good to me.  she drove me to Toppenish to a family get togther. 
  I am sorry about your dog, but death comes to all. Yes, I still go to the senior center for lunch on wed and Friday.  That is my outing for the week.  I am too far from Safeway (only store) to walk there, but there is a notion store a few blocks which I walk to now and then.  You know that Kellie has my car as her husbands truck was out of order.  She tricked me out of it and I will never forgive her for it.  Now, I just call the bus (.75)  Oh well, you win some, you loose some!
I can't believe your girls are ready for college.  You know Mathue (Kathy's oldest) used his trust for college though it wasn't time for it to mature.  He borrowed on it.  Is the tuition for college very high?  I went to a junior college when I became an LVN nurse and passed meds for a long time.  I loved working!  It was so busy; it was like a game to plan to get it all done by report time.  They said they had to hire 2 when I left, I was 81 then and patients made fun of me for working.  I have thought of putting in an ad to work in a home, but I couldn't keep up with the kids, I don't need the money!  Just hate the illness!
I had a Cal drivers license when I first moved here and went to the drivers license place to get an Oregon one and when they asked my age, they refused and mailed me an Oregon personal card.  Oregon is a tough state, I think.  But it isn't a bad climate considering it year round.

Roberta and Dave have a ranch with 30 head of cattle.  That's Dave's thing and Roberta has her 3 day work and home 3 days.  I lived at their place 3-4 months before I moved to town.   Frances, a niece, said surely the neighbors talked about me living alone with Dave so much, but the neighbors were 20-30- miles away, "several fields"  Dave was always a gentleman and never failed to comment on a good dinner.  I tell Roberta sometimes she seems more like my mother than my daughter.  I look up to her.  sounds odd, but they are so considerate.  

So, now are you lost without going to school?  Do you see your father now and then?

Loved your letter!  Again??

Nana


December 1, 2008

The Nana Letters - 9-15-07

Dear Krissy,
I got notices from U.S. Bank about Amanda's and Breanna's checking accounts.  I know they are headaches for you because a U.S. Bank is far from you.  So I decided to cash them and will send you my personal check which you can cash along with your payroll check.  Just tell them that you know the person.  

My s. s. and Leonard's veteran's both go in there monthly.  It is still warm here but I enjoy my long sleeves because it is so cool in the mornings when I dress.

I live alone but since I'm 95, I'm thinking of getting another lady to live with me.  My sister Fern passed away this last month.  Roberta too, me to the funeral.  Fern was 100 years old the 16th of August.

Lauren didn't have a bank account because she had the trust.

I hope you folks are all well.  I know I left San Dimas rather quietly, because I wasn't sure that Roberta was or when she could come for me.  She still works as a traveling RN nurse and now works in BOise, Idaho.  A 6hr. drive for her so she has a trailer that she lives in and comes home as she can.  Her husband has about 30 beef cattle and tries to grow as much as he can of the feed.  I lived at their house when Roberta first brought me here and he never failed to say "That was a good dinner!"  

I enjoyed your letter and I can understand how thrilled to be thru schooling.
I can't believe the girls are ready for college.  do they have boyfriends?  Do they enjoy school?

Well... write again when you can.  you know I made a trust in 1994 and in it, it said my daughters were to get 20% each, making 40% and the 6 grandkids were to get 10% each, making 100%.  So far, I haven't tried to put aside, but do have most of my funeral taken care of.   I think I will let Roberta take charge of most everything thou the trust says Nick is to be executor and for some reason he and his mother don't see eye to eye.  I think my ashes should go to you but you can do what you want with them.

So give the girls a hug for me and all of you Keep Well!

Love Nana