Amanda Utah- Wyoming Trip 2008

Amanda loves to take pictures of herself using the mac laptop.
What would we do without photobooth to keep her entertained?

What are you thinking, my sweet stinkerbell

What runs through your complex little mind
You seem to be caught under a spell
What are the answers you're wishing to find

I hope that you see this one day my love
Do you know how beautiful I think you are
How I have been blessed from heaven above
You shine as bright as the northern star

You're the wind as it blows sweet whispers in my ear
You bring joy to my day and hope in the night
I want to begin and end each one with you near
Goodnight my cuddle-queen, goodnight

I love you billions and billions and billions

When the Dark Wakes Up

I had combed my hair and brushed my teeth
and said "Now I lay me down to sleep",
but my toes were to wiggly to go to sleep yet
so I asked my mommy if I could play with my jet.
She said, "In the morning, when the daylight comes,
you can play with your jet, your trucks, and your drums."
Then she pulled the covers way up to my chin
and said "Now close your eyes and let sweet dreams begin."
As soon as she left, I hopped to the floor
Only to find my mother's eyes staring back through my door.
She said, "Young man, get on back to your room
and do it quickly before you wake up the moon."
"If the dark wakes up," she whispered to me,
"he'll be much too tired to set the day free."
She bent in closely and kissed my head,
then helped me get settled back into bed.
I closed my eyes and fell asleep at last,
in hopes that the dark would fade away fast.
In the morning, when daylight came,
it called to me to come play a new game.
But I was too tired from staying up late.
This time the daylight would have to wait.
So I pulled the covers back up to my chin
and prayed the dark would come back again.

Written for Nick and Dan when they were 3 yrs. old
ka

Sleepless Dreamer

The night calls out and beacons me to play. Thoughts dancing wildly in my mind. I toss and turn until the gentle lull succeeds and I find myself here once again. Sitting, drinking a warm cup of tea in the silence of the evening hours. There is a peacefulness about this time of night. A stillness that is difficult to find during the day. I hear the songlike breathing in rooms around me. I wonder what images fuel their dreams. Will they remember in the morning? Will I still be awake when they arise? I hope not. Sometimes that is my fate though. To lay sleeplessly and dream about sleep.

Breathe - For Lauren

 

They say breathing should come naturally

Yet I find myself gasping for air

These walls closing in all around me

Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll disappear

I know my reality is not so desperate

Still… my heart finds trouble beating

My pulse yearns for the rhythm of our love song

But the chorus has become self-defeating

In an effort to keep you near to me

I pretend it is easy to just be your friend

My heart, it seems, does not like being deceived

And refuses to allow me to mend

My mind is quietly whispering

What my heart wishes not to hear

Somehow I must learn to breathe

Without you as my source for air

I pray that I’ll be strong enough

To move forward into a new day

To learn to exist with you as just my friend

Or find the courage to walk away

As I stand in the echoes of my emptiness

I know I am not left to walk alone

The struggle is hearing their voices above yours

And the love that keeps calling me home

I’ll put one foot in front of the other

Take one breath in for each breath out

Each effort rewarded by finding myself

And learning what I’m all about

When the walls start closing in again

And my heart takes a moment to grieve

I’ll reach out to those that love me

And keep finding a way to breathe

One breath in for each breath out

Yes… all I have to do is breathe

ka

It is up to you to create your own happy ending.  Don't wait for someone else to bring you flowers... plant your own garden and then stand firmly planted in that foundation.

Family is everything to me. My best friends are my daughters, my husband, my sister, and my close friends Godo, Minu, (Cece and Lara, who will always be a part of me) and Peggy. I have 3 sisters, but I am closest to my sister Kellie, who I fondly call Smelly. I have many nieces and nephews. Matt, Katie, Brian, Nick, Dan, Kayla, Jeff, Alicia, and Spencer. All of the kids are either in their teenage years or about to be, except Spencer. He is our youngest.

My sister Kellie is a Neonatal nurse, and is amazing at what she does. Katie and Brian are hers, but I like to think they are mine too. We live the closest to each other so it is easier for us to stay in touch. When Katie was a baby, she stayed with me when my sister and her husband had to work. She was with me so much that she gave me the nickname of "Mamma" and my daughter, her cousin, is "auntie" to her. I know it is strange, but we wouldn't have it any other way. Katie is quiet and sometimes reserved, but a great person. She has gorgeous blue eyes, inheriting the family blues. Brian is our sensitive soul. He looks for the best in people and goes out of his way to be kind to others. He is a beautiful example of how we should treat each other.

My sister Kim, the second oldest, has been soaring up the ladder in a police department in Lubbock, Texas. She is tough on the outside, but has a soft heart. Kayla, Alicia, Jeff, and Spencer are her babies. Kayla is a young mother of two little ones, Jeff, an old soul, is serving our country in the Marines out in the Middle East. Alicia, focused and delightful, just graduated from high school. Spencer, is 7 now and is a sweet as can be. As much as having a young little man to keep up with makes my sister feel older, Spencer keeps her young at heart too.

I am the third child in our clan. I have three girls: a yours, mine, and ours situation. Breanna is our oldest at 19 1/2 and is the 'yours' in our story. She has a great talent for writing and loves to read. She stands up for what she believes in and isn't afraid to voice her opinion. Lauren is six months younger than Breanna. At the age of 19, she is probably our most responsible child. She works hard to earn her independence with a full time job, college, and water polo commitments. She has a natural gift of being a great athlete. She is also a great dancer. Of course it is probably the dirty dancing they do at under age clubs - I don't want to picture it, but I know the girl has moves. Lauren is another sensitive child. She cares about others feelings and really pays attention to the little details. Don't ever call someone fat or overweight in front of her. She just one tolerate someone knocking someone else down. Amanda is our youngest and is the 'ours' that tied our family together. She has a wild sense of humor and is an amazing cuddle-queen. Mandy, as we often call her, loves animals, especially dogs, and clothes, shoes, and music. (sounds like the spitting image of her mom!) She may have a lot of my qualities, but she is still a daddy's girl. On the eve of turning 13, she prefers to go shopping or hang out with her friends, but mention a road trip with dad, and she is in the front seat ready to roll.

Kathy is my youngest sister. She has had her moments of being lost, but seems to have found her way back. She has three boys. The first one, Matt, was the first baby born and nudged her into adulthood at the age of 18. Matt has experienced a lot of adversity in his life, but has discovered his own path and has grown to be quite an impressive young man. He attends Auburn University and is a journalism major. He also inherited the blue eyes gene and a passion for writing. He is quiet and reflective, but enjoys life too. It is hard not to be proud of him. He has two identical twin brothers, Nick and Dan, that look up to him as a role model. Nick is the oldest twin, popping out just minutes before his brother. Full of confidence and self awareness, he is off on his way to college. Dan is another sensitive soul who has a passion for music. He has what I call a "screamer band" that my Mandy thinks is totally cool. Dan is still weighing his college options, but I have a feeling he will go anywhere the music takes him.

I proud of all my family members. We don't always see eye to eye, but we do always support each other when it seems the world is falling down around us.

"Going to church doesn't make a christian anymore than standing in your garage makes you a car."

The Girl Who Faded Away - a short fictional story by me

I didn’t know this girl we are writing about very well.  Well, actually, I went to school with her since preschool, but, I mean, I never really knew her.   Our English teacher, Mr. Segal, told us about her though; about how she slowly faded away.  Her name was Michelle Roberta Anderson.  Michelle was sixteen and went to Monrovia High School.  She wasn’t into brand names and designer jeans like all the other kids.  Instead, she always wore a red sweat jacket with holes in the elbows and blue jeans that didn’t get washed very often. When kids at school walked by her, she kept her eyes focused on the ground and prayed quietly to herself that they wouldn’t tease her again.  She told herself that if she prayed hard enough, one day she would just fade away and never have to face these kids again. 

Ever since Michelle was in Kindergarten, she was known as an outsider.  She was quite, shy, and kept to herself all of the time.  I mean, she must have been a total loner, because I would have noticed her… wouldn’t I have?  Why didn’t she even try to make friends?  Anyway, as she grew older, she seemed to distance herself more and more.  During class breaks and lunchtime, Michelle would sit by herself under the shade of an old oak tree, writing in a book, which must have been her journal.  She would write in that book for hours sometimes, pouring out her heart and soul, as if it were her only lifeline and her one true friend. 

Michelle must have gotten sick a lot, because she missed a lot of school.  Sometimes she wouldn’t come to school for days, but when she finally returned, she would be wearing that same red sweater and old blue jeans.  One of my friends said they heard she was just being rebellious against her parents.  That she was one of those rich kids that had everything, but she refused to wear the clothes her parents bought her.  I thought that was just crazy.  Could someone hate their parents so much that they would walk through life, day after day, wearing the same ugly clothes?

Sometime in the middle of our Junior year, Michelle started missing school more and more, until eventually, she stopped coming at all.  It took a while before anyone noticed.  Her teachers were encouraged by the school district to mark everyone in attendance so they would get the money for each student, so they never really took a real roll count.  So even though they should have noticed she wasn’t there, it didn’t seem to make a difference.  Michelle didn’t have any friends so there wasn’t anyone to report her absence.  Then, one day, the gardeners found a book under the old oak tree where Michelle used to spend her time.  That book was Michelle’s journal and in it were these words written over and over again.

Can’t you hear me screaming?

Don’t you see these tears that stain my face?

My body has been broken and bruised,

I’m so tired of the human race.

Will anyone notice if I loose this fight?

Does anyone hear these words I pray?

Can’t you hear me screaming?

Can’t you help keep me from fading away.

By the time that journal was found, it was too late.  Michelle’s tired and broken body was found in a make-shift forte, where she had been living under the freeway.  She was still wearing that red sweat shirt and those old blue jeans.  The outline of her body was spray-painted on the cold cement ground where she slept every night.  Sad thing is, after just a few short weeks, even that is slowly starting to fade away.

KA

Two 

of 

our 

girls 

gone 

retro

Did I mention I have insomnia about 3 nights out of the week? No... well that should explain all of my late night posts. At 41, I think I'm too young to have as many medical issues as I do, but that seems to be my life. Fibromyalgia, migraines, asthma, and insomnia are my top four. There seems to be a pill for everything these days. Not that I'm complaining. I couldn't function without my fibro meds. They numb the pain enough to move through the day. Sometimes I find myself faking that I'm okay, ignoring the aches and pains. Fibromyalgia is so hard for people who don't have it to understand. It isn't a visual condition, so people can't see that you're hurting. Inside, those that suffer from Fibromyalgia, feel like they have the flu. Only it's a 24 hour/365 days a year flu. The kind with body aches, soreness, lack of energy, and just feeling run down and exhausted all the time. There are many nights that I come home from work, knowing that I am blessed to at least be able to get UP and work, that I crash as soon as I get home. For me, the leg and hip pains are the worst, but I still feel it in my arms and back; actually, just about everywhere. I try to keep a positive attitude. I'm sure things could be worse. Just need to find the bright side and keep on moving.

If I Only Worked Part Time

I would spend my spare time looking at the world

through the eyes of my four-year-old daughter

and loving my family as a dog would love.

Through my daughters eyes,

 I would find visions of rainbows in jars of finger paint

and hunt for nuggets of gold from the sandbox

to help my family buy a house.

I would make masterpieces of play-dough

and stare with awe and wonder

as a seedling grows into bean sprout

I would be home to greet my family as a dog does,

Refreshed, lovingly, and unconditionally.

I would rush to meet them at the door with my tail wagging.

I would curl up with them when they are sad

and lick their faces when they need to laugh.

I would enjoy my life experiences, then apply them at work.

Reminding myself that when things aren't going my way,

I can make my happy ending out of cookie-dough when I get home.