another sleepless night

It's another one of those sleepless nights where I toss and turn, debating if I have enough night hours left to take an Ambien. I believe strongly in the power of better living through pharmaceuticals. Anyone with fibromyalgia would tell you they'd rather pop a pill than stand one more freaking moment of this pain. Sometimes my husband teases me and says I'm a drug addict. I'm not. It just looks like I am with all the pills I have to take. There are some, like my fibro pills and my migraine pills that I couldn't live without. I've learned how to function with the meds. At least I'm able to get to work almost every day. There are plenty of days when I want to curl up in a ball and cry, drowning myself in the tears of my own misery, but most days, I try to rise above it. I get through the day by pretending I'm not in some intensely incredible pain. I pretend I'm normal, like the person in the cube sitting on the other side of me. Honestly, right now, it is 2:00 in the morning. Most everyone I know is sound asleep. Recuperating from their long day, preparing the body for the next. I'm sitting here making things worse by not getting any sleep. I have to be up in 5 hours.

Ugh... where are those damn Serta sheep when you need them? Probably won't come here since we have a Select Comfort Sleep Number bed. I have to tell you that I absolutely HATE IT! Sure, it was great when we first got it a couple years ago, but I think it was the novelty of having a remote to control the comfort of your bed. I felt guilty because I could never find just the right number, like it is my fault. Now, my side of the bed doesn't hold the air at the setting I like so I'm constantly waking up to a sunken in air mattress that pushes on ALL my trigger points. I want a temperpedic!

Some brighter news perhaps... enough whining about me. Amanda returned to middle school today to start a new school year as a 7th grader. She grew about an inch and a half over the summer, which just makes her long lean body look even leaner. Amanda says that she has 3 "pretty okay, possibly funny" teachers. She hates that she has to take PE durning 5 period and then still have to go back and face kids for two more classes. Life and puberty can be cruel. We're just going to have to keep testing out new deodorants until we find the one that leaves her smelling rosy after PE. Mandy mentioned that she would like to be more studious this year so we will let her take some of the acting classes and run track like before. We'll see how that goes. I wish her the best! Lauren also started a new semester at Citrus with about 4 classes. She hasn't decided if she wants to play water polo this year, as it conflicts with having a sense of financial freedom through employment. Breanna has signed up for two classes at PCC, and Rich is looking in to taking another on-line class. I'm the only one not in school for the first time in a long time. Just a little over a year ago, I finished my BS in Business - eBusiness.

I need sign up for a masters program, But I get so discouraged when I recall the intense pain I felt because of my fibro, working full time, taking 4-5 classes at a time , and struggling with a serious lack of sleep. My boss has been hitting me up lately about finishing grad school. I know I need to do it. I've just got to talk myself into it, trying desperately, though unconvincingly, to deceive my mind into thinking it won't be so bad again.

I think I'm starting to hallucinate a little... time to try sleep once more. hah. my hands keep trying to type words that are mumbled and jumbled in my mind. Hopefully sleep is near.

Send me you prayers and lullaby songs.

Signing out.... Sleepless Dreamer

Did I mention I have insomnia about 3 nights out of the week? No... well that should explain all of my late night posts. At 41, I think I'm too young to have as many medical issues as I do, but that seems to be my life. Fibromyalgia, migraines, asthma, and insomnia are my top four. There seems to be a pill for everything these days. Not that I'm complaining. I couldn't function without my fibro meds. They numb the pain enough to move through the day. Sometimes I find myself faking that I'm okay, ignoring the aches and pains. Fibromyalgia is so hard for people who don't have it to understand. It isn't a visual condition, so people can't see that you're hurting. Inside, those that suffer from Fibromyalgia, feel like they have the flu. Only it's a 24 hour/365 days a year flu. The kind with body aches, soreness, lack of energy, and just feeling run down and exhausted all the time. There are many nights that I come home from work, knowing that I am blessed to at least be able to get UP and work, that I crash as soon as I get home. For me, the leg and hip pains are the worst, but I still feel it in my arms and back; actually, just about everywhere. I try to keep a positive attitude. I'm sure things could be worse. Just need to find the bright side and keep on moving.