Graduation Day

To Amanda's senior friends -

This message is to all of Amanda's friends who are finishing up their last day(s) of high school and who have already, or who are now preparing to walk across that graduation stage. We are so proud of you. We know that your high school journey was filled with many ups and downs. You experienced friends who brought new life into this world and the loss of friends dear to you. You've gone through trials that pushed you to grow into young adults faster than expected. Some of you have stumbled along the way and some of you shared your strength to help those who had fallen to stand back up again. If you are one who has stumbled, I hope you don't beat yourself up over it. We've all been there a time or two. As Amanda once said "live and let learn . Brush it off. There would be no learning if everyone didn't step off their path for a while."

Many of you have expressed how wrong it feels to graduate without Amanda walking beside you. While we feel that too, I also believe she will be walking that stage THROUGH you. Because each and every accomplishment and struggle, she has been there to whisper guidance and encourage you to choose the right.

I was a little bummed that the MHS principal wouldn't consider having an extra seat left open for your two missing classmates or let Amanda's dog, Spike, walk on her behalf because he didn't want to glorify the actions that caused their death. I was bummed, but I understand. Sometimes adults think they know what's best for you "kids". He is just looking out for you.

What I realize now is that you are aren't kids anymore. You are now young adults and you don't need an empty seat to acknowledge the loss you have felt and how you wish your friends could be there with you. They will be.

Mrs. Baham was kind enough to get our family tickets to the graduation and it will be our honor to be there in the stands to celebrate your journey.

Just because you are graduating, don't think you need to have your life figured out. You have plenty of years left to be an adult. Take time to explore your options and become the person that brings you the most joy in your life.

Please know we will always be here for you. To give a warm hug, listen, make you tacos, whatever you need (except college homework help - I'm done with homework!)

Live wisely and always choose the right.

Sincerely - The Andrews

Spiritual Self Reliance

Last week my husband and I were asked to give a talk in church on spiritual self reliance, so I thought I'd share my talk with you too. 

The topic sounded like a contradiction in itself. I've always felt I like spiritual self reliance isn't about becoming independent of god, but becoming completely dependent on him. Our Heavenly Father is there and a relationship with him is essential to building spiritual strength. Yes, he wants us to be independent in our temporal needs, but he has shown us over and over again, through scripture and revelation that he has not sent us here to walk this world alone.

In the end we can't be spiritually self-reliant because we're completely dependent on God. Stop trying to be self-reliant in that area; say "Uncle". Think of the hymns: "I Need Thee Every Hour" and the line from "Guide Us O Thou Great Jehovah" that says "we are weak but thou art able..." He gives us tools, but we need to create a quiet place/ time in our lives so that we can tune in. Nobody else can get you to Heaven...you have to have your own testimony.

The blessings of temporal self-reliance become obvious in times of crises, but spiritual self-reliance is equally crucial in difficult times. Those with firm spiritual foundations are blessed with peace, reassurance, and greater faith when calling on Heavenly Father for help.

When our sweet Amanda passed away the weight of our loss was so heavy that I did the only thing I knew would help me through. I prayed.

I asked The Lord to carry my heartache until I was strong enough to carry it on my own. To lend me His strength so I could be there for our family and all of Amanda's friends.

Before her physical body left our home, her father gave her a priesthood blessing. The police officers who responded to our home stood amongst us, heads reverently bowed, tears in their eyes, leaning on the strength of OUR faith.

When our home was filled that evening with about fifty of Amanda's family and friends, I knew the one blessing that we could share with them was the assurance that Heavenly Father would not leave them alone in their sorrow, so we gathered everyone together and offered up a prayer of comfort for them.

When I spoke to the representatives at One Legacy about organ donation, I knew without question that it was what she and Heavenly Father would want us to do. But when I was asked about donating her arm and leg bones I had to run outside and ask my husband "you're sure about us being restored to our most perfect form right? Cause if not Amanda's going to be really mad!" A year later I went through the temple to help amanda receive her endowments. During the washing and anointing part when the blessing says "you will walk and not be weary, run and not be faint" I heard amanda say, "See mom, I'm fine!" And I cried like a baby in relief. I already knew the answer to that question, but The Lord sent his reassurance anyway.

During Amanda's viewing and memorial service I felt like I, as well as my family, had arms wrapped around us. I never once thought to myself, "I can handle this on my own." Instead I gave myself up completely to The Lord and allowed him to help guide me through.  

When brother Mike Miller spoke at her service about the plan of salvation, I felt like The Lord was speaking directly to me, through him. Reminding me that Jesus was standing by Amanda's side pleading her case to our father in heaven. When one of her sisters questioned how god could take her Sister away, I held her tight and said "He is just as sad as we are. But he wants you to know that even though this was not his doing, he sent angels into our home to carry her spirit to him" The adversary wants us to believe this was gods doing so we will turn away from our one true savior. He knows the only way for us to see the blessings we received in the temple when our family was sealed together come to fruition is if we don't let our faith be shaken. Satan preyed on Amanda's moment of desperation, but he doesn't realize he lost because we have all just grown closer to god.

When a lady at the nail salon asked me in all sincerity if Mormons believed that suicide was a sin and that our daughter would go to hell. I looked her straight in the eyes and told her that the beauty of Heavenly Father is that he loves and forgives us all. That I can move forward each day because I know with every bit of my heart, mind, and soul that she is with Him.

When we were inspired to start the Amanda Panda CTR foundation to share the message to choose the right, I got on my knees to ask The Lord what he wanted me to do and how I, personally, should share this valuable message. I listened for his promptings and then followed them without question. When I have someone reach out to me  on our Facebook pledge page in a moment of despair, I always stop and ask Heavenly Father how I should respond, and if it's a teenager in need, I ask amanda to help me phrase what The Lord wants me to say in a way that will connect with someone her age.  I talk to them or text them until I am comfortable that they are okay. At the end of those moments, when I can finally let out a sigh of relief, I give thanks and say "WE did it. We saved another life today." I don't say "I" or "You" but we, because it is my reliance on Heavenly Father that I may hear and receive his message and my willingness to set aside my own thoughts to relay what he knows his special child needs to hear. This to me is spiritual self reliance.

I've shared this dream with some, but I'd like to share it with you again. This dream happened about a month after Amanda passed away. This dream was significant because I had stopped having dreams with amanda in them, just as had everyone else in our family. So when this dream occurred it was a reassurance of things I felt I knew, but spoken to me in a way I could understand them. I remember there was a faint odor coming from the side of our house. When I went to the side of the house, I found a doorway that led to a very long hallway that was connected to our house. Down that hallway were little pee puddles and near the end of that long hall was Spike, Amanda's chihuahua, lifting his leg on the wall, leaving a trail that led me straight to a room. Spike was looking at me like "can I make this anymore obvious... Follow me" When I opened the door to the room, Spike ran happily inside.  Inside the room was a bed like Amanda's and a big white fluffy down comforter just like she had. I was looking around the room and then looked at the bed when I saw the comforter move. Amanda was under the covers. She looked out at me and smiled and said "Hi mama". I looked down at her and said "Hi sweetie. I've missed you. What are you doing in this room?" She climbed out from under the fluffy comforter and said, "I'm helping some other kids cross to the other side. See... here comes one now." Then a little child appeared and she went to the wall, which appeared very thin, and she led the child through the wall saying "It's okay... go to Him." Then she climbed back under the comforter and pulled it up to her chin and said, "I love you mama." I said "I love you too baby", then I walked out of the room to find a Swiffer to clean up the pee puddles leaving Amanda to do her job.

Figures... I would finally have a dream with Amanda in it and all I can think about is cleaning up the pee puddles! I thought about that dream a lot though and find great peace in it. It assured me that she is okay. She still loves and knows us and that she is doing Heavenly Father's work.  It tells me that the veil is thin and she is still very close to us... as close as crossing over a hallway to another room. It also reminded me that following Spike was like following the spirit. if you are willing to listen and follow the spirit's promptings, good things will await you and you will be guided to the path that brings you to Him and those you love.

On another night, more recently, Amanda was on my mind a lot and I couldn't sleep, so I laid in bed reading. I heard her dog, Spike, start to whimper in his sleep and I wondered if he was having a bad dream. Then my mind raced to a thought that maybe he missed Amanda. Then I thought "what if he doesn't remember her?" And my tears started to fall like a faucet that had been left on. "Does she miss US? Does she miss me?" It was a moment of sad desperation. A mother needing to know that her daughter loved her and missed her. It's weird because I usually feel so secure in this knowledge, but this night, I needed a sign. I needed to know with all my heart that my Amanda loved me and missed me as much as i did her. I selfishly wanted to know that she was sad too. Not so sad that she couldn't be happy or that her heart ached from longing, but enough to miss us. So I prayed. I prayed that God would let her know how much I loved and missed her and that He would give a sign that she loved and missed me too. I prayed and I cried.

Eventually, I must have fallen asleep. I was deep in a world of comfort and much needed rest when I I was awoken by a kiss. A soft kiss planted gently on the upper left side of my lip. I moved my hand to that spot in bewilderment and confusion. When I touched that spot I felt a tiny seed of moisture right above where the sensation on my lip still lingered. A teardrop. I rubbed the moisture between my thumb and trigger finger in disbelief. Then I quickly felt my eyes to see if I was crying in my sleep. I wasn't. I sat up and studied my husbands sleeping position to see if maybe he gleeked me, but he was facing the opposite direction. As I searched desperately for a legitimate answer, I heard a tender chuckle say "mama... You asked for God and I to send you a sign. Why is it so hard to believe He would answer your prayer?" "I love you and I miss you more than you'll ever know, but I am ALWAYS with you."

So you may be thinking I'm crazy and that's okay because it's hard for me to believe too, but I am just going to try and accept it for what it was and needs to be for me. God heard my plea and answered my prayer. He allowed Amanda to give me a tender kiss and when she did, a tear drop fell from her eyes. She loves us. She misses us. And she is always with me. God hears our every prayer. The answers will come if we are patient and faithful. He will not leave us alone. He wants us to turn to him not just our moments of sorrow, but to lift up our voices in gratitude for all the subtle blessings in our life.

Having such strong spiritual connections to our Heavenly Father does not free us from the burdens and challenges of life. You may notice that I usually leave after sacrament. This new life of ours has brought with it challenges of dealing with depression and a need to experience more calmness and quiet moments with The Lord. I find myself sitting in our backyard having conversations with God as I soak in the sounds of a hummingbird stealing nectar from our flowers or feeling a gentle breeze swish through our trees. Each moment becomes a personal connection between the savior, The Lord, Amanda, and myself. I don't just wait for significant moments of beauty to remind me of this beautiful gift of life we have been given, I constantly seek out those moments. His love is all around us, it's in the laughter that fills our home from having Amanda's best friends over all the time. Itstares back at me from the eyes of Amanda's best friends little baby, Nathan. It's in the hugs and smiles my daughters share. I have a strong spiritual connection with The Lord because I WANT to have one, so I make an effort to keep him near.

Heavenly Father wants us to wrap HIS arms around ourselves, to carry his spirit with us always so our testimony can be a beacon of light to others. He wants us to be spiritually self reliant by being dependent upon him, not independent from him. I don't wish for anyone to experience the loss we have, but I do wish you could each have something that opens your heart and soul to the revelation that the relationship you have with your Heavenly Father is the most important one you will ever experience. I pray that you will find peace and strength in the knowledge that he is there to guide you through this journey back to Him.

 

The Words I Would Say

When I think of what Amanda would tell her friends to encourage them to keep living and not make the same mistake she did, this song by the Sidewalk Prophets often comes to mind. Be strong in The Lord and never give up hope. 

Live wisely and always choose the right.

Tears From Heaven

Have you ever prayed so hard for something that tears poured down your face and your heart ached from such a heavy plea? Well... I will go on record and say most days and nights I'm okay, but there are these moments when my heart is longing for Amanda and knowing I have to wait until we meet again in heaven is not enough for me. I know I can't have her back in the physical realm with us, so my prayers are never unrealistic. I usually pray that she is happy, knows how much we love and miss her, that she is able to watch over us and send us signs of her presence in our every day lives, and that she is growing and learning while building our castle in heaven. 

The other night, Amanda was on my mind a lot and I couldn't sleep, so I laid in bed reading. I heard her dog, Spike, start to whimper in his sleep and I wondered if he was having a bad dream. Then my mind raced to a thought that maybe he missed Amanda. Then I thought "what if he doesn't remember her?" And my tears started to fall like a faucet that had been left on. "Does she miss US? Does she miss me?" It was a moment of sad desperation. A mother needing to know that her daughter loved her and missed her. It's weird because I usually feel so secure in this knowledge, but this night, I needed a sign. I needed to know with all my heart that my Amanda loved me and missed me as much as i did her. I selfishly wanted to know that she was sad too. Not so sad that she couldn't be happy or that her heart ached from longing, but enough to miss us. So I prayed. I prayed that God would let her know how much I loved and missed her and that He would give a sign that she loved and missed me too. I prayed and I cried. 

Eventually, I must have fallen asleep. I was deep in a world of comfort and much needed sleep when I I was awoken by a kiss. A soft kiss planted gently on the upper left side of my lip. I moved my hand to that spot in bewilderment and confusion. When I touched that spot I felt a tiny seed of moisture right above where the sensation on my lip still lingered. A teardrop. I rubbed the moisture between my thumb and trigger finger in disbelief. Then I quickly felt my eyes to see if I was crying in my sleep. I wasn't. I sat up and studied my husbands sleeping position to see if maybe he gleeked me, but he was facing the opposite direction. As I searched desperately for a legitimate answer, I heard a tender chuckle in my mind say "mama... You asked for God and I to send you a sign. Why is it so hard to believe He would answer your prayer?" "I love you and I miss you more than you'll ever know, but I am ALWAYS with you." 

So you may be reading this thinking I'm crazy and that's okay because it's hard for me to believe too, but I am just going to try and accept it for what it was and needs to be for me. God heard my plea and answered my prayer. He allowed Amanda to give me a tender kiss and when she did, a tear drop fell from her eyes. She loves us. She misses us. And she is always with me. God hears our every prayer. The answers will come if we are patient and faithful. He will not leave us alone. For His love and the love of my sweet family, I will always be grateful and never question their depth again. 

Dear Chosen One

Dear Chosen One,

Yes. I am talking to you.

Why are you so surprised to hear you are chosen? Remember that The Lord knows each of us by name. He knows our wants, our fears, our joys, and our sorrows. He knows even when we can't find the words to lift up in prayer to Him. He is listening to your heart which speaks directly to His. You have been chosen to do great things. Things that you may consider ordinary and normal, like being kind and loving to others, are great in the eyes of The Lord. You have a light that shines so bright it is a beacon of hope to those whose worlds are dim. Do not let it burn out or dull. Feed the light through scripture reading, prayer, and doing good unto others. Walk upright as a chosen child of God should. Do not be discouraged. Do not grow weary of doing good. Life is hard and overwhelming sometimes, but you can find joy in the journey. Joy in a memory or a smile or the rain or sunshine. Look for the blessings in your life... count them one by one. There are many great things in store for you. If you find yourself struggling, I hope you will remember how special you are and that The Lord has plans for you greater than you can see.

I'd like to re-share with you a dream i had a couple months after Amanda passed away. It started off a little strange and irritating. I remember there was an odor coming from the side of our house. When I went to the side of the house, I found a doorway that led to a very long hallway that was connected to our house. Down that hallway were little pee puddles and near the end of that long hall was Spike, Amanda's chihuahua, lifting his leg on the wall, leaving a trail that led me straight to a room. When I opened the door to the room, Spike ran happily inside. Inside the room was a bed like Amanda's and a big white fluffy down comforter just like she had. I was looking around the room and then looked at the bed when I saw the comforter move. Amanda was under the covers. She looked out at me and smiled and said "Hi mama". I looked down at her and said "Hi sweetie. I've missed you. What are you doing in this room?" She climbed out from under the fluffy comforter and said, "I'm helping some other kids cross to the other side. See... here comes one now." Then a little child appeared and she went to the wall, which appeared very thin, like a white sheet, and she led the child through the wall saying "It's okay... go to Him." Then she climbed back under the comforter and pulled it up to her chin and said, "I love you mama." I said "I love you too baby", then I walked out of the room to find a Swiffer to clean up the pee puddles leaving Amanda to do her job.

Figures... I would finally have a dream with Amanda in it and all I can think about is cleaning up the pee puddles! I thought about that dream a lot though and find great peace in it. It assured me that she is okay. She still loves and knows us and that she is doing her job to help others cross the veil to be with their Heavenly Father. It tells me that the veil is thin and she is still very close to us... as close as crossing over a hallway to another room. It also reminded me that following Spike was like following the spirit. if you are willing to listen and follow the spirit's promptings, good things will await you.

One day I was sitting at church listening to the primary get up and talk about choosing the right. I swear to you Amanda's voice was screaming in my ears "I'm so sorry. I made ONE bad choice and I lost it all. I'm so sorry mom". What happened to Amanda that dreadful afternoon she left us was that in a split second a choice was made. The consequence of that choice were unintended and permanent. You are not super human. These vessels we call bodies are very fragile. You must protect them and keep them clean. You don't ever want to be that voice screaming down "I'm sorry". Remember these three simple words. Choose The Right. Carry them throughout everyday of your existence, when confronted with the pressures of of mortal life, repeat them or ask yourself "what would Jesus want me to do? " Be a friend to everyone, defend those that cannot defend themselves. Be kind. Find a way to make someone else smile. CTR.

Take the Choose the Right pledge

I pledge to...

Be kind and forgiving
Never bully or be cruel to others
Speak out for those who can’t
Share sincere compliments, hugs, and smiles
Reach out to someone when I feel lost or alone
Remember I am loved beyond measure
Think about the consequences of my actions
Make smart choices
Live wisely
Always Choose the Right

Remember that YOU are chosen. You are loved beyond measure.

Live wisely and always choose the right.

Kristen Andrews
https://www.facebook.com/AKAChooseTheRight

Green Blades of Grass

I lay here on this solid ground

In the spot you were laid to rest

Your body lies underneath me

But your soul lives in my chest

I place my hand upon the earth

Green blades run between my fingers

I try to clear my mind of thoughts

But the memory of you lingers

Flowers left beside your grave

Tell me others think of you too

We all know deep inside our hearts

This place is not where we will find you

Those places where we laughed together

Before you went away

Those are the places we will find you

Those are where your memory stays

And when we need to know you're near

A breeze will brush our cheek

Kisses from the heavens

For the words we can not speak

A hummingbird will share its joy

A star will shine brightly from above

A strangers smile will catch our eyes

And fill our hearts will love

God will send us subtle signs

To comfort us throughout our day

We must learn to find the beauty

In each gift He sends our way

Time can not separate us

Nor can this earth keep us apart

Green blades of grass between my fingers

Your life's song plays in my heart

For my daughter Amanda Kellie Andrews

Six Months...

It's hard to believe I have made it through 6 months without holding your little skinny body. Or having you purposely grind your bony butt in my lap after I scratched your back for a while. It's strange not smelling nail polish and nail polish remover every single day as I pass by your old room or the kitchen counter. Lauren just bought 25 new nail polish colors so I think she going to try and bring that Mandy smell back :) it's weird getting ready in the morning and not fighting over rug and mirror space with you. Lauren tries to hog the space, but eventually her nice side kicks in and she scoots over. I swear I can still hear your heavy footsteps pounding the floor of the hall. How could someone so tiny sound like freaking Bigfoot? 

If you were physically here with us I think you would like helping with your Amanda Panda Choose The Right foundation. It gets pretty tiring cutting pledge cards and wrapping wristbands, but it is also very rewarding. You would know just the right things to say to kids who leave us messages about how they are struggling. When I respond to them I never really feel like its me responding, but your voice through me. So thank you for staying with me and helping me out. 

I have to be honest and say when I had my surgery last month I was a little disappointed that nothing went wrong. If I could have just left this world for one short moment so I could see your face again and hold you in my arms, if even for a minute, it would have been all I needed. But no... I had an amazing surgeon and everything went perfectly well!

Shopping hasn't been any fun for me since you left us. I miss playing phone tag in the mall with you and your friends and hearing you tell them to stay close to me or I would be out of your sight within seconds making you try and find me by calling my phone to hear my ringtone. Now i just wander around aimlessly for a while and usually leave without buying a thing.  All I see and think is "that would look good on Amanda" and I want to buy it for you as a surprise because you loved surprises and they always made you smile and you would reward me with a big hug. 

Wow... Writing the word hug just made my eyes start to pour. I can't begin to tell you how much I miss our daily hugs. How you and Lauren would make a sandwich out of me in a hug and you would finish by grabbing my butt and Lauren would grab my chechees. I miss those silly poems you and Breanna would write back and forth and how you would spam her with a 100 text messages in one hour just because you were bored. I miss seeing the three of you hanging out in the kitchen or having girl talks in one of your rooms. I miss hearing your dad say " I bet I know what will make her smile!" when you were having a bad day and it didn't matter how grumpy you were, you would always grin from ear to ear when he pulled out his wallet and gave you a twenty. You were so stubborn too. Remember when your dad said something like "Amanda don't be stupid" so you didn't talk to him for two whole weeks until he apologized (and gave you a twenty).

I'm so glad you liked taking pictures of yourself because we have so many beautiful photos to look at now. My favorites are when your friends share some random picture or video we haven't seen before. Especially if you are talking  in it because I miss the sound of your voice so much. Nothing replaces the most beautiful image of you live and in person though. That's the one I really need. Sometimes I just close my eyes and picture you coming to lay on me or next to me to cuddle. I can feel the weight of your little body and the heat from your skin as you sink in next to me. I lay there and smell the scent from your freshly washed hair. It's wet against my skin, but I just gently move it to the side a little. Those are the memories I want to remember. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the memories of your angel day and my mind wants to replay every moment, every phone call, every hug, tear shed, and every last image. Then I try and drown out those thoughts with a sweet smile of yours instead or I have a good cry in my car or my office with my door closed, or at home in the bathtub/shower where the tears can run into the water. I just let it out and then I take a deep breath (and sometimes an anxiety pill). I quiet the voices in my head and listen gently for the one voice that will bring me comfort. The Lord has been good to me Amanda. He has wrapped His loving arms around me and allowed your arms to continue to circle me too so that I can have the strength to face each day without you physically here. We always said that you were the glue that bonded us together and now you are the glue that holds us together because we all want to be the best versions of ourselves for you. We have grown closer as a family and you are to thank for that. I know you are still with us. I feel you with us all the time. When your friends hang out at the house, I think they feel you there too.

We had such a great time celebrating your 17th birthday by singing you happy birthday at the cemetery with a large group of your friends and some adorable panda bear cupcakes that we made,  then we brought them back to the house for taco night two.

We made everyone come to our house this year for Christmas. I know you were there sitting around that table with us, smiling because you had everybody here in your favorite dwelling spot, surrounded  by tons of love.  I found that when you surround yourself with people who bring you joy that its hard t feel like you should be sad. I am so grateful for all of your friends (now our friends) who take the time to remember us. Who leave me random messages and check in with me to let me know they are doing okay. I appreciate even more though the trust they place in me when their hearts and minds are fragile and they reach out to me because they just need someone to listen and encourage them to keep going. Some of your friends come over just for hugs! I love that!

Your dads been talking about moving to a newer home that wouldn't require as much upkeep. I'm not a fan of the idea because we have so many memories of you growing up here, but I know we can take those memories with us where ever we go and that your spirit will come with us too if we ever make the move. Alyssa cried when she heard he wanted to move. I promised that we would stay here until they graduate from school so she and Ashten can keep coming over during the week to hang out. Alyssa keeps eating all the empanadas so its kind of like you are still here! 

While I don't think any of us will ever get over the sad days, we will get through them. I know we will because you will always be there to help us my little hummingbird (that hummingbird reference will have to be a whole blog post of its own! Your dad thinks I'm the crazy bird lady, but I don't care because it brings me joy) 

Well Stinkerbell... Give Walnut, Nana, Robin, grandpa Jack & George,grandma Helen, grandma Lola, my friend Robbie, Aliah, and baby J'Lynn a hug for me. I will always love you with all my heart. I know 6 months is nothing compared to the years we have left until we are no longer separated, but I'm going to try and just take one breath and one day at a time until I see you again. Thank you for the strength you give us to carry on. I love you baby girl. Forever and ever, to the moon and back, billions and billions Carl Sagan Gee Paw. 

Love mama

How Social Media Helped Heal Community

Social Media is an interesting phenomena. Some people use social media to share what they had for breakfast or what they are listening to while others post vacation photos or clever sayings. Some postings are song lyrics with no explanation that leave you wondering if it was just a song that person liked or if there is something you need to be concerned about. Social media is also a place to learn and share articles, viewpoints, and perspectives with others across vast geographical locations who have common interests. Some people use social media to rant about political opinions and some people do not post anything at all. Choosing to quietly observe (cyber-stalk you might say) the lives of friends and acquaintances. Until recently, my personal interest in Facebook had become more of an observer than a contributor and I found myself on Twitter to learn, grow, and communicate with people in the health care industry. I have a few friends on Twitter where more personal exchanges would occur, but I typically used Twitter on a professional level.  In July, when my daughter passed away, my impressions and ideas on how and who used social media were completely flipped. 

I recall quite vividly standing in my backyard with my family, huddled a few yards away from all the friends and family who came as soon as they heard of Amanda's passing. We were waiting for the coroner to arrive and praying that she would let us see our daughter before taking her body away. My husband, in a protective fatherly panic said "We need to shut down Amanda's Facebook wall." I knew his concern was that people were going to talk about how she died, instead of how she lived.  No one wants to hear, see, or talk about death by suicide, especially the family of the victim.  In that moment I was filled with complete confidence and assurance that her wall needed to stay up. Looking at him and then my two older daughters, I said "I understand where you are coming from, but I am going to have to disagree with you. Her friends are going to need a place to express their feelings, pour out their pains, and share their memories. I think this can be a place for them to heal each other." I asked our girls what their thoughts were and they were in agreement. The wall should stay up. 

Within 24 hours a twitter friend of mine started a prayer chain with others on Facebook and love came pouring in. Over the days that followed, we watched as Amanda's friends and even strangers expressed how Amanda impacted their lives. They shared loss and memories through stories and pictures. If one friend posted a comment that was concerning, ten teens responded with "call/text me now" or words of encouragement. I, personally, took to another form of social media, blogging, to express my emotions. We even stumbled upon a "Choose the Right" (CTR) blogpost that Amanda had written the year prior which became the inspiration for her memorial service that was attended by nearly 1000 people. We wondered if the those attending her service would take her message to heart. that answer was answered almost immediately after her service, when Amanda's Facebook wall was flooded with posts by kids promising to choose the right. Teens vowing to stop cutting themselves, try harder in school, or just be kinder to people. Others sending private messages confessing their attempts at suicide and promising they would never try it again. I have learned over the past several months which messages I should reply to and which ones are meant to be a private message to Amanda. Some messages led to phone calls or long nights of texting back and forth between myself and someone who was on the edge of making a permanent decision. We used Amanda's Facebook wall to share information on depression recognition, self harm and suicide prevention sessions sponsored by the YMCA and a wonderful group called Five Acres. After a couple weeks of messages, wall posts, and other comments our family realized that our youth, teens, and young adults are fragile souls that need help, guidance, and to know they are loved. So we started the process of forming a non profit foundation to keep Amanda's CTR message alive. A Facebook "Amanda Panda's Choose The Right" page was created where people could take the pledge to choose the right by liking the pledge wall. Those that leave their address behind are mailed a free CTR wristband to remind them of their pledge.

In our family community of Monrovia, California, over 2200 people have officially liked the Facebook pledge wall and, with the help of Amanda's friends and other community members, we have given out over 5500 wristbands that have reached from our city all the way to New Zealand and England. Our nonprofit status has been finalized and our website is up. Recently we challenged ourselves to get 2000 page likes by Amanda's 17th birthday. To help with that effort, our local online newspaper "The Monrovia Patch" helped us share our message generating about 40 page likes within the first couple hours after publishing.  Forty may seem like a small number, but every time someone likes our page on Facebook, it shares it in their personal feed for their friends to see, sharing our message with anyone that follows them. 

Through social media, we have been able to connect with other groups with similar interests, banding together to help keep our youth and loved ones ALIVE. I don't know what we would have done had this occurred in a time where technology was not available to allow these opportunities to share, communicate, and heal each other. 

Live wisely and Always Choose the Right!

Cousin to Cousin... Heart to Heart

My letter to Mandy(from her cousin Matt)

I remember when I saw the pictures you posted from your senior prom on Facebook. You looked even more stunning than when you went the year before and you looked like you were having an even better time with your friends. With me living clear across the country, I was looking forward to being able to at least see a glimpse of how beautiful you looked, knowing that I couldn’t be there in person.

But I did get to see you in person at your high school graduation. Now I know that on your big day I was just a face in a supportive crowd, but the hug you gave me let me know that you appreciated my efforts to cheer you on. You once again looked beautiful in your cap and gown and I couldn’t have been more proud to see you celebrating with your friends.

Twice I’ve mentioned your beauty, but neither time compared to how you looked years later in your wedding dress. I remember being especially honored that your invites extended even to family members that you didn’t see but maybe once a year. I will never forget Katie, Lauren and Breanna standing by your side as you said your vows. Or taking my seat with Brian and Uncle Matt as we all struggled to be manly men and fight back tears. Or giving a hug to Aunt Kristen and a handshake to Uncle Rich, telling them they did well with their no-longer-a baby girl.

But most of all, I remember how these memories aren’t memories at all. They are scenarios that I play out in my head, through my imagination, because that is the only way they are possible. My beautiful cousin has become a memory, one that comes with equal amounts of joy and sorrow.

When I met you, you were a young thing. maybe 5 or 6. My life took me away from California mere months before you were born and for some reason it took years for a visit back to my home state before we were introduced to one another. In fact, it was my first time meeting the entire Andrews clan - my “new” Uncle Rich, cousin Breanna and you. Admittedly, my relationship with those two would grow over the years but there was something about you that I was drawn to immediately. You weren’t exactly an open book, but when you did peel back a layer we had a lot of fun.

The annual summer visits continued and so did our times together. When I made visits to the LA area, I spent the majority of my time with the Saver clan. But the times you and your sisters were able to come along were always memorable. The funny thing is I actually remember my cousins getting jealous that I would spend more time with you than them (something I will argue to this day, I thought it was pretty even). But really, it wasn’t just me - everyone wanted to spend more time with you. Whether it was chasing you in the wave pool at Raging Waters or having karate demonstrations in the living room, you were so much fun to be around.

As you grew up, the personality of a “little kid” started to fade and a young woman started to come into the picture. But what was so great about it is that you never lost sense of who you were. You may not have said it out loud, but your family was so important to you. I could tell by the way you interacted with you sisters and your cousins and aunts and uncles. And me. You were always much more of a cuddly person than some of us were so when you would lay on my lap on the couch at first I wasn’t sure what to do. But now, I wish nothing more than to feel your embrace once again.

What’s sad is all these great memories I personally have, they now come with a price. The price of knowing that I will never be able to make more. For reasons that only you will know, you exited this world in July. At 16 years old, you were gone.

Getting the call from Katie will go down as one of the worst days of my life. And there lies where the hurt really begins to come. As much I wanted to see you more (as well as all of my West Coast family), I was a once-every-summer kind of relative. So while it’s going to hit me hard the next time I come for a visit and you won’t be there, it kills me that everyone in that area has had to go without your presence in their day to day life.

Especially your parents. I can’t pinpoint the exact time it happened, but your mom and I have gotten really close over the last few years. And your dad is someone who I have grown to respect as a person after just a few hours of work and conversation in the back yard. To watch both of them have to make preparations for their 16-year-old daughter’s funeral is gut wrenching.

I have no idea how your mom keeps it together. Maybe she doesn’t and she only shows the good days. But I have used her as a source of strength in the past few months. If she can keep going through all of this, I can make it through anything. And your dad... well let’s just say his speech at your funeral is a moment I will never forget. To hear a father talk about the daughter he will never hold again brings tears to my eyes right now just to think about.

And your sisters. You look at pictures of the three of you and you know that you guys had something special. Anytime that I start to think of you, I think of them. And then I think my own brothers and a stepsister who I am fortunate to have as family and I can’t begin to think what they are going through.

Then come your Saver cousins, Katie and Brian, both roughly the same age as you. They weren’t prepared for this and shouldn’t have to handle facing life without you. You came to Katie’s graduation (one of the greatest days I have ever been a part of) and they were supposed to come to yours.

But on a personal note, the one that gets to me the most is my Uncle Matt. He has always been like a second father to me and to hear him get emotional, something I have never seen or heard, gets to me. And when I watch the video that Katie made of you and I see him holding you when you were so young, I can see why. He watched you grow up and he loved you like his own daughter.

You see, it’s all this. All of this heartache that we all as a family - parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents - have to now deal with. And throw your friends in there because a fact I have had to come to terms with is that a lot of them knew you much better than I did. And they are all hurting now and will continue to. And the reason why we are all hurting is something I will never understand. Knowing that your death came at your own hands is such a hard concept to grasp. It makes me equally sad that you felt whatever you felt and angry because you acted on it.

But somehow - through the anger, the sorrow, the tears, the frustration - something has happened. Yes, the reason for my visit to California in July came under terrible circumstances. But it was honestly one of the best visits I’ve had. In a way, your death has brought all of us even closer together. I was around the right people I needed to be around and we laughed when we needed to and we hugged when we needed to.

And I just wish I could hug you now. When I see a picture of you, I just want to wrap you in my arms so tight that it’s uncomfortable. But even more important than the longing to see you again, the realization that you’re no longer here or the emotions surrounding both of those thoughts - is CTR.

You had no idea that when you posted that blog it was going to become a movement. That when you talked about Choose The Right, that it would become a mantra your friends and family - and now complete strangers - would adopt. You made a decision that day that I know with everything that I have that you would take back if you could. But we are moving forward with a movement of trying to instill that thought process into everyone else. Times are going to be tough but when faced mounting obstacles there is a path in front of us to choose. And we have the knowledge and the power to always choose the right.

I was talking to a friend tonight about you and how I have so many emotions bottled up. She suggested to write a letter to you to get it all out and I agreed. This is a concept that I started months ago but could never bring myself to work on. Now, in the past half hour I’ve just let my fingers do the talking. I’m not going to go back and edit because if I could see you again I wouldn’t be able to control what I would say.

But I would say all the things I never got the chance to - I love you. I miss you. And for you, I will always, always choose the right.

-- Matt

Amanda's Gratitude

I started out this morning with the intention of writing a blog about all of the things I am thankful for in my life, but was quickly derailed by my lovely daughter, Amanda, who excitedly asked me to write her list first. I know this may sound crazy, but I swear to you she talks to me all the time. She probably talks to you too, but you don't want anyone to think YOU are crazy so you just check it off as a memory or something Amanda would have said. But I have learned that those voices are not to be denied. Those are visits and Amanda has messages that she wants shared. Messages which turn in to blogs if I am willing to take the time to write them out. I'm going to try and write this one as I'm hearing her say it, so if there is sarcasm or humor, just know that Amanda is OUR daughter and that makes complete sense to me. Here it goes...

The first thing Amanda is grateful for is a loving Father in Heaven.  "I know you thought you loved me the most, but He REALLY loves me! Boy am I glad he's forgiving too. I know I wasn't perfect, but He treats me like I am."

I'm grateful that Jesus Christ sacrificed himself for me and for each of you. I may not have understood that very well before, but I know it now. He died so that we could live. Not just as mortal beings, but as spiritual beings when our time on earth was through. He provided a way for our family to always be together. All that stuff they talked about in church makes sense now. "Things that are bound on earth are bound in heaven." That means that even death cant separate us. I can't wait to see my family again one day, but I hope they take their time!

I'm grateful for my family, including all of my extended family. We really are a great family. We love each other... and not in the past tense just because I'm gone from them physically. Everyone always said I was the bond that connected us to one another. Our family is crazy, nutty, and maybe not that normal, but we are a good family and we will always be connected to each other. I love my parents and my sisters. I'm blessed that they are mine.

I LOVE my dogs Spike, Ollie, and Coco. They still make me laugh every day. I know some people think I am gone, but I'm not. I'm right here with you all the time. Which means I can still play with my dogs! I love it when you come over and play with my dogs too.

I am so grateful for all of my friends. Friends that were like sisters and brothers to me. Sometimes we would fight, but that didn't stop us from being friends. I am so proud of how strong they have been. I never meant to hurt anyone. Heck, I didn't really mean to hurt myself. I hope they all know how much they are really, really loved. I know some of you have been going through a really difficult time, but hang in there. I know that doesn't sound right because I left early, but I wouldn't have if I had thought it through and I honestly didn't mean to. Trust me... It will get better. There are great things in store for you.  Every time I see one of you go visit with my family or leave them a note, it makes my heart smile. I see how you have helped each other and perfect strangers who needed a smile too and it makes me grateful for each of you. You are all meant to do great things!

I am grateful that my parents found my blog post and shared the message about Choosing the Right. You guys probably would have laughed at me if I went around saying that before, but you get how important those three words can be and you have helped share that message and helped save other kids who needed to hear it. You are the bomb! Keep it going. Don't stop reaching out to others. You are making a difference every single day and I am so proud of you!

I am grateful for every moment I had with each of you. You made my life happy and full. You gave me things to laugh about every day. Thanks for being my family and friends. Thanks for being you. This is my favorite time of the year. Actually, from now until Christmas are my favorite times because it meant we would be spending time with family and I would be getting presents. Hey... what can I say... I love presents! Clothes, shoes, make-up... this is my time of the year! It kind of sucked that my birthday was right before Christmas because my presents were just kind of split up. It didn't help that I picked out all of my own stuff and would sneak in to my moms closet and wear them then put them back again right before my birthday or Christmas. Then on Christmas everything I opened I had already worn so that kind of took the fun out of it. My mom would always sneak me some extra money on the side to make me smile again. Here's what I've learned though... their is so much more to this season than receiving. Given is way better. Give a smile, a hug, an act of service, some kind words, help your mom or dad, or whoever you live with, around the house. Give one of your gifts to someone who has less than you. It will feel great. I promise you.

Anyhow... I've got my own work to do here and I think my mom has her own writing to do. Thanks for being you! I love you guys. Be grateful and love each other. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Live wisely and always Choose the Right!!!

AKA
Amanda
Mandy
Mandykins
Mama Panda
Manda Panda
Manda
Amanda Kellie
Stinkerbell
Stink
Babe (oh yeah... You know who you are - I was your babe)

Investing in You

Today I finally worked up the courage to close out Amanda's bank account. It was getting hard to get those monthly reminders that I had yet one more thing left to do. 

Something you need to know about Amanda is that she LOVED having a bank account because she LOVED money. She was so excited that Bank of America would allow her to have a debit card connected to her account at 14, instead of having to wait until she was 16. She has the Judd's to help thank for her ability to qualify. They would have her come out to Utah each summer and she would work for them selling anything that glows at special events, truck rallies, and fairs. She also babysat their boys on the days that Mandy J. would work part time. She made quite a bit of money during those summers, and while she did her best to spend most of it buying new clothes, she also came home with a few hundred dollars each time to put in the bank. The day she and I went to open her account, she explained to the bank officer that she was good at saving money during the summer and wanted a safe place to keep it. The bank officer smiled at the confident young lady in front of her and agreed to wave the age limit. From that day on, anytime Amanda had a few extra dollars in her pocket, she would ask if we could go to the bank so she could put it in her account. If the ATM would have accepted change, that would have gone in there too. Every time we would go to the bank she would count out her money, including her change, and then ask me if I wanted to add some to her fund. Before getting out of the car, she would say, "I'll give you my .63 cents (or whatever change she had dangling in her pocket) if you give me a dollar." I would always laugh and give her the dollar, even though I always let her keep her change. 

So, as you can imagine, today's task was not an easy one for me. Pulling Amanda's death certificate out of my hope chest where some of my dreams stay tucked away was difficult. Explaining why I needed to close the account and filling out the forms was hard too. But more than anything, I felt like I was closing out a part of her and I just didn't want to do that. I've given a lot of thought as to what I would do with the amount that was in Mandy's account. It really wasn't much because this summer she didn't go to Utah like she usually does, so her funds were running low. Still... I had to ask myself, "Do I give it to her sisters or buy one of her friends something?" I kept thinking about what she would want me to do. Then, as the bank teller was handing me over her money, a total of $26.80, it hit me. 

I collected her money and started across the street to Citibank, where we opened Amanda's non-profit foundation account (AKA Amanda Panda Foundation). As I was walking across the street, I heard Mandy's smiling voice in my head teasing me saying "Mom, I'll give you my .80 cents if you give me a dollar to make it even." So that's what I did. I spotted her the dollar and put the money in the ATM, just like she would have done. Yes... it was hard, but I realized her interests have changed too and though I closed out the old account, I helped her invest in something even more important. Saving lives. Together... we are investing in each of you. Know that you are all loved beyond measure. 

Live wisely... and always Choose The Right. 

http://www.facebook.com/AKAChooseTheRight

The Song of the Hummingbird

The week before Amanda left us, she and I spent quite a bit of time together in the backyard in our new recliner lounge chairs. I would read and she would text. I liked having her lay next to me. Even if we weren't always talking, I felt connected to her. It made me happy knowing she would actually WANT to hang out with me. Over the past few months I've found myself trying to take a moment to sit quietly each day and listen to the sounds around me and take in the beauty of my surroundings. It's my personal time to think about my life and feel connected to our Heavenly Father and, through that connection, I feel closer to Amanda. My favorite place to take these quiet moments is in my backyard where the trees sway with each gentle breeze and the worries of each day seem to melt away from me.  It may seem strange to some, but I swear I can feel Amanda sitting in the chair right next to me. I keep wishing I'll look over and see her texting like everything was back to normal.

I noticed a few days after Amanda passed that there were a couple hummingbirds that would come visit out backyard to suck the sweet nectar out of our flowers. There is something about a hummingbird that brings my heart so much joy. Perhaps it's because they come fluttering so quickly in and out of our lives. They make a humming or buzzing noise when they are near by. Sometimes I can see them and sometimes I can only hear them. 

Did you know Hummingbirds are always on the verge of starvation and because they have such a high metabolism, they come close to dying every night? When they wake in the morning it takes them almost a half hour to come out of their groggy state where they then rush to find life sustaining nectar and food. Do these characteristics sound like anyone else you know?  This was Amanda every day! Always humming. Always finding joy and making hearts smile. Always telling me that she was starving and in need of tacos :)

Her sweet spirit still surrounds me. It lifts me up with a gentle constant hum. I'm so grateful for the sweet hummingbirds that sing their songs to my souls and remind me of her and how much I am loved.

Pressing Forward

Last week I had a couple days that were a little overwhelming for me. (Pretty much for everyone really) But for me personally it was like my head just told my heart that this is real. I know it is true. I mean, I'm not in denial, but there are days when it really sinks in that I won't be able to hold you in my arms anytime soon and that I can only hold you in my heart and my memories. There are times when my grief is so strong  that I have to get on my knees and ask the Lord to carry that burden for me for a while. And you know what? He always does. He always grants me peace so I can recover my strength.

I still struggle with dreaming and I wish I could see you more. Last week I had a another strange dream. In this dream I was having a team meeting and for some reason, we were all given a task of describing our homes. People on my team were talking about traditional, modern, Spanish, and craftsman style homes and when it was my turn to describe my home all I could say is "My home is just walls that hold the love inside. My home has been visited by angels. My home is peaceful, but can also be so sad and lonely sometimes." In my dream I started crying because my heart was missing you and all the ways you helped fill our home with love, laughter, and joy. I felt sadness like I haven't felt in some time. My boss and friend, Gail, decided she would drive me home. She was there for me and she knew I just needed someone to be with, even if it was just in silence. Right before we left I decided I should run back inside and go to the bathroom. (Funny how pee keeps playing a role in my dreams. Perhaps I should stop drinking water before bed!) As I was going back up the steps there was an elderly Hispanic woman starting to go down them. Her daughter and granddaughter were with her, but both kept walking while she struggled with each step. So I reached out my hands to her to help her down. She looked at me with deeply sad eyes. I knew that loss. I've felt that sadness. With both of her hands in mine, she slowly made her way down two steps. Her granddaughter appeared behind me and told her in Spanish to hurry up. The old woman looked backward towards a past she wasn't ready to leave behind and then forward, towards a future that wasn't coming fast enough, then she sat down on the steps. Tired of fighting the currents of life. I sat down next to her, still holding one of her hands. I was tired too. Her granddaughter just stood there staring at us like we were both crazy. Neither of us cared though. We sat there for a minute or two gathering our strength. Then I gave her hand a squeeze and whispered in Spanish, "Shall we try again?" She squeezed my hand back and took a deep breath. Taking her other hand in mine, I slowly helped her to her feet once more.   When she reached the bottom step her granddaughter put her arm around her and with understanding in her eyes, allowed me to transfer the weight of her grandmothers burdens to her. By helping this beautiful old woman, I was able to release my own sadness and feel gratitude for all I've been given. 

What does it all mean? Sometimes it feels like people want us to move through our sorrows and leave them behind.  But to leave behind our sorrows means we would also have to leave behind the memories that brought us happiness to begin with. They don't want to see us sad or cry, but sometimes that's exactly what we need. What I need. I believe this dream was a reminder to me that it is okay to take a break from the busyness of this life. Its okay to stop and feel my heartache and release my tears. We also need to be aware that there are others out there who feel just as we do and by reaching out to them, whether it is to lift them up or just sit with them while they gather their strength, you can find peace and joy in yourself as well. 

I think I've always tried to be live a full life, but your passing has changed me in so many ways, and almost all of them for the better. I take time to slow down and listen to life. The hummingbird that makes its soft noise before it steals nectar from our plants, the swishing sound the trees make as a breeze blows gently through its branches, each word of a song meant for me to hear in the moment I need it most, and the whispers of the still small voice that reminds me you are near. I purposely look for moments of happiness to fill my world instead of dwelling on the whole you've left behind. Our house may be empty of your physical being, but your spirit stills dwells within each of us and within our home. I am never alone. I know there will be times when each step will take all of my strength and I may need to lean on others at times, but I promise if YOU keep reaching down to help me up, I will not give up. I will find the strength within myself to keep pressing forward through this journey and will look for ways to lighten or share someone elses burdens for awhile. 

Connections

Well love, it's been a couple weeks since I've written for you. I can't begin to express how much I miss you. How I wish I could turn back time and take away the hurt you felt that day so our world could be happy again. Dad and I drove to Utah last weekend to visit with the Melton's because Jeff's health has been deteriorating. Jeff was able to stay up for nearly three hours to visit with us and he even sang us a special song that he wrote for you as if it was coming from me. 

Jeff wanted to know if there was a message he could give to you. Your dad and i took turns sharing our thoughts with him. I gave Jeff the biggest hug I want him to give to you. It was long, full of love, and both of us were crying. I told him to tell you I love you and I miss you and I'm sorry if I didn't hear something you were trying to tell me. I asked him to give Aliah a hug from her mom, Camille, and her sister, Lauren too and to give a kiss to baby J'Lynn for Alicia and her grandma, your Aunt Kim. Of course we stayed with the Judd's while we were in Utah. It is evident that everyone thinks of you often. Nathan, Mandy, and I were having a conversation and by the end we were all tearing up a bit. Sometimes I have to really fight to hold back my tears and it is comforting when I'm with someone who is okay if a few teardrops fall. Most of the time I save my tears for my car rides to and from work though. It's like my safe zone. I have to tell you though, the makers of my "waterproof" eyeliner failed to consider the strength of a grieving mothers tears! 

Camille and I have become friends and Facebook pen pals, bonded by similar circumstances. Her daughter Aliah left them at the age of fourteen, a little over a year ago. I know neither of you thought your actions through and never intended for your actions to be this final. I'm so sorry for the hurt and helplessness that you felt in that very moment that led you to such a desperate action. I get this feeling that you and Aliah have come together, just as we have been connected with her family. We are all bonded to each other now. We are family.  It's nice to be able to share my feelings with someone who understands the loss I feel. The way the memories of that dreadful day can try and steal away the beautiful memories of a lifetime. Aliah's sister Lauren was so brave. One day she took a moment to reach out to me to share their story and from that very moment, I felt like you and Aliah were helping our paths intertwine. Lauren even reached out to your sister, Lauren and they were able to share things with each other that others might not understand. One day I went to the cemetery to sit with you and there were two birds that kept flying over my head. With each fly over they would let out a scream. I really felt like that was you and Aliah telling me you had found one another. I laughed out loud and said, "Are you trying to tell me you found each other?" and those darn birds came and screamed at me again. That really made me smile, because it almost sounded like one of those crazy noises you would make when you were being silly. Then Aliah's mom, Camille experienced a dream where she saw you two together. Camille just joined Facebook and she and I have become so close through just a few messages. I feel like I can tell her anything and we are able to lift each other up on those difficult days.

I know the Lord knows that we will have difficult days ahead, to say the very least, and he has placed people in our lives with your help who will support us in those times, just as we will be here to support them when they need someone to help carry them through. Amanda - your friends have become our family. There are days when our house seems so quiet without you here and one or two of them will randomly show up to do homework or just hang out. They fill our home with your memories and laughter. I know that they come here when they are feeling down to be comforted by your sweet spirit that remains, but I don't know if they realize how much we are comforted by their presence too. 

We continue to spread your Choose the Right message through your pledge wall. Together, with the help of your friends, we have distributed almost 3000 wristbands. One of your friends was wearing your wristband on the bus and a man asked her what CTR meant. She explained it to him and he immediately went on to Facebook to learn more about it. As she explained it so eloquently, "It's like a trickle effect. One person wears a wristband and shares the message with someone else. That person is so moved that they vow to take the pledge as well. That means another life can be saved and everyone wearing a wristband is connected by your message and the pledge to live wisely and always choose the right. You are changing lives every day, even from beyond the veil. Thank you for helping us make these connections my love. I know that you and Aliah are watching over us. I am so very proud to be your mom. I love you stinkerbell. 

- mama panda's mama

Dreams

It funny how the mind protects people in their most fragile states, turning off pieces of memories for a time. Perhaps it is so our minds can simply rest from all of the 'what if's' allowing time to heal. We've talked about that as a family... it seems we've all stopped dreaming since Amanda's passing. Or at least, none of us can recall our dreams. But I think that is the Lords way of saying, "Be gentle and patient. She has work to do here. When she is ready AND when YOU are ready, she will come to you. Rest now. Be still and know that I am with her and I am here for you."

I had one night when I was starting to fall asleep when I could almost feel her cuddled in my arms and smell the sweetness of her clean wet hair. I breathed her in as if she was truly there. I could feel our breaths move together, one breath in for each breath out. I know it was just me, but in that state of near sleep, it felt so real to me and I just treasured that moment. It hurts sometimes because I want to see Amanda so desperately and I feel like all of my memories come from pictures around my house. I don't want to remember her through snapshots, I want to know and feel her in each moment. 

I've missed dreaming. Sometimes her friends write about how Amanda came to them in a dream and it makes me smile because it's like she is going to the people who needed it the most. She is handling the most fragile first. I feel like she has never left us, at least in spirit, but still... I want her to come to me too. 

Last night I slept without any dream recollection, then woke up for a bit and fell back asleep. In my second round of sleep early this morning, I got my wish. A dream with Amanda in it... at last :)

It started off a little strange and irritating. I remember there was an odor coming from the side of our house that smelled a little like dog pee. When I went to the side of the house, I found a doorway that led to a very long hallway that was connected to our house. Down that hallway were little pee puddles and near the end of that long hall was Spike, Amanda's chihuahua, lifting his leg on the wall, leaving a trail that led me straight to a room. When I opened the door to the room, Spike ran inside. Inside the room was a bed like Amanda's and a big white fluffy down comforter just like she had. I was looking around the room and then looked at the bed when I saw the comforter move. Amanda was under the covers. She looked out at me and smiled and said "Hi mama". I looked down at her and said "Hi sweetie. I've missed you. What are you doing in this room?" She climbed out from under the fluffy comforter and said, "I'm helping some other kids cross to the other side. See... here comes one now." Then a little child appeared and she went to the wall, which appeared very thin, like a white sheet, and she led the child through the wall saying "It's okay... go to Him." Then she climbed back under the comforter and pulled it up to her chin and said, "I love you mama." I said "I love you too baby", then I walked out of the room to find a Swiffer to clean up the pee puddles leaving Amanda to do her job.

Figures... I would finally have a dream with Amanda in it and all I can think about is cleaning up the pee puddles! I thought about that dream a lot today though and found great peace in it. It assured me that she is okay. She still loves and knows us and that she is doing her job to help others cross the veil to be with their Heavenly Father. It tells me that the veil is thin and she is still very close to us... as close as crossing over a hallway to another room. It also reminded me that Spike thinks he owns that little girl, but sometimes his possessiveness can come in handy. I know I won't be blessed with dreams every day, but I will learn to cherish each one I am given, just as I've learned to find the beauty in this loss of ours. It may be a while before I see Amanda again in the spirit world, until then, I will keep her in my dreams.