My sweet Amanda,
It saddens me to hear that you hate to play the piano because I want so much to see you happy, smiling, and laughing ALL the time. There is a side of me that would like to cave in to your request and allow you to quit; just like we let you quit karate and kung-fu when you were tired of those activities; or like when I let you go to the beach with Lauren instead of going to summer school, or going on vacation with daddy when you should be starting and enjoying your first few days of a new school and a new phase of your life. I call these making concessions, but since you are still probably too young to understand the real meaning of this word, I’ll rephrase it and call these moments when I cave in to your desires… compromises. You know… that fine line where we meet somewhere in the middle. You give me something, and I give you something back.
Our compromise for allowing you to stop going to Kung-fu was that you would take piano lessons – something you really wanted to do. Each of these activities costs your dad and me money. We paid for a uniform and lessons for karate and kung-fu, and when you grew tired of that and wanted to play the piano, we bought you a keyboard and found you a great teacher who really cares about you, but someone who still costs us over a hundred dollars every month. It was worth sacrificing that money because it made you happy and we LOVE to see you smile. In a few months, I’m sure you will be complaining about having to take your running lessons too. But that’s your job as a kid. Our job is to make you do things you may or may not like to open your mind up to new experiences and provide influences in your life that will make you a better person – your job is to either accept and be grateful or complain about all those things we try to give you.
In school, I learned about a phrase called “opportunity costs”. This phrase really hit home to me because it means that for every opportunity or chance to do something we want, we have to give up something else we would have liked to do or have. We all have things we would like to do and we all have things we have to do. Sometimes we get frustrated with the things we HAVE to do because we know there is something else we could be doing; something that we really want to do. (Like having to go to work all day instead of lounging around the house doing nothing with you.) Your dad and I have “opportunity costs” or things we sacrifice every day so that you can have a happy life. We want you to have things that we didn’t have when we were your age. We want you to have opportunities that we didn’t have. We want only the best for you, but to have the best for you, we have to give up things that we want to give you that. We both work all day so we can give you those things. We both work and live with aches and pains of aging bodies but we pretend like everything is always fine, because we don’t want you to feel our pains too. I would love to have my nails done every week, but that adds up fast and to pay for my nails, I might have to give up purchasing something that you want – like a new pair of shoes or a new pair of skinny jeans. That’s why we understand that by asking you to practice the piano; we know you have to give up something else that is more interesting to you. Yes… even and 11 year old has to deal with things like “opportunity costs”.
Anyway, I’ve been thinking about whether it is fair that we ask you to practice the piano for 20 minutes a day and go to a lesson once a week. I mean… 20 minutes is a long time when you are 11 years old. But let’s be honest about this, I ask you to practice for 20 minutes a day, but you usually only practice for about 5-10 minutes after I have asked you 3-4 times and since I only press the issue on days when I feel like I have the energy to fight with you over it, you really only practice a couple times a week – if even that. Practicing 2 times a week for 5-10 minutes at the MOST comes out to 20 minutes in one week.
I know math isn’t your best subject and that “Piano”, as you said it, “doesn’t help with math”, but let’s try a little math here to see how much of your time I am really asking. Let’s try it a couple ways: The first thing we need to know is how much time is in a day:
1 week = 7 days
1 day = 24 hours 7 days x 24 hours = 168 hours
1 hour = 60 minutes 168 hours x 60 minutes = 10080
60 minutes x 24 hours = 1440 minutes in every day
168 hours x 60 minutes = 10,080 minutes in every week
The next calculation is as if you actually listened to me and practiced EVERY single day for 20 minutes. You have 1440 minutes in each day and we ask you to practice for 20 minutes:
1440 minutes/day – 20 min/day = 1420 remaining minute each day
This means you still have 1420 minutes to play, watch TV, eat, surf the internet, and clean up your room, shower, and sleep.
Just to be really fair, we should consider how much time we are really asking of you to practice each week.
20 min/day x 7 day’s = 140 min/week
10,080 minutes /week – 140 min/week = 9940 remaining min/week
Or
60 min/140 min = 2 hours and 20 minutes a week out of 168 hours that you have each week – which only leaves you with 165.8 hours per week to do whatever you want.
What on earth are you going to do for the remaining 165.8 hours each week!!!
Look… I understand you not wanting to practice… I really do. I remember how badly I wanted a piano when I was your age and when my parent’s bought me an organ, instead of a piano (which has a totally different sound!), I took the six lessons they paid for and then never played it again – at least not when they were home and could hear me. I wanted them to know that it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted to hurt them for not knowing and getting me what I really wanted… a piano. The sad thing is, I think I did hurt them. I know my parents didn’t have very much money and it was a very big sacrifice to buy me that organ. But I was being selfish and only thought about me and how it affected me. There were times though, when my heart felt sad and I knew I was all alone, I would go and sit at the organ. I would slide my fingers over the keys and just wish I could play it. That I hadn’t given up on something I wanted so badly once. There is something about knowing how to play a musical instrument that kind of frees your soul when it is hurting. I heard a saying once “when words fail, music speaks”. Music has a way of helping you smile on the outside; it can warm you on a rainy day and comfort you when you feel alone. Maybe that’s why I love to listen to music all the time… because I don’t have the ability to create my own. I wish I could play the piano now and I am seriously thinking about taking lessons with you because I want that creative form of release in my life. I want to be able to sit down at my piano and pour my heart into a melody. I wish I had the ability to read music like you do. It seems to come so easily to you. When you want to play and open up your heart to the melody, you play so beautifully. When I hear you practicing, even when you are mad at me for making you, I hear the sound of your future. Not as someone who is playing music for everyone else to hear, but someone who has been given a gift to play for themselves. You will be someone who will have the ability to make her own music when the world tries to steal your voice away.
It breaks my heart to know that you aren’t going to talk to me for a while because you are mad. But my job is to be your parent. To see a little bit into your future and make life better for you if I can. Playing the piano is a gift we give you now, that you don’t really get to unwrap until a time when you really need or want it. Doing the work now, and practicing when you are asked without crying or complaining, will make your life better down the road. You don’t see it now, just like Ms. Jill didn’t understand when her mom made her keep practicing, but one day you will. It may be the money you make from teaching piano lessons to someone else or it could be the peace in your heart that you get from running your fingers across the keys when you need to let something go from inside you, like I try to do. All I know is that I will regret letting you quit just like you would regret it one day many years from now. I can’t do that to you. You aren’t alone in this battle. We have regrets for some of the things we made compromises on with Lauren and Breanna too. But we have things that were important that we didn’t back down on either, like this with you. If you ask your sisters, they will both tell you about things we made them finish doing because we new it would make their life better. We wish we would have made Breanna keep playing softball, but we are glad that we didn’t let her quit high school when she wanted to. We wish that we had made Lauren keep playing the piano and had giver her more responsibility around the house, but we compromised by giving up those things and not letting her quit water polo, even when she said her heart wasn’t in it any more. When her grades fell, I didn’t let her give up because I knew how important it was for both, she and Breanna, to graduate with their class.
We haven’t been the best example to you. We have been lazy about getting up and doing our job of going to church regularly and we are trying to be better. We make you go with us because we know that each of us needs the opportunity to hear the still small voice within us and to have the light of Christ in our hearts. This is another gift we want for you that you may not understand but is so similar to playing the piano. Both gifts require work now and both gifts will bring you peace one day; both can give you hope. So even though you just “hate, hate, hate” playing the piano, this is one of those opportunity costs in life that you must sacrifice. You’re only 11 now and the maturity that comes with age hasn’t quite set in yet, so I don’t expect you to be happy. But this is life… sometimes you just have to learn to smile, even when you don’t feel like smiling, and make the best out of each situation.
You may not think so right now, but we really do love you. We love you more than there are stars in the sky and for every one of those stars that shines; we say a silent prayer that one of your dreams will come true.
Forever and eternally yours,
Mom and Dad
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