The Gifts That HE Gave Me

 1996
When I was in heaven, the Lord said to me,"Have you any idea how much I love thee?"Without hesitation, without my reply,The Lord kissed my forehead and bid me good-bye.He gave me a gift before He set me apart.He gave me a body, a spirit, and heart.Armed with the gifts the Lord gave to me,He sent me to live with my new family.He gave me parents and sisters to shareAll the earthly experiences I'd make living there.When my parents divorced as I entered my teens.He gave me security and silent comforting.When fun became getting high and drinking beer.The Lord gave me a future, by showing me fear.Then, I married, young and so foolishly, A boy who promised to watch over me. But my husband abused me again and again.Leaving his scars on my soul and my skin.I cried to the Lord in my most desperate pleas."Lord, why hast Thou forsaken me?"My cries seemed to fall on deafened ears.Each morning I woke and thought, "Oh no, I'm still here."Then one evening, my spirit having been broken once more,I caught my baby daughter watching in horror.That night I called out to the Lord again.Only this time I asked not to return until Him.I asked for strength and courage, which He gladly gave.That night, through my daughter, my life  He did save.He sent me two angels, dressed in blue. They gave me 3 days and said, "the rests up to you."I took those three days, and me and my baby,We started a new life with the gift that He gave me.When I started to give up, the Lord gave me hope. Along with the strength a single mom needs to cope.He offered His blessings for a second chance.Then taught me to cherish life's beautiful dance.He gave me a husband who was loving and kind.Who loved my heart and soul and mind.He gave me faith, love and talent too.With all of His gifts my love for Him grew.He answered my prayers, though I knew only His name.Until that special day that the missionaries came.They brought with them a message from the Lord up above.It was He, Heavenly Father, who had created me with love. They said to me the greatest gift I could give, Was to teach my children how He would want them to live.Together we learned of His plan, as husband and wife.Then sealed our family together for eternal life.When our youngest daughter passed away at sixteen,He wrapped his arms around me again in sweet comforting. He knew my grief and helped Carry my pain.He assured me our family would be together again. One day, we shall all return to His kingdomAnd be judged for the things on earth which we've done.So I pray to the Lord each night and dayRehearsing the words that I might say.When given the chance  to express honestly,My thanks to the Lord for the gifts that He gave me.

Please stay… 12 years

Please Stay... 12 years

It's been 12 years now since Amanda left us physically. Twelve years since I have heard her voice, seen her smile, watched her sleep, cuddled her on the couch, heard her say "I love you too", been wrapped tightly in one of her daily hugs, stared admiringly at her as she walked away confidently, received some random weird text video about wanting food, or enjoyed the sound of her laughter.

Even though it's been twelve years since her death, she never leaves my mind and my heart still aches for her. Still... I consider us so blessed to have had her in our lives and trusted to be the ones to raise and love her for 16 and a half years. I like to look over at the passenger seat of my car where she would have been rushing to put on her make up before school. I imagine her so vividly that I can feel her warmth next to me and see her look over at me and smile. It took me almost three years before i didn't have a day when driving to work and my mind didn't drift back to memories of the day we lost her and the days that followed. I would replay every moment in slow motion, as tears gently burned their trace across my skin. Where I was when I got the call, who was in the room with me, the guilt over not answering my phone the first time Lauren called me because my meeting at work seemed more important, having to make those heart wrenching calls to the rest of our family to tell them to "Come home. Please come home". Having my boss walk me to her car to drive me home and pleading gently with God the whole way there. The overwhelming love and support from friends, family, and even strangers. When I got to work, I would dry my eyes, take a deep breath, and move forward. I still have rare occasions when the memories come flooding back, but they don't drown my soul like they used to. I don't want to remember that day or the time that followed, but it's a part of my memory just as strong as the day I gave birth to her. I wonder what life would be like if she were still here. What job she would have, who her boyfriend/husband would be, what fashion style she would be rocking, would she have babies of her own like her sisters and friends do now, and whether I would have been wise enough to know I should cherish everything about her or would I just take for granted each moment I had been blessed to share with her. I know to cherish every moment now. Oh I would be so happy to have just one more argument or one night of lecturing her for coming home late. At least, in the end, I would have her here with me. She might be mad or disappointed that she was in trouble, but she would be here. I don't like speaking in past tense, but that is what I am left with without her here. I don't want to tell how her story ended because the life she lived is so much more than that one moment in time. I've learned to say the word suicide without blinking, flinching, or crying in front of people. 

It's sad and tragic that we must assign a specific month, week, or even one day devoted to suicide awareness and prevention. Yet, suicide still seems to be something that is whispered instead of talked about. I am not ashamed that my daughter left the world the way she did. I do not begrudge her for not speaking out and asking for help through a difficult time, even though with every ounce of my being I wish she had. That's the thing... people who are suicidal don't think logically. They are experiencing an internal pain which takes over their thought process and presents only one possible solution. I wish I could have stopped her from feeling sad or alone in that moment of despair. I wish my love would have been strong enough to keep her here. I've had people say it's hard to understand how Amanda could have made such a "selfish" decision, taking away her pain and transferring it to her family and friends. In a moment of despair, you don't always stop to imagine how the world would be darkened without your light or have the ability to picture your life getting better. Whether you are 16 and experiencing a break up with the love of your life or 70 and tired of feeling numb and hollow, the depth of emotional desperation is immeasurable. You truly believe that no one will understand your pain or that no one can make you feel whole again. 

This is where I need to you to listen though. Those voices in your head are WRONG. You WILL make it through. You are NOT going to feel this way forever. This world WOULD be dark and sad without you in it. YES... even perfect strangers will ache at the loss of you. There are so many people who would do anything to help you. To listen to your story and sing a song of hope to your soul. You matter. If you are thinking that suicide is your only way out. It isn't. You say you don't want to burden anyone with your pain, but the pain you would leave them to deal with would me 100 x's worse. Trust me. Stop thinking about the rope, the gun, the pills, the knife, and any other exit strategy you've been planning. Reach out to someone. Anyone. None of us were meant to journey through this world alone. Please keep living. Please... Please stay. You are loved beyond measure. Live wisely and always choose the right.
I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, forever and ever my baby you’ll be. Love you Mandy. Mom

Her Silent Plea

Her Silent Plea - Domestic Violence Awarness

I can feel my heart pounding in my chest as I think about the story I want to share with you. The story of a young lady I know who had her voice, hope, pride, sense of value, confidence, and strength taken from her by someone she loved and trusted. I can still recall the overwhelming emotions I felt as I helped her find herself again when she did finally make it out of that situation. 

She was a 21 year old girl working as a waitress at a restaurant where he was a busboy. She spoke English, he spoke only Spanish. Still... they found a connection in one another. She learned to speak Spanish so they could dump their friend who came along on dates to translate. They thought they loved each other and, one day on a whim, decided to run off to Las Vegas to get married. A month later she learned she was pregnant and soon after something changed in him. It started with words meant to sting. "You are getting fat", he would say, “nobody wants you”. Nothing she ever did was good enough for him. The cans in the kitchen cupboards weren't lined up perfectly with the labels facing straight, there was a tiny piece of paper that she missed behind the toilet when sweeping, his shoelaces were dirty, shoes weren't shined to perfection, and her cooking was never to his liking. She knew she had made a mistake in marrying him, but was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell her family she needed help getting out. Words became demands... he forbid her to do things with her friends or family. One night, when she was 5 months pregnant, there was a holiday party for work and he said he didn't want to go, so she went without him. When she came home, she was faced with anger and rage. He knocked her to the ground. Kicked her over and over again and then wrapped his hands around her neck. Right when she thought he was going to kill her, he released his grasp and walked away like nothing happened. Leaving her lying curled in a ball on the floor... arms still protectively wrapped around her belly. She wanted to leave, but had been told that she was "nothing" and "nobody would want you" for so long that she didn't think she would have any place to go. So she tried to work things out, making excuses for his abusive behavior. When the baby was born, the threats changed to "if you ever try to leave me, I'll take her to Tijuana and you will never see her again." So every time they went to visit his family in Tijuana, she would desperately try to record every street name possible... just in case. She remembers one night sleeping on the floor at her sister in laws house in Tijuana. The baby woke in the middle of the night crying. She tried to calm her quickly, but it wasn't fast enough. He awoke in a fit of anger and slammed his fist into her back, knocking all of her wind out, and yelled at her to "shut the baby up". The next day, her sister in law saw the shame on her face and hugged her, as if to say, "I know what you're going through." Oh that boy was good. He stayed away from her face so her sister wouldn't see the bruises and reminded her every day that her life and the life of her daughter could be taken from her in an instant. She learned to cover the bruises with long sleeves and make up accidents for the more serious stuff like when he broke her wrist when she blocked one of his punches. If she had to go to the doctor, he would accompany her and tell her exactly what she was allowed to say, then act lovingly in the exam room as he stayed by her side. She often wondered how those doctors couldn't see the desperation in her eyes... the hope that someone would save her. Her co-workers and sister has suspicions too, but refused to believe it could be true. Her sister even made a comment one day "I've never seen you be so subservient to someone. Where did the old you go". The fact was that girl of their childhood had been transformed in to one who lived in fear, doubt, and distrust. At home, she wasn't allowed to use the telephone and she learned to sleep with her car keys in her shoes... in case she needed to run in the middle of the night. She remembers going to bed each night wondering if that would be the night he would kill her. She recalls one night when things were really bad. He attacked her and had her pinned to the floor, again with his hands around her throat. She could feel her life starting to fade when their baby daughter climbed on his back, crying "No... Poppi No". It's like her daughter snapped him out of his rage. He got up. Kicked her in the ribs, and walked away. That night changed her life. She knew she couldn't raise her baby girl in this world of rage. She knew she needed to stop wondering if she was going to die and instead find a way to live. She set aside a little money each week... just enough so he wouldn't notice. She wasn't sure how she was going to make her escape, but was determined to find enough strength to save her daughter. To save herset as After each abusive episode, he would be kind and gentle. It was almost as if he didn't even know the scars he created the night before. She discovered he was having an affair, and actually felt relieved because he left her alone. Then one spring evening, something set him off again. She came home from work after picking up their daughter from the sitters to find him already home and angry that nothing was ready for dinner. She quickly made something for him to eat. He took a bite and said it was crap then threw his food in her face. Knowing the night ahead would be a bad one, she put their daughter to bed early and waited for the storm. His anger was like no other. This time, he chased her outside through their apartment complex. When he caught her, he drug her back to their apartment by her hair. She heard a voice call out from the apartment nearby, "do you want me to call the police?" "Yes!" was all she could get out before he threw her back in to their apartment and knocked her out cold. The police came just in time and that night the boy went to jail. Her family, who had been in the dark to her situation for over two years, was now rallying by her side. As a "first" offender, her husband only went to jail for 3 days, but those three days were enough to find a place to live in a building with security, file a restraining order, and set a divorce in motion. She had to reach deep inside herself to find the strong and confident girl she knew from childhood. She fought through the feelings of shame and embarrassment and slowly, over time, learned to love herself again. Determined to give her daughter the best life possible, she moved forward... one step at a time. She discovered how confident and strong she could be. There were times when she had to work three jobs to make ends meet, but she did it. A few years later, she met a man who had full custody of his own daughter who was able to break down her walls and teach her and her daughter how to trust and love again. He made her feel safe, secure, and happy. She became courageous enough to speak up over the silence which drowns the screaming Sometimes, I think of that girl from so long ago and my heart breaks a little for everything she went through. She taught me to be compassionate of others, to be aware of signs and signals, and to be courageous enough to speak up over the silence which drowns the screaming. Some times, I look at the woman staring back in the mirror, take a deep breath and smile... knowing the one behind is a survivor. Kaiser Permanente has done a lot of work to raise awareness on the topic of Domestic, Family, and Intimate Partner Violence. http://www.thehotline.org/

My Testimony... Being a Daughter of Heavenly Father - KA

I am a Daughter of our Heavenly Father

Who loves me for who I am

Even when I don't live up to my fullest potential

He believes in me and my dreams

Even when I lose my focus

He trusts me to raise His children

Even though I sometimes lose my patience 

He has blessed me with a husband who holds the priesthood

Though I don't always feel worthy to receive His blessings

He understands the needs of my heart

Even when I am confused

He encourages me to choose the right

Even when I am tempted by worldly desires

He forgives me for my wrong doings

Even before I am ready to forgive myself

He pours His blessings upon me

Even when I forget to thank Him in prayer

He comforts me in my times of need

He comforts me before I ask

He wraps his loving arms around me

Even when I fail to hold him back

He lets me feel His love in quiet moments 

The Holy Spirit whispers it gently to my soul

I AM a daughter of our Heavenly Father who loves me so much that He sent His only begotten Son to experience our heartache and carry the sins of the world before sacrificing His own life to redeem us of those sins… to redeem me of my sins… just because he wanted me to have the choice to return to Him one day. 

Wow… I AM a daughter of our Heavenly Father. 

This is my testimony which I leave in the name of Jesus Christ.

- Sister Kristen L. Andrews

I See You

I see you... 

Sitting on the exam room table 

Bare back exposed through an undersized gown 

Hands twisting together in nervous anticipation 

The person I've come to know through ups and downs 

I see you... grey hair speckled through shades of black 

Skin pale and freckled... wrinkles slowly staking their claim 

You have been my patient for so many years now 

I've grown to welcome the sight of your name 

I see you with your list in your lap 

The latest of ailments to set in 

I know these pains are more than just aging 

How your heart still aches from loosing him 

I saw the brave act you put on for my nurse 

But I'm grateful you drop down your guard with me 

I ask how you are and see tears swell in your eyes 

Though your voice whispers "fine"... You know I can see 

 I hand you a Kleenex and sit quietly... Waiting

 Allowing this moment of release you so desperately need 

"Sometimes it's just so hard" you say softly 

Wounds so very deep; but they never bleed 

I take your hand and ask how I can make things better 

You stare at my hand on yours and say "you just did" 

A simple gesture they didn't cover in medical school 

That I learned from my mom when I was a kid 

I see you... 

Not just a patient but a person 

And though at times I admit I've forgotten 

I know compassion is the first medicine I must offer 

Before any other medical healing can begin 

I am grateful that you still confide in me 

You are a reminder of why I do what I do 

And if you continue to trust in me 

I promise... I will always see you

A Still Small Voice Within

 1996

I discovered you in my youth,
A boy in my confusing teenage years.
Raised by my mother when my father was killed, 
You brought comfort and dried my tears.
You wanted me to remember You always.
I promised you that I would.
But you were the last one I came to
When everything was going good.
Eventually I married and we drifted You and I.
We hardly conversed anymore.
My wife didn't like us talking so much.
She said that's what she was for. 
She didn't believe in you the way I did.
I guess we were just raised differently.
It was easier to let you remain silent,
Your still small voice within me.
My wife and I had a baby girl.
Oh how I wanted you two to meet.
I knew my daughter would love you too, 
But for my marriages sake, I didn't compete.
Things didn't work out for my wife and I.
It was a hard time for me to work through.
Calling on You again made it easier though.
Once again, I've come running back to you.
It took some time, but I married again. 
My new wife asked me about us.
I told her You were always there for me,
Someone we could both trust.
She wanted to know more about you,
Inviting You often into our home.
Each time You came, You left something behind.
You said we would never again feel alone. 
We joined your family of Latter-Day Saints.
Meeting often to reflect and rejoice.
Though none of us had seen your face,
Your beautiful spirit gave You a voice.
I can't tell you what peace it brings me,
To know we will never be apart again.
Never again shall I deny you Lord,
Or your still small voice within.

Missionary Prayer

1996

Lord as I start on this journey for thee,

I ask that you might keep watch over me.

Let your spirit guide my heart and quicken my feet.

So the devil and I shall never once meet.

May my faith never falter and my beliefs hold true,

As I search for your children to bring back to you.

I ask for your blessings on my companion as well,

That the spirit of contention in us will not dwell.

When our voices are silenced by another slammed door,

Will you give us the courage to knock on one more?

Lord if you could help keep that door open for a moment or two,

That should be just enough time to get at least one foot through.

Help us to baptize in the name of your Son

And continue the great work which He hath begun.

As we journey safely here and there,

Please keep us, dear Father, in your loving care.

If ever I should start to feel tired and alone,

Could you give me a lift with a letter from home?

Whether in the suns burning rays or the pouring rain,

May we find comfort and shelter from sharing your name.

With you on our side, I will never give in.

In the name of Jesus Christ... Amen.

The End of the Road

1996

My child as you start on your journey today,
I bow my head faithfully and humbly pray
That the Lord will walk with you and lighten your load.
So your heart can keep focused on the end of the road.
As you knock on each door, proclaiming God's word,
May your faith never falter when discouragements heard.
The message you carry, though not always welcome, IS true.
It is the only true gift with any eternal value. 
The reward that is bestowed upon you and each believer,
Is the incredulous glory of living again with our Redeemer.
When you find a home where warm hearts abode,
You'll find your steps quickened towards the end of the road.
At the end of the road are treasures your eyes can't yet see.
But your heart knows what is waiting ahead for thee.
The castle you're building measures in more than silver and gold.
Each brick made of love and memories forever to hold.
So when ready ears are listening and eyes fall upon you.
Do what it takes to let them know the gospel you share is true.
Sing, pray, and honor Him until your bosom does burn.
Your rewards will be great for each soul you return. 
When you meet members of the church, old and new,
Who open their homes and hearts up to you.
May they think of your family who sent you with care,
Remembering you always each night in their prayers.
At last my child, when your precious journey is through,
You will find us at home, waiting here for you.
We will be doing our own work to lighten the load.
Adding bricks to our castle at the end of the road.

Borrowed Time

1992

We walk through life on borrowed time
Precious gifts sent from above.
Blessed we are to have the chance 
To fill someone else's heart with love.
And though sharing our hearts is a beautiful act, 
It is a also a difficult one people say.
Because we know there will come a time
When our love will be carried away.
The hardest part of living on borrowed time
Is trying not to keep asking "Why?"
And learning to accept the fact
That one day we must all say good-bye.
Remember in times when you feel alone
To trust in your memories to carry you through.
Let your heart gain strength in knowing, 
There are angels watching over you.

My Thoughts Are All of You

I can not tell you how I feel, mere words would never do.
Something this incredible is so rarely made come true.
The distance between you and my dreams Is too close to be defined.
It's one that meets and slowly connects, as two journeyed paths unwind.
You are the Stable Gods stars fall between before they are lost in flight.
Leading the way to a world of dreams with your effervescent light. 
Come and shine your light on me. Take me where I long to go.
Left behind are my fears and troubles in a field where only magic grows.
You are my destiny, my hopes and dreams, a soul-mate tried and true.
And though my words are often silent, my thoughts are all of you.

Lifetime

1993

Looking into your eyes I see a lifetime

Of happy memories, both yours and mine.

I see precious moments and star-lit nights.

Two falling stars, joined in flight.

Sailing on wings of love, never to land.

Finding good in the bad, hand in hand.

Tears are like crystal rivers that flow,

Renewing our love as we solidly grow.

Your eyes are like mirrors; my reflection I see.

They glisten with laughter and sing "destiny."

Each day is different, yet still just as strong.

Proving to each other, this love can't be wrong.

Committed to you, I need no more.

I am the ocean and you are my shore.

Lost in a daze, I can easily land.

With comfort and security I can take your hand.

Together we blend. I am yours - You are mine.

Building forever... In a lifetime.

The Three Amigos

1992

Some call them the three amigos

Others know them by their given names

There is P.K., Styx and the Wild Man

Through different walks of life they came.

Almost as if they were brought together,

To share a part in each others destiny.

Three men and their musical instruments,

Friendships that were just meant to be.

When they played their powerfully sweet music,

They played from the heart and the soul.

The world seemed to fade slowly away,

Into the sound of some cool rock n roll.

In the lyrics they found great meaning.

In the rhythm they found hope and peace.

They sang because it was in these moments,

When everything wrong came to cease.

To hear crowds applaud in awe of their talents,

And create memories for those whom they played.  

They shared dreams of becoming a legend,

That got lost somewhere along the way.

They became a part-time backyard band,

Their groupies were their children and wives.

And though they may not know it is so,

They are a legend in each of our eyes.

our souls were gently touched by their music.

So even when they've sang their last song,

The memories will always take us back again,

And in our hearts the band will play on. 

I'll Cry No More for You

 1993

I'll cry no more for you

No longer shall I fight in vain

My soul has learned to slowly heal

Though some memories return my pain

Once your silent victim

No voice, no hope, no pride

The only friend I had was me

With whom I could confide. 

I'll cry no more for you

For your conscious sees no wrong

Your heavy hand shall hurt no more

This time I'll be gone.

I tried to make excuses

For the anger that you knew.

Praying it would fade with time.

Instead it only grew.

Years have passed without you.

My pride has been restored.

Sometimes I'm reminded by a memory

But you know... I cry no more. 

Time Stand Still

1994

May time stand still a moment so in my arms you'll stay
May the morning light be so kind not to steal this dream away.
May the warmth of your body be felt forever on my skin.
May time stand still a moment so I can feel your touch again.
May time stand still a moment and the passion linger a while.
May I relinquish all my days to hold the magic of your smile.
May this honesty and friendship be known for always in my heart.
May time stand still a moment so our souls shall never part.
May time stand still a moment... just a moment I request
May be lose ourselves in time while reality takes a rest.
May we love without letting go... still unsure of our destiny.
May time stand still a moment and forever in our memory.

Thank you. From Dave Estrada to Bob O'leary

 Again - back in the 1990's, one of our xray service engineers, Dave Estrada, asked me to write something for one of our senior engineers, Bob O'Leary, who helped train and mentor him. I wrote this and we had it printed and framed for Bob. 

Have I ever thanked you for all you've done for me?
For taking me under your wing, and knowing when to set me free.
You guided me when I needed, but trusted the decisions I made.

You taught me how to set boundaries then showed me some tricks of our trade.

You never hovered above me or told me to do things your way.

Instead, you gave me confidence in knowing your help was only a call away.

You demonstrated how to be a leader and when to follow another's lead.

With skill, knowledge, and understanding, you helped make me a man of your breed.

You gave me a push in the right direction and encouraged me to try and grow.

Now I hold a position like yours and it means more than you'll ever know.

You made it okay to believe in myself and take pride in the work I do.

I've risen higher than I ever expected and I owe so much of me to you.