What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies ~ Aristotle

E. B. WHITE:

You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die. A spider's life can't help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a little of that.

Charlotte, "Charlotte's Web"

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.

Elizabeth Folley

"Don't be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends." ~ Richard Bach

I knew this day would come

For over a year now, I have waited for the moment when the phone would ring and on the other end would be the voice of my dear friend Cece.  I often wonder how she is doing and what she is doing.  I wonder if she feels the loneliness that I feel.

Sometimes I feel jealous of those around me that have taken a chance and have opened up their hearts so that close friends can enter.  I use the word friend with caution, as the meaning I do not take lightly.   I can easily count on one had the people that I have let get that close to me.  

Lara was the first - my best friend from about 9 years old until about 20 years old -  And then I moved away to start a new life.   I felt guilty for not taking Lara with me.  We swore we would always be together.  Our relationship faded because of me.  Because I chose to move on, and then, when she reached out to me, I didn't feel worthy of her friendship.  A bad first marriage left me scarred with thoughts that I wasn't pretty enough or skinny enough.  I know Lara would never judge me, but I judged myself for her.  I had gained weight.  I was embarrassed to have her see me, so I have kept her away.  I think about reaching out to her, but keep saying I need to lose 20 pounds first.  That is so STUPID.  I need to just pick up the phone already!

My husband Rich is another who I have let in to my heart.  He is my lover, my friend, and an amazing father, but that isn't the same as having a close girlfriend.   My friends Minu and Godo are my work friends, who I am close to.   We don't do things together outside of work, but I feel like I can tell them almost anything.  

Cece was the one true friend that I had, outside of work.  She moved to Colorado over a year ago with her husband and kids.  We stopped talking, I didn't really do it by choice, I just didn't know how to get a hold of her.   I felt like she needed me to respect that she needed some time.  I knew that one day she would call again.  Well... at least I hoped and prayed she would.  

Tonight, sitting around the table after having dinner with the missionaries serving in our ward, the phone rang.   Amanda answered it and then looked at me surprised and said, "It's Cece".  I thought my heart leapt from my chest.  As I stepped away to take what turned out to be a 2 1/2 hour call, I knew my prayers had been answered and my friend had been returned to me.  We have a lot of catching up to do... but it seems though time has not passed even a day.  I'm grateful and I'm blessed.

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leaf's a flower,
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So eden sank to grief.
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
Robert Frost

"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person.
Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." -- Oscar Wilde

"The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living." -- Cicero

Robbie Dadasovich

I've been thinking about an old friend of mine quite a bit lately. He seems to sneak in to my thoughts when I least expect it, etching his memory gently on my skin. The moist trail touches the corner of my lip, a salty but bitter reminder that his memory is all I have.

Rob Dadasovich was one of my best friends in high school. We met in a world history class. Robbie sat in front of me and spent most of our class time trying to convince me that I should dump my boyfriend and go out with him. Caving in to the pressure and during one of those "breaks" that I had with my boyfriend, I agreed to go out with Rob to the movies. He took me on the most memorable date of my life. Honestly... that is no exaggeration.

The Date...

Rob came to pick me up, but realized he hadn't cashed his paycheck yet. So before we could go to the movies, we had to go to his house and borrow money from his stepdad. Ginny, his mom, gave him such a teasing for that! After borrowing money, we went to the movies and ran in to my boyfriends best friend, right at the moment that Robbie decided to try and hold my hand. Rob decided we needed to go somewhere to "talk" and drove us over to our high school baseball field. He conveniently had a blanket in his car, which he laid neatly over by second base (hoping to reach it most likely!). We laid there under the stars, staring up at the night sky in a city that seemed to small to hold our big dreams, and talked while he held my hand nervously. Right when we started to forget how rocky the night had started, the sprinklers came on sending us running towards the car. As we neared the parking lot, we saw the lights of a police car pulling up to his car, his bright search beam scanning the field for teenagers out past curfew. Like an old pro at evading the police, Rob pushed me under the bleachers where we hid until the cop gave up and drove away. You would think that he would have taken all of this as signs that we weren't meant to be together, but he remained steadfast and undeterred, bravely inviting himself in to my house to again "talk" for awhile. I have to admit, that his kiss caught me off guard. However, not quite as offguard as when my boyfriend showed up at my front door with Rob still sitting on my living room couch. We didn't date again after that, not that Rob didn't try though, he never really gave up the quest. We had an amazing connection, but I felt we were better off as friends. It crushed him I know, but I just couldn't get over one small issue. Robbie was an inexperienced kisser. I had been with my boyfriend for a while and had a little more practice. He used to beg me to "teach" him, but I couldn't get past the initial quick hard probbing that left me feeling like my tongue had been in a sparing match.

We didn't need the kisses to be close though. You know... I don't think my mom is aware that 23 years ago, after she left for work, every summer morning after Rob's waterpolo practice, he would come over to my house and crawl into bed with me and we would sleep. Embraced in each others arms. Me in my t-shirt and panties and him in his tighty whities. Shocking as it sounds, it was so innocent. There was no kissing or romantic privileges, just a quiet connection.
Even after high school, when many of our friends had drifted away, starting out on their new journey, we stayed connected. We spent time together, but nothing like those two summers of our Junior and Senior year. We graduated in 1985. We saw each other 2-3 times a week. He gave up on having me as his girlfriend and met a sweet girl who he started dating. I worked for a Round Table Pizza restaurant and he would come by with his friends to say hi and try and get some free pizza. He came by two nights before the last time I would ever see him.

I remember the day my world changed forever so vividly. As I recall the moment, I can still feel the odd sensation that my chest was tightening - slowly breaking my heart into a million little pieces. The day started off as normal. I was rushing around my apartment trying to get ready for work when my younger sister stops by unannounced. She said she had something serious to talk about and asked me to sit down. My mind immediately raced to my mom who has had a few cancer scares. She tells me that our mother is fine. Then she said "Krissy, Robbie is gone. He died last night."

I stared at my sister with disbelief and heartache. I heard the words she was saying, but I couldn't understand them. Was she telling me that Rob was gone? I had just talked to him two days before, how could he be gone? She told me that Rob had gone fishing with our friend Randy and they decided to drive home late instead of camping out in their car. Rob was driving. Randy, who was drfting in and out of sleep, woke up for a brief moment to click his seatbelt on. Robbie didn't have his on. Rob fell asleep at the wheel and they slammed in to a telephone pole. Robbie died instantly on impact. Randy walked away with some broken ribs and scratches.

I just kept hearing the same words over and over, "Robbie's gone". I didn't know what to do. This was one of my dearest closest friends. I cried softly for a very brief moment and they I stood up and went to work. I think I went to work because I needed some normalcy. Something to keep me distracted from my own thoughts. My general manager, who was like a father figure to me, asked me to come over and sit with him. He knew something was wrong, but didn't know what. I did with him what I couldn't do with my little sister. I let me guard down and my tears fall.

Rob Dadasovich was a blond haired, blue-eyed water polo player. He was extremely proud of his letterman's jacket that he let me wear on cold days. His favorite music group was the Cars. He loved to sing to me "My best friend's girl friend" to remind me that I dated one of his friends and "All I Want Is You" - constantly trying to tell me that I was wrong for staying with my boyfriend and not choosing him. He wore sunglasses ALL the time and wore tighty whities. He taught me how to swim in the deap end of a pool. His family was religious and they even took me to church with them several times. Robbie struggled sometimes with depression, but I don't know if many people know that. We had long talks out in his car. Sometimes he would cry and I would cry with him. One time when he was talking crazy thoughts about suicide and that he didn't think there was really a God, I took him in to talk to my mom who had a life after death experience and had experienced the bright light and the feeling of peace... all that stuff. Then she told him that there was a God and that he loved Rob and that He knew we all struggled, but if we would let Him, God would be there for us. She told Robbie that his parents loved him and that I loved him. Life wouldn't be the same without him. I remember it all... standing in our kitchen. All three of us crying. I think it helped Robbie to know that there is life after death, but that we are all meant to experience life while we are in it.

He knows it now. I know he does. Rob is in a place where he can feel God's love around him all the time. Sometimes I feel like Rob is with me. The tears still fall because I miss him and wish I could have seen the amazing father and husband I know he would have become. But I know we will meet again. When we do, he'll probably be playing a Car's song like "Since You've Been Gone or Just What I Needed".

And just like my mom told him so many years ago... Life hasn't been the same without him.

"There are some people who use change to promote their careers.

And then there are those who use their careers to promote change." Sarah Palin

another sleepless night

It's another one of those sleepless nights where I toss and turn, debating if I have enough night hours left to take an Ambien. I believe strongly in the power of better living through pharmaceuticals. Anyone with fibromyalgia would tell you they'd rather pop a pill than stand one more freaking moment of this pain. Sometimes my husband teases me and says I'm a drug addict. I'm not. It just looks like I am with all the pills I have to take. There are some, like my fibro pills and my migraine pills that I couldn't live without. I've learned how to function with the meds. At least I'm able to get to work almost every day. There are plenty of days when I want to curl up in a ball and cry, drowning myself in the tears of my own misery, but most days, I try to rise above it. I get through the day by pretending I'm not in some intensely incredible pain. I pretend I'm normal, like the person in the cube sitting on the other side of me. Honestly, right now, it is 2:00 in the morning. Most everyone I know is sound asleep. Recuperating from their long day, preparing the body for the next. I'm sitting here making things worse by not getting any sleep. I have to be up in 5 hours.

Ugh... where are those damn Serta sheep when you need them? Probably won't come here since we have a Select Comfort Sleep Number bed. I have to tell you that I absolutely HATE IT! Sure, it was great when we first got it a couple years ago, but I think it was the novelty of having a remote to control the comfort of your bed. I felt guilty because I could never find just the right number, like it is my fault. Now, my side of the bed doesn't hold the air at the setting I like so I'm constantly waking up to a sunken in air mattress that pushes on ALL my trigger points. I want a temperpedic!

Some brighter news perhaps... enough whining about me. Amanda returned to middle school today to start a new school year as a 7th grader. She grew about an inch and a half over the summer, which just makes her long lean body look even leaner. Amanda says that she has 3 "pretty okay, possibly funny" teachers. She hates that she has to take PE durning 5 period and then still have to go back and face kids for two more classes. Life and puberty can be cruel. We're just going to have to keep testing out new deodorants until we find the one that leaves her smelling rosy after PE. Mandy mentioned that she would like to be more studious this year so we will let her take some of the acting classes and run track like before. We'll see how that goes. I wish her the best! Lauren also started a new semester at Citrus with about 4 classes. She hasn't decided if she wants to play water polo this year, as it conflicts with having a sense of financial freedom through employment. Breanna has signed up for two classes at PCC, and Rich is looking in to taking another on-line class. I'm the only one not in school for the first time in a long time. Just a little over a year ago, I finished my BS in Business - eBusiness.

I need sign up for a masters program, But I get so discouraged when I recall the intense pain I felt because of my fibro, working full time, taking 4-5 classes at a time , and struggling with a serious lack of sleep. My boss has been hitting me up lately about finishing grad school. I know I need to do it. I've just got to talk myself into it, trying desperately, though unconvincingly, to deceive my mind into thinking it won't be so bad again.

I think I'm starting to hallucinate a little... time to try sleep once more. hah. my hands keep trying to type words that are mumbled and jumbled in my mind. Hopefully sleep is near.

Send me you prayers and lullaby songs.

Signing out.... Sleepless Dreamer

Amanda Utah- Wyoming Trip 2008

Amanda loves to take pictures of herself using the mac laptop.
What would we do without photobooth to keep her entertained?

What are you thinking, my sweet stinkerbell

What runs through your complex little mind
You seem to be caught under a spell
What are the answers you're wishing to find

I hope that you see this one day my love
Do you know how beautiful I think you are
How I have been blessed from heaven above
You shine as bright as the northern star

You're the wind as it blows sweet whispers in my ear
You bring joy to my day and hope in the night
I want to begin and end each one with you near
Goodnight my cuddle-queen, goodnight

I love you billions and billions and billions

When the Dark Wakes Up

I had combed my hair and brushed my teeth
and said "Now I lay me down to sleep",
but my toes were to wiggly to go to sleep yet
so I asked my mommy if I could play with my jet.
She said, "In the morning, when the daylight comes,
you can play with your jet, your trucks, and your drums."
Then she pulled the covers way up to my chin
and said "Now close your eyes and let sweet dreams begin."
As soon as she left, I hopped to the floor
Only to find my mother's eyes staring back through my door.
She said, "Young man, get on back to your room
and do it quickly before you wake up the moon."
"If the dark wakes up," she whispered to me,
"he'll be much too tired to set the day free."
She bent in closely and kissed my head,
then helped me get settled back into bed.
I closed my eyes and fell asleep at last,
in hopes that the dark would fade away fast.
In the morning, when daylight came,
it called to me to come play a new game.
But I was too tired from staying up late.
This time the daylight would have to wait.
So I pulled the covers back up to my chin
and prayed the dark would come back again.

Written for Nick and Dan when they were 3 yrs. old
ka

Sleepless Dreamer

The night calls out and beacons me to play. Thoughts dancing wildly in my mind. I toss and turn until the gentle lull succeeds and I find myself here once again. Sitting, drinking a warm cup of tea in the silence of the evening hours. There is a peacefulness about this time of night. A stillness that is difficult to find during the day. I hear the songlike breathing in rooms around me. I wonder what images fuel their dreams. Will they remember in the morning? Will I still be awake when they arise? I hope not. Sometimes that is my fate though. To lay sleeplessly and dream about sleep.

Breathe - For Lauren

 

They say breathing should come naturally

Yet I find myself gasping for air

These walls closing in all around me

Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll disappear

I know my reality is not so desperate

Still… my heart finds trouble beating

My pulse yearns for the rhythm of our love song

But the chorus has become self-defeating

In an effort to keep you near to me

I pretend it is easy to just be your friend

My heart, it seems, does not like being deceived

And refuses to allow me to mend

My mind is quietly whispering

What my heart wishes not to hear

Somehow I must learn to breathe

Without you as my source for air

I pray that I’ll be strong enough

To move forward into a new day

To learn to exist with you as just my friend

Or find the courage to walk away

As I stand in the echoes of my emptiness

I know I am not left to walk alone

The struggle is hearing their voices above yours

And the love that keeps calling me home

I’ll put one foot in front of the other

Take one breath in for each breath out

Each effort rewarded by finding myself

And learning what I’m all about

When the walls start closing in again

And my heart takes a moment to grieve

I’ll reach out to those that love me

And keep finding a way to breathe

One breath in for each breath out

Yes… all I have to do is breathe

ka

It is up to you to create your own happy ending.  Don't wait for someone else to bring you flowers... plant your own garden and then stand firmly planted in that foundation.

Family is everything to me. My best friends are my daughters, my husband, my sister, and my close friends Godo, Minu, (Cece and Lara, who will always be a part of me) and Peggy. I have 3 sisters, but I am closest to my sister Kellie, who I fondly call Smelly. I have many nieces and nephews. Matt, Katie, Brian, Nick, Dan, Kayla, Jeff, Alicia, and Spencer. All of the kids are either in their teenage years or about to be, except Spencer. He is our youngest.

My sister Kellie is a Neonatal nurse, and is amazing at what she does. Katie and Brian are hers, but I like to think they are mine too. We live the closest to each other so it is easier for us to stay in touch. When Katie was a baby, she stayed with me when my sister and her husband had to work. She was with me so much that she gave me the nickname of "Mamma" and my daughter, her cousin, is "auntie" to her. I know it is strange, but we wouldn't have it any other way. Katie is quiet and sometimes reserved, but a great person. She has gorgeous blue eyes, inheriting the family blues. Brian is our sensitive soul. He looks for the best in people and goes out of his way to be kind to others. He is a beautiful example of how we should treat each other.

My sister Kim, the second oldest, has been soaring up the ladder in a police department in Lubbock, Texas. She is tough on the outside, but has a soft heart. Kayla, Alicia, Jeff, and Spencer are her babies. Kayla is a young mother of two little ones, Jeff, an old soul, is serving our country in the Marines out in the Middle East. Alicia, focused and delightful, just graduated from high school. Spencer, is 7 now and is a sweet as can be. As much as having a young little man to keep up with makes my sister feel older, Spencer keeps her young at heart too.

I am the third child in our clan. I have three girls: a yours, mine, and ours situation. Breanna is our oldest at 19 1/2 and is the 'yours' in our story. She has a great talent for writing and loves to read. She stands up for what she believes in and isn't afraid to voice her opinion. Lauren is six months younger than Breanna. At the age of 19, she is probably our most responsible child. She works hard to earn her independence with a full time job, college, and water polo commitments. She has a natural gift of being a great athlete. She is also a great dancer. Of course it is probably the dirty dancing they do at under age clubs - I don't want to picture it, but I know the girl has moves. Lauren is another sensitive child. She cares about others feelings and really pays attention to the little details. Don't ever call someone fat or overweight in front of her. She just one tolerate someone knocking someone else down. Amanda is our youngest and is the 'ours' that tied our family together. She has a wild sense of humor and is an amazing cuddle-queen. Mandy, as we often call her, loves animals, especially dogs, and clothes, shoes, and music. (sounds like the spitting image of her mom!) She may have a lot of my qualities, but she is still a daddy's girl. On the eve of turning 13, she prefers to go shopping or hang out with her friends, but mention a road trip with dad, and she is in the front seat ready to roll.

Kathy is my youngest sister. She has had her moments of being lost, but seems to have found her way back. She has three boys. The first one, Matt, was the first baby born and nudged her into adulthood at the age of 18. Matt has experienced a lot of adversity in his life, but has discovered his own path and has grown to be quite an impressive young man. He attends Auburn University and is a journalism major. He also inherited the blue eyes gene and a passion for writing. He is quiet and reflective, but enjoys life too. It is hard not to be proud of him. He has two identical twin brothers, Nick and Dan, that look up to him as a role model. Nick is the oldest twin, popping out just minutes before his brother. Full of confidence and self awareness, he is off on his way to college. Dan is another sensitive soul who has a passion for music. He has what I call a "screamer band" that my Mandy thinks is totally cool. Dan is still weighing his college options, but I have a feeling he will go anywhere the music takes him.

I proud of all my family members. We don't always see eye to eye, but we do always support each other when it seems the world is falling down around us.