Missionary Prayer

1996

Lord as I start on this journey for thee,

I ask that you might keep watch over me.

Let your spirit guide my heart and quicken my feet.

So the devil and I shall never once meet.

May my faith never falter and my beliefs hold true,

As I search for your children to bring back to you.

I ask for your blessings on my companion as well,

That the spirit of contention in us will not dwell.

When our voices are silenced by another slammed door,

Will you give us the courage to knock on one more?

Lord if you could help keep that door open for a moment or two,

That should be just enough time to get at least one foot through.

Help us to baptize in the name of your Son

And continue the great work which He hath begun.

As we journey safely here and there,

Please keep us, dear Father, in your loving care.

If ever I should start to feel tired and alone,

Could you give me a lift with a letter from home?

Whether in the suns burning rays or the pouring rain,

May we find comfort and shelter from sharing your name.

With you on our side, I will never give in.

In the name of Jesus Christ... Amen.

The End of the Road

1996

My child as you start on your journey today,
I bow my head faithfully and humbly pray
That the Lord will walk with you and lighten your load.
So your heart can keep focused on the end of the road.
As you knock on each door, proclaiming God's word,
May your faith never falter when discouragements heard.
The message you carry, though not always welcome, IS true.
It is the only true gift with any eternal value. 
The reward that is bestowed upon you and each believer,
Is the incredulous glory of living again with our Redeemer.
When you find a home where warm hearts abode,
You'll find your steps quickened towards the end of the road.
At the end of the road are treasures your eyes can't yet see.
But your heart knows what is waiting ahead for thee.
The castle you're building measures in more than silver and gold.
Each brick made of love and memories forever to hold.
So when ready ears are listening and eyes fall upon you.
Do what it takes to let them know the gospel you share is true.
Sing, pray, and honor Him until your bosom does burn.
Your rewards will be great for each soul you return. 
When you meet members of the church, old and new,
Who open their homes and hearts up to you.
May they think of your family who sent you with care,
Remembering you always each night in their prayers.
At last my child, when your precious journey is through,
You will find us at home, waiting here for you.
We will be doing our own work to lighten the load.
Adding bricks to our castle at the end of the road.

Borrowed Time

1992

We walk through life on borrowed time
Precious gifts sent from above.
Blessed we are to have the chance 
To fill someone else's heart with love.
And though sharing our hearts is a beautiful act, 
It is a also a difficult one people say.
Because we know there will come a time
When our love will be carried away.
The hardest part of living on borrowed time
Is trying not to keep asking "Why?"
And learning to accept the fact
That one day we must all say good-bye.
Remember in times when you feel alone
To trust in your memories to carry you through.
Let your heart gain strength in knowing, 
There are angels watching over you.

My Thoughts Are All of You

I can not tell you how I feel, mere words would never do.
Something this incredible is so rarely made come true.
The distance between you and my dreams Is too close to be defined.
It's one that meets and slowly connects, as two journeyed paths unwind.
You are the Stable Gods stars fall between before they are lost in flight.
Leading the way to a world of dreams with your effervescent light. 
Come and shine your light on me. Take me where I long to go.
Left behind are my fears and troubles in a field where only magic grows.
You are my destiny, my hopes and dreams, a soul-mate tried and true.
And though my words are often silent, my thoughts are all of you.

Lifetime

1993

Looking into your eyes I see a lifetime

Of happy memories, both yours and mine.

I see precious moments and star-lit nights.

Two falling stars, joined in flight.

Sailing on wings of love, never to land.

Finding good in the bad, hand in hand.

Tears are like crystal rivers that flow,

Renewing our love as we solidly grow.

Your eyes are like mirrors; my reflection I see.

They glisten with laughter and sing "destiny."

Each day is different, yet still just as strong.

Proving to each other, this love can't be wrong.

Committed to you, I need no more.

I am the ocean and you are my shore.

Lost in a daze, I can easily land.

With comfort and security I can take your hand.

Together we blend. I am yours - You are mine.

Building forever... In a lifetime.

The Three Amigos

1992

Some call them the three amigos

Others know them by their given names

There is P.K., Styx and the Wild Man

Through different walks of life they came.

Almost as if they were brought together,

To share a part in each others destiny.

Three men and their musical instruments,

Friendships that were just meant to be.

When they played their powerfully sweet music,

They played from the heart and the soul.

The world seemed to fade slowly away,

Into the sound of some cool rock n roll.

In the lyrics they found great meaning.

In the rhythm they found hope and peace.

They sang because it was in these moments,

When everything wrong came to cease.

To hear crowds applaud in awe of their talents,

And create memories for those whom they played.  

They shared dreams of becoming a legend,

That got lost somewhere along the way.

They became a part-time backyard band,

Their groupies were their children and wives.

And though they may not know it is so,

They are a legend in each of our eyes.

our souls were gently touched by their music.

So even when they've sang their last song,

The memories will always take us back again,

And in our hearts the band will play on. 

I'll Cry No More for You

 1993

I'll cry no more for you

No longer shall I fight in vain

My soul has learned to slowly heal

Though some memories return my pain

Once your silent victim

No voice, no hope, no pride

The only friend I had was me

With whom I could confide. 

I'll cry no more for you

For your conscious sees no wrong

Your heavy hand shall hurt no more

This time I'll be gone.

I tried to make excuses

For the anger that you knew.

Praying it would fade with time.

Instead it only grew.

Years have passed without you.

My pride has been restored.

Sometimes I'm reminded by a memory

But you know... I cry no more. 

Time Stand Still

1994

May time stand still a moment so in my arms you'll stay
May the morning light be so kind not to steal this dream away.
May the warmth of your body be felt forever on my skin.
May time stand still a moment so I can feel your touch again.
May time stand still a moment and the passion linger a while.
May I relinquish all my days to hold the magic of your smile.
May this honesty and friendship be known for always in my heart.
May time stand still a moment so our souls shall never part.
May time stand still a moment... just a moment I request
May be lose ourselves in time while reality takes a rest.
May we love without letting go... still unsure of our destiny.
May time stand still a moment and forever in our memory.

Thank you. From Dave Estrada to Bob O'leary

 Again - back in the 1990's, one of our xray service engineers, Dave Estrada, asked me to write something for one of our senior engineers, Bob O'Leary, who helped train and mentor him. I wrote this and we had it printed and framed for Bob. 

Have I ever thanked you for all you've done for me?
For taking me under your wing, and knowing when to set me free.
You guided me when I needed, but trusted the decisions I made.

You taught me how to set boundaries then showed me some tricks of our trade.

You never hovered above me or told me to do things your way.

Instead, you gave me confidence in knowing your help was only a call away.

You demonstrated how to be a leader and when to follow another's lead.

With skill, knowledge, and understanding, you helped make me a man of your breed.

You gave me a push in the right direction and encouraged me to try and grow.

Now I hold a position like yours and it means more than you'll ever know.

You made it okay to believe in myself and take pride in the work I do.

I've risen higher than I ever expected and I owe so much of me to you.

Shortly after I started at Kaiser Permanente, I was hired by our Medical Physics department. This department was in charge of testing, approving, and repairing all of the xray and film developing equipment in SCAL. I had a little office at the end of the hall with a door that had a window. I kept my door closed from time to time because in a department that had about 50 men and 4 women, it could get crazy. These were physicists, engineers, and technicians. Being only 23 years old, I was their service dispatcher and pretty much the young sister or daughter to all of them. We had really long connecting hallways with offices on either side. Sometimes those guys would engage their smart brains and have paper airplane contests or other activities that made the hallways a little iffy to walk through. Don Larson, one of our physicists, was always barreling through the hall - never looking up.   I wrote this for one of our Christmas parties (hence the night before Christmas rhythm). 

It was the day before tomorrow and the morning after yesterday.

Everyone in our busy office was working diligently away.

Carol needed to make some copies, but she wasn't sure if she dare.

For here in Medical Physics... Danger lurks everywhere. 

But copies were what she needed and her job she had to do.

Slowly she crept to the doorway, saying a prayer or two.

With one foot in front of the other, she looked to her left then her right.

She took great care and caution, making sure no one was in sight.

Little did poor Carol know, Don Larson was coming down the other hall.

His eyes directed towards the floor in hopes of preventing a fall.

Just as he rounded the corner and much to Carol's surprise,

He came upon his innocent victim and dismay fell to his eyes. 

Carmen summoned Bruce and Chuck in hopes that they could help,

But they were busing discussing Chuck's cabinets and kitchen shelves.

Barbara tried to reach Jim and Dave, but they were somewhere in the back,

Debating with our processor technicians the importance of cleaning a rack.

Barbara tried another line, calling Dominic and Dick Loo.

She had no way of knowing they were both in the computer room.

Meanwhile, there poor Carol lay still struggling to get to her feet,

Only to be trampled once more, by physicists leaving to eat.

They were so lost in their indecision of deciding where to dine,

They never heard poor Carol moan or release a painful whine.

By the time I came to help, Carol was no longer on the ground.

She had crawled her way to the copy room... only to find it broken down. 

The moral to this little story... you'll soon see my choice was wise.

When choosing an office in Medical Physics, pick safety over size.

The Eyes of Good-Bye

I wrote this back in the early 1990's. I don't know who I was thinking of at the time. I'm a people watcher and feel like I can see into the soul of another and pull out words they can not say. This one wasn't for me though, I know that. Doesn't matter. Here you go...

Here I am, with pen in hand, not really sure what to say. 

I never thought I'd be feeling like this. I never though you'd walk away. 

Yet you have and as surprised as I may be.

I believe what is best for all is that I set you free.

Our love started like a fairytale, something distant and unreal. 

The comprehension of a compromise which portrays the love we feel.

While that love has lasted, it has changed in many ways. 

I can tell you how much I love you, but I can not make you stay.

Your eyes sparkle with a new love, that for me had long ago.

Somehow after fighting your tears, you managed to bring back that glow.

While I hope it never disappears again, I regret it's not due to me.

Sometimes the truth is so painfully clear, that our hearts choose not to see.

I was blinded by my foolishness in thinking you'd never leave.

The loss, I must confess is truly mine, and it is I alone who will grieve.

I know I didn't tell you often, a mistake I'll never forget, 

But your beauty captured my heart one day and it hasn't left it yet.

I've come to see the difference people can make in your life.

I'll always treasure the moment that you became my wife. 

My love, as you have grown away and we have grown apart.

Please know you will always hold a very special place in my heart.

Let this not be a parting that brings on many tears.

So many moments of joy will be remembered from our years. 

I wish you a lifetime of rainbows filled with colors of the spring. 

And I pray that you are happy with all that life may bring.

You'll never know how sorry I am for holding these words for so long. 

I guess I thought I'd always have the chance, until the chance was gone.

Yes, in the eyes of good-bye you can learn so much.

Doors you should have opened and lives you could have touched.

Going back isn't easy and time won't stand still for me.

So take hold of these wings and fly towards your destiny.

And when people ask my why I still care, I'll be sure to tell them why.

I'd forgotten how much I loved you, until I was looking in the eyes of good-bye.

See Me

See me...
Not for the frail old woman trapped in this bed.
Look past my messy grey hair and time wrinkled skin.
They only tell you the story of who I am now,
Not the people I’ve loved or the places I’ve been.

See me…

Not how my limbs have become so limp and weak.
See my spirit waiting to burst free from this shell.
My memories play a game of hide and seek,
Taunting me cruelly while in limbo I dwell.

See me…

Not the person who seems old and senile.
I am not the pain that stole the brilliant blue from my eyes.
I am the woman who could light up a room with my smile.
Look past what you see now, it is just a disguise.

See me…

Not the body laying here waiting in heaven’s queue.
The person I used to be; a woman, a mother, a wife,
Is desperately trying to reach out to you,
To thank you for blessing my beautiful life.

See Me…

My lips grow tired from trying to form unspoken words.
This is not how I want to be.
I don’t want to leave you, but you know I just can’t stay.
I promise you though, one day soon, you’ll see me.

Please Stay... 8 years

It's been 8 years now since Amanda left us physically. Eight years since I have heard her voice, seen her smile, watched her sleep, cuddled her on the couch, heard her say "I love you too", been wrapped tightly in one of her daily hugs, stared admiringly at her as she walked away confidently, received some random weird text video about wanting food, or enjoyed the sound of her laughter.

Even though it's been eight years since her death, she never leaves my mind and my heart still aches for her. Still... I consider us so blessed to have had her in our lives and trusted to be the ones to raise and love her for 16 and a half years. I like to look over at the passenger seat of my car where she would have been rushing to put on her make up before school. I imagine her so vividly that I can feel her warmth next to me and see her look over at me and smile. It took me almost three years before i didn't have a day when driving to work and my mind didn't drift back to memories of the day we lost her and the days that followed. I would replay every moment in slow motion, as tears gently burned their trace across my skin. Where I was when I got the call, who was in the room with me, the guilt over not answering my phone on the first time Lauren called me because my meeting at work seemed more important, having to make those heart wrenching calls to the rest of our family to tell them to "Come home. Please come home". Having my boss walk me to her car to drive me home and pleading gently with God the whole way there. The overwhelming love and support from friends, family, and even strangers. When I got to work, I would dry my eyes, take a deep breath, and move forward. I still have rare occasions when the memories come flooding back, but they don't drown my soul like they used to. I don't want to remember that day or the time that followed, but it's a part of my memory just as strong as the day I gave birth to her. I wonder what it would be like if she were still here. What job she would have, who her boyfriend would be, what fashion style she would be rocking, and whether I would have been wise enough to know I should cherish everything about her or would I just take for granted each moment I had been blessed to share with her. Sometimes I hear the shenanigans her friends get into and think "well... At least I don't have to go through that or worry about Amanda making poor choices" and then I'm filled with instant regret because I would be so happy to have just one more argument or one night of lecturing her for coming home late. At least, in the end, I would have her here with me. She might be mad or disappointed that she was in trouble, but she would be here. I don't like speaking in past tense, but that is what I am left with without her here. I don't want to tell how her story ended because the life she lived is so much more than that one moment in time. I've learned to say the word suicide without blinking, flinching, or crying in front of people. It's strange how people use suicide phrases in their daily vocabulary to express feelings or to joke around. I guess I never used to hear it before, I probably used to say use them myself more than I know, but now each word of those joking phrases jumps out and takes hold of my breath. Clutching my lungs tightly before slowly allowing me to breathe again. 

It's sad and tragic that we must assign a specific month, week, or even one day devoted to suicide awareness and prevention. Yet, suicide still seems to be something that is whispered instead of talked about. I am not ashamed that my daughter left the world the way she did. I do not begrudge her for not speaking out and asking for help through a difficult time, even though with every ounce of my being I wish she had. That's the thing... people who are suicidal don't think logically. They are experiencing an internal pain which takes over their thought process and presents only one possible solution. I wish I could have stopped her from feeling sad or alone in that moment of despair. I wish my love would have been strong enough to keep her here. I've had people say it's hard to understand how Amanda could have made such a "selfish" decision, taking away her pain and transferring it to her family and friends. In a moment of despair, you don't always stop to imagine how the world would be darkened without your light or have the ability to picture your life getting better. Whether you are 16 and experiencing a break up with the love of your life or 60 and tired of feeling numb and hollow, the depth of emotional desperation is immeasurable. You truly believe that no one will understand your pain or that no one can make you feel whole again. 

This is where I need to you to listen though. Those voices in your head are WRONG. You WILL make it through. You are NOT going to feel this way forever. This world WOULD be dark and sad without you in it. YES... even perfect strangers will ache at the loss of you. There are so many people who would do anything to help you. To listen to your story and sing a song of hope to your soul. You matter. If you are thinking that suicide is your only way out. It isn't. You say you don't want to burden anyone with your pain, but the pain you would leave them to deal with would me 100 x's worse. Trust me. Stop thinking about the rope, the gun, the pills, the knife, and any other exit strategy you've been planning. Reach out to someone. Anyone. None of us were meant to journey through this world alone. Please keep living. Please... Please stay. You are loved beyond measure. Live wisely and always choose the right.

What I Needed - 2/7/2013

Woke up in the middle of the night with work on my mind. Stayed awake until almost six and then fell asleep for another 45 min. That's hen you came to me Amanda. We were hugging each other so sweetly. You were resting your head on my chest. I said "I miss you so much" and you said "I miss you too. I miss you so very much mom." You wouldn't let go of me. You just kept your head on my chest and spoke softly saying, "I wish I had told you how much I appreciate you. You did so much for me and you are so good to my friends. You are always here for me even still." It was your voice. The voice I miss hearing throughout our home. It was your heart beating against mine and your soft hair against my chin. It was you. It was what I needed. Thank you my love. Thank you.

I love you billions and billions. Mama

Please Stay... 7 Years Without You

It's been 7 years now since Amanda left us physically. Seven years since I have heard her voice, seen her smile, watched her sleep, cuddled her on the couch, heard her say "I love you too", been wrapped tightly in one of her daily hugs, stared admiringly at her as she walked away confidently, received some random weird text video about wanting food, or enjoyed the sound of her laughter.

Even though it's been seven years since her death, she never leaves my mind and my heart still aches for her. Still... I consider us so blessed to have had her in our lives and trusted to be the ones to raise and love her for 16 and a half years. I like to look over at the passenger seat of my car where she would have been rushing to put on her make up before school. I imagine her so vividly that I can feel her warmth next to me and see her look over at me and smile. It took me almost three years before i didn't have a day when driving to work and my mind didn't drift back to memories of the day we lost her and the days that followed. I would replay every moment in slow motion, as tears gently burned their trace across my skin. Where I was when I got the call, who was in the room with me, the guilt over not answering my phone on the first time Lauren called me because my meeting at work seemed more important, having to make those heart wrenching calls to the rest of our family to tell them to "Come home. Please come home". Having my boss walk me to her car to drive me home and pleading gently with God the whole way there. The overwhelming love and support from friends, family, and even strangers. When I got to work, I would dry my eyes, take a deep breath, and move forward. I still have rare occasions when the memories come flooding back, but they don't drown my soul like they used to. I don't want to remember that day or the time that followed, but it's a part of my memory just as strong as the day I gave birth to her. I wonder what it would be like if she were still here. What job she would have, who her boyfriend would be, what fashion style she would be rocking, and whether I would have been wise enough to know I should cherish everything about her or would I just take for granted each moment I had been blessed to share with her. Sometimes I hear the shenanigans her friends get into and think "well... At least I don't have to go through that or worry about Amanda making poor choices" and then I'm filled with instant regret because I would be so happy to have just one more argument or one night of lecturing her for coming home late. At least, in the end, I would have her here with me. She might be mad or disappointed that she was in trouble, but she would be here. I don't like speaking in past tense, but that is what I am left with without her here. I don't want to tell how her story ended because the life she lived is so much more than that one moment in time. I've learned to say the word suicide without blinking, flinching, or crying in front of people. It's strange how people use suicide phrases in their daily vocabulary to express feelings or to joke around. I guess I never used to hear it before, I probably used to say use them myself more than I know, but now each word of those joking phrases jumps out and takes hold of my breath. Clutching my lungs tightly before slowly allowing me to breathe again. 

It's sad and tragic that we must assign a specific month, week, or even one day devoted to suicide awareness and prevention. Yet, suicide still seems to be something that is whispered instead of talked about. I am not ashamed that my daughter left the world the way she did. I do not begrudge her for not speaking out and asking for help through a difficult time, even though with every ounce of my being I wish she had. That's the thing... people who are suicidal don't think logically. They are experiencing an internal pain which takes over their thought process and presents only one possible solution. I wish I could have stopped her from feeling sad or alone in that moment of despair. I wish my love would have been strong enough to keep her here. I've had people say it's hard to understand how Amanda could have made such a "selfish" decision, taking away her pain and transferring it to her family and friends. In a moment of despair, you don't always stop to imagine how the world would be darkened without your light or have the ability to picture your life getting better. Whether you are 16 and experiencing a break up with the love of your life or 60 and tired of feeling numb and hollow, the depth of emotional desperation is immeasurable. You truly believe that no one will understand your pain or that no one can make you feel whole again. 

This is where I need to you to listen though. Those voices in your head are WRONG. You WILL make it through. You are NOT going to feel this way forever. This world WOULD be dark and sad without you in it. YES... even perfect strangers will ache at the loss of you. There are so many people who would do anything to help you. To listen to your story and sing a song of hope to your soul. You matter. If you are thinking that suicide is your only way out. It isn't. You say you don't want to burden anyone with your pain, but the pain you would leave them to deal with would me 100 x's worse. Trust me. Stop thinking about the rope, the gun, the pills, the knife, and any other exit strategy you've been planning. Reach out to someone. Anyone. None of us were meant to journey through this world alone. Please keep living. Please... Please stay. You are loved beyond measure. Live wisely and always choose the right.