Six Months...

It's hard to believe I have made it through 6 months without holding your little skinny body. Or having you purposely grind your bony butt in my lap after I scratched your back for a while. It's strange not smelling nail polish and nail polish remover every single day as I pass by your old room or the kitchen counter. Lauren just bought 25 new nail polish colors so I think she going to try and bring that Mandy smell back :) it's weird getting ready in the morning and not fighting over rug and mirror space with you. Lauren tries to hog the space, but eventually her nice side kicks in and she scoots over. I swear I can still hear your heavy footsteps pounding the floor of the hall. How could someone so tiny sound like freaking Bigfoot? 

If you were physically here with us I think you would like helping with your Amanda Panda Choose The Right foundation. It gets pretty tiring cutting pledge cards and wrapping wristbands, but it is also very rewarding. You would know just the right things to say to kids who leave us messages about how they are struggling. When I respond to them I never really feel like its me responding, but your voice through me. So thank you for staying with me and helping me out. 

I have to be honest and say when I had my surgery last month I was a little disappointed that nothing went wrong. If I could have just left this world for one short moment so I could see your face again and hold you in my arms, if even for a minute, it would have been all I needed. But no... I had an amazing surgeon and everything went perfectly well!

Shopping hasn't been any fun for me since you left us. I miss playing phone tag in the mall with you and your friends and hearing you tell them to stay close to me or I would be out of your sight within seconds making you try and find me by calling my phone to hear my ringtone. Now i just wander around aimlessly for a while and usually leave without buying a thing.  All I see and think is "that would look good on Amanda" and I want to buy it for you as a surprise because you loved surprises and they always made you smile and you would reward me with a big hug. 

Wow... Writing the word hug just made my eyes start to pour. I can't begin to tell you how much I miss our daily hugs. How you and Lauren would make a sandwich out of me in a hug and you would finish by grabbing my butt and Lauren would grab my chechees. I miss those silly poems you and Breanna would write back and forth and how you would spam her with a 100 text messages in one hour just because you were bored. I miss seeing the three of you hanging out in the kitchen or having girl talks in one of your rooms. I miss hearing your dad say " I bet I know what will make her smile!" when you were having a bad day and it didn't matter how grumpy you were, you would always grin from ear to ear when he pulled out his wallet and gave you a twenty. You were so stubborn too. Remember when your dad said something like "Amanda don't be stupid" so you didn't talk to him for two whole weeks until he apologized (and gave you a twenty).

I'm so glad you liked taking pictures of yourself because we have so many beautiful photos to look at now. My favorites are when your friends share some random picture or video we haven't seen before. Especially if you are talking  in it because I miss the sound of your voice so much. Nothing replaces the most beautiful image of you live and in person though. That's the one I really need. Sometimes I just close my eyes and picture you coming to lay on me or next to me to cuddle. I can feel the weight of your little body and the heat from your skin as you sink in next to me. I lay there and smell the scent from your freshly washed hair. It's wet against my skin, but I just gently move it to the side a little. Those are the memories I want to remember. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the memories of your angel day and my mind wants to replay every moment, every phone call, every hug, tear shed, and every last image. Then I try and drown out those thoughts with a sweet smile of yours instead or I have a good cry in my car or my office with my door closed, or at home in the bathtub/shower where the tears can run into the water. I just let it out and then I take a deep breath (and sometimes an anxiety pill). I quiet the voices in my head and listen gently for the one voice that will bring me comfort. The Lord has been good to me Amanda. He has wrapped His loving arms around me and allowed your arms to continue to circle me too so that I can have the strength to face each day without you physically here. We always said that you were the glue that bonded us together and now you are the glue that holds us together because we all want to be the best versions of ourselves for you. We have grown closer as a family and you are to thank for that. I know you are still with us. I feel you with us all the time. When your friends hang out at the house, I think they feel you there too.

We had such a great time celebrating your 17th birthday by singing you happy birthday at the cemetery with a large group of your friends and some adorable panda bear cupcakes that we made,  then we brought them back to the house for taco night two.

We made everyone come to our house this year for Christmas. I know you were there sitting around that table with us, smiling because you had everybody here in your favorite dwelling spot, surrounded  by tons of love.  I found that when you surround yourself with people who bring you joy that its hard t feel like you should be sad. I am so grateful for all of your friends (now our friends) who take the time to remember us. Who leave me random messages and check in with me to let me know they are doing okay. I appreciate even more though the trust they place in me when their hearts and minds are fragile and they reach out to me because they just need someone to listen and encourage them to keep going. Some of your friends come over just for hugs! I love that!

Your dads been talking about moving to a newer home that wouldn't require as much upkeep. I'm not a fan of the idea because we have so many memories of you growing up here, but I know we can take those memories with us where ever we go and that your spirit will come with us too if we ever make the move. Alyssa cried when she heard he wanted to move. I promised that we would stay here until they graduate from school so she and Ashten can keep coming over during the week to hang out. Alyssa keeps eating all the empanadas so its kind of like you are still here! 

While I don't think any of us will ever get over the sad days, we will get through them. I know we will because you will always be there to help us my little hummingbird (that hummingbird reference will have to be a whole blog post of its own! Your dad thinks I'm the crazy bird lady, but I don't care because it brings me joy) 

Well Stinkerbell... Give Walnut, Nana, Robin, grandpa Jack & George,grandma Helen, grandma Lola, my friend Robbie, Aliah, and baby J'Lynn a hug for me. I will always love you with all my heart. I know 6 months is nothing compared to the years we have left until we are no longer separated, but I'm going to try and just take one breath and one day at a time until I see you again. Thank you for the strength you give us to carry on. I love you baby girl. Forever and ever, to the moon and back, billions and billions Carl Sagan Gee Paw. 

Love mama

How Social Media Helped Heal Community

Social Media is an interesting phenomena. Some people use social media to share what they had for breakfast or what they are listening to while others post vacation photos or clever sayings. Some postings are song lyrics with no explanation that leave you wondering if it was just a song that person liked or if there is something you need to be concerned about. Social media is also a place to learn and share articles, viewpoints, and perspectives with others across vast geographical locations who have common interests. Some people use social media to rant about political opinions and some people do not post anything at all. Choosing to quietly observe (cyber-stalk you might say) the lives of friends and acquaintances. Until recently, my personal interest in Facebook had become more of an observer than a contributor and I found myself on Twitter to learn, grow, and communicate with people in the health care industry. I have a few friends on Twitter where more personal exchanges would occur, but I typically used Twitter on a professional level.  In July, when my daughter passed away, my impressions and ideas on how and who used social media were completely flipped. 

I recall quite vividly standing in my backyard with my family, huddled a few yards away from all the friends and family who came as soon as they heard of Amanda's passing. We were waiting for the coroner to arrive and praying that she would let us see our daughter before taking her body away. My husband, in a protective fatherly panic said "We need to shut down Amanda's Facebook wall." I knew his concern was that people were going to talk about how she died, instead of how she lived.  No one wants to hear, see, or talk about death by suicide, especially the family of the victim.  In that moment I was filled with complete confidence and assurance that her wall needed to stay up. Looking at him and then my two older daughters, I said "I understand where you are coming from, but I am going to have to disagree with you. Her friends are going to need a place to express their feelings, pour out their pains, and share their memories. I think this can be a place for them to heal each other." I asked our girls what their thoughts were and they were in agreement. The wall should stay up. 

Within 24 hours a twitter friend of mine started a prayer chain with others on Facebook and love came pouring in. Over the days that followed, we watched as Amanda's friends and even strangers expressed how Amanda impacted their lives. They shared loss and memories through stories and pictures. If one friend posted a comment that was concerning, ten teens responded with "call/text me now" or words of encouragement. I, personally, took to another form of social media, blogging, to express my emotions. We even stumbled upon a "Choose the Right" (CTR) blogpost that Amanda had written the year prior which became the inspiration for her memorial service that was attended by nearly 1000 people. We wondered if the those attending her service would take her message to heart. that answer was answered almost immediately after her service, when Amanda's Facebook wall was flooded with posts by kids promising to choose the right. Teens vowing to stop cutting themselves, try harder in school, or just be kinder to people. Others sending private messages confessing their attempts at suicide and promising they would never try it again. I have learned over the past several months which messages I should reply to and which ones are meant to be a private message to Amanda. Some messages led to phone calls or long nights of texting back and forth between myself and someone who was on the edge of making a permanent decision. We used Amanda's Facebook wall to share information on depression recognition, self harm and suicide prevention sessions sponsored by the YMCA and a wonderful group called Five Acres. After a couple weeks of messages, wall posts, and other comments our family realized that our youth, teens, and young adults are fragile souls that need help, guidance, and to know they are loved. So we started the process of forming a non profit foundation to keep Amanda's CTR message alive. A Facebook "Amanda Panda's Choose The Right" page was created where people could take the pledge to choose the right by liking the pledge wall. Those that leave their address behind are mailed a free CTR wristband to remind them of their pledge.

In our family community of Monrovia, California, over 2200 people have officially liked the Facebook pledge wall and, with the help of Amanda's friends and other community members, we have given out over 5500 wristbands that have reached from our city all the way to New Zealand and England. Our nonprofit status has been finalized and our website is up. Recently we challenged ourselves to get 2000 page likes by Amanda's 17th birthday. To help with that effort, our local online newspaper "The Monrovia Patch" helped us share our message generating about 40 page likes within the first couple hours after publishing.  Forty may seem like a small number, but every time someone likes our page on Facebook, it shares it in their personal feed for their friends to see, sharing our message with anyone that follows them. 

Through social media, we have been able to connect with other groups with similar interests, banding together to help keep our youth and loved ones ALIVE. I don't know what we would have done had this occurred in a time where technology was not available to allow these opportunities to share, communicate, and heal each other. 

Live wisely and Always Choose the Right!

Cousin to Cousin... Heart to Heart

My letter to Mandy(from her cousin Matt)

I remember when I saw the pictures you posted from your senior prom on Facebook. You looked even more stunning than when you went the year before and you looked like you were having an even better time with your friends. With me living clear across the country, I was looking forward to being able to at least see a glimpse of how beautiful you looked, knowing that I couldn’t be there in person.

But I did get to see you in person at your high school graduation. Now I know that on your big day I was just a face in a supportive crowd, but the hug you gave me let me know that you appreciated my efforts to cheer you on. You once again looked beautiful in your cap and gown and I couldn’t have been more proud to see you celebrating with your friends.

Twice I’ve mentioned your beauty, but neither time compared to how you looked years later in your wedding dress. I remember being especially honored that your invites extended even to family members that you didn’t see but maybe once a year. I will never forget Katie, Lauren and Breanna standing by your side as you said your vows. Or taking my seat with Brian and Uncle Matt as we all struggled to be manly men and fight back tears. Or giving a hug to Aunt Kristen and a handshake to Uncle Rich, telling them they did well with their no-longer-a baby girl.

But most of all, I remember how these memories aren’t memories at all. They are scenarios that I play out in my head, through my imagination, because that is the only way they are possible. My beautiful cousin has become a memory, one that comes with equal amounts of joy and sorrow.

When I met you, you were a young thing. maybe 5 or 6. My life took me away from California mere months before you were born and for some reason it took years for a visit back to my home state before we were introduced to one another. In fact, it was my first time meeting the entire Andrews clan - my “new” Uncle Rich, cousin Breanna and you. Admittedly, my relationship with those two would grow over the years but there was something about you that I was drawn to immediately. You weren’t exactly an open book, but when you did peel back a layer we had a lot of fun.

The annual summer visits continued and so did our times together. When I made visits to the LA area, I spent the majority of my time with the Saver clan. But the times you and your sisters were able to come along were always memorable. The funny thing is I actually remember my cousins getting jealous that I would spend more time with you than them (something I will argue to this day, I thought it was pretty even). But really, it wasn’t just me - everyone wanted to spend more time with you. Whether it was chasing you in the wave pool at Raging Waters or having karate demonstrations in the living room, you were so much fun to be around.

As you grew up, the personality of a “little kid” started to fade and a young woman started to come into the picture. But what was so great about it is that you never lost sense of who you were. You may not have said it out loud, but your family was so important to you. I could tell by the way you interacted with you sisters and your cousins and aunts and uncles. And me. You were always much more of a cuddly person than some of us were so when you would lay on my lap on the couch at first I wasn’t sure what to do. But now, I wish nothing more than to feel your embrace once again.

What’s sad is all these great memories I personally have, they now come with a price. The price of knowing that I will never be able to make more. For reasons that only you will know, you exited this world in July. At 16 years old, you were gone.

Getting the call from Katie will go down as one of the worst days of my life. And there lies where the hurt really begins to come. As much I wanted to see you more (as well as all of my West Coast family), I was a once-every-summer kind of relative. So while it’s going to hit me hard the next time I come for a visit and you won’t be there, it kills me that everyone in that area has had to go without your presence in their day to day life.

Especially your parents. I can’t pinpoint the exact time it happened, but your mom and I have gotten really close over the last few years. And your dad is someone who I have grown to respect as a person after just a few hours of work and conversation in the back yard. To watch both of them have to make preparations for their 16-year-old daughter’s funeral is gut wrenching.

I have no idea how your mom keeps it together. Maybe she doesn’t and she only shows the good days. But I have used her as a source of strength in the past few months. If she can keep going through all of this, I can make it through anything. And your dad... well let’s just say his speech at your funeral is a moment I will never forget. To hear a father talk about the daughter he will never hold again brings tears to my eyes right now just to think about.

And your sisters. You look at pictures of the three of you and you know that you guys had something special. Anytime that I start to think of you, I think of them. And then I think my own brothers and a stepsister who I am fortunate to have as family and I can’t begin to think what they are going through.

Then come your Saver cousins, Katie and Brian, both roughly the same age as you. They weren’t prepared for this and shouldn’t have to handle facing life without you. You came to Katie’s graduation (one of the greatest days I have ever been a part of) and they were supposed to come to yours.

But on a personal note, the one that gets to me the most is my Uncle Matt. He has always been like a second father to me and to hear him get emotional, something I have never seen or heard, gets to me. And when I watch the video that Katie made of you and I see him holding you when you were so young, I can see why. He watched you grow up and he loved you like his own daughter.

You see, it’s all this. All of this heartache that we all as a family - parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents - have to now deal with. And throw your friends in there because a fact I have had to come to terms with is that a lot of them knew you much better than I did. And they are all hurting now and will continue to. And the reason why we are all hurting is something I will never understand. Knowing that your death came at your own hands is such a hard concept to grasp. It makes me equally sad that you felt whatever you felt and angry because you acted on it.

But somehow - through the anger, the sorrow, the tears, the frustration - something has happened. Yes, the reason for my visit to California in July came under terrible circumstances. But it was honestly one of the best visits I’ve had. In a way, your death has brought all of us even closer together. I was around the right people I needed to be around and we laughed when we needed to and we hugged when we needed to.

And I just wish I could hug you now. When I see a picture of you, I just want to wrap you in my arms so tight that it’s uncomfortable. But even more important than the longing to see you again, the realization that you’re no longer here or the emotions surrounding both of those thoughts - is CTR.

You had no idea that when you posted that blog it was going to become a movement. That when you talked about Choose The Right, that it would become a mantra your friends and family - and now complete strangers - would adopt. You made a decision that day that I know with everything that I have that you would take back if you could. But we are moving forward with a movement of trying to instill that thought process into everyone else. Times are going to be tough but when faced mounting obstacles there is a path in front of us to choose. And we have the knowledge and the power to always choose the right.

I was talking to a friend tonight about you and how I have so many emotions bottled up. She suggested to write a letter to you to get it all out and I agreed. This is a concept that I started months ago but could never bring myself to work on. Now, in the past half hour I’ve just let my fingers do the talking. I’m not going to go back and edit because if I could see you again I wouldn’t be able to control what I would say.

But I would say all the things I never got the chance to - I love you. I miss you. And for you, I will always, always choose the right.

-- Matt

Amanda's Gratitude

I started out this morning with the intention of writing a blog about all of the things I am thankful for in my life, but was quickly derailed by my lovely daughter, Amanda, who excitedly asked me to write her list first. I know this may sound crazy, but I swear to you she talks to me all the time. She probably talks to you too, but you don't want anyone to think YOU are crazy so you just check it off as a memory or something Amanda would have said. But I have learned that those voices are not to be denied. Those are visits and Amanda has messages that she wants shared. Messages which turn in to blogs if I am willing to take the time to write them out. I'm going to try and write this one as I'm hearing her say it, so if there is sarcasm or humor, just know that Amanda is OUR daughter and that makes complete sense to me. Here it goes...

The first thing Amanda is grateful for is a loving Father in Heaven.  "I know you thought you loved me the most, but He REALLY loves me! Boy am I glad he's forgiving too. I know I wasn't perfect, but He treats me like I am."

I'm grateful that Jesus Christ sacrificed himself for me and for each of you. I may not have understood that very well before, but I know it now. He died so that we could live. Not just as mortal beings, but as spiritual beings when our time on earth was through. He provided a way for our family to always be together. All that stuff they talked about in church makes sense now. "Things that are bound on earth are bound in heaven." That means that even death cant separate us. I can't wait to see my family again one day, but I hope they take their time!

I'm grateful for my family, including all of my extended family. We really are a great family. We love each other... and not in the past tense just because I'm gone from them physically. Everyone always said I was the bond that connected us to one another. Our family is crazy, nutty, and maybe not that normal, but we are a good family and we will always be connected to each other. I love my parents and my sisters. I'm blessed that they are mine.

I LOVE my dogs Spike, Ollie, and Coco. They still make me laugh every day. I know some people think I am gone, but I'm not. I'm right here with you all the time. Which means I can still play with my dogs! I love it when you come over and play with my dogs too.

I am so grateful for all of my friends. Friends that were like sisters and brothers to me. Sometimes we would fight, but that didn't stop us from being friends. I am so proud of how strong they have been. I never meant to hurt anyone. Heck, I didn't really mean to hurt myself. I hope they all know how much they are really, really loved. I know some of you have been going through a really difficult time, but hang in there. I know that doesn't sound right because I left early, but I wouldn't have if I had thought it through and I honestly didn't mean to. Trust me... It will get better. There are great things in store for you.  Every time I see one of you go visit with my family or leave them a note, it makes my heart smile. I see how you have helped each other and perfect strangers who needed a smile too and it makes me grateful for each of you. You are all meant to do great things!

I am grateful that my parents found my blog post and shared the message about Choosing the Right. You guys probably would have laughed at me if I went around saying that before, but you get how important those three words can be and you have helped share that message and helped save other kids who needed to hear it. You are the bomb! Keep it going. Don't stop reaching out to others. You are making a difference every single day and I am so proud of you!

I am grateful for every moment I had with each of you. You made my life happy and full. You gave me things to laugh about every day. Thanks for being my family and friends. Thanks for being you. This is my favorite time of the year. Actually, from now until Christmas are my favorite times because it meant we would be spending time with family and I would be getting presents. Hey... what can I say... I love presents! Clothes, shoes, make-up... this is my time of the year! It kind of sucked that my birthday was right before Christmas because my presents were just kind of split up. It didn't help that I picked out all of my own stuff and would sneak in to my moms closet and wear them then put them back again right before my birthday or Christmas. Then on Christmas everything I opened I had already worn so that kind of took the fun out of it. My mom would always sneak me some extra money on the side to make me smile again. Here's what I've learned though... their is so much more to this season than receiving. Given is way better. Give a smile, a hug, an act of service, some kind words, help your mom or dad, or whoever you live with, around the house. Give one of your gifts to someone who has less than you. It will feel great. I promise you.

Anyhow... I've got my own work to do here and I think my mom has her own writing to do. Thanks for being you! I love you guys. Be grateful and love each other. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Live wisely and always Choose the Right!!!

AKA
Amanda
Mandy
Mandykins
Mama Panda
Manda Panda
Manda
Amanda Kellie
Stinkerbell
Stink
Babe (oh yeah... You know who you are - I was your babe)

Investing in You

Today I finally worked up the courage to close out Amanda's bank account. It was getting hard to get those monthly reminders that I had yet one more thing left to do. 

Something you need to know about Amanda is that she LOVED having a bank account because she LOVED money. She was so excited that Bank of America would allow her to have a debit card connected to her account at 14, instead of having to wait until she was 16. She has the Judd's to help thank for her ability to qualify. They would have her come out to Utah each summer and she would work for them selling anything that glows at special events, truck rallies, and fairs. She also babysat their boys on the days that Mandy J. would work part time. She made quite a bit of money during those summers, and while she did her best to spend most of it buying new clothes, she also came home with a few hundred dollars each time to put in the bank. The day she and I went to open her account, she explained to the bank officer that she was good at saving money during the summer and wanted a safe place to keep it. The bank officer smiled at the confident young lady in front of her and agreed to wave the age limit. From that day on, anytime Amanda had a few extra dollars in her pocket, she would ask if we could go to the bank so she could put it in her account. If the ATM would have accepted change, that would have gone in there too. Every time we would go to the bank she would count out her money, including her change, and then ask me if I wanted to add some to her fund. Before getting out of the car, she would say, "I'll give you my .63 cents (or whatever change she had dangling in her pocket) if you give me a dollar." I would always laugh and give her the dollar, even though I always let her keep her change. 

So, as you can imagine, today's task was not an easy one for me. Pulling Amanda's death certificate out of my hope chest where some of my dreams stay tucked away was difficult. Explaining why I needed to close the account and filling out the forms was hard too. But more than anything, I felt like I was closing out a part of her and I just didn't want to do that. I've given a lot of thought as to what I would do with the amount that was in Mandy's account. It really wasn't much because this summer she didn't go to Utah like she usually does, so her funds were running low. Still... I had to ask myself, "Do I give it to her sisters or buy one of her friends something?" I kept thinking about what she would want me to do. Then, as the bank teller was handing me over her money, a total of $26.80, it hit me. 

I collected her money and started across the street to Citibank, where we opened Amanda's non-profit foundation account (AKA Amanda Panda Foundation). As I was walking across the street, I heard Mandy's smiling voice in my head teasing me saying "Mom, I'll give you my .80 cents if you give me a dollar to make it even." So that's what I did. I spotted her the dollar and put the money in the ATM, just like she would have done. Yes... it was hard, but I realized her interests have changed too and though I closed out the old account, I helped her invest in something even more important. Saving lives. Together... we are investing in each of you. Know that you are all loved beyond measure. 

Live wisely... and always Choose The Right. 

http://www.facebook.com/AKAChooseTheRight

The Song of the Hummingbird

The week before Amanda left us, she and I spent quite a bit of time together in the backyard in our new recliner lounge chairs. I would read and she would text. I liked having her lay next to me. Even if we weren't always talking, I felt connected to her. It made me happy knowing she would actually WANT to hang out with me. Over the past few months I've found myself trying to take a moment to sit quietly each day and listen to the sounds around me and take in the beauty of my surroundings. It's my personal time to think about my life and feel connected to our Heavenly Father and, through that connection, I feel closer to Amanda. My favorite place to take these quiet moments is in my backyard where the trees sway with each gentle breeze and the worries of each day seem to melt away from me.  It may seem strange to some, but I swear I can feel Amanda sitting in the chair right next to me. I keep wishing I'll look over and see her texting like everything was back to normal.

I noticed a few days after Amanda passed that there were a couple hummingbirds that would come visit out backyard to suck the sweet nectar out of our flowers. There is something about a hummingbird that brings my heart so much joy. Perhaps it's because they come fluttering so quickly in and out of our lives. They make a humming or buzzing noise when they are near by. Sometimes I can see them and sometimes I can only hear them. 

Did you know Hummingbirds are always on the verge of starvation and because they have such a high metabolism, they come close to dying every night? When they wake in the morning it takes them almost a half hour to come out of their groggy state where they then rush to find life sustaining nectar and food. Do these characteristics sound like anyone else you know?  This was Amanda every day! Always humming. Always finding joy and making hearts smile. Always telling me that she was starving and in need of tacos :)

Her sweet spirit still surrounds me. It lifts me up with a gentle constant hum. I'm so grateful for the sweet hummingbirds that sing their songs to my souls and remind me of her and how much I am loved.

Pressing Forward

Last week I had a couple days that were a little overwhelming for me. (Pretty much for everyone really) But for me personally it was like my head just told my heart that this is real. I know it is true. I mean, I'm not in denial, but there are days when it really sinks in that I won't be able to hold you in my arms anytime soon and that I can only hold you in my heart and my memories. There are times when my grief is so strong  that I have to get on my knees and ask the Lord to carry that burden for me for a while. And you know what? He always does. He always grants me peace so I can recover my strength.

I still struggle with dreaming and I wish I could see you more. Last week I had a another strange dream. In this dream I was having a team meeting and for some reason, we were all given a task of describing our homes. People on my team were talking about traditional, modern, Spanish, and craftsman style homes and when it was my turn to describe my home all I could say is "My home is just walls that hold the love inside. My home has been visited by angels. My home is peaceful, but can also be so sad and lonely sometimes." In my dream I started crying because my heart was missing you and all the ways you helped fill our home with love, laughter, and joy. I felt sadness like I haven't felt in some time. My boss and friend, Gail, decided she would drive me home. She was there for me and she knew I just needed someone to be with, even if it was just in silence. Right before we left I decided I should run back inside and go to the bathroom. (Funny how pee keeps playing a role in my dreams. Perhaps I should stop drinking water before bed!) As I was going back up the steps there was an elderly Hispanic woman starting to go down them. Her daughter and granddaughter were with her, but both kept walking while she struggled with each step. So I reached out my hands to her to help her down. She looked at me with deeply sad eyes. I knew that loss. I've felt that sadness. With both of her hands in mine, she slowly made her way down two steps. Her granddaughter appeared behind me and told her in Spanish to hurry up. The old woman looked backward towards a past she wasn't ready to leave behind and then forward, towards a future that wasn't coming fast enough, then she sat down on the steps. Tired of fighting the currents of life. I sat down next to her, still holding one of her hands. I was tired too. Her granddaughter just stood there staring at us like we were both crazy. Neither of us cared though. We sat there for a minute or two gathering our strength. Then I gave her hand a squeeze and whispered in Spanish, "Shall we try again?" She squeezed my hand back and took a deep breath. Taking her other hand in mine, I slowly helped her to her feet once more.   When she reached the bottom step her granddaughter put her arm around her and with understanding in her eyes, allowed me to transfer the weight of her grandmothers burdens to her. By helping this beautiful old woman, I was able to release my own sadness and feel gratitude for all I've been given. 

What does it all mean? Sometimes it feels like people want us to move through our sorrows and leave them behind.  But to leave behind our sorrows means we would also have to leave behind the memories that brought us happiness to begin with. They don't want to see us sad or cry, but sometimes that's exactly what we need. What I need. I believe this dream was a reminder to me that it is okay to take a break from the busyness of this life. Its okay to stop and feel my heartache and release my tears. We also need to be aware that there are others out there who feel just as we do and by reaching out to them, whether it is to lift them up or just sit with them while they gather their strength, you can find peace and joy in yourself as well. 

I think I've always tried to be live a full life, but your passing has changed me in so many ways, and almost all of them for the better. I take time to slow down and listen to life. The hummingbird that makes its soft noise before it steals nectar from our plants, the swishing sound the trees make as a breeze blows gently through its branches, each word of a song meant for me to hear in the moment I need it most, and the whispers of the still small voice that reminds me you are near. I purposely look for moments of happiness to fill my world instead of dwelling on the whole you've left behind. Our house may be empty of your physical being, but your spirit stills dwells within each of us and within our home. I am never alone. I know there will be times when each step will take all of my strength and I may need to lean on others at times, but I promise if YOU keep reaching down to help me up, I will not give up. I will find the strength within myself to keep pressing forward through this journey and will look for ways to lighten or share someone elses burdens for awhile. 

Connections

Well love, it's been a couple weeks since I've written for you. I can't begin to express how much I miss you. How I wish I could turn back time and take away the hurt you felt that day so our world could be happy again. Dad and I drove to Utah last weekend to visit with the Melton's because Jeff's health has been deteriorating. Jeff was able to stay up for nearly three hours to visit with us and he even sang us a special song that he wrote for you as if it was coming from me. 

Jeff wanted to know if there was a message he could give to you. Your dad and i took turns sharing our thoughts with him. I gave Jeff the biggest hug I want him to give to you. It was long, full of love, and both of us were crying. I told him to tell you I love you and I miss you and I'm sorry if I didn't hear something you were trying to tell me. I asked him to give Aliah a hug from her mom, Camille, and her sister, Lauren too and to give a kiss to baby J'Lynn for Alicia and her grandma, your Aunt Kim. Of course we stayed with the Judd's while we were in Utah. It is evident that everyone thinks of you often. Nathan, Mandy, and I were having a conversation and by the end we were all tearing up a bit. Sometimes I have to really fight to hold back my tears and it is comforting when I'm with someone who is okay if a few teardrops fall. Most of the time I save my tears for my car rides to and from work though. It's like my safe zone. I have to tell you though, the makers of my "waterproof" eyeliner failed to consider the strength of a grieving mothers tears! 

Camille and I have become friends and Facebook pen pals, bonded by similar circumstances. Her daughter Aliah left them at the age of fourteen, a little over a year ago. I know neither of you thought your actions through and never intended for your actions to be this final. I'm so sorry for the hurt and helplessness that you felt in that very moment that led you to such a desperate action. I get this feeling that you and Aliah have come together, just as we have been connected with her family. We are all bonded to each other now. We are family.  It's nice to be able to share my feelings with someone who understands the loss I feel. The way the memories of that dreadful day can try and steal away the beautiful memories of a lifetime. Aliah's sister Lauren was so brave. One day she took a moment to reach out to me to share their story and from that very moment, I felt like you and Aliah were helping our paths intertwine. Lauren even reached out to your sister, Lauren and they were able to share things with each other that others might not understand. One day I went to the cemetery to sit with you and there were two birds that kept flying over my head. With each fly over they would let out a scream. I really felt like that was you and Aliah telling me you had found one another. I laughed out loud and said, "Are you trying to tell me you found each other?" and those darn birds came and screamed at me again. That really made me smile, because it almost sounded like one of those crazy noises you would make when you were being silly. Then Aliah's mom, Camille experienced a dream where she saw you two together. Camille just joined Facebook and she and I have become so close through just a few messages. I feel like I can tell her anything and we are able to lift each other up on those difficult days.

I know the Lord knows that we will have difficult days ahead, to say the very least, and he has placed people in our lives with your help who will support us in those times, just as we will be here to support them when they need someone to help carry them through. Amanda - your friends have become our family. There are days when our house seems so quiet without you here and one or two of them will randomly show up to do homework or just hang out. They fill our home with your memories and laughter. I know that they come here when they are feeling down to be comforted by your sweet spirit that remains, but I don't know if they realize how much we are comforted by their presence too. 

We continue to spread your Choose the Right message through your pledge wall. Together, with the help of your friends, we have distributed almost 3000 wristbands. One of your friends was wearing your wristband on the bus and a man asked her what CTR meant. She explained it to him and he immediately went on to Facebook to learn more about it. As she explained it so eloquently, "It's like a trickle effect. One person wears a wristband and shares the message with someone else. That person is so moved that they vow to take the pledge as well. That means another life can be saved and everyone wearing a wristband is connected by your message and the pledge to live wisely and always choose the right. You are changing lives every day, even from beyond the veil. Thank you for helping us make these connections my love. I know that you and Aliah are watching over us. I am so very proud to be your mom. I love you stinkerbell. 

- mama panda's mama

Dreams

It funny how the mind protects people in their most fragile states, turning off pieces of memories for a time. Perhaps it is so our minds can simply rest from all of the 'what if's' allowing time to heal. We've talked about that as a family... it seems we've all stopped dreaming since Amanda's passing. Or at least, none of us can recall our dreams. But I think that is the Lords way of saying, "Be gentle and patient. She has work to do here. When she is ready AND when YOU are ready, she will come to you. Rest now. Be still and know that I am with her and I am here for you."

I had one night when I was starting to fall asleep when I could almost feel her cuddled in my arms and smell the sweetness of her clean wet hair. I breathed her in as if she was truly there. I could feel our breaths move together, one breath in for each breath out. I know it was just me, but in that state of near sleep, it felt so real to me and I just treasured that moment. It hurts sometimes because I want to see Amanda so desperately and I feel like all of my memories come from pictures around my house. I don't want to remember her through snapshots, I want to know and feel her in each moment. 

I've missed dreaming. Sometimes her friends write about how Amanda came to them in a dream and it makes me smile because it's like she is going to the people who needed it the most. She is handling the most fragile first. I feel like she has never left us, at least in spirit, but still... I want her to come to me too. 

Last night I slept without any dream recollection, then woke up for a bit and fell back asleep. In my second round of sleep early this morning, I got my wish. A dream with Amanda in it... at last :)

It started off a little strange and irritating. I remember there was an odor coming from the side of our house that smelled a little like dog pee. When I went to the side of the house, I found a doorway that led to a very long hallway that was connected to our house. Down that hallway were little pee puddles and near the end of that long hall was Spike, Amanda's chihuahua, lifting his leg on the wall, leaving a trail that led me straight to a room. When I opened the door to the room, Spike ran inside. Inside the room was a bed like Amanda's and a big white fluffy down comforter just like she had. I was looking around the room and then looked at the bed when I saw the comforter move. Amanda was under the covers. She looked out at me and smiled and said "Hi mama". I looked down at her and said "Hi sweetie. I've missed you. What are you doing in this room?" She climbed out from under the fluffy comforter and said, "I'm helping some other kids cross to the other side. See... here comes one now." Then a little child appeared and she went to the wall, which appeared very thin, like a white sheet, and she led the child through the wall saying "It's okay... go to Him." Then she climbed back under the comforter and pulled it up to her chin and said, "I love you mama." I said "I love you too baby", then I walked out of the room to find a Swiffer to clean up the pee puddles leaving Amanda to do her job.

Figures... I would finally have a dream with Amanda in it and all I can think about is cleaning up the pee puddles! I thought about that dream a lot today though and found great peace in it. It assured me that she is okay. She still loves and knows us and that she is doing her job to help others cross the veil to be with their Heavenly Father. It tells me that the veil is thin and she is still very close to us... as close as crossing over a hallway to another room. It also reminded me that Spike thinks he owns that little girl, but sometimes his possessiveness can come in handy. I know I won't be blessed with dreams every day, but I will learn to cherish each one I am given, just as I've learned to find the beauty in this loss of ours. It may be a while before I see Amanda again in the spirit world, until then, I will keep her in my dreams.

What do YOU want?

No one wants to think about getting sick or making end of life decisions for themselves or someone they love, but getting sick happens and death will eventually happen too. Questions about how you want to live your life, what kind of care you would like to receive, and the extent of what measures are to be taken on your behalf should be addressed while you are healthy and alert, not in a moment of desperation or left to family to determine what YOU would want. 

I have always been a strong believer that we should be the ones in control of our health care. Years ago, when I worked on the Health Plan side of KP, I would go present at health fairs and employer events. I would talk to employees about why they should choose Kaiser Permanente and how to navigate this big system of ours. I would always tell them that if they have a bad experience, they need to let us know about it by contacting member services. If they don't feel like they connect with the provider they were assigned, they can ask to switch to someone else. This is THEIR health plan and they must have a voice in the care they receive. I've also wondered why we haven't made Advance Directives part of our enrollment packet. Some may argue that it sets a tone of "you might die with us", but I think it can be approached it a way that says, "We want YOU to help us make these very important decisions. Tells us how you want us to care for you." 

When my late grandmother was in her 80's, she and I became pen pals. Writing letters back and forth became a weekly thing. As her health slowly deteriorated, her letters included words to me about how she wanted the end of her life to be handled. She did not want drastic measures taken on her behalf. She was quite clear that she did not want to be put on life support or have her life prolonged if the quality of life was poor. She had already arranged for a plot next to my cousin where she wanted her cremated ashes to be buried and reminded me of that in almost every letter. My grandmother lived until she was almost 98 years old. She had a high quality life and wanted to leave this world with grace and dignity. When my aunt wanted to hold on to her even longer by requesting extreme efforts by her medical team, I was able to provide the advance directive that my grandmother had given me and my nana's wishes were respected and upheld. Those letters and that advance directive gave me and my sisters the peace of mind we needed to make the right decisions for my grandmother in a time when the heart begs you to do something completely different. 

When our daughter Amanda was 12 years old she was very ill and spent six months of her 7th grade year in and out of the hospital. One day I came home from work and her older sister came to me in a panic because Amanda had written a will. My heart skipped a beat to think my 12 year old daughter thought she was going to die. I went to talk to her about it and she looked at me with surprise and laughed and said, "Mom... don't you know that you are supposed to write your will when you are healthy? The people on TV said it's called a Living Will and you should have one so people know what to do with you and your stuff." With a deep sigh, I realized my daughter, who had become a tv infomercial addict during her illness, had the clarity and insight that most adults don't think to have. She understood the concept of "letting people know your wishes". 

When she passed away away at the age of 16, her sisters and I reread every word she had written. Her clothes were to go to her friends - if we could find someone who could fit in to her 00 pants - she added with a smiley face. She wanted her dog to go to her sister Breanna (who politely said we could keep him). Her make-up and nail polish collection to her sister Lauren Her music to her cousins. In a final note to her dad and I our then 12 year old daughter wrote "Dear mom and dad... Enjoy the memories and my stuffed bunny". This took a huge weight off my shoulders, because I knew what my daughter would want us to do. We called over a couple of her 'tiny' friends and had them do their back to school shopping in Amanda's closet. Amanda, being an extreme fashionista, had an amazing wardrobe and she was able to bless her friends who weren't financially able to go back to school shopping on their own. I was able to release her belongings with the assurance that I have truly been left with the most beautiful memories and that those are more important than any material goods. 

Amanda also taught me another lesson about the importance of making your wishes known. At sixteen years old with one month left to go before she could get her drivers license, Amanda went with her dad to DMV so her older sister, Breanna, took her drivers test. Amanda saw Breanna filling out an Organ Donor card and asked what that meant. Breanna and her dad explained that it means when you die, you are offering to give some of your organs to others so they can live or improve the quality of their life. Amanda, without any hesitation, asked if she could sign up. Once again, she made her wishes clear. So, after learning of her death our family was able to act without hesitation. We knew what she would want. 

I realize that Advanced Directives are not the same as writing a will or becoming an organ donor, but the concept is the same. It is about making your wishes clear and letting others know what YOU want to happen to YOU. I believe, it is one of the kindest things you can do for your loved ones because you take away the guilt of having to make those tough decisions. It provides peace of mind for those who may be left to act on your behalf because they know you and what you want. So I leave you with this thought... Are you prepared? Have you made your wishes known? What do YOU want?

First Days

I will never forget your first day in this world. You made quite an entrance arriving in the middle of the night and only giving me two hours notice from the time my contractions started until you made your first appearance on December 19th, 1995, a little after 4:00am. I couldn't even have pain killers because you were in such a hurry. You had the umbilical cord wrapped tightly around your neck so you came out purple and quiet. I made your dad go and give you a little pinch to get you to cry (Yes... the doctor said that was a good idea!) That night, you stayed with me in my hospital room while your dad went home and slept. It was so close to Christmas that some of the hospital staff were going through the halls singing Christmas carols. Your aunt Monica and I got up to watch them. Their sweet songs lulled you right back to sleep. You, my love, will always be the best early Christmas present I will ever have.

Your first day of kindergarten you met a little girl named Victoria Perez. You two found each other that first day and became best friends within minutes. You had many first days together, including failed attempts at sleepovers where you would both end up in bed with us or Tori's parents.  Tori was your first friend to take you on a play date. You got to have McDonald's and had no problem speaking up and telling Donna and Gil that you did NOT like cheese on your burger. When we moved from Arcadia to Monrovia right before you started second grade, we knew there would be first days that you two would experience without each other so we made our best attempt to keep you connected by meeting up for dinner at the mall every Friday night. That lasted until almost middle school and our family dinners became less frequent, but that never stopped you from being friends with each other and using Facebook to share your first days together.

You started 2nd grade at a new school you didn't seem worried at all. You quickly made friends with Carina, Emily, and many others. You were ready to learn and explore your new world. You were so confident and happy.

Middle school wasn't an easy time for you because you got terribly sick during 7th grade and were in and out of the hospital for 6 months. You were so sick all the time that we had to put you on independent study. Your friends that you met in the 6th grade (Sophie, Sierra, and Kayla) stayed by your side though and had you over whenever you were well enough to go out.

You grew up a lot during the time you were sick. Friends often told us that you seemed like you had an old soul after that year. When you were cleared to go back to school in 8th grade, you were a little anxious about seeing all of your friends again and going back to school, but you did great.  You even came home with a couple new friends, Alyssa and Ashten. You have always had such a kind heart and a strong belief in making people feel good while conquering the injustices you saw in the world, like when Alyssa was told she couldn't attend 8th grade graduation. You and Asthen made her a diploma and held your own ceremony for her so she didn't feel left out. You even had me play graduation music for her.

The first day of each new high school year used to be so nerve racking for you because you were worried about finding your classes, remembering your locker combination, what teachers you would get, whether you would have your close friends in class, and if you had the right outfit chosen (after trying on about 30 outfits). Your room would look like a tornado had passed through it by the end of the night. I would have to give you tylenol pm just to make you tired. Then you would crawl under a pile of clothes and try to go to sleep. Last year, your friends were nervous too, so they came over and spent the night so you could all go to school together.

You had two real boyfriends, Rudy and Gus. Not at the same time of course, but both were able to capture a piece of your heart. Together you shared first kisses, first dates, valentines, break-ups, make-ups, and birthdays. This picture was taken on your 16th birthday. You looked gorgeous! You were so excited because that meant you would be able to get your driving permit, and then, your license.

Today would have been the first day of your Junior year. I have to admit that most days I feel like I can hold myself together, but yesterday I could feel my grief creeping up on me slowly, waiting for the perfect moment to come crashing down on me. I fought back tears most of the day and enjoyed a family outing (Yes... we were an 'outdoor' family yesterday!) Then last night, Emily stopped by to bring me a "first day of school Panda shirt". How wonderful it felt to know that I was being thought of too. That shirt was just what I needed to open up the flood gates of tears. Oh how it saddens me to think we will not have any more first days of school. This morning, I wanted to fight with you over room on the bathroom rug. I wanted to share make up and watch the morning news on the bathroom tv with you. I wanted to be able to yell down the hall to hurry up because we were going to be late AGAIN. I wanted to tell you that you looked beautiful like always and that you picked the perfect first day of school outfit. I wanted to make you lunch and buy you school supplies. It made me think about last week, when I was at Staples picking up some markers and envelopes to mail your CTR wristbands out and I saw a teenager about your age trying to get her parents to let her add a frivolous article to their already full shopping cart. I had to stop myself from shouting, "Oh please... just let her have it. Don't you know how lucky you are?"

I knew today would be hard for your friends too, because it was so hard for me. Your friends had shared so many stories of you sharing your lunch with them and that really warmed my heart. So I talked Lauren in to helping me make lunches for all 16 of your lunchtime friends.  We put in all of your favorite foods. PB and J sandwiches, fruit punch, hot Cheetos, fruit roll-up, chocolate chip muffin, and a granola bar. We packed them in brown paper bags because you like to tell Lauren and I that it made you felt special and like someone really loved you because they took the time to pack a lunch in a brown paper bag. Then Lauren dropped them off at school with Brandon. We wanted you to be part of the first day of school and you were sweetie. Your friends were surprised and grateful. Not only were they fed physically, but I believe their souls were fed as well. They know you love them still and you are going to be walking those halls with them, sharing lunches with them, and sending them hugs and kisses from heaven.

Before I left for work, after wiping away another mess of tears, the mailman dropped off a card from Sister Terrill. She wrote, "Back to School - May be tough - just remember that Amanda is now in the only school that really counts! Thinking of you each day." I can't tell you want it means to get these random cards from people. Sometimes it's like the world expects you to just move on already, but then there are people who understand that my heart will always miss you and I will have both good and bad days. We all will. It comforts me to know that you really are in the school that really counts. The Lord is teaching you all He needs you to know so you can continue to do your missionary work. You will continue to learn and grow, and with that growth, you will be able to pour blessings from the heavens on to all of us. I know I will have many first days without you now, but the first day I look forward to most is the one were we are reunited. I will love you forever and always my love.

Mama

Measuring Your Absence

How do we measure your absence my love?
In breaths, moments, months, weeks, days, or hours?
Shall we number the tears that have burned our cheeks,
Or the petals that have fallen off the summers flowers?
Do we count each memory shared with another,
Or the hugs that were given in your name?
So many comments left on your Facebook wall,
Reminding us that we are not alone in our pain

Last night as I lay next to your sister,
The moon crawling towards the morning sun,
I swear I felt you cuddled tightly in my arms,
I could almost feel you breathing... only our breaths were one.
Do we measure your absence in dreams my love?
If so, you've only been gone from me for a day.
Do we go by the number of Wednesdays gone by?
There have been four since you went away.

Do we use the number of sympathy cards received,
And the hearts that have been touched near and far?
Or do we count the times we lost it, together and individually,
By your headstone, in the shower, alone in bed, or the car.
Shall I count each time I used your shampoo to smell you near.
Each picture stared at, touched, and lightly kissed.
I wonder if any of the things we do here now,
Can truly measure the depth of how much you're missed.

Perhaps we should measure our time without you,
By the prayers we have given on bended knee.
Or all the pleas asking why you left us so soon.
Requests sent to heaven to keep your spirit close to me.
Does it really matter that it is the 11th of the month?
All these reminders that we are now physically apart.
No... I will not measure your absence, my love,
Instead I will carry your life's song forever in my heart.

Painting Daffodils Growing by the Sea... Without Me

Daphne Loves Derby lyrics

You've left me with such a silent world,
Where evenings are calm, but I'm restless
And my breath has become as thin as the wind.

Not even the mighty sky could fill the space you left behind
Not even when it rains.
No, nothing takes your place
Your emptiness too great to fill.

I have been holding my breath,
For too many nights in a row,
And somewhere on coastlines unknown to me
You paint your dreams,
With reds and blues and greens.
Yea you're painting daffodils by the sea,
Without me.

Today in a breeze I sensed your perfume
But you were nowhere near.
And in reverie,
I felt you holding me.
And even in my dreams I shake from the fear 
Of truth being swept away
By the rhythm of the waves I whisper in your ears.

I have been holding my breath,
For too many nights in a row,
And somewhere on coastlines unknown to me
You paint your dreams,
With reds and blues and greens.
Yea you're painting daffodils by the sea,
Without me.

I would give away
The sweetest memories,
If I could just be with you again.
Be with you again.

I have been holding my breath,
For too many nights in a row,
And somewhere on coastlines unknown to me
You paint your dreams,
With reds and blues and greens.
Yea you're painting daffodils growing by the sea,
Without me.

Last night I dreamt you were with me, 
Finally I could breathe.

Ms. Hazel Eyes: One step at a time

Ms. Hazel Eyes: One step at a time: Ever since your passing my heart, soul, and emotions have been all over the place. I normally am only okay and sane when I am around people....

Serving a Mission

July 29th
Rich and I went to church today at the Arcadia Foothill building so we could hear the daughters of our friends give farewell talks. One of the girls, Lauren, is going to BYU and her older sister, Cammie, is leaving to serve a mission in South Carolina. I used to tell Rich there was no way I could every be apart from one of our girls for 18 months while they served a mission. How could I go through my day without hearing their voice or being hugged by my girls? In fact, until we went to temple and were sealed to our daughters for time and all eternity, I would experience ocassional panic attacks. Knowing that we were sealed together forever took away those terrifying moments. Now my little girl is off serving a mission. Not in the Carolina's somewhere or in some foreign country where a second language is necessary to communicate, but she is serving a mission on the other side of the veil for her heavenly father. Having watched the reactions of friends and family to Amanda's passing and the Choose The Right message that was shared during her service being carried forward, I am certain that Amanda has impacted and changed many lives for the good. Still... I selfishly wish our separation was only to be for a short 18 months, and when she has finished her mission she will return to earthly home for us to raise her. 


People keep asking me how I'm doing. My typical response to that question BEFORE Amanda's death would have been "good" or "great", but now all I can think of is "I'm hanging in". The truth is most of the time I do feel good because of the comfort the Lord and Amanda have been sending.  Sometimes I actually feel guilty for not grieving more. I can hold it all together most of the time because I find myself taking each breath, each minute, each moment, each hour, each day, and each night as they come. I can manage if I keep living in the now. It's those desperate glances towards the future that throw me off... moments when the reality of not seeing my little girl until the next phase of our lives that sends my heart racing in panic and desperation. I ache so much from the loss of her physical being next to mine. Tonight as I made preparations for our Sunday night family dinner with our girls and their boyfriends, I felt that now familiar and unwanted panic creeping up on me, stealing away my strength. I kept thinking, "this dinner table should be set for 7 people(or 8 if Amanda's boyfriend also came), not six. We should be fighting over who has to sit in the oddball chair." There is an awkwardness about my life now. Hovering on the border of who I was before July 11th, who I am now, and who I am to become. As I sink in to this new life without one of my greatest lifes blessings, I find myself wondering where this new journey will take me. Will I make her proud of how I respond to this new way of living... without her?


Eventually, I know that people will move on with their lives. The condolence cards will stop coming. Her friends won't forget her, but they will have days when she isn't the first and last thing they think about. They will have nights when they dont feel the need to cry themselves to sleep. They will find joy and laughter in the simple beauty of life and live as though she were living through them. Will those days come for our family too?  As much as I want to always remember her, I don't want it to always hurt to remember.


Amanda is serving a new mission now. One I know she didn't plan on serving for many, many years. Life is what it is though. There is no magic spell, wand, or fairy dust to change the outcome or our new circumstances. When people ask me how many daughters I have, I will always say "THREE!" with love and pride in my heart. Two that are with us, and one that is serving a mission for the Lord.