Hugs Heal Part II

A couple weeks ago I wrote a blogpost called "Hugs Heal - So Hug Like You Mean It". In that post I shared the hugs that have impacted me most in my life. At the time, there were only around 16 hugs that had etched their memory deep into my soul.

On July 11th, 2012, my world changed forever when my beautiful 16 year old daughter Amanda took her own life and, with that devastating event, the number of significant hugs that I have received and have given has become uncountable.  Hugs came to us immediately from coworkers, neighbors, relatives, church members, friends of our family, and friends of our daughters. Prayers and hugs were sent out across Twitter with a #HugsHeal hashtag and Facebook wall notifications. Friends of Friends, who didn't even know us sent out their hugs and prayers and I felt strengthened by them all. Strangers who understood our grief from having endure the same dire circumstances and strangers who had never experienced the loss of a child, but knew it would feel almost unsurvivable without love from others; strangers or not.

In our LDS faith, as in many others, when someone passes the congregation pulls together to provide love, support, and meals. Lots and lots of meals. With each meal that is dropped off, I could almost see the remnants of tears that spilled onto their aprons as they prepared nourishment for our family using ingredients of love, friendship, hope, and pain. One of my co-workers came by the day after Amanda's passing, knowing that our home would be filled with teenagers coming to grieve, pay respects, and heal each other, she brought tons of snacks and drinks. When Amanda's friends came, we were prepared and I was extremely grateful. Friends and family came from near and far to hold us. My friend Lara, who I mention in my Hugs Heal blog, even organized my kitchen while our family friend Mandy J. cleaned up. Others stopped by to volunteer their services, even if it meant walking our three dogs. Church members who served their mission in our area and who had become a part of our family came too. We had visitors from North Carolina, Texas, Utah, BC, and both Northern and Southern California... all to wrap their arms around us to tell us we are not alone. Donations also poured in to help with the funeral expenses, taking a huge burden off our shoulders so we could focus on the healing process with our two older daughters.

I don't think I could have made it through without all of you. No one should ever have to experience a loss of any kind alone. Whether it be the loss of a loved one, a family pet, or friend, we should all learn to reach out to one another and give what we can of ourselves. My daughter Amanda was a very happy girl who had a brief moment of despair.  Let this be a reminder to all of us to love deeply. My daughter was very loved and she loved deeply. We know she did not intend for the outcome to be this final, but it can not be changed. We must Carry On and live worthily so we can all be reunited again. Think about your decisions before you act. Choose the Right (CTR).

I feel like I have so much writing to do, but my heart will only let me get it out in pieces. Bare with me. Love Me. Hug Me. #hugsheal

Carry On, Carry On

Amanda Kellie Andrews
Beloved daughter, sister, cousin, and friend
Rest in Heaven my love
12-19-95 to 7-11-2012

I can’t tell you how much I miss your laughter
And those teasing names that said you loved me too
You bugged me so much about cutting my hair
So it is short again just for you
I know I yelled because you would take my clothes,
But if you were here now they would all be yours
I would give up anything... Do anything
To have you here with me once more

Don’t cry Lauren,
I am not gone
Carry on sister,
Carry on, carry on 
 
When you were little I carried you every where
Until it drove you nuts and you'd push me away
The older we got the closer we became
I loved it when you would ask me to come stay
Remember how we wrote funny poems back and forth
And you said I smelled like moldy afghan goat cheese?
You always had the best sense of humor
Won't you come back to me please?

Don’t cry Breanna,
I am not gone
Carry on sister,
Carry on, carry on

Your friends and other family have been here sharing their memories with us
Eating smiley face fries on the roof in the sun
Jamming to your favorite "gangster" music each day
Going to the trail for a walk or run
Sleepovers and pillow fights, make-up, clothes, and boys
They share treasured secrets that bring us comfort and joy
Teachers and friends you haven't seen for awhile
Have all sent the most beautiful comments about you
You touched so many, many lives for good
We know you will live on in them in everything they do

Don’t cry loved ones,
I am not gone
Carry on friends,
Carry on, carry on

I've been so blessed to be your father
To have the Lord trust me with your care
I'll always cherish our road trips with the Judd's and Dean
Your cuddle chambers, chili fries requests, and bedtime prayers
Now when I think of you, I smile
Though my heart is aching from the pain
I go on because I know you would want me to
But living without you just isn’t the same
Desperately clinging to every memory of you
I think of how you touched our lives in so many ways
You visit me in my dreams at night
But I can never make you stay

Don’t cry daddy, 
I am not gone
Carry on daddy,
Carry on, carry on

I sit in your empty room at night
Dreaming dreams that will never be.
Surrounded by all the things you loved,
For they bring you nearer to me.
I hug your pillow close to my heart,
Just a hint of perfume lingers from your shampoo.
I remember all the time we spent cuddling together.
Oh sweet girl, I will always love you.
I long for those precious moments again,
Yes, I know I’ll have them back in time
Until then I have my beautiful memories of you
And your skinny hugging arms wrapped around mine.

Don’t cry momma,
I am not gone
Carry on momma,
Carry on, carry on

I sit here by Heavenly Father’s side
Rubbing my hands through Walnuts soft fur
Jesus said He will watch over you now
And send you the spirit as a comforter
The angels sing me "Come, Come Ye Saints"
When I want to feel you near
And when you say your prayers at night
They always let me hear

So don’t cry family,
I am not gone
Carry on family,
Carry on, Carry on

Live Wisely, and always, always Choose the Right (CTR)!

A Father's Kiss

In loving memory of my baby girl Amanda. 16 years were not enough. 
You are ours for eternity and we will see you on the other side.

Amanda Kellie Andrews 12/19/1995-7/11/2012

Her Father holds her in His loving arms, 
And with a kiss He lets her go. 
He sends His beloved daughter down, 

To her family waiting below. 

He knows that they will love her, 
With every fiber of their hearts. 
The temple bond He sealed them in, 
Promises they will never truly part. 

His Father’s intuition reminds Him 
How faith can be shaken when in rough seas, 
So He blows kisses from the heavens 
To etch her smile forever in their memories. 

A family kneels in prayer together. 
Hearts breaking as they try to comprehend. 
How the love and joy they shared with her, 
Could come so abruptly to an end. 

He tries His best to comfort them, 
Somehow hoping to lighten their load. 
The bonds of eternity begin to strengthen, 
As she prepares their castle at the end of their road. 

She sits, perfected, by His side, 
As they watch the scene below. 
Her father holds her in his loving arms, 

And with a kiss he lets her go.

Love you baby - Mommy

"We'll love you forever. We like you for always. As long as we are living, our baby you'll be."

Hugs Heal - So Hug Like You Mean It

I've been thinking a lot about hugs lately. Strange right? Let me explain...

A few weeks ago, my friend Ted Eytan (@tedeytan for you twitter followers) introduced me to a special lady named Lauree Ostrofsky (@simplyleap) through a tweet which was on the subject of hugs.  Lauree is the founder of Simply Leap and has been going around the country on what she calls a "Hug Tour". The message is simple... Hug like you mean it.

"My hug tour is a personal journey with a larger purpose. I want the people in my life to know they are important. To feel that they are loved, because they are. I also hope that my actions encourage others to share love. As adults we can be apprehensive, or just preoccupied, to show how we really feel. In answer to that, I say: It’s time to hug like you really mean it."  - Lauree

How can one tweet make you rethink how you hug? Rethink your life? I guess that's really the power of Twitter. The messages, though sometimes life-changing, are short and sweet - the reader must decide what and how to interpret and/or apply. When I read about Lauree's #hugtour, my first thought was... she really is brave. You see, I didn't come from a big family of huggers, at least not growing up. I don't recall my mom being overly affectionate, though I know she loved me. My dad was on the road a lot for work, so I do remember him hugging us as he would come and go. I DO remember a couple of family friends who were like uncles to us that always gave hugs. My uncle Dan, who was the stand in father figure when my dad was away and David who liked to hug a little too much (He turned out to be a child molester - so his creepy hugs don't count).  My step-dad is a big hugger, but I think I felt like it would be betraying my dad if I accepted them as freely as they were given. Other than that, I didn't really have a lot of huggers in my life who hugged "like they meant it". You know the kind of hug that says, "I care about you and I'm not going to let you go".

It's such a strange and almost uncomfortable feeling for me when I encounter someone who hugs like they mean it. It is cathartic and terrifying at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I have so much of my past built up inside me that I fear if someone were to hug me with their heart and soul too long I would quite possibly crumble in tears.

Is it a sad statement when you can list the hugs that you remember that changed you a little bit inside? Here are the hugs that I etched their memory in to my heart.

Hugging my dad when he and my mom separated and he was leaving for his new appt. Hugging him when he left for Saudi Arabia to work for a few years. Running to hug him every time he came to see us.

Hugging my sister Kellie who was going to live with my grandmother when she was 13.

Hugging my sister Kim after helping her pack a bag so she could run away. Having her tell me to look out for my younger sister.

Hugging my boss, who was more like a fatherly figure to me than a boss, who could just tell that something was wrong when I showed up for work without a smile on my face. He made me go sit down with him. Told me I didn't need to talk if I didn't want to. I couldn't find the words, but the tears I had been holding back for the last hour started to fall. He got up and hugged me. He hugged me through all of my sobbing and heart ache. He hugged me until I could whisper the words; Right before I left for work my younger sister told me that one of my best friends, Robbie, was killed in a car accident the night before.

Hugging my best friend Lara right before I drove away to start a new life in Southern California... without her. She was my family and a huge piece of my heart. Leaving her behind left a piece of me too.

Hugging my two year old after she saved me from her father who had me pinned down to ground and was strangling me. My brave little hero came to my rescue, climbing on his back as she cried "No papi No!" Her plea broke him from his wicked spell. He climbed off me, kicked me in the ribs and walked away. Leaving her to hold my head while I caught my breath.

Hugging my soon to be second husband as he broke down in tears. His ex-wife had taken their daughter (HIS heart and soul) and hid her away.

Hugging a lady named Sherri Green who I met when I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Her hugs were so full of love and strength... they scared me. I wasn't used to someone hugging me like that... like a mother would do.

Hugging my sister Kim who moved away to Texas to start her new life when she was just 19 years old. I hadn't seen her for a couple years and I was in Texas for a conference that I was speaking at. She drove from Lubbock to San Antonio after working all day to spend a day and half with me. When she got to my hotel, she gave me one of her bear hugs. Tight and secure... full of sisterly love.

Hugging my nephew Matt when I stepped off the plane in Alabama to go to his college graduation. He and I have become quite close over the years and it was like hugging one of my own children. I wish he lived closer to us, but since he doesn't, our hugs have to last until the next time we'll see each other.

Hugging Lara again after not seeing her for several years. She will always be my best friend and soul sister.

Hugging my boss, Gail Lindsay(@nurseqm) and co-worker, Ruthie Goldberg, after having a bit of a nervous breakdown at work.

Hugging a lady at a grocery store who stopped me tell me I was beautiful. I broke down in tears and, without any hesitation, she hugged me whole again. Earlier that day my mother-in-law had told me I was fat and should consider gastric bypass. I spent the rest of the day telling myself I was ugly and unworthy, until I met this random woman who said I was beautiful.

Hugging two friends I had met through Twitter at DC HealthCamp and The Walking Gallery Event. The first was a hug from Regina Holliday(@reginalholliday). Her hug said, "I get you and I love you for being who you are." Then, meeting Lisa Fields(@practicalwisdom) who I had made an instant connection with through Twitter. When we met, she hugged me until I almost cried. Had nothing else in DC gone right, the trip would have all been worth it because of that hug.

Hugging my daughters every day, who won't let me walk by them without a REAL hug. I love the way they make me feel.

Hugging my chiropractors massage therapist who confided in me that he was feeling numb from the loss of a best friend. We talked about his pain and my own numbness when my best friend had died. When he finished massaging my neck, I reached out and gave him a hug. Only this hug was different from what I was used to giving. All I could hear in the back of my mind was Lauree saying "Hug him like you mean it. Show him that you care." So I hugged him tight and didn't let go. After about a minute he started to cry, and I cried with him. All I could think was... Hugs really do heal.

I will be 45 this Saturday, July 7th and I find it a little disturbing that I'm figuring this out so late in life, but there is no better time to start like the present. From now on, I'm going to hug like I mean it. If you are a sideways, one-arm-around-the-back hugger, please know that I will not let you get away without giving you a full on, two-armed hug. (If you only have one arm, I will still accept a one-armed hug, but you had better damn well mean it!)

I realize now, as I write this blog, that the hugs that really impacted me the most throughout my childhood are the hugs where someone was telling me goodbye. I don't want to think of hugs like that anymore. I want my hugs to be healing and full of love...for me and the recipient. To those who have hugged me with their whole heart... thank you. Whether you knew it or not, you have helped me heal a little bit with each embrace. 

Huh... it seems that Twitter really can help change the world. One 140 character Tweet and hug at a time.

Because of You

It started as just another day for me 

Nothing special, significant, or grand 

One more visit to the doctors office 

For these lungs that can't meet their demand 

Greeted with a smile and a warm heart 

Tina's kindness was comforting and genuine 

As she performed the test on my lungs 

She reminded me it's time for a mammogram again 

I told her I really hate that painful squeezing 

And I didn't have the time anyway 

What if I made it easy for you 

And could get you in right away? 

I said I would give it some thought

Her persistence was gentle but persuading 

She walked me over to mammography 

Leaving absolutely no chance of me evading 

A suspicious area is what they said 

A biopsy would soon follow 

I found my way back to Tina 

Tears made it so hard to swallow 

Another visit to the oncologist 

We caught it just in time 

A lumpectomy and no need for chemo 

I was going to be just fine 

The excitement filled my heart with joy 

Someone special I needed to find 

She was the one who saved my life 

Who gave me this peace of mind 

No "What If's" for me to worry about 

All because of Tina's gentle shove 

Everyone was kind and caring 

I felt so well taken care of 

Thank you to all my partners in health 

I know these words will never do 

But my gratitude is deep and overflowing 

I will live because of you

No More Sleepless Nights

No More Sleepless Nights After dealing with chronic insomnia for nearly 5 years, I can honestly say for the first time in a very long time, I have "no more sleepless nights." Many of my co-workers suffer from the same insomniac issues I did, so when I mention that I am sleeping now, they tend to lean in close, eyes glistening with hope, and ask me "HOW???" They want to know the magic cure. Is it a pill? Is it a tea? Is it meditation? That's when I laugh and tell them to be patient and I'll share everything. Truth is, I can give them all the answers and remedies, but if they aren't ready to take a inventory of where they are and assess whether they are ready to make a change, it won't work. "You can't push anyone up the ladder unless he is ready to climb himself" - Andrew Carnegie The Five Year Fog Insomnia means different things to different people depending on what type of sleeper they are and what type of insomnia they experience. For me, insomnia was triggered by medical & medication issues, physical surrounding, racing thoughts, and really poor sleep hygiene. Every night was like ground hog day happening over and over again. I had no problem falling asleep around 10:30 or so, but I couldn't stay asleep. By 11:30 I was wide awake again and I would stay awake until just about the time I needed to get up for work. Four to five nights out of the week, I would sit up surfing the internet or answering work emails - awake - while everyone else in my house slept. Unfortunately, the lack of sleep sent my other medical conditions like fibromyalgia and migraines in to full gear. Eventually, I had to increase the dose of those medications because relief could not be found on previous doses. Working the day after a night without sleep was like dragging myself through quicksand. I just felt myself weighed down in a fog, my body moving slowly through the day to day movements. After having two near accidents falling asleep at the wheel while driving, I finally went to my doctor for help. After a long discussion about the pros and cons, she prescribed me Ambien. We started with a prescription for 10 tablets to see if it would help. I was very selective about taking the Ambien. I would look at my calendar and think, "what meetings do I need to function really well", and then I would take the Ambien the night before those meetings. Fridays and Saturdays were nights were my "awake" nights because my precious Ambien could not be sacrificed for personal sleep. All I knew is this stuff really worked. I was sleeping! I still felt tired during the day, but I didn't remember being awake at night, so that must have meant I was sleeping. Right? Not necessarily. Studies have found that patient's who took Ambien failed to fall in to the deep sleep cycle where your body works to repair and restore itself to maintain good health. I've played the medication adjustment game for some time. Adding new pills to the arsenal when needed. One night while filling my pill container, I counted 9 pills, not counting the other 3 I took during the day for a total of 12 prescription pills. Twelve pills - Seven prescriptions. (This number didn't include the Advil I popped like candy during the day.) Still, my migraines were seriously out of control, my fibromyalgia never seemed to get any better, my energy was zapped all the time, and I had lost all hope for ever having a normal pain free life. I had gone from taking Ambien 1 or 2 times a week to taking it 5 nights a week because it was the only way to get any sleep. I was starting to believe that this was all there was ever going to be for me. Ambien had side affects for me. One of which was sleepwalking. Strange things happened during these sleep walking episodes that I either don't recall or have mild flashbacks of what feels more like dejavu than my reality. To my family, most of those incidents were funny. Heck, hearing them tell me about the night I waved incense through the house to rid the bad spirits or told my daughter I saw someone's head get chopped off and blood squirt out while watching "storage wars" made me laugh too. My husband even had to put a lock on our door high enough for me not to reach and hide my car keys at night because he was worried I would try and leave the house. But the scariest moment came when I took some scissors out and cut my hair...while sleep walking. That moment and my increased migraines led me back to my physician again. June 6th, 2011 After explaining to my doctor that there was just no way I could go on living THIS life, we discussed my plan to get off as many medications as possible. I was ready to make a change in my life... a change FOR my life. After some discussion we agreed that I would stop taking the pain killers opting to fight through the bad fibromyalgia days and would begin tapering off my everything but my Qvar. Before I could stop taking the Ambien, she wanted me to see a Neurologist who dealt with sleep disorders. "The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep." - W. C. Fields June 23rd, 2011 I had my initial consult with Dr. Prasanth Manthena who is the director of the sleep disorder clinic at our Los Angeles Medical Center. After going through my medical history and discussing my sleep concerns including the sleepwalking episodes Dr. Manthena pushed away the computer and looked me directly in the eyes and said "I can help you, if you are willing to make a lot of changes, starting with stopping the Ambien." I was terrified at the thought of going back to not sleeping again, but I knew I needed to stop taking it. In fact, if I was only allowed one word to describe how I felt at that point in my life in regards to medical and sleep issues, I would have to say "despair". Dr. Manthena saw the fear in my eyes and reassured me that he would help me gain control over my sleep. Control... that is a feeling or word that hasn't come to mind when thinking of my sleep patterns in the last 5 years. With a VERY detailed set of instructions including cutting the dose of Ambien down to half a pill for the following two weeks before stopping completely, an appointment for a sleep study, and an assignment to read a book called "No More Sleepless Nights" by Peter Hauri, I left his office with a new feeling... hope. Two days after attempting to cut that tiny little Ambien pill in to half, I decided to just stop taking it completely. The first few of nights were tough, but I followed all of the instructions provided - except for wearing sunglasses at night while watching tv. Forty minutes of exercise a day, no caffine after 10am, no more tv in the bedroom, alarm clock under the bed, hot shower at 9:30, go to bed at 11:30 after completing my "scheduled worry" journal. Up at 6:30, even on weekends. I did it all. After one week of following these instructions, I started to see the benefits of my efforts. I was sleeping! Without medication. Not only was I sleeping well, I felt good. After just a couple weeks, I started feeling GREAT. I had energy to exercise, my migraines have reduced significantly, the fog in my head was gone, my spirits were up, my fibromyalgia was better, and I was able to reduce my medications from 12 pills a day to 5 (two medications). July 28th, 2011 When I went back to Dr. Manthena for a follow-up visit. He was pleasantly surprised at the change in my countenance. I truly am a different person than the one that sat in his exam room two months prior fighting back tears. Dr. Manthena expressed that many people don't follow the instructions and they don't always get to see positive outcomes like mine. We also discussed his ideas about getting patient's in to an insomnia health education program BEFORE they feel the need to turn to prescriptions or over the counter medications to get sleep. I am living proof that these programs could work. Together... Dr. Manthena and I have given me back my life. Together... we saved a life. I am forever grateful. June 23, 2012 ***UPDATE*** It has been a year since my first visit with Dr. Manthena and I am happy to report I am STILL sleeping well. I go to bed every night at 11:30 and get up every morning at 6:00 - I don't even need an alarm clock, my body just knows when to sleep and when to wake. I am off ALL prescription medication with the exception of my Qvar and Albuterol for my asthma.(I tried to stop those too against my doctors advice and found that it just plain sucked not being able to breath) My fibromyalgia flair ups are manageable and less frequent. I still get a monthly migraine around my menstrual cycle that usually sends me to the nurse clinic for a Toradol injection. I do have occassional nights when my mind races with thoughts, but I calm them by picking up a book (nothing exciting though) and reading in very soft light until I am ready to sleep. If I ever feel myself starting to slip, I evaluate what part of the routine I am missing and add it back in and my sleep returns. As great as it feels to know I have helped myself, there is an even greater satisfaction in knowing that sharing my story has helped others. At a recent site visit, the Assistant Department Administrator came up and hugged me and said, "Thanks to your blog I am now sleeping", that's when my one of my physician partners, Dr. Timothy Ho, laughed and said, "Did I tell you that I use that blog with my patient's too?" I knew that the doctors in Kaiser Riverside Family Medicine used it, but it meant even more to me that my friend and fellow blogger felt it was worth sharing. Big smile from me! Wishing you all a great nights sleep... tonight and every night. Insomnia Patient instructions (written for me) -Titrate off ambien 10mg (1/2 tab) for 2 weeks – then discontinue completely - Read Peter Hauri's Book: No More Sleepless Nights SLEEP HYGIENE INSTRUCTIONS Recommended Bedtime: 11:30pm Recommended Wake time: 6:30 Recommended Hot Shower time 9:30pm After shower: Keep room cool afterwards Wear sunglasses till you go to bed Scheduled worry (i.e. Keep a diary with the following: Write down all concerns/stressors/anxieties After writing them down - cross them out - (there is nothing more you can do tonight) Write down several good things about yourself Remove TV and any computers from bedroom Remove ALL clocks from your bedroom (if need alarm keep it underneath your bed) Wear earplugs each night If not sleeping: get out up of bed and read with as little as light as possible (don't work, watch TV, etc.). Go back to sleep when you can't remember the last line you read. Does not matter how long you've been reading: get up at 6:30 am and go to sleep at designated bedtime not earlier. Homeostatic Drive for Sleep • Avoid naps. If you need to nap keep it short: 10 to 15 minute nap only and not close to bedtime. • Restrict sleep period to the average number of hours you have actually slept per night in the preceding week. For example, if you feel that you are only sleeping 6 hours at night, make sure you are laying down in bed for just over 6 hours. Quality of sleep is important. Too much time in the bed can decrease quality on subsequent nights. • Get regular exercise each day, preferably 40 minutes each day of an activity that causes sweating. Stop all exercise after 6 pm. Circadian Factors • Keep a regular time out of bed 7 days a week. • Do not expose yourself to light if you have to get up at night and at least 1-2 hours before going to bed (i.e. no TV, computer). Wear orange-tinged sunglasses inhouse if necessary • Get at least one half hour of sunlight within 30 minutes of your out-of-bed time (do not wear sunglasses or hat at this time). Drug Effects • Avoid caffeine entirely for a four-week trial period. If you absolutely cannot go without caffeine: limit caffeine use to one to two cups no later than 10:00 AM. (I don’t personally drink or smoke so I’m not including those instructions here) Arousal in Sleep Setting • Do not eat or drink heavily for three hours before bedtime. • If you have trouble with regurgitation, be especially careful to avoid heavy meals and spices in the evening. Do not retire too hungry or too full. Head of bed may need to be raised. • Keep your room dark, quiet, well ventilated, and at a comfortable temperature throughout the night. Earplugs and eyeshades are OK. White noise is also OK (Fan is great). • Use a bedtime ritual. Reading before lights-out may be helpful if it is not occupationally related. . • List problems and one-sentence next steps for the following day. Set aside a worry time. Forgive yourself and others. • Do not try too hard to sleep; instead, concentrate on the pleasant feeling of relaxation. • Avoid unfamiliar sleep environments. • Be sure mattress is not-too soft or too firm, pillow is right height and firmness. • Use bedroom only for sleep; do not work or do other activities that lead to arousal • If possible, make arrangements for care-giving activities at night (children, others, pets) to be assumed by someone else.

Underneath My Wonder Woman Cape

My sister and I were talking the other day and she confided in me that as her body tiptoes into menopause she is experiencing a seesaw of emotions which makes her feel weak. "One minute I'm up, the next I'm down. You are such a rock" she tells me, "you always have been". We both know that is not true, but I rarely let the outside world know of my internal and private struggles. (Unless of course, you read my blog) Friends, family, and co-workers know the smiling "see the world with all of it's bright colors" Kristen. 

When my sister told me she feels like crying all of the time, how she just wants to sleep, and she has been gaining weight, I told her she should talk to her doctor because it sounded to me like she was experiencing signs of depression. Even as I said those words, feelings of being a hypocrite crept upon me. The voice in my head shouted "What about YOU?!?!" Who me? I can handle my issues on my own... I always have. "Except for the time you took a handful of sleeping pills and your friend had to put his fingers down your throat to make you puke them up" the voice reminds me. "That was a very long time ago" I think, as I bury that memory down deep. 

One of my former employees sent me an email after reading one of my blog posts that said "what makes you a great leader that people respect is that you aren't afraid to share raw emotions to help the meaning of what we do sink in." I guess in my own way, I believe if I put myself out there and share what I have gone through or what I am going through, it will give someone else the strength to share their own stories or get the help they need. The way I find my way through the world is by writing it all out and bearing my soul in the process. So... In the spirit of being a good leader, better sister, and just plain real, here is the side of Kristen that hides under the Wonder Woman cape.

Most days, I am absolutely fine and the person you see is really me and I am happy. But there are days, sometimes weeks, that old memories bubble up to the rim of my already full life. Days that I fight back tears and have absolutely no desire to interact with others, eat, talk, exercise, or just BE. Not that I feel like hurting myself or anyone else, but times when I just want to stop the world and get off for a while. Times when my mind feels so cloudy that I actually avoid trips to my doctor because she knows me well enough to see through my facade, and I don't want anyone, not even her, to think I am not the person they think they know. Sometimes those feelings are brought on by "trigger events" like birthdays of someone I loved who has passed on or the anniversary of their death. Other times it is related to my work. Not the stress of my work, because I manage that pretty well, but the subject of the work itself. For instance, when we started our alcohol screening initiative I was reminded on a daily basis of the day I lost my best friend to an alcohol related car accident. The loss I felt after his death and other circumstances in my life with my family pushed me in to a world of true depression so dark that I thought I would be better off leaving it. Thankfully, a friend intervened.

Recently we have been working on Domestic Violence screening so I felt inspired to share my personal story as a domestic violence survivor through my blog(s). Because of my DV blog someone reached out to me to help their friend and, while I'm extremely grateful that I could help, it conjured up emotions that I had disassociated myself from for some time and it sent me in to grey days. I was recently asked to join the Domestic Violence committee at work and at the first meeting my friend said wanted me to share my personal story with the group. I literally felt like I was about to have a panic attack because though I have had private conversations about my past, I have never been asked to vocalize my experience in front of a group.  I was so grateful that we ran out of time and that part was skipped, at least for that meeting. I know I want to use that chapter of my life to help educate others  so I will have to find a way to cope with the overwhelming emotions that come from bringing those skeletons out of my closet. Baby steps though.

Now the focus is on Depression Screening and there is a voice inside me screaming "Yes... we need to find THESE people who need our help" and a quieter voice saying,"but, whatever you do, don't screen me because I'm just fine." Right?

From a young age I used writing and music to deal with and share my emotions. If I was upset about something, I would write a poem or a story and slip it under my mom's bedroom door and we would talk about it on the way to school. One of my first poems was called "A Point of View of a Spider" as a plea to get my mom to stop killing spiders, but growing up in a pretty dysfunctional family - my teenage years introduced darker topics like "On the Edge of Suicide". My mom freaked when I slipped that one under her door. I remember the drive to school that morning and this expression on her face that was a mix of irritation, concern, and panic all mixed together. She looked at me and said "Do I need to worry about this?" "Nope... I'm good" was all I said, even though I wasn't. Music has also been a huge part of my life. I grew up around music because my dad's band would use our house to practice. There are times when I can't find the right words to express my thoughts, so I lose myself in music until the words come along. The one that helped carry me through my teenage years and the death of my friend Robbie was "Lord is it Mine?" by Supertramp. I would slip my cassette in to my yellow sony walkman and go down to the park where I would climb a tree and hide from the world.

These past couple years, while as amazing as it is to be in the role I am in at work, have come with many challenges.  There are times when work, family, home, being adult (with bills to pay), and dealing with fibromyalgia can get to be a bit overwhelming.  This song "Swim" by Jack's Mannequin has helped me pull through the difficult times by reminding me of the reasons I do what I do and who I do it for.  Occasionally, you're going to get caught up in turbulent seas and the only thing you can so is just "swim". 

When I put on my work clothes, it is like I'm putting on a different me. The person with all those fears, doubts, and worries gets pushed aside and the strong, confident Kristen takes her place. The one that always responds "great" when someone asks how I am or cracks a joke to make someone else smile. However, Wonder Woman Kristen knows that there is a different person quietly hiding under that flowing cape waiting to surface and lately I've been thinking that, "Yes... some people can handle most things on their own, but perhaps it takes an even stronger person to ask for help when it's just too much". Feeling sad or down occasionally is normal. Depression isn't and shouldn't have to be. We should all just take off our super capes and let the world see us for who we are and allow others to help us paddle through life together.

No More Sleepless Nights

After dealing with chronic insomnia for nearly 6 years, I finally went to see a neurologist who specializes in sleep disorders who gave me the following instructions.  After following his plan religiously for a week, I was completely off ambien and sleeping WELL!  I'm happy to say that 3 months in to this routine, I am still sleeping.  So... I thought I would share those steps that worked for me with anyone who stumbles across this blog.  Sleep well...

Insomnia Patient instructions
Titrate off ambien 10mg (1/2 tab) for 2 weeks – then discontinue completely 
Read Peter Hauri's Book: No More Sleepless Nights 


SLEEP HYGIENE INSTRUCTIONS 
Recommended Bedtime 11:30pm 
Recommended Wake Time 6:30am 
Recommended Hot Shower Time 9:30pm 
After Shower: Keep room cool afterwards 
Wear Sunglasses till go to bed 
Scheduled worry (i.e. Keep a diary with the following:): (11pm) 
Write down all your concerns/stressors/anxieties After writing them down, write down several good things about yourself
Remove TV and any computers from bedroom 
Remove ALL clocks from your bedroom (if need alarm keep it underneath your bed) 
Wear earplugs each night If not sleeping: get out up of bed and read with as little as light as possible (don't work, watch TV, etc.). 
Go back to sleep when you can't remember the last line you read. 
Does not matter how long you've been reading: get up at 6:30 am and go to sleep at designated bedtime not earlier. 


Homeostatic Drive for Sleep 
• Avoid naps. If you need to nap keep it short: 10 to 15 minute nap only and not close to bedtime. 
• Restrict sleep period to the average number of hours you have actually slept per night in the preceding week. For example, if you feel that you are only sleeping 6 hours at night, make sure you are laying down in bed for just over 6 hours. 
Quality of sleep is important. Too much time in the bed can decrease quality on subsequent nights. 
• Get regular exercise each day, preferably 40 minutes each day of an activity that causes sweating. Stop all exercise after 6 pm. Circadian Factors 
• Keep a regular time out of bed 7 days a week. 
• Do not expose yourself to light if you have to get up at night and at least 1-2 hours before going to bed (i.e. no TV, computer). Wear orange-tinged sunglasses inhouse if necessary 
• Get at least one half hour of sunlight within 30 minutes of your out-of-bed time (do not wear sunglasses or hat at this time). 


Drug Effects 
• Avoid caffeine entirely for a four-week trial period. If you absolutely cannot go without caffeine: limit caffeine use to one to two cups no later than 10:00 AM. Arousal in Sleep Setting 
• Do not eat or drink heavily for three hours before bedtime. 
• If you have trouble with regurgitation, be especially careful to avoid heavy meals and spices in the evening. Do not retire too hungry or too full. Head of bed may need to be raised. 
• Keep your room dark, quiet, well ventilated, and at a comfortable temperature throughout the night. Earplugs and eyeshades are OK. White noise is also OK (Fan is great). 
• Use a bedtime ritual. Reading before lights-out may be helpful if it is not occupationally related. 
• List problems and one-sentence next steps for the following day. Set aside a worry time. Forgive yourself and others.
• Do not try too hard to sleep; instead, concentrate on the pleasant feeling of relaxation. 
• Avoid unfamiliar sleep environments. 
• Be sure mattress is not-too soft or too firm, pillow is right height and firmness. 
• Use bedroom only for sleep; do not work or do other activities that lead to arousal 
• If possible, make arrangements for care-giving activities at night (children, others, pets) to be assumed by someone else.

Inspiration Point

There will always be times when you feel discouraged. I too have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it; I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate. The reason is this: In my uttermost bones I know something, as do you. It is that there can be no despair when you remember why you came to Earth, who you serve, and who sent you here. The good words we say and the good deeds we do are not ours: They are the words and deeds of the One who brought us here. In that spirit, I hope you will write this on your wall: When a great ship is in harbor and moored, it is safe, there can be no doubt. But that is not what great ships are built for. This comes with much love and a prayer that you remember who you came from, and why you came to this beautiful, needful Earth.
—Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D

http://positivityworks.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/words-to-think-on-dealing-with-despair/

On the 4th of July my husband asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday, which is the 7th of July. I told him I was thinking about going to Hawaii. He laughed and said, "I have to work", to which I replied with a sly smile, "You weren't invited". He glanced at me through another chuckle and said I should do it. That I work hard and deserve a trip. That night as we enjoyed dinner out with our friend Dean before a fireworks show, I pulled out my iPad and booked a flight leaving on my birthday. Rich called our friends Pete and Nilda to see if their spare bedroom was available - Hotel Aiea, as we call it, had a vacancy. That night Rich and I decided I should take Amanda with me just as I had done with our older girls when they were teenagers. The on,u problem was I wasn't able to Amanda on the same flight I was on, so we wound up taking separate planes over. Not too bad when you think about it... Going on vacation with your teenager but not having to listen to her teenager complaints on the flight over. We have managed to spend every hour from about 9am to 9 pm out and about discovering the island of Oahu. Amanda has been my copilot on our adventures, which means we've made about 45 u-turns getting from a-b, but each little journey took us to another place just as beautiful as the previous. I have even managed to get in a couple runs along this twisted, steep mountains.

All in all, I would say that this has been the best birthday week ever!

I just spent the last couple of days in San Antonio, Texas with my older sister, Kim, who made the 400 mile trek from Lubbock to come see me while I was in town for a convention. I was touch that she would make that drive for me. It's funny, I am closest to my sister Kellie, but my sister Kim and I are most alike. One thing my 3 sisters and I have in common is our love of laughter. It's a gift our parents gave us. Sometimes our laughter may seem inappropriate to others, like playing an April Fools joke on your sister calling in the middle of the night to tell her our grandmother was sleeping peacefully (we chickened out of saying she died) while our grandmother lay close to death. Humor is our coping mechanism. We learned to never take ourselves so seriously that we can't find the poetic humor in just about every situation. This humor came in handy as we found ourselves walking through San Antonio trying to follow the map (which you think a chief of police would know how to read) and finding ourselves lost in sticky humid weather. Actually, to tell you the truth, one time we we were looking for this restaurant called "Howl at the Moon" and after going blocks, stopping to read our map again every 50 feet or so, we stopped to reexamine our map and after 5 minutes of debate on a street corner, I looked at Kim and said, "Wouldn't it be funny if the restaurant was right in front of us?" Then we crossed the street and what do you know, it WAS right in front of us! We were literally 15 feet away.

Having one on one time with Kim allowed us to open up about all kinds of "life" stuff. I think anyone who knows our family intimately, wonders how we all turned out as good as we have. We are each grounded in strength and have found our way through life quite well. I'm really proud of who we have become. If you would have asked me 30 years ago what I thought our lives would look like today, I would have given you a completely different prediction. Never in my wildest imagination would I have conjoured up Kellie taking care of premature babies, Kim the Chief of Police, myself vested over 20 years in the same company leading large health care programs, and Kathy doing accouting for other people. We've each experienced detours along our way as we traveled our individual roads, but I think those detours and roadblocks are Gods way of helping us discover Him and who He wanted us to be. There is still a lot of road ahead of us and I'm sure there will be sharp curves and speed bumps that knock us off balance but I feel pretty confident that we will be able to stay on course, with echoes of laughter instead of conmplaints.

Blue October Even In November

I've been teasing my nephew Matt that he needs to give Blue October a second chance.  Just as I refuse to eat anything that is artificially flavored or colored to look, taste, or smell like an orange because my mom gave us orange Triamanic as kids when we were sick, Matt has associated Blue October with an unpleasant time in his life.   Blue October is one of my favorite bands.  I love their lead singer.  You can tell he has a bit of a dark twisted side which makes his lyrics more realistic.  He has suffered from bouts of mental illness, but has pulled through.  I've mentioned before on my blog that I don't get in to music that uses cuss words for every part of speech, but a well placed curse word is magical.  Blue October has mastered the art of well placed random f-bombs, utilizing it when truly, no other word would suffice.  Kind of like when you are walking through the bedroom in the middle of the night and stub your toe on the bed. It just fits.

A few years back, when I still felt the need to have the real cd in my hands, I would go browse Target or Best Buy for new cd's.  I would usually go for a particular cd, but would also pick an additional random one based on the title or the album cover (not knowing one bit about what they actually sounded like).  That was my way of  keeping my ears open to new music.  I started with their "Foiled" album because I loved the name of the group and was immediately addicted to "Into the Ocean", "You Make Me Smile", "Hate Me", and "18th Floor Balcony".  After playing it a few times front to back, I jumped on itunes and downloaded "History For Sale" which featured "A Quiet Mind", "Chameleon Boy", and "Calling You".  I have a really hard time narrowing down which ones are my favorite, especially since there are a couple more albums I haven't even mentioned, so I've decided to feature the ones with the most play counts on my itunes library.

Left behind, but not forgotten. Well... at least not for too long anyway.

When I was about 9 or 10 years old my family moved from our big house at 1540 Lenox Drive (can't believe I still remember the address!) to a pink house over by Doctor's Hospital (both in Modesto, CA.) To make the move easier, my parents decided to send my older sisters and I to YMCA camp for a week. Because our camp weeks were back to back, my older sister Kim got to take the brand new sleeping bag that I got for my birthday to camp with her. I still haven't figured out how that really worked out, but I was younger than her, so it didn't matter at the time. Anyway... the week we were scheduled to move just happened to be my week away at camp, which meant, I was going to be coming home to our new house. Before I left for camp, my parents drove us to our new neighborhood and pointed out the pink house located right across the street from a big hospital.  


My week at camp went well, but when I came back from camp, my parents were so busy with the big move, they completely forgot to pick me up!  I remember the director of the YMCA coming out and asking if I wanted him to call my dad, who was a friend of his.  I said a desperate "Yes!" and in one quick instant was disheartened when he said, "do you have your new number yet?".   Now why on earth would anyone make sure I had a working phone number to call just in case?  One more spark of hope came when he asked if I knew where I lived.  I was so excited because I did know where I lived.  It was in a pink house next to a big hospital!  His reply to me was, "let me go get a couple chairs, this may be a while".  About 4-5 hours later, my mom pulled up in our station wagon with my sister's Kim and Kathy in tow.  My mom was a balling fool, crying, "I'm so sorry" in between her deep sobs.  I was so darn happy to be remembered at that point, that I don't really think I saw it as having been forgotten.


I'll never forget the grin on my sister Kim's face as she relished the scene playing out before her.  To add her own bit of drama, she turned to me and said, "you know your new sleeping bag?  Guess what??? It rolled of the top of the bus and down the side of a mountain"  I'm pretty sure just sat there dumbfounded for a bit.  My younger sister, Kathy, was sitting in the back seat with me looked at me with a smile that was bursting from ear to ear and said, "We got a dog why you were gone too!"  Seriously??? a dog too?  When we got to our new house, the dog ran up and introduced himself to my leg.  I wasn't very happy at that point, but my mom, ever the optimist, came in with a gift sure to bring a smile to my face.  It was my very own Fonzie (from Happy Days) latch hook rug.  Oh boy!!! How could I not perk up knowing I would have the luxury of pulling thousands of threads through a a vinyl net fabric until it forms a picture of my Happy Days hero.


Come on... admit it.  It's pretty funny now looking back.   Friends tell me all the time that I should write a book about growing up in my family, that it would be a number one seller on the comedy/drama list.   As crazy as it all sounds, and trust me there were plenty of crazy times, it helped me become the person I am today.  My parents may have been a little flaky because of the fumes which seemed to permeate from our bathroom wallpaper whenever their friends came over, but they instilled in each of us kids an admirable trait.  Laughter.  


This post is dedicated to my mom, because even though we hardly speak, I know she has not forgotten me, and to my dad, the music man.  There are so many songs that make me think of you. (I'll always be your S.A.K.) 


 I thank you both for enriching my life with music and words.  "House at Pooh Corner" or "Turn Around", I always think of you.

Don't Stop Believing

Nothing makes you feel more like a big shot than hanging out with your older sister's friends. Even cooler is when they take you to one of their upper class parties. I can't remember if it was KJ or Tammy, but one my sister Kellie's friends had a jeep, a CJ7 to be exact. One Friday night, she decided that I was somehow cool enough and old enough to go with her to a party. It was a crisp spring night and we had the top off the jeep. I was freezing, but too excited to say anything about it. Journey came on the radio singing about a small town girl living in a lonely world. That was the first time I think I listened to those words (at least at that volumn anyway :) Everytime I hear this song, I think about that night and the cool air on my face, eyes burning from the chill wind.


Don't Stop Believing is great song made even better with Spongebob singing it. Journey and Spongebob. CLASSIC.




Now... I'm going to be completely honest and say that I don't know anyone, including myself, who didn't make out to Journey's "Open Arms" and "Faithfully".  Man I love the 80's.

Money

When I was 14 or so, my best friend Lara and I spent pretty much our entire summer hanging out with her boyfriend Mark and his brothers, Mike and Scott. Every morning, we would get up early and ride our ten speeds 7 miles out to Mark's house where we would spend most of the day watching MTV or, believe it or not, helping Mark and his brother's chop wood (because they sold firewood of course). Every Saturday, if we had all of the wood chopped and the other chores around the house done, Mark's dad would take us all out to the delta to go watersking. Needless to say, I actually had a smoking hot little bod back then :-) That summer, Mark's brother Mike introduced me to Eddie Money's "No Control" album which became the music I used to test out and connect with any new car I would buy. In fact, it still is. Sound crazy? Well... maybe a little bit, but everyone has some secret good luck thing they do right? After I purchase and whenever I trade in a car, I spend the first and last 10 minutes with my car with Eddie singing as we fade to black.

I used to tell my husband that I didn't want to ever die before I seeing an Eddie Money concert, then he took me to see Eddie in an amazing concert(for an older guy) and I realized I needed to have something else I couldn't "die before doing" - something a little harder to obtain.

The 80's were an amazing time. Sametimes "I wish I could go back, but I can't go back I know."