The Gifts That HE Gave Me

 1996
When I was in heaven, the Lord said to me,"Have you any idea how much I love thee?"Without hesitation, without my reply,The Lord kissed my forehead and bid me good-bye.He gave me a gift before He set me apart.He gave me a body, a spirit, and heart.Armed with the gifts the Lord gave to me,He sent me to live with my new family.He gave me parents and sisters to shareAll the earthly experiences I'd make living there.When my parents divorced as I entered my teens.He gave me security and silent comforting.When fun became getting high and drinking beer.The Lord gave me a future, by showing me fear.Then, I married, young and so foolishly, A boy who promised to watch over me. But my husband abused me again and again.Leaving his scars on my soul and my skin.I cried to the Lord in my most desperate pleas."Lord, why hast Thou forsaken me?"My cries seemed to fall on deafened ears.Each morning I woke and thought, "Oh no, I'm still here."Then one evening, my spirit having been broken once more,I caught my baby daughter watching in horror.That night I called out to the Lord again.Only this time I asked not to return until Him.I asked for strength and courage, which He gladly gave.That night, through my daughter, my life  He did save.He sent me two angels, dressed in blue. They gave me 3 days and said, "the rests up to you."I took those three days, and me and my baby,We started a new life with the gift that He gave me.When I started to give up, the Lord gave me hope. Along with the strength a single mom needs to cope.He offered His blessings for a second chance.Then taught me to cherish life's beautiful dance.He gave me a husband who was loving and kind.Who loved my heart and soul and mind.He gave me faith, love and talent too.With all of His gifts my love for Him grew.He answered my prayers, though I knew only His name.Until that special day that the missionaries came.They brought with them a message from the Lord up above.It was He, Heavenly Father, who had created me with love. They said to me the greatest gift I could give, Was to teach my children how He would want them to live.Together we learned of His plan, as husband and wife.Then sealed our family together for eternal life.When our youngest daughter passed away at sixteen,He wrapped his arms around me again in sweet comforting. He knew my grief and helped Carry my pain.He assured me our family would be together again. One day, we shall all return to His kingdomAnd be judged for the things on earth which we've done.So I pray to the Lord each night and dayRehearsing the words that I might say.When given the chance  to express honestly,My thanks to the Lord for the gifts that He gave me.

Please stay… 12 years

Please Stay... 12 years

It's been 12 years now since Amanda left us physically. Twelve years since I have heard her voice, seen her smile, watched her sleep, cuddled her on the couch, heard her say "I love you too", been wrapped tightly in one of her daily hugs, stared admiringly at her as she walked away confidently, received some random weird text video about wanting food, or enjoyed the sound of her laughter.

Even though it's been twelve years since her death, she never leaves my mind and my heart still aches for her. Still... I consider us so blessed to have had her in our lives and trusted to be the ones to raise and love her for 16 and a half years. I like to look over at the passenger seat of my car where she would have been rushing to put on her make up before school. I imagine her so vividly that I can feel her warmth next to me and see her look over at me and smile. It took me almost three years before i didn't have a day when driving to work and my mind didn't drift back to memories of the day we lost her and the days that followed. I would replay every moment in slow motion, as tears gently burned their trace across my skin. Where I was when I got the call, who was in the room with me, the guilt over not answering my phone the first time Lauren called me because my meeting at work seemed more important, having to make those heart wrenching calls to the rest of our family to tell them to "Come home. Please come home". Having my boss walk me to her car to drive me home and pleading gently with God the whole way there. The overwhelming love and support from friends, family, and even strangers. When I got to work, I would dry my eyes, take a deep breath, and move forward. I still have rare occasions when the memories come flooding back, but they don't drown my soul like they used to. I don't want to remember that day or the time that followed, but it's a part of my memory just as strong as the day I gave birth to her. I wonder what life would be like if she were still here. What job she would have, who her boyfriend/husband would be, what fashion style she would be rocking, would she have babies of her own like her sisters and friends do now, and whether I would have been wise enough to know I should cherish everything about her or would I just take for granted each moment I had been blessed to share with her. I know to cherish every moment now. Oh I would be so happy to have just one more argument or one night of lecturing her for coming home late. At least, in the end, I would have her here with me. She might be mad or disappointed that she was in trouble, but she would be here. I don't like speaking in past tense, but that is what I am left with without her here. I don't want to tell how her story ended because the life she lived is so much more than that one moment in time. I've learned to say the word suicide without blinking, flinching, or crying in front of people. 

It's sad and tragic that we must assign a specific month, week, or even one day devoted to suicide awareness and prevention. Yet, suicide still seems to be something that is whispered instead of talked about. I am not ashamed that my daughter left the world the way she did. I do not begrudge her for not speaking out and asking for help through a difficult time, even though with every ounce of my being I wish she had. That's the thing... people who are suicidal don't think logically. They are experiencing an internal pain which takes over their thought process and presents only one possible solution. I wish I could have stopped her from feeling sad or alone in that moment of despair. I wish my love would have been strong enough to keep her here. I've had people say it's hard to understand how Amanda could have made such a "selfish" decision, taking away her pain and transferring it to her family and friends. In a moment of despair, you don't always stop to imagine how the world would be darkened without your light or have the ability to picture your life getting better. Whether you are 16 and experiencing a break up with the love of your life or 70 and tired of feeling numb and hollow, the depth of emotional desperation is immeasurable. You truly believe that no one will understand your pain or that no one can make you feel whole again. 

This is where I need to you to listen though. Those voices in your head are WRONG. You WILL make it through. You are NOT going to feel this way forever. This world WOULD be dark and sad without you in it. YES... even perfect strangers will ache at the loss of you. There are so many people who would do anything to help you. To listen to your story and sing a song of hope to your soul. You matter. If you are thinking that suicide is your only way out. It isn't. You say you don't want to burden anyone with your pain, but the pain you would leave them to deal with would me 100 x's worse. Trust me. Stop thinking about the rope, the gun, the pills, the knife, and any other exit strategy you've been planning. Reach out to someone. Anyone. None of us were meant to journey through this world alone. Please keep living. Please... Please stay. You are loved beyond measure. Live wisely and always choose the right.
I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, forever and ever my baby you’ll be. Love you Mandy. Mom