Last week my husband and I were asked to give a talk in church on spiritual self reliance, so I thought I'd share my talk with you too.
The topic sounded like a contradiction in itself. I've always felt I like spiritual self reliance isn't about becoming independent of god, but becoming completely dependent on him. Our Heavenly Father is there and a relationship with him is essential to building spiritual strength. Yes, he wants us to be independent in our temporal needs, but he has shown us over and over again, through scripture and revelation that he has not sent us here to walk this world alone.
In the end we can't be spiritually self-reliant because we're completely dependent on God. Stop trying to be self-reliant in that area; say "Uncle". Think of the hymns: "I Need Thee Every Hour" and the line from "Guide Us O Thou Great Jehovah" that says "we are weak but thou art able..." He gives us tools, but we need to create a quiet place/ time in our lives so that we can tune in. Nobody else can get you to Heaven...you have to have your own testimony.
The blessings of temporal self-reliance become obvious in times of crises, but spiritual self-reliance is equally crucial in difficult times. Those with firm spiritual foundations are blessed with peace, reassurance, and greater faith when calling on Heavenly Father for help.
When our sweet Amanda passed away the weight of our loss was so heavy that I did the only thing I knew would help me through. I prayed.
I asked The Lord to carry my heartache until I was strong enough to carry it on my own. To lend me His strength so I could be there for our family and all of Amanda's friends.
Before her physical body left our home, her father gave her a priesthood blessing. The police officers who responded to our home stood amongst us, heads reverently bowed, tears in their eyes, leaning on the strength of OUR faith.
When our home was filled that evening with about fifty of Amanda's family and friends, I knew the one blessing that we could share with them was the assurance that Heavenly Father would not leave them alone in their sorrow, so we gathered everyone together and offered up a prayer of comfort for them.
When I spoke to the representatives at One Legacy about organ donation, I knew without question that it was what she and Heavenly Father would want us to do. But when I was asked about donating her arm and leg bones I had to run outside and ask my husband "you're sure about us being restored to our most perfect form right? Cause if not Amanda's going to be really mad!" A year later I went through the temple to help amanda receive her endowments. During the washing and anointing part when the blessing says "you will walk and not be weary, run and not be faint" I heard amanda say, "See mom, I'm fine!" And I cried like a baby in relief. I already knew the answer to that question, but The Lord sent his reassurance anyway.
During Amanda's viewing and memorial service I felt like I, as well as my family, had arms wrapped around us. I never once thought to myself, "I can handle this on my own." Instead I gave myself up completely to The Lord and allowed him to help guide me through.
When brother Mike Miller spoke at her service about the plan of salvation, I felt like The Lord was speaking directly to me, through him. Reminding me that Jesus was standing by Amanda's side pleading her case to our father in heaven. When one of her sisters questioned how god could take her Sister away, I held her tight and said "He is just as sad as we are. But he wants you to know that even though this was not his doing, he sent angels into our home to carry her spirit to him" The adversary wants us to believe this was gods doing so we will turn away from our one true savior. He knows the only way for us to see the blessings we received in the temple when our family was sealed together come to fruition is if we don't let our faith be shaken. Satan preyed on Amanda's moment of desperation, but he doesn't realize he lost because we have all just grown closer to god.
When a lady at the nail salon asked me in all sincerity if Mormons believed that suicide was a sin and that our daughter would go to hell. I looked her straight in the eyes and told her that the beauty of Heavenly Father is that he loves and forgives us all. That I can move forward each day because I know with every bit of my heart, mind, and soul that she is with Him.
When we were inspired to start the Amanda Panda CTR foundation to share the message to choose the right, I got on my knees to ask The Lord what he wanted me to do and how I, personally, should share this valuable message. I listened for his promptings and then followed them without question. When I have someone reach out to me on our Facebook pledge page in a moment of despair, I always stop and ask Heavenly Father how I should respond, and if it's a teenager in need, I ask amanda to help me phrase what The Lord wants me to say in a way that will connect with someone her age. I talk to them or text them until I am comfortable that they are okay. At the end of those moments, when I can finally let out a sigh of relief, I give thanks and say "WE did it. We saved another life today." I don't say "I" or "You" but we, because it is my reliance on Heavenly Father that I may hear and receive his message and my willingness to set aside my own thoughts to relay what he knows his special child needs to hear. This to me is spiritual self reliance.
I've shared this dream with some, but I'd like to share it with you again. This dream happened about a month after Amanda passed away. This dream was significant because I had stopped having dreams with amanda in them, just as had everyone else in our family. So when this dream occurred it was a reassurance of things I felt I knew, but spoken to me in a way I could understand them. I remember there was a faint odor coming from the side of our house. When I went to the side of the house, I found a doorway that led to a very long hallway that was connected to our house. Down that hallway were little pee puddles and near the end of that long hall was Spike, Amanda's chihuahua, lifting his leg on the wall, leaving a trail that led me straight to a room. Spike was looking at me like "can I make this anymore obvious... Follow me" When I opened the door to the room, Spike ran happily inside. Inside the room was a bed like Amanda's and a big white fluffy down comforter just like she had. I was looking around the room and then looked at the bed when I saw the comforter move. Amanda was under the covers. She looked out at me and smiled and said "Hi mama". I looked down at her and said "Hi sweetie. I've missed you. What are you doing in this room?" She climbed out from under the fluffy comforter and said, "I'm helping some other kids cross to the other side. See... here comes one now." Then a little child appeared and she went to the wall, which appeared very thin, and she led the child through the wall saying "It's okay... go to Him." Then she climbed back under the comforter and pulled it up to her chin and said, "I love you mama." I said "I love you too baby", then I walked out of the room to find a Swiffer to clean up the pee puddles leaving Amanda to do her job.
Figures... I would finally have a dream with Amanda in it and all I can think about is cleaning up the pee puddles! I thought about that dream a lot though and find great peace in it. It assured me that she is okay. She still loves and knows us and that she is doing Heavenly Father's work. It tells me that the veil is thin and she is still very close to us... as close as crossing over a hallway to another room. It also reminded me that following Spike was like following the spirit. if you are willing to listen and follow the spirit's promptings, good things will await you and you will be guided to the path that brings you to Him and those you love.
On another night, more recently, Amanda was on my mind a lot and I couldn't sleep, so I laid in bed reading. I heard her dog, Spike, start to whimper in his sleep and I wondered if he was having a bad dream. Then my mind raced to a thought that maybe he missed Amanda. Then I thought "what if he doesn't remember her?" And my tears started to fall like a faucet that had been left on. "Does she miss US? Does she miss me?" It was a moment of sad desperation. A mother needing to know that her daughter loved her and missed her. It's weird because I usually feel so secure in this knowledge, but this night, I needed a sign. I needed to know with all my heart that my Amanda loved me and missed me as much as i did her. I selfishly wanted to know that she was sad too. Not so sad that she couldn't be happy or that her heart ached from longing, but enough to miss us. So I prayed. I prayed that God would let her know how much I loved and missed her and that He would give a sign that she loved and missed me too. I prayed and I cried.
Eventually, I must have fallen asleep. I was deep in a world of comfort and much needed rest when I I was awoken by a kiss. A soft kiss planted gently on the upper left side of my lip. I moved my hand to that spot in bewilderment and confusion. When I touched that spot I felt a tiny seed of moisture right above where the sensation on my lip still lingered. A teardrop. I rubbed the moisture between my thumb and trigger finger in disbelief. Then I quickly felt my eyes to see if I was crying in my sleep. I wasn't. I sat up and studied my husbands sleeping position to see if maybe he gleeked me, but he was facing the opposite direction. As I searched desperately for a legitimate answer, I heard a tender chuckle say "mama... You asked for God and I to send you a sign. Why is it so hard to believe He would answer your prayer?" "I love you and I miss you more than you'll ever know, but I am ALWAYS with you."
So you may be thinking I'm crazy and that's okay because it's hard for me to believe too, but I am just going to try and accept it for what it was and needs to be for me. God heard my plea and answered my prayer. He allowed Amanda to give me a tender kiss and when she did, a tear drop fell from her eyes. She loves us. She misses us. And she is always with me. God hears our every prayer. The answers will come if we are patient and faithful. He will not leave us alone. He wants us to turn to him not just our moments of sorrow, but to lift up our voices in gratitude for all the subtle blessings in our life.
Having such strong spiritual connections to our Heavenly Father does not free us from the burdens and challenges of life. You may notice that I usually leave after sacrament. This new life of ours has brought with it challenges of dealing with depression and a need to experience more calmness and quiet moments with The Lord. I find myself sitting in our backyard having conversations with God as I soak in the sounds of a hummingbird stealing nectar from our flowers or feeling a gentle breeze swish through our trees. Each moment becomes a personal connection between the savior, The Lord, Amanda, and myself. I don't just wait for significant moments of beauty to remind me of this beautiful gift of life we have been given, I constantly seek out those moments. His love is all around us, it's in the laughter that fills our home from having Amanda's best friends over all the time. Itstares back at me from the eyes of Amanda's best friends little baby, Nathan. It's in the hugs and smiles my daughters share. I have a strong spiritual connection with The Lord because I WANT to have one, so I make an effort to keep him near.
Heavenly Father wants us to wrap HIS arms around ourselves, to carry his spirit with us always so our testimony can be a beacon of light to others. He wants us to be spiritually self reliant by being dependent upon him, not independent from him. I don't wish for anyone to experience the loss we have, but I do wish you could each have something that opens your heart and soul to the revelation that the relationship you have with your Heavenly Father is the most important one you will ever experience. I pray that you will find peace and strength in the knowledge that he is there to guide you through this journey back to Him.
